Fork in the road - what to do??

[BustyBabe]

I met my soulmate about 6 months ago. I adore everything about him. We've been having a casual relationship all this time, because I was too afraid to stop playing the hard to get game and admit that I had fallen for him. Well I told him last night I wasn't happy being just a FWB (not in so many words). He basically told me that he thinks we are 100% compatible, that he thinks we would make a great couple, and that he loves me on many different levels. HOWEVER, he didn't want a gf at this point in his life. He said the last thing he wants to do is hurt me so that if I can't handle what we have at the moment I should walk away.

 

Do you think that he was just saying all that crap about liking me to make me feel better about being rejected? Or do you think I should stick around and play it cool until he realises that we are meant to be together?? I know he doesn't see other women, and I know that he genuinly likes me as a person. I just don't know what's preventing things from developing, or if there is any hope. Please help!

[dolphinsunshyn]

This is exactly why I don't understand guys!

 

Question: did you ask him why he is not wanting a girlfriend? or what is preventing him from moving forward?

 

He probably has commitment and trust issues. I'm going through the same thing with the guy I was/have been dating.

 

Whatever you do don't force him or give him an ultimatim. I learned my lesson on that the hard way many years ago.

 

Just try to talk to him and find out what is going on. Although you have to be careful with this too. I'm going through my situation now because I tried talking to him. He thought I was overanalizing things too much and it pushed him away. Try to feel it out. If he seems resitant don't push it.

 

As far as what to do. If you are happy with the way things are going, then be paitent with him. It doesn't sound like he is going anywhere. But, if you really need a commitment; I would move on. Maybe he will realize what he lost with you and that could be what makes him get over his fears.

 

Good luck and keep me posted.

[overseas2004]

The two things I have learned in all these years of dating is

 

1. if you subject your desires and dreams for the future to someone elses you will get hurt;

2. people say what they usually mean and it rarely changes as time passes

 

That is about all I can offer.

 

I hope I am wrong.

 

Oh and 6 months is enough time.... For someone to know if the person is for them or not. Of course, this does depend a little on how young the two of you are. But if you are over 30 then he has had enough time.

 

LOL

[capitald]

Ok I see your problem right away:

"Do you think that he was just saying all that crap..."

 

Don't be so judgemental.

If this is someone your serious about then you need to take his words more seriously, you don't respect him.

 

Also, six months is not alot of time, maybe you should look for greater commitment after about a year. Maybe your rushing things and scaring him away.

 

In addition, I have been in situations where girls thought they could control me like I was on their leash. Some people think the world just exists for them. This is a very shallow, vain sort of stupidity. I was friends with a girl that just wanted me to give her what she needed and didn't care a lick about my needs in the relationship. She was very blind tyrannical sort of personality, always taking and expecting me to be always placating and defering to her wants and needs. Needless, to say I broke this off.

 

To get back to you, it really seems like you need to move on because the "lets seperate and get back together later" things hardly ever seem to work. That said,you really have to look into your heart because no one can make this decision for you.

[BustyBabe]

Thanks so much for helping me out here. Dolphin, I can especially relate to what you are saying. Thank you so much for sharing your situation. It is just so frustrating sometimes I want to scream - 'Now or never!' but youre right - giving him an ultimatum would just push him away. I just feel so stupid, like I am waiting around for something that he might never want to happen. If I knew he just needed some space to get himself together and that we would start progressing at some point in the future I would be happy where I am. But as it stands I spend most of my time overanalysing the situation and going over and over it in my head until it all seems worse than it is.

 

He's had a number of long term relationships so I look at that and think, if he committed himself to that girl why won't he with me? I'm 22 and he is 32 - sometimes I think he just might not take me seriously, which is ridiculous as we are on the same level of emotional maturity. I've been playing this hard to get game now for half a year and it is so, so difficult because I think about him all the time. I guess I don't need a "commitment" from him so much as an indication that all my hard work is not for nothing!

 

Dolphin, why can't they just sit down and tell us what's going on - why do we get shafted for trying to discuss a situation that is driving us crazy?? I don't understand!! And I don't know how much longer I can last without doing something stupid!

[capitald]

Hey, women can be just as impossible or worse, don't forget that.

[Girlie]

This is such a tough situation to be in, and unfortunately I know that from experience. Part of you wants to walk away and part of you can't imagine it. In the end, you just have to do what you're most comfortable with. It's unlikely that he's going to change his mind though. I will say that. And if you press for him to or if he thinks you're pressing, he could be more and more firm about his position. You're best bet is probably to move on with things for the time being. At the very least, I wouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. Relationships aren't just about chemistry, unfortunately. They're about timing. And this isn't the right time for him, apparently, which is too bad.