Were my parents being abusive?

[jean-luc sisko]

I find that I have a lot of contradictory thoughts. And that my parents used to tell me things and force me to believe them, which patently were not true. I think they did this because they were jealous of me being more intelligent than they were. Whenever they would introduce me to people, it was "oh, meet our intelligent son." It was as if they were trying to punish me for being smart.

 

Did this constitute abuse? Or am I being overly sensitive?

 

A few examples of the abuse as I saw it was that people who were overweight don't get any friends. But this is obviously not true. Another example was that people who don't go to church are bad people, but evidently this is not true either. Whenever I confront them about this, they always add more to the confusion and obfuscation, and I just dismiss it. It's as if they are fearful of me or what they perceive to be my potential.

 

I have got over some of it now, but I feel angry that nobody stepped in and saw that something was off, or that nobody showed any concern. I also feel embarrassed and frankly violated that I was shown no empathy or mercy in this regard. I often am not always empathetic in real life, since little was shown to me. I know this sounds petty, but I didn't do anything to warrant it. I feel that everybody was coddled when young, and it helped their wellbeing (and this is the reason people did it) and nobody did for me.

 

I know that in this board, I come across and having a lot of issues, and I think I generally do. I think though that it is complex, and goes back to the past. I don't speak with my parents much now, since I don't need people who think they hold a right to be abusive in my life.

[Shocking Pink]

I'm not sure what the real dynamics were there, but introducing you as intelligent and telling you that good people go to church and bad people don't is not abuse. They sound like regular people who maybe oversimplify things and try to give their kids their own views on things like going to church. Not big-time abusers.

[Whimsical_Ninja]

OP, I relate to a lot of the things you wrote about.

 

Instead of going into a lengthy passage about my upbringing, I just wanted to recommend you perhaps start reading up about the particular issues related to gifted children (and how it relates to their eventual adulthood), particularly gifted children growing up with narcissistic parents. I might be off, but from what you said I think you might find some stories and experiences you can relate to. Check out some sites on gifted children/adults and narcissistic parents, see if it sets off any light bulbs for you.

 

"Abuse" is one of those things that people tend to simplify. When your parents invalidate your thoughts and feelings, when they treat you like you're 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'disappointing' just because you don't share their views, when they cut-off emotionally to punish you for not obeying, have no doubt in your mind that those things are abuse. Emotional neglect and abuse of children is truly like a silent epidemic with how rarely it is noticed and detected.

[freestyle]

OP, I relate to a lot of the things you wrote about.

 

Instead of going into a lengthy passage about my upbringing, I just wanted to recommend you perhaps start reading up about the particular issues related to gifted children (and how it relates to their eventual adulthood), particularly gifted children growing up with narcissistic parents. I might be off, but from what you said I think you might find some stories and experiences you can relate to. Check out some sites on gifted children/adults and narcissistic parents, see if it sets off any light bulbs for you.

 

"Abuse" is one of those things that people tend to simplify. When your parents invalidate your thoughts and feelings, when they treat you like you're 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'disappointing' just because you don't share their views, when they cut-off emotionally to punish you for not obeying, have no doubt in your mind that those things are abuse. Emotional neglect and abuse of children is truly like a silent epidemic with how rarely it is noticed and detected.

This post is right on the money.

 

Invalidation can be hugely damaging to a developing psyche, and I believe it's absolutely a form of emotional/psychological abuse.

 

here's an eye-opening site about invalidation:

 

http://www.eqi.org/invalid.htm

[Cee]

My mother used to call me a "know it all." Those comments caused a great deal of damage because she was quashing rather than encouraging my exceptional intelligence.

 

My mom abused me in other ways such as screaming and smacking me. She was out of control when I was young. It took several years of therapy to detach and move on from an abusive childhood. But I did heal. I consider myself fully healed and I no longer feel imprisoned by years of psychological abuse in childhood.

 

What freed me was knowing that I am a fully responsible and capable adult. This woman cannot hurt me now. I have free will, which includes the freedom to walk away from abusive people and situations. Achieving that free will took a lot of work in the form of inpatient and outpatient treatment. But it was worth the effort. I am the happiest I've ever been in my life.

 

Good luck in your journey.

[jean-luc sisko]

I'm not sure what the real dynamics were there, but introducing you as intelligent and telling you that good people go to church and bad people don't is not abuse. They sound like regular people who maybe oversimplify things and try to give their kids their own views on things like going to church. Not big-time abusers.

 

Yes, they are jealous that I am smarter than they are.

[Trishi]

I can relate as well... And according to my psyciatrist, that's considered abuse...

 

My story in short: My parents always disagreed with me. They could ask me about a movie on the TV, and whatever I said, they'd always snarl at me, and say the opposite of me. They would always hate the guys I liked, my hobbies were never okay, and any views I had, were almost always wrong.

 

If I understand this correctly, it is "wrong" for parents to dismiss what their children say as invalid information. But jealosy is most likely the issue in all these cases. The parents want to prove they are better than their children - after all, wouldn't you too feel a bit stupid, having someone 30 years younger than you, be more intelligent and knowledgable than you?

 

You definetly aren't wrong in your assumption that your parents did something wrong... I know this answer probably sucks for most people, but seeking help from a counselor can really help you out.

[silvermane187]

You laugh at black people because of slave history and wonder why your parents don't consider you nice? Oh lordy trolly.

[silvermane187]

What is wrong with being racist? Why, nothing of course!

 

 

TROLLOLOLOLOL

[spiderowl]

Not sure you can really count is as deliberate abuse as it's probably just that they have black-and-white thinking and believe these things themselves. My mother did the same kind of thing but I don't think she was deliberately lying, she just believed these things.

 

It a way it is a form of abuse in that you end up having to come to terms with re-learning a lot of your childhood information. I was in the same position and my mother was pretty paranoid. I believed her stories about the neighbours doing things deliberately to annoy us and about everyone's motives being dodgy. Now I can look back and see that she was paranoid and always thought the worse of people. It's still hard not to be wary of people because of this teaching but again I don't think it was deliberate harm on her part.

 

Oh yes, and I agree about the gifted aspect too. If your parents couldn't understand your reasoning and were not as intelligent as you, it's likely they became defensive with your questioning. The probably also gave you some pretty stupid answers.