How can people break up if they've not met!

[HeavenOrHell]

I've been reading about 'couples' 'breaking up' before they've even met I can't take it seriously! Two people aren't a couple until they have actually met, they might think they are but no-one knows 100% how they will click face to face or whether they will have chemistry. How can you break up with someone you've not met!

What next, getting married and maybe even divorced without meeting?!

It annoys me a little as it's just not comparable to all the problems being in an actual LDR brings. And nowhere near comparable to breaking up with someone IRL.

[Els]

Actually, the problems are the same, with the added uncertainty of not knowing what the first meeting brings.

 

I am wary of people who do not meet by choice and claim to be in an R, but for many people (students etc), they have to wait a long time before they get to meet, but are committed to each other before that. I know a few couples who started off that way, and have been together for quite a long time now (they met after 1 year, or 2 years, etc).

 

At any rate, I don't think any of us have the right to judge whether another relationship is 'real' or not.

[HeavenOrHell]

If you haven't met you don't have the same bond you have with someone you've met, you don't have shared time together, you've spent no time with them 'face to face' doing anything which couples do.

I am close to friends I've never met, but I could never claim to be the partner of someone I've never met, I felt very close to my partner before we met but we didn't know for sure we'd click in the same way IRL, no-one can know that for sure, you can't tell for sure if you have chemistry with someone until you meet them, you can think you do but that's all.

Losing someone you've never met just can't be compared to someone you've spent a lot of time with IRL, who is there by your side. I'm coming from the angle of my ex leaving after nearly 20 years, so to me it belittles the heartbreak which comes from a real life r/ship.

It's just not rational to 'break up' with someone you've never met.

[Els]

Like I said, it really isn't up to you to judge people's relationships. To me and some others, a 'relationship' starts when you both agree to be committed and see noone else. Some people do that before logistics allow them to meet. Their prerogative. Likewise, my definition does not apply to people in 'open relationships', who consider themselves in a relationship despite not having an exclusive commitment. But again, that is their prerogative as well.

 

Your ex left you because, in your own words, you put your friends above him. I really don't think you have the right to say that people airing their own heartbreaks are 'belittling' yours.

[LittleTiger]

I agree that nobody should be 'judging' anyone elses relationships because it's for each of us to define them for ourselves. However, I also struggle to understand a 'break-up' with someone you've never met.

 

I understand how easy it is to feel a sense of intimacy with a person you know well from conversations via the internet, text or phone. However, knowing somebody well (assuming they've been honest with you) and even feeling a deep emotional connection, is not the same as having all that, plus the physical chemistry and the physical intimacy.

 

Ask anyone on the dating section about people they really click with emotionally or intellectually on a date but don't feel that physical attraction for. Without the attraction it's a friendship. Regardless of all the different types of relationships that people choose to engage in - isn't this, at least, a given - right across the board?

 

I have no doubt that 'breaking up' with a close friend who you talk to regularly (or daily), who you have fun conversations with, share stories of your life with, who supports you through difficult times and who you want to be a part of your future, would be deeply upsetting......but I also don't think it's comparable with breaking up with someone you have spent time with in real life - someone who is your friend and your lover. Becoming sexually intimate, especially having intercourse, with a person you already care about, creates a whole new depth of feeling and connection.

 

As you say Elswyth, everyone has a different definition of what a 'relationship' is so it's perhaps unfair to compare them. However, you only have to visit the separation and divorce forum and the dating forum to see that there is a qualitative difference between a break-up after several years of 'marriage' and a break-up after a few months of 'dating'. There is so much more at stake. That's not intending to belittle anyone's feelings just recognising that these relationships are different in terms of emotional investment.

[HeavenOrHell]

I have the right to an opinion though, and also all of us judge others to some extent whether we like to admit it or not, you could be a rare exception I guess. My opinion is it is irrational to break up with someone you've never met, we will have to agree to disagree.

One of the reasons my ex left is because of neglect, I put work above him, the other reason which has become more and more clear is that he could no longer deny feelings for an old friend of mine, he had fancied her years ago when we were together. You seem to bring up his reason for leaving as if to imply I were to blame, (I blamed myself for a long time until it ate me up), whereas he and all my friends said it takes two. Not sure why his reason/s for leaving are relevant here.

 

 

Like I said, it really isn't up to you to judge people's relationships. To me and some others, a 'relationship' starts when you both agree to be committed and see noone else. Some people do that before logistics allow them to meet. Their prerogative. Likewise, my definition does not apply to people in 'open relationships', who consider themselves in a relationship despite not having an exclusive commitment. But again, that is their prerogative as well.

 

Your ex left you because, in your own words, you put your friends above him. I really don't think you have the right to say that people airing their own heartbreaks are 'belittling' yours.

[sammyd]

I also don't think you should judge other people's relationships, although i can agree that until you actually meet you won't know if the attraction is also physical. However, i do think that the feelings of breaking up with a good 'more than' friend (eg, someone you connect to deeply on an emotional and intellectual level) are pretty similar to that of a breakup in a relationship, and to tell someone that their feelings aren't real because they've never met the person in RL is to me absurd.

So in answer to your post, in my opinion, it is comparable, but just maybe not quite as much so:)

[LittleTiger]

I think it would be quite interesting to know the age and relationship history of anyone who replies to this post - just because I think responses are going to be massively coloured by relationship experience to date.

 

A teenager who is living at home, is a virgin and has an online boyfriend who's her 'first love' is going to see things very differently from someone middle-aged who has had several relationships and a broken marriage under their belt (like me).

 

Again, this is not intended to belittle anyone. Everyone's views are valid. I just think this is a subject where perspective will make all the difference.

[HeavenOrHell]

I didn't say their feelings aren't real, and yes it's painful losing a close friend you've not met, I agree with your last line to some extent, maybe it is comparable but not quite as much so, but in many cases nowhere near as much so. Living with someone/being with someone you spend time with regularly is going to be more painful than losing someone you've not met.

 

I also don't think you should judge other people's relationships, although i can agree that until you actually meet you won't know if the attraction is also physical. However, i do think that the feelings of breaking up with a good 'more than' friend (eg, someone you connect to deeply on an emotional and intellectual level) are pretty similar to that of a breakup in a relationship, and to tell someone that their feelings aren't real because they've never met the person in RL is to me absurd.

So in answer to your post, in my opinion, it is comparable, but just maybe not quite as much so:)

[sammyd]

" Living with someone/being with someone you spend time with regularly is going to be more painful than losing someone you've not met."

 

Yep, exactly:)

[Els]

I agree that nobody should be 'judging' anyone elses relationships because it's for each of us to define them for ourselves. However, I also struggle to understand a 'break-up' with someone you've never met.

 

I understand how easy it is to feel a sense of intimacy with a person you know well from conversations via the internet, text or phone. However, knowing somebody well (assuming they've been honest with you) and even feeling a deep emotional connection, is not the same as having all that, plus the physical chemistry and the physical intimacy.

 

Ask anyone on the dating section about people they really click with emotionally or intellectually on a date but don't feel that physical attraction for. Without the attraction it's a friendship. Regardless of all the different types of relationships that people choose to engage in - isn't this, at least, a given - right across the board?

 

I have no doubt that 'breaking up' with a close friend who you talk to regularly (or daily), who you have fun conversations with, share stories of your life with, who supports you through difficult times and who you want to be a part of your future, would be deeply upsetting......but I also don't think it's comparable with breaking up with someone you have spent time with in real life - someone who is your friend and your lover. Becoming sexually intimate, especially having intercourse, with a person you already care about, creates a whole new depth of feeling and connection.

 

As you say Elswyth, everyone has a different definition of what a 'relationship' is so it's perhaps unfair to compare them. However, you only have to visit the separation and divorce forum and the dating forum to see that there is a qualitative difference between a break-up after several years of 'marriage' and a break-up after a few months of 'dating'. There is so much more at stake. That's not intending to belittle anyone's feelings just recognising that these relationships are different in terms of emotional investment.

 

I certainly agree that there is a difference. How can there not be? But saying that people who post about their relationship breakups are 'belittling' her because she had been with her ex for 20 years and they have never met, is just... wrong. Just because one's breakup is worse and there is more involved, does not mean that other people do not have the right to post here about theirs, or call their relationship a relationship.

 

I have the right to an opinion though, and also all of us judge others to some extent whether we like to admit it or not, you could be a rare exception I guess. My opinion is it is irrational to break up with someone you've never met, we will have to agree to disagree.

One of the reasons my ex left is because of neglect, I put work above him, the other reason which has become more and more clear is that he could no longer deny feelings for an old friend of mine, he had fancied her years ago when we were together. You seem to bring up his reason for leaving as if to imply I were to blame, (I blamed myself for a long time until it ate me up), whereas he and all my friends said it takes two. Not sure why his reason/s for leaving are relevant here.

 

I brought up that fact to remind you that the only two people responsible for your heartache in the breakup are you and your ex, and not the other brokenhearted folks who come here to post about their own breakups. I stand by the fact that noone has the right to tell two other consensual, genuine people, "Hey, guys, what you have isn't a relationship", or to tell a hurt person, "My hurt was bigger so stop telling us about yours because it's belittling mine".

[HeavenOrHell]

Ok, maybe it was wrong of me to say people who talk about break ups with someone they've not met belittles my break up or anyone else's break up with someone they've actually met, all I was saying is there a difference, as you said, and to me it's a big difference, which is where we will need to agree to disagree I think someone who 'breaks up' with someone they've never met will not experience real heartbreak until they've had a r/ship with someone they have a close bond with from spending time with them, doing things together, and sharing hugs and intimacy. I'm guessing people who are heartbroken after breaking up with someone they've not met are likely to be younger people who've not experience break ups after a LTR (LTR as in a year or more or spending most of your time together, sharing quality time together).

As I said, of course I know it can be painful losing someone you've not met, I know I would have been gutted if me and my partner had decided in the end to not meet, but losing him before meeting him wouldn't have come close to losing someone I've spent time with.

I think you can have r/ships, close f/ships, before meeting someone, I have very close f/ships with people I've never met and some of them I never will meet, but it's never going to make sense to me for people to say they're a couple before meeting, or break up before meeting.

 

 

I certainly agree that there is a difference. How can there not be? But saying that people who post about their relationship breakups are 'belittling' her because she had been with her ex for 20 years and they have never met, is just... wrong. Just because one's breakup is worse and there is more involved, does not mean that other people do not have the right to post here about theirs, or call their relationship a relationship.

 

 

 

I brought up that fact to remind you that the only two people responsible for your heartache in the breakup are you and your ex, and not the other brokenhearted folks who come here to post about their own breakups. I stand by the fact that noone has the right to tell two other consensual, genuine people, "Hey, guys, what you have isn't a relationship", or to tell a hurt person, "My hurt was bigger so stop telling us about yours because it's belittling mine".

[sammyd]

I think it would be quite interesting to know the age and relationship history of anyone who replies to this post - just because I think responses are going to be massively coloured by relationship experience to date.

 

A teenager who is living at home, is a virgin and has an online boyfriend who's her 'first love' is going to see things very differently from someone middle-aged who has had several relationships and a broken marriage under their belt (like me).

 

Again, this is not intended to belittle anyone. Everyone's views are valid. I just think this is a subject where perspective will make all the difference.

 

 

I'm 36, single at present, but have been in long term relationships.

 

I agree a teenager will see things differently, but it's probably the way they handle the situation rather than the strength of their feelings that would be the difference between someone older and more mature. So, yes, they may fall more easily for it being their first love for example, but their emotions will still be as strong (or they will see it as that, until they met for real and realised there's a difference).

 

I guess the point i'm trying to make is, because they haven't met, a person may feel that they couldn't love this person any more UNTIL they do meet, and realise their strength of feeling can go higher than they imagined:)

 

Good topic btw:)

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, very true

 

 

I'm 36, single at present, but have been in long term relationships.

 

I agree a teenager will see things differently, but it's probably the way they handle the situation rather than the strength of their feelings that would be the difference between someone older and more mature. So, yes, they may fall more easily for it being their first love for example, but their emotions will still be as strong (or they will see it as that, until they met for real and realised there's a difference).

 

I guess the point i'm trying to make is, because they haven't met, a person may feel that they couldn't love this person any more UNTIL they do meet, and realise their strength of feeling can go higher than they imagined:)

 

Good topic btw:)

[LittleTiger]

I guess the point i'm trying to make is, because they haven't met, a person may feel that they couldn't love this person any more UNTIL they do meet, and realise their strength of feeling can go higher than they imagined:)

 

This is very true, and it can go the other way - which is why I think it's 'dangerous' to make a commitment to someone you've never met.

 

Most people here know that I've been in an LDR for about 15 months and we spend large chunks of time together every few months. The online chemistry (before we met) was almost too good to be true. We met IRL after two months chatting online and we were both well and truly smitten. However, we were always careful to call ourselves 'friends' until we actually met. We were both very aware that things could just as easily have gone bad for one, or both of us.

 

On the other side of the coin, I also have experience of things going badly wrong. I met a guy online when my marriage first ended and we hit it off big time. Similar backgrounds, similar values and we got on brilliantly on the phone. We both thought it was the 'real thing'. We met IRL a couple of weeks after our first conversation and the bubble burst. Although the emotional connection was strong and we hit it off as friends, I wasn't attracted to him. I really, really tried but it wasn't there and I broke his heart.

 

So, having experienced both possible outcomes, my view is obviously biased against calling a 'not-yet-met LDR' a real relationship. In my opinion it's just too risky and places too much expectation on a future that might not happen.

 

That said, if two people do commit themselves to one another before meeting, then I suppose in theory, that means they can also break up.

[Els]

Ok, maybe it was wrong of me to say people who talk about break ups with someone they've not met belittles my break up or anyone else's break up with someone they've actually met, all I was saying is there a difference, as you said, and to me it's a big difference, which is where we will need to agree to disagree

 

I agree that there's a big difference, yes. However, the pain of labour and an ant bite are worlds apart, yet they are both pain. Ditto with the heartbreak.

[LittleTiger]

I agree that there's a big difference, yes. However, the pain of labour and an ant bite are worlds apart, yet they are both pain. Ditto with the heartbreak.

 

Agreed. I've heard that ant bites can be excrutiating! :p

[folieadeux]

I think our personal experiences will undoubtedly affect our responses here. I'm 27, have a number of long-term relationships under my belt, and am currently in a serious LD relationship. I know of successful relationships that have started online, but never had the opportunity to experience that for myself. Everyone has the right to live their lives however they see fit and not be judged, but because I have zero experience with these emotions, I can't fathom it for myself. I couldn't imagine deeming something as a "relationship" or a "breakup" when I've never met the person in real life. But this is only as a result of not having any firsthand experience with it myself.

 

As far as the pain goes, I'm sure people going through this experience something very real, but just in another way.

 

I think for most people, it just comes down to having a difficult time not casting judgment on something they've never personally experienced. And while I'm on the topic, the same can be said for LDRs. We often get crap from everyone under the sun about the validity of our relationships too. But just ask any of us on this side of the forum what we all go through on a daily basis and it's plain to see it's VERY real.

[Spiral70]

Good point!

 

 

I agree that there's a big difference, yes. However, the pain of labour and an ant bite are worlds apart, yet they are both pain. Ditto with the heartbreak.

[wbr4p]

yep the op is being severely judgemental, funnily enough, if u have never expeirenced it, pls dont talk.

if u say that it belittles the pain u felt cause ur bf/gf left u after 20 years of relationship, then u are belittling the pain i felt.until now i look at the mirror and the part where my hairs fell out.

i dont judge u for being judgemental, u are like that. people like u exist in this world, and we cant do anything about it.

[wbr4p]

blatantly sarcastic post if i might add. i'd love to meet ur ex.

[Omei]

I was kinda talking about this last night with my SO, how after meeting the thought of breaking up would hurt so much, But thinking back to before we met when we "thought" we were so so in love, turns out we both agree that if we broke it off before we even met we would of been able to move on quite easy.

[madjac74]

I completely understand HOH's point of view. It's obvious at times that I have been frustrated with people having relationship problems when they are dating thru some online game and have never really met. I know I have belittled people because of this but its just something I can't understand. I'm not saying I'm right either way but this site is about opinions and sometimes mine are harsh.

 

Anywho I have had online relationships with people and I never met them and never expected to. I learned a lot about them and the person they are and even developed emotions for them and thought about them in my daily life. Even though the majority of my relationship with my girlfriend is much the same it does not compare at all. I know what it is like to be with her in person, hold her, talk to her face to face, intimacy, watching her sleep...there is just no way to get those feelings across an internet connection. I may be far away from her now and people have belittled our relationship as well but those actual moments we have had together remind us of how real it is. Any of my online relationships I have walked away from with no lasting affect. Thats why I agree totally with HOH regarding online relationships.

 

To better serve my point... During one of me and my gf's "trying to move on" moments I talked to a girl online. She seemed nice and the conversation was interesting but when we met it was immediate no interest on my part. The visual I had of her was way off and I couldnt get out of there fast enough.

[HeavenOrHell]

Why would love to meet my ex? If you read my posts you'll see he didn't leave because I neglected him the last few years, it's also because he could no longer deny feelings for a friend of mine, who he now lives with.

We are very close friends still and we meet up for dinner regularly, there is a l lot of love between us (as friends) and always will be. I screwed up with him and he told me not to keep beating myself up as it takes two, and that it would eat me up and he doesn't want me to be full of regrets, ie the break up wasn't just down to me.

Not sure how you wanting to my ex is relevant.

 

 

blatantly sarcastic post if i might add. i'd love to meet ur ex.

[HeavenOrHell]

On the contrary I am extremely good at putting myself in other people's positions, which is why I devote myself to voluntary work helping others in need, and I am also vegan.

I didn't say people who've never met can't suffer.

Maybe I phrased it incorrectly when I said people breaking up even though they've not met belittles the heartbreak I felt after 20 years, belittling was probably the wrong word.

I think teenagers in particular will feel a lot of pain if they have close online friendships which go wrong because they won't have experienced how it feels to be left by someone in real life after a LTR. Maybe once they have experienced a real life r/ship they will then see the pain they felt after 'breaking up' with someone they'd never met doesn't come close to the pain they now feel. But that doesn't mean the pain they feel prior to that isn't real.

 

yep the op is being severely judgemental, funnily enough, if u have never expeirenced it, pls dont talk.

if u say that it belittles the pain u felt cause ur bf/gf left u after 20 years of relationship, then u are belittling the pain i felt.until now i look at the mirror and the part where my hairs fell out.

i dont judge u for being judgemental, u are like that. people like u exist in this world, and we cant do anything about it.