For OW/OM who made it to a legitimate relationship with MM...

[alexandria35]

Mino I'm kind of curious to know what you pictured your life to be with this man. You sound a little resentful of the time he gives his child but it doesn't sound excessive to me. Thirty minutes to two hours a day isn't all that much and caring for his child when his ex is at work is not called "babysitting", it's called parenting and it's his responsibility. It kind of sounds like you were picturing something far different. Like maybe he devote the bulk of his time to you and would only see his child once a week or something.

 

The money he claims he gives his ex does sound excessive and suspicious too. By the sounds of it he's paying about 80-90% of his income to his ex. That doesn't sound right to me but I don't know. Where I live that would just never happen. A man making 7 to 8 thousand a month probably wouldn't have to pay more than 2 grand a month to his former wife. Sounds fishy to me.

[Confused4Now]

Another thing, and I might be grilled for this and, perhaps, rightfully so, but it's a fact of life: If you met a newly divorced man who was paying $6,000 a month in support to the ex and kids and had very little time for dating, would you even bother?

 

However, if you've already invested your emotions because you met and had time WHILE he was married because he was lying to the wife, and he had plenty of money because it wasn't all going to child support and/or alimony so that wasn't a sore spot at the time, you're already hooked by the time these developments occur.

 

Another good reason to NOT get involved in an A. At least, once the divorce is final, you know what you're getting yourself into both financially and time wise.

I totally get what your saying...However in my case I paid pretty close to $4000 per month for almost 11 months till I was clear how much spousal and child support was going to cost. I ended up getting custody of my then 13 year old daughter and my costs dropped down to $1000 per month for both.

 

So my point was I was still paying for a mortgage till I was advise to stop. At that time even though my MW was in no position to date anyway. I just worked on myself. I knew I had nothing to offer anyone at the time. Now 2 years later I've positioned myself to at least date if I want to.

[Rose1977]

I know I need to start a thread on this, but really dont have time at the moment, heading out of town. But I will say this... Its not been easy. The first month it was the hoonymoon phase. Then... when we did argue, I had to listen to the fact that He claims I cheated, since I was seeing a sm during NC. Thats stupid in my op, since he was married, and I did break it off with MM. But the idea for him that I was with someone else drove him nuts.. Our life of coarse changed when he moved in. Now we had a different schedule. After work, he has no time for "us" he want to see his child. Sometimes its 30 min, sometimes 2 hours. On his day off, he babysits... His ex works part time, so some days he brings the child to school, other days he picks up. These are now daily issues. The evenings belong to us. By then, he is exhausted. I just took a 3 week vacation, by myself. He couldnt be away that long... So " time " is a problem. I feel there is not much for us. Money... sore subject. He pays around 6000 a month to his w. I didnt ask for anything at the beginning, he has been doing work around the house. But I opened the subject up a month ago...I guess its pretty tight, after his alimony & support, he pays me now 700. He is cranky, moody... I understand... a D is not easy... but he has a short fuse, and I feel he is angry he has to pay so much. During the A, we didnt have these issues. I knew they would come, but knowing and going through it are two different things. Im getting resentful, I feel still second, or maybe third. I am now cooking on his schedule, laundry, cleaning up after him, Joy? lol, not much time for it... Of coarse we have our moments, there are nice times too. Overall, I think had I understood what all comes with it, I would have not gone these route. Do I still love him, yes, Does he love me, yes... but that does not change the fact of all these issues that comes with a divorced man. Sorry for threadjacking Kismet, i just had to claify, will start a thread soon.

 

 

Mino, I am sorry you two are having so many issues. Esp. with him saying you cheated, that must feel like a stab in the heart after what I'm sure you went thru while he was M and living with someone else. I do hope things get better for the two of you.

 

I have to say though, the bolded part really strikes a nerve with me. There are a lot of mothers out there who wish the fathers of their children would spend 2 hours a day with their child. As a D mother, I have an EXCELLENT relationship with my exH. We are all so close that EXH, BF, me and my son all stayed at the same beach house last summer and we all go out together often. We even all go to my son's parent teacher conferences toghether. I'm bringing this up to drive my point home. I want my ex-husband to get remarried. I have been friends with women he dated and even given them advice on things he likes/doesn't like, etc.... BUT, if any of those women ever compained about the amount of time he spends "babysitting" our son, I can tell you in no uncertain terms, he would leave her and I would advocate them splitting. A woman who views my son as taking time away from her needs to be with a man without children IMO.

 

I am hoping you really didn't mean it like this and that your frustration with the situation is just shining through. Probably just a wrong choice of words, I just wanted to let you know that letting him know you view the child as taking away from your time will prob drive him away more. But I am sorry you are hurting and that things aren't going great. I truly do hope things get better for you.

 

I'm really not TJing here. To OP: I know 2 couples who left their M's for OP and are still married. If you take time to dig thru my other posts you can figure out who one of them are, they are kind of "family". Both left very quickly after starting the A. Both have been M now for a long time - one for about 13 years, the other for 25.

 

Couple 1: The ones that are kind of family... H had an A with wife's friend. Left W for OW. W went through depression and ended up hospitalized. OW lost most friends and some family who couldn't forgive her as did H. Family functions are uncomfortable to say the least so they avoid most. OW is bitter about the amount of people that hate her and how this has affected her life. Not many people like her, both because of what she did to her best friend and because she's just mean. And the H? Forget about it. Disowned by almost everyone he knows, people don't respect him. IDK if all of this is b/c of A or b/c they really aren't nice people. They *seem* happy together, though it is well known he does cheat on her and has at least one OW and has cheated for years and years. IDC enough to ask questions. Everyone seems to just accept it.

 

Couple 2: I worked with W as a teenager and MM was our boss! I babysat wife's kids (who are now teenagers which freaks me out LOL). W was abused by husband 1, MM was in a miserable M. Don't know details about his M. Everyone knew quickly what was going on... I was young. Maybe ppl did talk about it, but I just stayed out of it. Within three months they had boith left their spouses and got an apartment near our place of work. There are ALOT of kids involved and they are all now very close and consider each other blood siblings. They are happy as could be and seem to be honestly meant for each other. It happened VERY quick. I remember going out with everyone from work and they never tried to hide anything. They made both spouses aware, both filed for D and focused their time and attention on helping the kids get through everything. I do think this is an example of two people who were miserable handling things the best way possible and doing right by their spouses. From what my friend (W) has told me now - not when it was going on - both spouses were told seaparation was happening before any sex occurred. I think she's telling the truth, no reason to lie now.

[Mino]

Hi again, YOU are all right! I do want to clarify the "Babysitting" That is a term he uses, not me. I have a grown child, out of the home, so I have total understanding about raising children, and I do feel, the children should be raised by both parents. The problem is when we get off work, its already 5, then he goes straight from work to see his child, most days no problem. But on the otherhand, we can never do things, because of this schedule. On days off, he gets up by 8, and picks his child up, both days..We usually have different days off. When we do have them, never is there time to just sleep in together... He seems to be always on the run... trying to keep everybody happy.. Money... His w just started work , part time. They have a huge house, cars, private school, ect.. He has to pay all the bills the next 4 years. Then they sell the home... He agreed to this... Since he was the one that filed, he presented all this on a silver platter. I make 6 figures myself, I can pay my own way... but resentment IS kicking in big time. Is it right? Is it wrong? I can only say HOW I FEEL.... Would I have dated a man who had these obligations? Not sure,,,, I never went over financials in the beginning of a relationship.

[Mino]

ladygrey, I feel you hit it on the head too. He did give so much, so freely because of his guilt. He didnt want the lifestyle to change for the child. He felt it was already a huge change that he moved out for his child, so moving the family to a smaller home would not have been a option in his eyes, because uprooted the child would have been in his eyes too much. Guilt money... yeah I guess you can call it that... I dont know, never been married, or divorced...

[Mino]

Yes Rose, people do make friends with their ex new partner, but that wont be the case here, I was the OW.... dont think will have any picnics any time in the near future..

[Mino]

Yes Alexandria, MOST of his money is going to her, thats not suspicious, thats a fact! Welcome to America !! When you divorce a sp who was a stay at home mom....

[Mino]

Hi Confused! I am writing the "BOOK" as we speak!

[Mino]

am I threadjacking?????? sorry sorry sorry:love:

[Mino]

Mino..........it's probably not a fair question and of course you don't have to answer but I"m curious. Knowing what you know now, would you do it again?

Thats a GREAT question.... The answer is NO!!! knowing what I know today, the 6 years wasted in an Affair, all the hurt, all the pain.. all the fusterations, I would have run if I looked into that cyrstal ball... The soulmate crap is way overrated....You know I spent 8 hours a day with my then mm. We spent more time together during the A. But I have to say, my imagination, his imagination is what kept us close. We ere determined to be together. But during my NC, I also found that I could have the connection with a sm, not only my mm. I also felt loved aprriciated, admired, ect. So I did learn soulmate means 'having a connection on a deeper level.... but we can have that with more then one person...So looking back.... I wasted alot of time out of my life which included alot of tears... and guess what... my mm is not a prince charming... he is a regular human being with all the flaws.... maybe more then most have...

[Mino]

I think the OP left the thread anyway.

AHHHH I hope she is at least listening.... since this is the subject she was inquiring on. Its the truth, the ugly truth, and nothing but the truth:o

[Mino]

You are a couple now. You are living together. Why don't you both spend time with his son? Do things the three of you can do. I worry for you that he really did not detach from her even though you are a couple now.

Oh we have, he brings his child to our home. But moms not to keen on it yet, she wants her ex to married first, which is understandable. No its not attachment to her. I wouldnt say that at all.... no sign of that, at least of what I can see.

[whichwayisup]

Seems he didn't have time alone, his own place and all. He ended his marriage and moved in with you.. A new life so quickly. And instead of dating outside of the affair realm, he's moved in and settled, skipped the re getting to know you stage, instead you've seen all the warts so fast, where as in other situations that takes time to come out and deal with, get used to.

 

Enjoy your trip Mino!

[Confused4Now]

Thats a GREAT question.... The answer is NO!!! knowing what I know today, the 6 years wasted in an Affair, all the hurt, all the pain.. all the fusterations, I would have run if I looked into that cyrstal ball... The soulmate crap is way overrated....You know I spent 8 hours a day with my then mm. We spent more time together during the A. But I have to say, my imagination, his imagination is what kept us close. We ere determined to be together. But during my NC, I also found that I could have the connection with a sm, not only my mm. I also felt loved aprriciated, admired, ect. So I did learn soulmate means 'having a connection on a deeper level.... but we can have that with more then one person...So looking back.... I wasted alot of time out of my life which included alot of tears... and guess what... my mm is not a prince charming... he is a regular human being with all the flaws.... maybe more then most have...

Funny how that is....I have to say I spent double the time with my AP the first 2 years than the last 3 years easily....I'm so totally in agreement with this post....I could have wrote it myself.

[Mino]

I also have to say,,, he does not seem unhappy.... Well as long as I keep my feeling inside and my mouth shut:eek: Life is good for him... except for the money part.... Im the one thats complaining.... everyone eles is happy, happy, happy. Funny... I just realized something... its always been me thats not happy with the situation... She was ok and content while he was in the Affair, so was he:sick: I was unhappy:sick: Now after divorce, She is even happier:) He looks happy too most of the time, and I am the one who is still unhappy... Ok,,, I need to think about this one... I may be onto something here....

[Rose1977]

Yes Rose, people do make friends with their ex new partner, but that wont be the case here, I was the OW.... dont think will have any picnics any time in the near future..

 

 

Oh no, I hope you didn't think I was insinuating that I think my situation is the norm. I had a very amicable divorce, we are still great friends. I only put our siituation in there to make my point, I was not trying to insinuate at all that I think most couple could end up like us. FWIW, we get constantly insulted by other people b/c of the relationship we all have. People have actually told us we care confusing my son. So no matter if everyone hates each other or if everyone is friendly, people always put there .02 cents in. My bf's friends have even tried to tell him that if me and my exh are so close we must be sleeping together. I hope I didn't come across the wrong way to you, I didn't in any way mean that people should live the way we do or that it should be expected.

[Spices]

Basically, you have to refuse to be the other woman. Don't accept the OW title. Don't be imposing or forceful with him & let him make his own decisions. Let him know that you'll have nothing to do with him unless he is single & that you downright refuse to be something on the side. Tell him adultery is against your morals. If he is married you have to tell him that you can only be his friend & nothing more. If he is actually really in love with you and he sees you as worth it, then he'll make the changes necessary in order to be with you. He'll end his relationship and get a divorce.

Edited February 7, 2011 by Spices

[Rose1977]

Thats a GREAT question.... The answer is NO!!! knowing what I know today, the 6 years wasted in an Affair, all the hurt, all the pain.. all the fusterations, I would have run if I looked into that cyrstal ball... The soulmate crap is way overrated....You know I spent 8 hours a day with my then mm. We spent more time together during the A. But I have to say, my imagination, his imagination is what kept us close. We ere determined to be together. But during my NC, I also found that I could have the connection with a sm, not only my mm. I also felt loved aprriciated, admired, ect. So I did learn soulmate means 'having a connection on a deeper level.... but we can have that with more then one person...So looking back.... I wasted alot of time out of my life which included alot of tears... and guess what... my mm is not a prince charming... he is a regular human being with all the flaws.... maybe more then most have...

 

I think that this is the part that so many OW/OM who are in pain get mad at when others point out to them. I do think you have a lot of insight to offer some of the OW/OM who come hear suffering and asking if it is worth it. It is so easy for everyone else to see that they are in the "fog" and not seeing that MM leaving the wife does not always lead to happily ever after. But when this point is raised to them they frequently respond by calling people bitter, negative, etc....

Yet there are a few women (and maybe one man I can think of?) who ended up happily ever after with their MM, so who knows.. It just seems like stories like yours happen more often than not and it makes me sad when people are hurting.

I think that it just drives home the point that most times in an A you only see the best of someone - bills, picking up the kids, making dinner, doing homework with the kids, real life in other words, isn't an issue during an A so when it does come into play full force I think it is shocking for a lot of women. Similar to moving in with a man and finding out his annoying habits like gargling loudly with mouthwash for 3 minutes in the morning (who DOES that?) except on a more extreme level.

[whichwayisup]

You are a couple now. You are living together. Why don't you both spend time with his son? Do things the three of you can do. I worry for you that he really did not detach from her even though you are a couple now.

 

My guess would be, it's too soon for introductions and spending time with his son. It needs to happen when the kid is ready and also his ex has to be comfortable with it too.

[Mino]

i agree, which we have done visits in doses...the child does go back and tells mommy we all went to dinner, so s l o w l y....

[MrWondering]

Men who have affairs seem to have strong characteristics of selfishness and conflict avoidance and if a woman meets those standards, (in other words, puts her needs last) then everything IS good for them. Just some more of those not good characteristics that don't go away.

 

I'm not telling you what to do, but search your soul Mino and if it's/he's not right for you then don't waste anymore precious time.

 

 

I don't like the notion of telling someone "if he's not right for you then don't waste anymore precious time" because it doesn't matter one lick if he is "right for you" or not.

 

There might be plenty of suitable women out there for me. Women that are more "right for me" than my wife (I doubt it but it's conceivable). That does NOT give me the right to leave my wife and pursue such person.

 

Somethings are just black and white. Adultery is one of those things. Regardless if he's the PERFECT MAN for you...the right thing to do is to walk away. He's already taken. He already chose (his wife) and he isn't entitle to choose again. By entertaining such entitlement (and feeding it to it's fruition) you merely set yourself up to being a future victim of that same entitlement. [when you marry your MM he will undoubtedly hang a help wanted sign in the "Other Woman" window especially considering you are, by definition, less special than his rightful 1st wife]

 

Nobody ever regrets doing the right thing. It's NOT a difficult proposition. No contact only hurts briefly in the context of "precious time".

 

Mr. W

[jj33]

I don't like the notion of telling someone "if he's not right for you then don't waste anymore precious time" because it doesn't matter one lick if he is "right for you" or not.

 

There might be plenty of suitable women out there for me. Women that are more "right for me" than my wife (I doubt it but it's conceivable). That does NOT give me the right to leave my wife and pursue such person.

 

Somethings are just black and white. Adultery is one of those things. Regardless if he's the PERFECT MAN for you...the right thing to do is to walk away. He's already taken. He already chose (his wife) and he isn't entitle to choose again. By entertaining such entitlement (and feeding it to it's fruition) you merely set yourself up to being a future victim of that same entitlement. [when you marry your MM he will undoubtedly hang a help wanted sign in the "Other Woman" window especially considering you are, by definition, less special than his rightful 1st wife]

 

Nobody ever regrets doing the right thing. It's NOT a difficult proposition. No contact only hurts briefly in the context of "precious time".

 

Mr. W

 

His rightful first wife? Would you still say that if he had divorced and then met Mino? Do you not believe in divorce? If he marries Mino she is then his legal wife. Im not sure what "rightful" wife means.

 

Divorce is legal and in her sweetheart's belief system it is an acceptable action, therefore IMHO her relationshp is legitimate and there if she married him she would be his "rightful" (whatever that means) wife.

 

Whether that is the best course of action for her is another story and she will have to think about.

[Spark1111]

I also have to say,,, he does not seem unhappy.... Well as long as I keep my feeling inside and my mouth shut:eek: Life is good for him... except for the money part.... Im the one thats complaining.... everyone eles is happy, happy, happy. Funny... I just realized something... its always been me thats not happy with the situation... She was ok and content while he was in the Affair, so was he:sick: I was unhappy:sick: Now after divorce, She is even happier:) He looks happy too most of the time, and I am the one who is still unhappy... Ok,,, I need to think about this one... I may be onto something here....

 

Thank you so much for your honesty Mino!

 

I saw an angry, somewhat depressed, moody crabby man. He saved the best of himself for her and needed to see her often to have the very best of himself reflected back at him through her adoring eyes.

 

When I told him repeatedly to go be with his soulmate at DDAY, he spent some weeks at her house and then she FINALLY saw the angry, moody, crabby man I had been living with for years!.

 

My heart broke for her as he told her how desperate he was to get back home, back to his kids, blah, blah, blah.....and she supported his decision!

 

I still wanted NOTHING to do with the crabby, moody, demanding man despite what he told her or me!

 

It was over time, a long time, when I insisted on IC and MC to determine if I would even reconcile with him; when I felt sooo deeply he had hurt two women and needed to understand the "why" of that action, that I would even entertain a future with him.

 

I knew in my heart he had a lot of issues he had to deal with to be a decent partner to anyone!

 

Your story rings true to me, and I for one am validated you have the honesty to admit it!

 

I think for many, this is the norm of the situation; you have a man that needs to figure himself out first! before he can be a good partner, whether it be with his OW or his spouse!

 

You have a lot of courage to tell it, and I for one, applaud you.

[TinaniT]

Yes Rose, people do make friends with their ex new partner, but that wont be the case here, I was the OW.... dont think will have any picnics any time in the near future..

 

 

My fiance's ex and I are getting along pretty well now. Not friends but we talk and being in the same place is fine. We have talked about doing combined vacations in the future to make it smoothest on the kids.

 

 

I still think it's been incredibly stressful; but that's divorce and combining the lives of two divorced people. It's not easy. I thank every day that I am where I am and with who I am though. He still gives everything to make me happy. I LOVE his kids. They are great new people in my life. I am only sad he doesn't get more time with them; though we try to make the weekends quality time.

 

It won't normally be easy; I don't think; but I don't think Mino's situation is the norm either. Seems like there had to be red flags.

[TinaniT]

 

These aren't my "judgments", they are facts. I don't make the rules. Sorry if you are offended.

 

Mr. W

 

Yuh-huh.

 

Maybe stating it will make it true.