I think I know. I just need reassurance.

[angelj]

I'm going to try to keep this in a nutshell. Please note that I have been aware of red flags. However I am now accepting that I pushed them aside.

 

I started dating Dave in December. We had gone to middle and HS together but had lost touch for ten years. We had silly crushes on each other. He terrorized me, I let him cheat off my tests. He smoked and surfed, I was the prom queen. You get the picture.

 

In December he found me thanks to Facebook. We met up for the first time in over ten years and boy did we hit it off. We spent the week hanging out, I met all of his friends, got to reunite with his parents. It seemed fairytale-like.

 

I started noticing he drank a lot. I got over my party phase of life. I'm approaching thirty, it's not my top priority any longer. He had been laid off, living at home again. Selling his art work and painting surfboards. Renting out a condo he owns upstate. Figuring things out. At first, this seemed ok.

 

I live an hour away. Our relationship has been unable to develop as easily as one that isn't long distance. However, within the first three weeks I started getting empty promises - promises to visit, big plans, etc. Turns out it was all said while drunk.

 

Around NYE, he went MIA and didnt call me for a week. When he finally did he explained that he didn't think he Was going to survive 2010. He found his best friend dead of an OD - coke pills booze. His party pal. He carries guilt. He still continues to drink daily. Said he's dabbled with heroin. Smokes weed. Eats codeine. Wants to change. Figured we should just be friends until he changes.

 

A week later we get together. It gets more coupely. We talk about our feelings how his last relationship was built on drugs she left him and got married he never had a stable relationship. This goes on through today. He started fla

drinking again. He's been blowing me off and flaking out. Last week he called me all week excited for me to drive into town (where I'm from and he still lives) however I get to town and he doesn't answer his phone. He finally calls me drunk. Skating with the guys. Tuesday was the last time we spoke. He was so excited for me to move back. Had gone to see rentals with me last month and offered to check out places for me while I was out of town. Told me to email him addresses. He couldn't wait to help.

 

Needless to say I sent the addresses. I signed a lease. I called the next day to share the news and no answer. Still no answer.

 

It's been very up and down. I have no clue why I feel so strongly. From my friends who've gone through the program have observed... He's told me many of his demons. He never feels worthy. He's constantly reminding me of how good and perfect I am. His whole world knows about me. He talks of the future but can't seem to have the emotional capacity to really be with me.

 

In the end, it really hurts. His creative talent and kind spirit Intrigues me. I suppose I fell for the sober side. I feel like he's Jekyll and Hyde. It has also hurt that his friends and family are constantly telling me how much he talks of me. How much he respects and adores me.

 

I'm left sad. Hurt. Confused. I found my dream home on the beach that he was so excited for and he won't even talk to me about it?

 

I know it's the addiction. I just need to hear it again from an unbiased point of view. I made the commitment to be his best friend. And now he's completely shutting me out.

 

Thanks for listening.

[spiderowl]

I learned recently, after many years of being deceived by this, that because someone says nice things about me it doesn't mean they are nice or won't hurt me. As they say, "nice words butter no parsnips". You know he drinks too much, dabbles in drugs and is incapable of being the kind of guy you want. I'm sorry he's let you down like this but HE has let you down, not the other way round.

 

He will be hurt that you prefer to remain friends rather than risk more with him like this. What's the alternative? Get even more involved with him and get dragged down with him? That's where he's going unless HE decided to pull himself out of this.

 

His friends love him and want the best for him. They are probably desperate for him to recover and maybe in denial that the problem is serious. They may even think that if he met the right women, he'd improve. He might, but not unless he chooses to give up. Don't even bother asking him to, it's a waste of time and why should you have the indignity of trying to change him? Don't you deserve someone who is responsible from the start?

 

I'm really sorry you got this far before finding out the truth about him. He may well be a lovely guy and very precious to his friends, but HE needs to rescue himself. Until he makes that choice, he will be a nightmare to all around him and especially any girlfriend who falls in love with him.

 

You did the right thing. Keep your nerve.

[missmac]

But I also have come to recognize when I reach the point when I cannot help someone any further.

 

I know you care about him, and want to help, and are confused with all these fleeting moments of sincerity followed by incoherent rambling.

 

With any addiction, you cant help someone unless they want to be helped. Asking them to get sober for you is not a good motivator - they have to want to do it for themselves. If he truely cared about you - he would make the effort to clean up his life, to start this seemingly awesome new life with you. Whats holding him back? Sadly it seems he is still self-loathing and hasnt moved on from his past failures. However it is not your job to carry him - tell him where you will be, and once or if he finally finds the strength to stand up and take charge, he can come to you............