For OW/OM who made it to a legitimate relationship with MM...

[LifesontheUp]

Personally I think it's easier to believe that the MP doesn't leave the M and never gets together with their AP...believe what you want. I live in a basically conservative area, especially for the amount of people and the extremely large city in which I am very close to.

 

Both of my parents M their AP's and were M for over 30 yrs with them. Alot of my friends got together with their AP's and left their S for them, and some got M, some lived together, some stayed together, some didn't...fact is it does happen.

 

You can play games, stay in denial, make fun of me, it doesn't make much difference. You can say my numbers don't add up, I could care less, it's what I saw. Period.

 

The ones that don't work or are abusive, they should split up with them...never tolerate abuse.

 

I work for HR where there are over six thousand staff. There are numerous affairs since Ive been there 20+ years. You can count on one hand the number that left for their AP.

[pureinheart]

lol, that is a good question. Of coarse all R go through up and downs... But i guess Im just getting tired...like i said before, I now see why his marriage had problems... I know he is stubborn, and has become in the last few years a bad comunicator. I bring up something, he shuts down, and doesnt want to talk about it. Only comuicates well when I am at the point of kicking his azz out. That is not what he was like during the A. I am sure today, that is what happened in his marriage, and the w got tired too, and finally gave up. What I want out of a relationship is my best friend back, someone who is fun, laughs. Well see what happened. I got a 6 month time limit in my head! lol

 

There could be a lot of reasons for this behavior, exSO did that. I believe he needs to find his heart. First I want say that this isn't your fault, you didn't twist his arm to do anything.

 

What is happening is this is keeping you off balance as you will be provoked to reach a point and then he shows a little hope, although the same old, same old returns eventually. You should not live this way.

 

I wish you the best Mino, although you are the only one who can change you. ((((((((((((hugs Mino)))))))))))))))

[pureinheart]

I work for HR where there are over six thousand staff. There are numerous affairs since Ive been there 20+ years. You can count on one hand the number that left for their AP.

 

Unless your on the floor, you really can't get an accurate count. HR was kept separate from the actual work force.

[LifesontheUp]

C

Unless your on the floor, you really can't get an accurate count. HR was kept separate from the actual work force.

I update peoples records which include changes to names due to marriage/divorce and address amongst other record keeping for pay purposes etc. Therefore I don't need to be on the same floor.

Like I said less than handful in over 20 years. And I know of at least 6

affairs that are going on currently on my floor alone.

[donnamaybe]

lol, that is a good question. Of coarse all R go through up and downs... But i guess Im just getting tired...like i said before, I now see why his marriage had problems... I know he is stubborn, and has become in the last few years a bad comunicator. I bring up something, he shuts down, and doesnt want to talk about it. Only comuicates well when I am at the point of kicking his azz out. That is not what he was like during the A. I am sure today, that is what happened in his marriage, and the w got tired too, and finally gave up. What I want out of a relationship is my best friend back, someone who is fun, laughs. Well see what happened. I got a 6 month time limit in my head! lol

Gee. So it isn't always the BS's fault that the marriage failed, eh? What a revelation!

 

Well, hopefully you can get through to him whereas his wife couldn't so you can make a life together. Is he willing to go to counseling with you to help with the communication? Forgive me if you've already addressed this...

[BeachBetty]

What I want out of a relationship is my best friend back, someone who is fun, laughs. Well see what happened.

 

Have you said this to him, and been serious about it so he understands where you are and how you feel?

 

Have you guys been to counseling, together?

[Mino]

Gee. So it isn't always the BS's fault that the marriage failed, eh? What a revelation!

 

Well, hopefully you can get through to him whereas his wife couldn't so you can make a life together. Is he willing to go to counseling with you to help with the communication? Forgive me if you've already addressed this...

lol, ur funny! Noooo , it was both their fault! LOl He didnt talk, and Im sure she did for a while, when she did, I think he shut her down with his tone of voice, so he wouldnt have to talk about issues. She, I assume, just shut down somewhere along the years. I sometimes think he is trying the same with me, no Im sure thats what he tries. The difference is " I dont need him" for my living... I make my own. The other difference is " I CANT keep my mouth shut... When something bothers me, I can hold it in about 10 seconds... That will never change... Counseling... he went for awhile on his own before we got together. After he moved in he stopped. I did mention it a few months back, he had a tantrum, saying " no No No, I dont have the energy for it now. Amazing, didnt know grown men can do the tantrum thing... I dont think I have the patience his wife had...

[Mino]

C

I update peoples records which include changes to names due to marriage/divorce and address amongst other record keeping for pay purposes etc. Therefore I don't need to be on the same floor.

Like I said less than handful in over 20 years. And I know of at least 6

affairs that are going on currently on my floor alone.

ahh, in MY company we have currently about 6 people in Affairs. We have about 150 employees.

[Mino]

There could be a lot of reasons for this behavior, exSO did that. I believe he needs to find his heart. First I want say that this isn't your fault, you didn't twist his arm to do anything.

 

What is happening is this is keeping you off balance as you will be provoked to reach a point and then he shows a little hope, although the same old, same old returns eventually. You should not live this way.

 

I wish you the best Mino, although you are the only one who can change you. ((((((((((((hugs Mino)))))))))))))))

Thank you pureheart! I do have a deadline.... where I will make some changes.

[OWoman]

C

I update peoples records which include changes to names due to marriage/divorce and address amongst other record keeping for pay purposes etc. Therefore I don't need to be on the same floor.

Like I said less than handful in over 20 years. And I know of at least 6

affairs that are going on currently on my floor alone.

 

That's likely to affect women more than men, and only if the woman is one of those who changes her name and her registered address. Few that I know do, and no men AFAIK. I know of one woman who has been M and D three times during the time we worked together and her staff file didn't reflect any changes during that time. She didn't even bother to notify her changed next of kin...

 

My H didn't have any changes to his staff file either. I was already his next of kin, long before the M.

[donnamaybe]

lol, ur funny! Noooo , it was both their fault! LOl He didnt talk, and Im sure she did for a while, when she did, I think he shut her down with his tone of voice, so he wouldnt have to talk about issues. She, I assume, just shut down somewhere along the years. I sometimes think he is trying the same with me, no Im sure thats what he tries. The difference is " I dont need him" for my living... I make my own. The other difference is " I CANT keep my mouth shut... When something bothers me, I can hold it in about 10 seconds... That will never change... Counseling... he went for awhile on his own before we got together. After he moved in he stopped. I did mention it a few months back, he had a tantrum, saying " no No No, I dont have the energy for it now. Amazing, didnt know grown men can do the tantrum thing... I dont think I have the patience his wife had...

See, I always advise women I know, my daughter, etc. to never end up in a situation where you would be in a financial bind if you had to kick your guy to the curb. Sounds cold, I know, but it's reality. You MUST have choices. That's sad for his ex. Can you imagine feeling stuck and having a guy who refuses to talk and then shuts you down when you try to open some dialogue? That's good that you're financially independent. Not that you shouldn't try and work things out with him, but you also don't want to waste any more time than you have to on a man who isn't open to actually making your relationship good.

 

I'm so happy that you're a strong gal in that regard. Good for you Mino!

[findingnemo]

I have read every post on this thread. Wow!! I have fought a battle against my heart for years and I am exhausted! I know that MM will not leave his W. He told me so. My story is too long and tedious to get into here. But I have been his OW and although I ended the affair years ago, I really still am an OW in my heart.

 

In my experience, most MMs actually marry or get into long-term public relationships with thier OWs. But this is because I am African and here some men will have 2, 3, 4 wives. So my answer to your question is yes. MMs do marry their OWs. The amount of time the A has lasted doesn't seem to matter here. Thereafter, it is down to the couple to relate and get along just like any other couple. The issues you highlight are normal and could have come up even if you had met your MM when he was already divorced. So look at your relationship like a "normal" one because that's what it is (he is divorced now). The fact that you were an OW may no longer be an issue.

 

Now how do we get a forum for OWs who desperately need help? My first question would be: how do I stop my heart from loving this man or should I stop searching for love and just "be" with him?

[OWoman]

Now how do we get a forum for OWs who desperately need help? My first question would be: how do I stop my heart from loving this man or should I stop searching for love and just "be" with him?

 

Nemo, that is a valid point but I suggest you start your own thread to discuss your situation, so that people can respond to you without taking this thread even further off topic.

 

Thanks for your perspective, though - it's good to have some other views represented here outside of middle America

[donnamaybe]

Is the OP from Africa? Where is she from? It's a valid question, if she wants answers to her questions that are going to be applicable to her situation.

[LifesontheUp]

That's likely to affect women more than men, and only if the woman is one of those who changes her name and her registered address. Few that I know do, and no men AFAIK. I know of one woman who has been M and D three times during the time we worked together and her staff file didn't reflect any changes during that time. She didn't even bother to notify her changed next of kin...

 

My H didn't have any changes to his staff file either. I was already his next of kin, long before the M.

 

It is company policy to notify changes to name/address etc.

 

We also run a yearly system where ALL staff have to reply giving up to date contact details and other relevant papers are signed. If they do not complete and sign, it can mean their employment is terminated.

 

Your H must have made changes to his file, or how would you have been added as next of kin long before you were married?

[OWoman]

It is company policy to notify changes to name/address etc.

 

We also run a yearly system where ALL staff have to reply giving up to date contact details and other relevant papers are signed. If they do not complete and sign, it can mean their employment is terminated.

 

Your H must have made changes to his file, or how would you have been added as next of kin long before you were married?

 

The changes he made to his staff file were made previously, as I implied - thus, nothing changed once we were M, thus, from the organisation's perspective, they would not know of his change in status following the M. Which was the point of the post I responded to. Apologies if that was unclear...

[JamieA]

Is the OP from Africa? Where is she from? It's a valid question, if she wants answers to her questions that are going to be applicable to her situation.

 

Are you effing kidding me? Now posters have to post their location to determine who is geographically acceptable to give/receive proper advice or answers? And yet you whine about people telling others who should and shouldn't post.

 

Thanks for the laugh. That's hilarious.

[BenThereDunThat]

Sorry. The day I die for ANY man will be the end of me.

 

Die for my niece - faster than you can blink. If I was a mother - same thing, no question.

 

Die for a man? No chance on this planet. Ever.

[OWoman]

Are you effing kidding me? Now posters have to post their location to determine who is geographically acceptable to give/receive proper advice or answers? And yet you whine about people telling others who should and shouldn't post.

 

Thanks for the laugh. That's hilarious.

 

Yep. This is nothing new. I've been told many times before that my experience / opinion counts nothing, because I don't live in America

[bentnotbroken]

Apparently from reading the majority of posts here if you're not in NC or don't want to be you better not post. Otherwise you're off to the gallows...

 

I'd die for my man so maybe everyone else doesn't know what the definition of love means...

 

 

Why that is special. Die for someone who if they dies while still married means you get jack. Die for someone who manages to be deceitful while professing love....hmm.

[LifesontheUp]

The changes he made to his staff file were made previously, as I implied - thus, nothing changed once we were M, thus, from the organisation's perspective, they would not know of his change in status following the M. Which was the point of the post I responded to. Apologies if that was unclear...

 

Sorry but I don't follow that.

 

He must have made changes to his staff file if you were next of kin. So did he replace his then wifes details with yours. Or are you saying your affair started before he got married to his now XW and hence you were already his next of kin?

[LifesontheUp]

Yep. This is nothing new. I've been told many times before that my experience / opinion counts nothing, because I don't live in America

 

And others have been told their opinion doesn't count because they are a BS, OW, whatever.

 

Sorry but I really don't understand this.

[OWoman]

Sorry but I don't follow that.

 

He must have made changes to his staff file if you were next of kin. So did he replace his then wifes details with yours.

 

Yes, during the A. Which was my point. I was already listed as his next of kin when we married, since he had made that change previously.

 

So, when we married, there were no changes to his staff file. So our M was completely invisible to the organisation. So, it's not inevitable for HR to know when an A morphs into a M. In some cases, details may change (like surname, address or next of kin). In other cases, nothing at all changes.

[ooPiaoo]

WW, I believe that that too is linked to his "mental problems" - and his history of leaving and living with Mino and then returning to his M. IIRC, he did that three times before the D. This, again, is not a "normal" situation.

 

There are other fOWs whose fMMs left and moved in with their fOW immediately, with successful results. My H and his kids were alone for about six months before I joined them, due to other circumstances, and in our case I think it was helpful because of the abusive M he was leaving. But I don't believe that that is the only way to do it, and I don't believe it is "right" for all couples. The OW and the MM already have a R, and in most cases it's at the point where - were they both S - they would be considering moving in together. Putting false brakes on the R by enforcing a time apart can simply add to the strains.

 

My H and I lived together during his D, and I was glad to be able to provide the support to him that I would provide to any friend, but especially to the man I loved. If I left him to face that alone, while I continued my life somewhere else, I don't think I'd be demonstrating any kind of commitment to the R - especially not the kind of commitment one would want from someone one intended to make a life with.

 

Each situation is different - and Mino's is certainly not a blueprint for all.

 

I think this is incredibly insightful as I have always wondered which course of action is most appropriate for the OW to take during MM's separation. Live with him or not? I am glad to hear your example because, were I the OW in such a situation, my gut instinct would be to be there to help him through it. Thanks for your perspective

[LifesontheUp]

Yes, during the A. Which was my point. I was already listed as his next of kin when we married, since he had made that change previously.

 

So, when we married, there were no changes to his staff file. So our M was completely invisible to the organisation. So, it's not inevitable for HR to know when an A morphs into a M. In some cases, details may change (like surname, address or next of kin). In other cases, nothing at all changes.

 

As I already said, working in such a large place with too many affairs to count, HR staff know if anyone gets married or moves in with an AP.

 

Your situation is different as you worked elsewhere to your husband. So it has nothing to do with my point about where I work. So I'm assuming that he always wore a wedding or never bothered with his XW or now.