Gardenia28 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Hello all! I'm hoping that this forum will be able to help me through this difficult time. I'm currently separated from my husband; I had moved back to the States a few months ago because things weren't working out. Initially, when we got married, things were great. Then he started changing, saying that I wasn't putting forth the effort into our marriage- I wasn't being romantic enough, I had "let myself go" as he claims (I had gained 10 lbs; and I wasn't overweight to begin with!), and that I "tricked" him into marriage. I wasn't "bubbly" enough for him, the list goes on and on. I do admit that I made some mistakes, but he expects marriage to be perfect from the very beginning. We only married in early July! And now he is saying that things will not be normal between us until I pay him back the 9K that he spent during the time we were married. I don't MIND paying him back, but he is being completely and utterly ridiculous! He refuses to talk to me, which limits me to only email- if that. And to make matters worse, I see that he has profiles on numerous dating websites, saying that he has never been married. Perhaps it was immature of me, but I have made fake profiles and talked to him through these "women" that I made up. He tells them that he's serious about getting married, and flirts like crazy to these "women"! I know that by me doing this is making things worse for me, psychologically. I always have to check and see if he's "online" these sites by going to his profiles... it's like a compulsion that I can't stop. I have been struggling since I came back to the States. Before getting married, I had sold EVERYTHING in order to move to Canada to be with him! I can't even find a job in this economy... and he doesn't seem to care. All that he cares about is MONEY. I don't know what to do. Should I step away from the situation and have no contact with him whatsoever? I find myself emailing him, begging him to talk to me. I know that is probably making things worse in the end but I can't seem to help it. Please help me...... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gardenia28 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 We met at a mutual friend's wedding... We were talking for a year before we got married. I didn't realize just how addicted he was to the Internet until AFTER we separated. He claims that he's "bored" and "lonely," that's why he goes on those sites. Does he think that I'm completely stupid or naive? I'm just so heartbroken even though I know that I'm probably better off without him. He wasn't like this when we got married; it's like he completely changed!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Country_Girl Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Geez, I can sympathize with you for sure, I am going through something similar. I moved up to Canada for a year from the states after dating my "husband" Long Distance for 2 years, and we were online friends for a few years before that. I put husband in quotes because he changed from the moment I moved there. He lied to friends/family and said we went to Justice of the Peace, one of those friends was our pastor, so the marriage paperwork never got filed (would have been illigal since he thought we were already married). He did a lot of blame shifting like your husband did- all of a sudden I wasn't good enough. When I tried to make changes, he didn't feel that was enough and started tacking on new things to the list. Meh, he also has a porn and gaming addiction. I sold everything to move there, I have nothing...no car, 1 suitcase full of clothes, and my cat. I just now (over a month later) got around to getting a cell phone since my provider was obviously in Canada and I couldn't use the phone anymore. My ex is kind of pulling the same ****, won't respond to emails and whatnot. Completely turned it around on me, acting like he is the dumpee and is hurt, when this was his choice for me to leave. I feel you, I really do, so just know that someone out there is going through something very similar. To be honest, I wouldn't pay him back that 9k. I think if you do pay it, he will disappear for good. Marriage is about "for better or worse" and he did not fulfill his end of the bargain. You don't owe him anything. Also, I know you probably chat with him on that dating site to feel some kind of connection to him, but don't do it. It will delay your healing process and make it harder to move on. Right now he is being selfish, and determining if/when he wants to talk to you. What about your needs? I would go NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gardenia28 Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 (edited) At least you have your cat LOL. I had to get rid of my two fur babies before moving because he hates cats! Country_Girl would it be possible for you to message me your email address or messenger id? I feel that you could help me a lot. Edited February 6, 2011 by Gardenia28 Link to post Share on other sites
Country_Girl Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I'm not sure how to send PMs (maybe my post count isn't high enough yet?). My yahoo id is hazz_county @yahoo . Let me know once you jot it down, then I'll edit my post to remove it. Link to post Share on other sites
health Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Hello all! I'm hoping that this forum will be able to help me through this difficult time. I'm currently separated from my husband; I had moved back to the States a few months ago because things weren't working out. Initially, when we got married, things were great. Then he started changing, saying that I wasn't putting forth the effort into our marriage- I wasn't being romantic enough, I had "let myself go" as he claims (I had gained 10 lbs; and I wasn't overweight to begin with!), and that I "tricked" him into marriage. I wasn't "bubbly" enough for him, the list goes on and on. I do admit that I made some mistakes, but he expects marriage to be perfect from the very beginning. We only married in early July! And now he is saying that things will not be normal between us until I pay him back the 9K that he spent during the time we were married. I don't MIND paying him back, but he is being completely and utterly ridiculous! He refuses to talk to me, which limits me to only email- if that. And to make matters worse, I see that he has profiles on numerous dating websites, saying that he has never been married. Perhaps it was immature of me, but I have made fake profiles and talked to him through these "women" that I made up. He tells them that he's serious about getting married, and flirts like crazy to these "women"! I know that by me doing this is making things worse for me, psychologically. I always have to check and see if he's "online" these sites by going to his profiles... it's like a compulsion that I can't stop. I have been struggling since I came back to the States. Before getting married, I had sold EVERYTHING in order to move to Canada to be with him! I can't even find a job in this economy... and he doesn't seem to care. All that he cares about is MONEY. I don't know what to do. Should I step away from the situation and have no contact with him whatsoever? I find myself emailing him, begging him to talk to me. I know that is probably making things worse in the end but I can't seem to help it. Please help me...... Oh my God. He wants you to pay him back for money spent on your marriage? I would let him go and cut your losses. Plus he's emotionally cheating. You deserve better! Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 What a tool! Good thing you didn't have children with him. Now that you know all there is to know about him and have even talked to him as some other woman, STOP it NOW. Go NC. It's the only way to heal!!!! Do not give him that money. Good grief!! Aaaaaaargh!!! Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 yea, this guy sounds awful. like others said be glad you don't have any kids. Link to post Share on other sites
willowthewisp Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Pay him back the money he spent on your marriage????????????? How childish is he?? My goodness, you dodged a bullet love, before you got in any deeper. I know you don't see it now, you're hurting and understandable so, you will though, just focus on what he has done to you and get angry, you have every right to be. I don't blame you for talking to him posing as another women. Not only is he cheating on you he is playing with other innocent womens emotions and lying to them about being married as well! That alone should show you what kind of man he really is. I'm so sorry you had to go through this. Go complete NC and as soon as you get a job and can afford it, get a lawyer and let them deal with the idiot! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gardenia28 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 So I sent him an email on Sunday, telling him to not contact me, that I have some big decisions to make and that I will contact him when I'm ready. Of course, he responded right away, asking what kind of big decisions. I didn't reply to him. Yesterday he emailed me twice, accusing me of making a fake profile to talk to him, saying how "convenient" it was of me to tell him that I didn't want to talk to him; I was using the fake profile to keep in contact with him. (I never responded to those emails either.) I also deleted the fake profile I had which I was using to talk to him because he kept asking "me" (the profile I had made up) why don't I email him more pictures or give him my phone number. I ended up giving him a fake number, and he responded saying that it wasn't a working phone number. Soon after deleting that profile, he emails me, saying that it was a smart move deleting that profile, asking me what would ppl think of me if they found out I was doing this, and asking what goes on in my head.... like I'm a crazy stalker or something. ANYWAY I have decided to go NC for at least a month, if not more. Also, no more fake profiles. It's only causing me pain and stress, which I don't need. I need to start focusing on myself. Do you think that NC is a good idea? I've read about the 180, and I plan on doing that as well. Link to post Share on other sites
trippi1432 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through, but yes, going no contact is probably the best thing for you to do in this case. Considering what you are seeing from him now, do you really think he is going to change? If he is throwing jabs like that this early in a marriage, imagine what the next 10 years will do to your self-esteem. Believe me, a couple of points in your posts remind me of my exH. Go NC for yourself so you can heal and regain your dignity. Don't worry about doing the profiles and finding him out or anything he says, you are still his wife and he got caught. That's where his anger is coming from, just remember it's his problem...not yours. NC is about you and healing what is hurting you...it's not about him changing or hoping that he will change, so keep that in mind. I agree with Country Girl and the others, you don't owe him a thing. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Read Trippi's post over and over...and over and over...and over again until it sinks in. NC is for YOU. Don't pay the loser back a single penny. He invested money, big deal. You invested your heart, and he's the one that took your heart for a ride and abused it. What a selfish man. Get free of this narcisstic piece of trash asap. Don't email, don't phone, don't have any contact. Make it so! Don't feed the narcissism! Don't be a doormat! PROTECT YOURSELF! Protect your heart! He's not going to do it for you! He will take advantage of you every chance he gets, this much is clear. Start doing whatever it takes to get your self-esteem and self-respect back. Take care of YOU! Link to post Share on other sites
sammyd Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Well done you, and so lucky you found out how is is before children! He doesn't sound like a very nice man. Be strong, and stay NC, and i echo what You Go Girl said!! Link to post Share on other sites
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