BOWWIE Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 hi there, i am a 47 year old woman with a junior high problem (no offense) it's just that is how old i feel about this problem and i am very tired of feeling this way. i feel that i have no back bone to stand up to people. when people get angry i slink away including my own grown kids. today my son was (30) was in the car with me when someone beeped for me to go at a green light. he flipped this person off! i told him people get shot for doing things like that, and he just blew me off. i felt like a little kid and did not know what to say, i sat there dumb founded and angry with myself for not being able to say something to him about his immature behavior wthout feeling that i had any rights too. why do i feel so intimidated to speak up? i do'nt know what to say let alone how to say something to someone especially when in a confrontational situation, i try but i feel so dumb and i can't speak right and i just end up shutting up and inside my head i am screaming to be heard but nothing can come out because i don'tknow what to say. does anyone know what i am talking about? i feel that i am doing it again here right now! Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 *pulls over the car* Your gesture was rude, and offensive to me. When you are driving, if you feel like behaving like a prick, you have a right to do so. However, this is my car, and I am driving. This is 2004. People die in Road Rage accidents every day. You don't know if that kid had a gun in his glovebox, he'd happily shoot you thrice in a testosterone-laden fit of rage. He'd likely shoot me as well. When I am charitable enough to allow you transit in my vehicle, you will refrain from endangering my life. Furthermore, I am still your mother, and always will be. You are an adult now, and don't have to live by my rules when you're out on your own, but you WILL respect me, and when I talk to me you will not blow me off. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 How has this come about? Were you allowed to speak up for yourself at home? Could you do it in school? Link to post Share on other sites
bowwie Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 can i patent that for other parents of poor misguided youth, including old youth? seriously, that is worth memorizing and i thinki am going to do just that! thanks so much for that wondering lecture to give them, how ever still does not solve my initial problem but that is a start. perhaps with each incident i can call upon you for this same wonderful advice, lol? Link to post Share on other sites
bowwie Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 hi and thank you for coming to reply to my post. honestly i do not know how this has come about, only that i have been this way as long as i can remember but for some reason lately i heard myself hemming and hawing around people when i try to speak up and i am becoming so aware of it and i feel like such an idiot that i am trying so hard to change this behavior to act like a grown up woman instead of some little girl afraid to look her parents in the eyes for fear of seeing something in them eyes that makes me back down too. oh how i wish i knew and i wish that i just had that courage to speak up for myself without feeling so intimidated and mousey. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 There are courses and workshops to learn assertiveness. There are also books which could help. Here's a link to a chapter from a terrific online self-help manual. http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap13/chap13e.htm Hope this helps! Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 Originally posted by bowwie hi and thank you for coming to reply to my post. honestly i do not know how this has come about, only that i have been this way as long as i can remember but for some reason lately i heard myself hemming and hawing around people when i try to speak up and i am becoming so aware of it and i feel like such an idiot that i am trying so hard to change this behavior to act like a grown up woman instead of some little girl afraid to look her parents in the eyes for fear of seeing something in them eyes that makes me back down too. oh how i wish i knew and i wish that i just had that courage to speak up for myself without feeling so intimidated and mousey. The fact that you are aware of it is the beginning of how you can change. It sounds to me like you've been very suppressed and dominated most of your life. You might not have a high self esteem. I would have told my son if he flipped someone off that that would be the last time he did that, because the next time he'd only have four digits on one hand LOL. Seriously, I wouldn't have tolerated that, but you know it was wrong, and you recognized how he bulldozed you. Maybe seek some counselling. There are counsellors that specialize and deal with women and their self esteem. GOOD for you for noticing it and not liking it. Like I said, you can just take it from there. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 I've never read assertiveness literature, so I'm not qualified to teach it. Some things to remember: + If you're pissed, take a moment to settle down + Realize your place in the position. If you're being served cold, delayed, and sloppy food at a restaurant, you have to be more careful with how you go about asserting yourself, to ensure that your food doesn't end up contaminated with marinara de glandas de salivaria, whereas if you're in your OWN vehicle being endangered and disrespected ( ) by your son, you have more leverage, and more latitude to speak your mind. + Speaking of speak your mind, do it. + Organize your thoughts, and prioritize your grievances. For the car example, your primary grievance was that your SAFETY was threatened. Address that first. Secondly, his nonchalant reaction to your objection was rude and disrespectful, because you are his mother. Address that second, after the first has been addressed. And finally, almost as a sidenote, the middle finger is rude in general, and inappropriate to do in company of the woman who birthed you, and it's worth mentioning after the primary grievances have been outlined. + It's a common misconception that angry people are incapable of articulating themselves. If they take a deep breath, they should still be able to do so. Just think about what you need to say, and don't concern yourself with making anyone else happy at that moment. Trust me, it's liberating. Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 Sometimes I think it comes down to caring too much what people think of you. I used to believe if you were nice and fair....people were nice and fair back. I believed if I tried to make everyone happy, then surely they would believe the best in me and see what a wonderful person I really was. I one day realized this was not true. People do NOT always believe the best, they will NOT always like you and they will RARELY always be nice and fair. This realization will free you up to just be who the hell you are because you can't win over the whole world anyway. If you can't make everyone happy, then at least make yourself happy. Sometimes the greatest joy of life is telling someone face to face what an A$$ they are. Once you've jumped that hurdle....it gets easier and easier. I'm STILL a very nice person....but I'm no longer a ninny! I like myself better because of it and have found I have more good and honest friends NOW than I ever did in my previous life when I worked so hard at it. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 Sometimes I think it comes down to caring too much what people think of you. I used to believe if you were nice and fair....people were nice and fair back. I believed if I tried to make everyone happy, then surely they would believe the best in me and see what a wonderful person I really was. There's still some warped corner of my brain that wants to believe that. This realization will free you up to just be who the hell you are because you can't win over the whole world anyway. Now that I know! Link to post Share on other sites
Arabess Posted March 24, 2004 Share Posted March 24, 2004 I'd like to still believe it too Moimeme.....but it just AIN'T SO! I don't think people are just inherently MEAN. I think we all do our fair share of things which are perceived as being mean. The nicest person in the world can be in a rush at the grocery story and we may not let her go first. What she needed to say is "I'm in a hurry. I've got 4 items and you are obviously feeding Belgium....would you mind????". And then most of us would let her go first. It wasn't about responding to her 'being nice'. It was responding to her being 'assertive'. Being assertive doesn't indicate a person is mean. It indicates they are willing to verbalize their needs. Link to post Share on other sites
bowwie Posted March 26, 2004 Share Posted March 26, 2004 the word i have been searching for to try to explain what i fee like is passive! that is exactly the word i have been searching for that explains me to a T! i was thinking of a friend of mine today when i heard her voice in my head talking to me and then i heard hersaying to me that i am too passive! then it came to me that that is how i am and i hate so much being so passive, but how can i stop ? Link to post Share on other sites
FemmeDorré Posted March 27, 2004 Share Posted March 27, 2004 Originally posted by Arabess I don't think people are just inherently MEAN. I think we all do our fair share of things which are perceived as being mean. Ohh, I'd disagree, Arabess. Living (and driving) in a big city and its 'burbs, I'd say the creature known as 'inherentus a**holeus', who can be identified by things like Spitting on the supermarket floor; 'Weaving' in and out on the highway, forcing his way(usually it Is a he) into your lane, leaving the supermarket's carts to smash into another's car, and tailgating does indeed exist. (Sorry, been a long day - but it Does happen) Being assertive doesn't indicate a person is mean. It indicates they are willing to verbalize their needs. I wonder if there's such a thing as an assertive a**hole driver - sure seem to 'verbalize' their need to, oh, say, Push into my lane when they're like 2 inches away LOL Link to post Share on other sites
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