How can people break up if they've not met!

[aerogurl87]

I've been reading about 'couples' 'breaking up' before they've even met I can't take it seriously! Two people aren't a couple until they have actually met, they might think they are but no-one knows 100% how they will click face to face or whether they will have chemistry. How can you break up with someone you've not met!

What next, getting married and maybe even divorced without meeting?!

It annoys me a little as it's just not comparable to all the problems being in an actual LDR brings. And nowhere near comparable to breaking up with someone IRL.

 

I use to feel this way until I met my current boyfriend. I was as committed to him before we met as I was after our first meeting. Commitment isn't based on being physically with someone, although that helps. It has more to do with emotions and even in a relationship that is just online for the time being, emotions can run high and make someone commit to someone 100%. My boyfriend and I committed ourselves to each other and were exclusive before we even met. Had that not happened, I honestly don't think I would've flown to go see him in the first place.

[Rollercoasterr]

I think it's sort of sad that someone would even post this topic. Yes, it's very belittling to the other members who come here to post. There is no one size fits all relationship, and until you've been in someone elses shoes you shouldn't dare judge.

 

The pain I felt the first time Mathew and I broke up was very very real and that was the worst time of my life, spanning years. My feelings for him have never waned and the bond we felt is still the same bond we feel today. Had I not experienced this first hand I may have jumped on the judgmental bandwagon and said that you can't fall in love with someone you've never met, but it's real and it happened to me. Personally, I could give a rats hind end if you'd want to tell me that what I felt wasn't real because I don't need the okay from you or anyone to tell me that it's alright for me to feel how I did/do. I know in my heart, in the very bottom of my soul how strong my love for my husband is(and always has been) and I'm sure that there are others in the world just like me. My LDR may be over but I stick around here to let other members here know that LDR's don't always end in hurt, they can also end in happiness and a blissful life together as husband and wife(if you're in to that sort of thing).

 

No ones situation is perfect. And while I know that young people especially are prone to internet relationships that never come to fruition, you shouldn't tear down peoples relationships just for the mistakes of a few.

 

I sincerely hope that you're never faced with the realization that you have genuine loving feelings for someone you've never met just so you don't have someone to come behind you and tear into your feelings and belittle everything you hold dear. LDR's are hard for everyone and the members you are hurting right now with this topic may be the same people you call upon later for advice and comfort.

Edited February 8, 2011 by Rollercoasterr

[LittleTiger]

I completely understand where you're coming from RC and, whilst I too disagree with anyone here 'belittling' anyone else's feelings, I think HOH has apologised for what she said so it seems a bit unfair to keep bringing it up. Had she presented the topic in a slightly less judgemental way, I think it would have been met with different answers. I, for one, believe it is a perfectly valid question.

 

There are some of us here who are 'qualified' to comment, if a 'qualification' is necessary. As most people here know, my kiwi man and I are 'head over heels' and have been since we first set eyes on each other - and there's no denying that we fell in love online. Our first conversations were by email, followed by sms, phone and then skype. It was two months before we met IRL and we both struggled not to use the 'L' word before that meeting. We used 'adore' instead - a little ridiculous but it mattered to us. Our emotions were real and deep - there's no question of that.

 

I'll even go so far as to say that our feelings were 'sexual' - TMI perhaps but just the sound of my voice could get him aroused and I definitely found myself having fantasies about him.

 

However, there is absolutely no way we would ever have considered committing to each other before meeting. We did promise to 'wait' until we met ie no dating/sex with other people until we knew for sure - but that was only a matter of a few weeks and was only discussed once the first visit was 'written in stone'. Had we not been unable to meet so quickly, we would have 'loved' one another from afar and got on with our lives.

 

Now, maybe this is because we're both in our mid-40s and have a lot of experience of love and relationships, or maybe it's because age has made us more 'level-headed' and practical. I don't know. I think a major factor is our belief in the importance of sexual chemistry and physical attraction for a romantic relationship. I suppose, if others don't see this as essential, then that may be where the fundamental difference is in our understanding.

 

Of course an online relationship is real and the feelings are real - I don't think anyone is denying that (I'm certainly not anyway) but, without wishing to offend anyone, how can it really be a romantic relationship without physical chemistry? I sincerely don't understand this concept. It goes against everything that I believe about romantic love. Yes, even online there is a sexual element to your feelings because the depth of emotion creates that desire (which is an important part of any romance), but these feelings can be destroyed in seconds when you meet someone IRL.

 

My kiwi man and I will be eternally grateful that the attraction was physical as well as mental and emotional. If it hadn't been we would both have been devasted. I can only imagine how differently our conversation over coffee at the airport would have gone, had this been the case, but I do know that the subect of 'breaking up' wouldn't have been part of it. As I said before, I understand that you can end the 'relationship' but I just don't see how you can 'break up' with someone you've never met. JMO.

[Rollercoasterr]

My post wasn't really directed towards HOH, but at the situation. I get that shes apologized and I appreciate that, but this is something that comes up a lot around here lately. And again, not directing this towards HOH and not saying its the situation here but a lot of the same people will post things tearing down everyones relationship and then expect the forum to be all ears the next week.

 

And I don't know why my relationship was so different in everyway, but it made me really rethink my thoughts on relationships. I felt the exact same way that most people here do when it came to internet relationships, but all of that changed when Mathew logged on. My entire life changed in an instant and even though he was so far away I felt him around me everywhere and the love was almost overwhelming. I can only comment as for what MY feelings were like since I've never been in anyone elses shoes, but this was the most real thing I have ever felt. I can't explain it, but it was amazing. Do I think that this is rational and a great idea to have fallen so hard for someone so far away? No, and that was a lot of the reason for our breakup. It was scary for a 15 year old to feel like that, but when those same exact feelings and attraction is there 5 years later you can't ignore it. There is no one size fits all relationship.

Edited February 8, 2011 by Rollercoasterr

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't doubt how strong your feelings were before you met him, mine were strong for my partner before we met, we had genuine loving feelings for each other, but maybe I'm/we were just very cautious/rational in not rushing ahead with our feelings before meeting as we didn't want to be crushed with disappointment if we didn't click so well face to face. Many people who meet face to face won't click in the same way when they meet.

I guess I'm surprised that people can break up before meeting and yes it seemed crazy to me, not because it hasn't happened to me but because it didn't sound rational (sorry, not meaning to offend), but maybe your experience has shown me otherwise.

I'm not normally judgemental about these things.

I'm too cautious to let myself fall in love with someone I've never met, it's just not something I would do, (I didn't fall in love with my partner until after we met, it happened bit by bit after spending time together), because I know I wouldn't know for sure how I'd feel about them face to face and vice versa until we met, but I see that it can happen for other people

 

I think it's sort of sad that someone would even post this topic. Yes, it's very belittling to the other members who come here to post. There is no one size fits all relationship, and until you've been in someone elses shoes you shouldn't dare judge.

 

The pain I felt the first time Mathew and I broke up was very very real and that was the worst time of my life, spanning years. My feelings for him have never waned and the bond we felt is still the same bond we feel today. Had I not experienced this first hand I may have jumped on the judgmental bandwagon and said that you can't fall in love with someone you've never met, but it's real and it happened to me. Personally, I could give a rats hind end if you'd want to tell me that what I felt wasn't real because I don't need the okay from you or anyone to tell me that it's alright for me to feel how I did/do. I know in my heart, in the very bottom of my soul how strong my love for my husband is(and always has been) and I'm sure that there are others in the world just like me. My LDR may be over but I stick around here to let other members here know that LDR's don't always end in hurt, they can also end in happiness and a blissful life together as husband and wife(if you're in to that sort of thing).

 

No ones situation is perfect. And while I know that young people especially are prone to internet relationships that never come to fruition, you shouldn't tear down peoples relationships just for the mistakes of a few.

 

I sincerely hope that you're never faced with the realization that you have genuine loving feelings for someone you've never met just so you don't have someone to come behind you and tear into your feelings and belittle everything you hold dear. LDR's are hard for everyone and the members you are hurting right now with this topic may be the same people you call upon later for advice and comfort.

[aerogurl87]

 

However, there is absolutely no way we would ever have considered committing to each other before meeting. We did promise to 'wait' until we met ie no dating/sex with other people until we knew for sure - but that was only a matter of a few weeks and was only discussed once the first visit was 'written in stone'.

 

Well LittleTiger that's my definition of commitment, but we can agree to disagree on that part. I see what RC is saying though, and I have to agree with her. I've been in two LDRs and although with my ex I felt that committing to one another before meeting was nonsense, I didn't hesitate to do it with my boyfriend. So I don't think it's a crazy idea as sometimes you just kinda know before you even meet. The moment I heard my boyfriend's voice for the first time I knew I wanted to be with him and only him. There wasn't a doubt in my mind and although my friends called me crazy for calling him my boyfriend before we'd even met, I knew it was right. And when we met and I felt like I'd known him forever, I knew I had been right from the get go. He was and is the one for me, but maybe that's a rare phenomenon, I dunno.

[LittleTiger]

Well LittleTiger that's my definition of commitment, but we can agree to disagree on that part.

 

I don't think waiting a few weeks can be considered a 'commitment' - surely? Obviously the word commitment means something very different to different people. We most certainly didn't consider ourselves committed. There was no obligation on either side. We just wanted to wait and see.

 

I'm thinking more along the lines of people who promise to be faithful to someone for several months or even years, when they've never met. For a fifteen year old (and I'm assuming a virgin), committing to a long distance boyfriend might be considered sweet and romantic. For a sexually active mature woman, IMO, it's entirely different. I couldn't promise to stay faithful to a man I may not even be physically attracted to. To me that's foolish.

 

There wasn't a doubt in my mind and although my friends called me crazy for calling him my boyfriend before we'd even met, I knew it was right. And when we met and I felt like I'd known him forever, I knew I had been right from the get go. He was and is the one for me, but maybe that's a rare phenomenon, I dunno.

 

So, presumably the sexual chemistry when you met IRL was there? What if it hadn't been? Trust me it happens. It happened to a friend of mine and it happened to me.

 

There was no doubt in my mind either that I loved my kiwi man. No doubt at all - nor for him......... but until we actually met we didn't know if it was going to be the right kind of love. What you all seem to be talking about it 'potential' rather than reality.........but I guess I'm a realist about most things, including romance, and divorce has a way of hammering that home rather forcefully.

[aerogurl87]

I don't think waiting a few weeks can be considered a 'commitment' - surely? Obviously the word commitment means something very different to different people. We most certainly didn't consider ourselves committed. There was no obligation on either side. We just wanted to wait and see.

 

I'm thinking more along the lines of people who promise to be faithful to someone for several months or even years, when they've never met. For a fifteen year old (and I'm assuming a virgin), committing to a long distance boyfriend might be considered sweet and romantic. For a sexually active mature woman, IMO, it's entirely different. I couldn't promise to stay faithful to a man I may not even be physically attracted to. To me that's foolish.

 

If I tell someone I promise to not be with anyone else, then to me that's commitment. I don't care if it's for a week, months, or years. To me it's still commitment as it's a limitation on what I can do sexually and romantically with others. But that is just my definition of what it is and for you it's different, and probably is for others as well.

 

So, presumably the sexual chemistry when you met IRL was there? What if it hadn't been? Trust me it happens. It happened to a friend of mine and it happened to me.

 

There was sexual chemistry when we met in real life, but I'm odd as looks don't play as much into who I'm sexually attracted to as much as intellect and emotional compatibility. For me if I'm intellectually and emotionally compatible with someone it can override the fact that they are not my type and the sexual attraction will still be there. I know this as I've experienced it with two people. One of which was one of my old best friends. Physically he wasn't my type but our intellectual compatibility was through the roof so I felt very attracted to him sexually.

 

I guess this is another reason why I wasn't worried about if the sexual attraction would be there or not. We got along great intellectually and emotionally, so I knew that sexually I'd still be attracted to him in person no matter what. And luckily for me he was even sexier in person than he was in his pictures.

[threebyfate]

This thread brings to mind the philosophical question of "what is reality?".

 

If two people are in a real life relationship but only is in love where the other is ready to split, is this still a relationship? Let's add to this and say that the one who's in love believes the other person is in love and is happy for years within his/her perception of their relationship.

 

If two eyewitnesses to a crime each describes the getaway car where both are correct but neither gives a complete description, would both eyewitnesses be wrong or would they be right about their perception of reality.

 

Reality is perception, no?

[LittleTiger]

There was sexual chemistry when we met in real life, but I'm odd as looks don't play as much into who I'm sexually attracted to as much as intellect and emotional compatibility.

 

At the risk of 'flogging a dead horse' I'd like to point out that I'm not concerned about looks either and I'm also much more attracted to intellect and emotional compatibility.......but there's still no guarantee that the intellectual and emotional attraction will extend to physical attraction. If it did for you, then you were lucky - very lucky - because sexual attraction includes a physiological aspect over which we have absolutely no control.

 

A persons bodily smell, for example, is understood to be one of the most important indicators of sexual attraction. A person who smells good to you, will have an entirely different immune system and your offspring will have more resistance to illness or disease. Your brain can't tell if your immune systems are 'compatible' until you meet IRL because you can't smell someone over the internet -at least not on my laptop you can't .

 

Sorry, I'm digressing slightly to make my point.

[HeavenOrHell]

Very good point!

Looks aren't what chemistry is all about, I tend to like someone's looks *because* I like/love their personality. But looks to me is more about the look in their eyes/their expression, their smile...than about how 'good looking' they are, and we find different people attractive anyway.

I was sexually attracted to my partner before I met him too, and even his voice was (is) enough to turn me on, like you said, and I loved him, but only to a point, I am just too rational to fall in love with someone before meeting them, but it seems it does happen for others, but I feel they/we were lucky as this is not the case for everyone. So if someone breaks up with someone they've never met they can't know 100% that they would have clicked in the same way when they met.

 

 

At the risk of 'flogging a dead horse' I'd like to point out that I'm not concerned about looks either and I'm also much more attracted to intellect and emotional compatibility.......but there's still no guarantee that the intellectual and emotional attraction will extend to physical attraction. If it did for you, then you were lucky - very lucky - because sexual attraction includes a physiological aspect over which we have absolutely no control.

 

A persons bodily smell, for example, is understood to be one of the most important indicators of sexual attraction. A person who smells good to you, will have an entirely different immune system and your offspring will have more resistance to illness or disease. Your brain can't tell if your immune systems are 'compatible' until you meet IRL because you can't smell someone over the internet -at least not on my laptop you can't .

 

Sorry, I'm digressing slightly to make my point.

[HeavenOrHell]

I just wrote a post about this For me sexually compatibility is all about clicking emotionally and intellectually and not about looks and when I talk about someone being 'my type' I mean personality wise, I find their looks attractive only if I like/love their personality. Their personality makes them attractive and not their physical looks. So meeting my partner was about how we clicked emotionally, and we did and so I found him attractive, I already found him attractive in his pics and on skype but it was the expression in his eyes more than anything and knowing what a lovely person he was.

 

 

If I tell someone I promise to not be with anyone else, then to me that's commitment. I don't care if it's for a week, months, or years. To me it's still commitment as it's a limitation on what I can do sexually and romantically with others. But that is just my definition of what it is and for you it's different, and probably is for others as well.

 

 

 

There was sexual chemistry when we met in real life, but I'm odd as looks don't play as much into who I'm sexually attracted to as much as intellect and emotional compatibility. For me if I'm intellectually and emotionally compatible with someone it can override the fact that they are not my type and the sexual attraction will still be there. I know this as I've experienced it with two people. One of which was one of my old best friends. Physically he wasn't my type but our intellectual compatibility was through the roof so I felt very attracted to him sexually.

 

I guess this is another reason why I wasn't worried about if the sexual attraction would be there or not. We got along great intellectually and emotionally, so I knew that sexually I'd still be attracted to him in person no matter what. And luckily for me he was even sexier in person than he was in his pictures.

[wild_urge]

If we are going to quantify and qualify a relationship ( long distance in most of our cases ) I vote for not calling it a long distance when people live 1h apart! Don't feel a little insulted when someone is complaining how they can't see their SO, because they live 1h apart and some of us, are thousands of kilometres away from our loved ones. I mean it is LONG distance after all, not short distance relationship. May be someone can't meet their online gf/bf because they live in different countries/ states/provinces and they are still in a relationship. Someone who sees their loved ones two-three-four times a month is surely in pain also, but not as much. If we are comparing, we should consider this . . .

[hoping2heal]

I've been reading about 'couples' 'breaking up' before they've even met I can't take it seriously! Two people aren't a couple until they have actually met, they might think they are but no-one knows 100% how they will click face to face or whether they will have chemistry. How can you break up with someone you've not met!

What next, getting married and maybe even divorced without meeting?!

It annoys me a little as it's just not comparable to all the problems being in an actual LDR brings. And nowhere near comparable to breaking up with someone IRL.

 

HeavenOrHell,

 

The human brain does not know how to distinguish a connection being made through a voice on a telephone and a face on a webcam, to a connection being made while you sit across the table with someone. The stages of emotional attatchment and love develop the exact same way. In fact, you will find many making great friendships that never turn romantic, but they trust eachother and confide in and care for one another just the same and no different from a person in their daily lives.

 

This is a forum to support one another and knowing that many couples have and do meet eachother online and come here and invalidate their feelings and experience, I found your post frankly offensive. How would you feel if someone told you they did not take your RS seriously because your partner spends most of time with his ex? I have known many people by now IRL who have met and married their spouse via online. I can tell you that their relationships were every bit as real and full of anguish as an LDR with someone you have seen and met in person. Also, our board has some of their very own online RS turned to successful marriage stories, too.

 

Yes, there are LDRs online where one or both people are full of crap, that happens IRL as well and in either case that is not a good RS but I would not say real feelings do not develop and people do not get hurt under those pretenses.

 

Just like IRL relationships , online LDRs can form under the same shallow pretenses based on looks, money, etc.

Those are usually the ones that I have observed do not work out long term, just as they do not long IRL for the most part.

[LostMyHeart]

If you haven't met you don't have the same bond you have with someone you've met, you don't have shared time together, you've spent no time with them 'face to face' doing anything which couples do.

I am close to friends I've never met, but I could never claim to be the partner of someone I've never met, I felt very close to my partner before we met but we didn't know for sure we'd click in the same way IRL, no-one can know that for sure, you can't tell for sure if you have chemistry with someone until you meet them, you can think you do but that's all.

Losing someone you've never met just can't be compared to someone you've spent a lot of time with IRL, who is there by your side. I'm coming from the angle of my ex leaving after nearly 20 years, so to me it belittles the heartbreak which comes from a real life r/ship.

It's just not rational to 'break up' with someone you've never met.

 

New and still going through the thread...but I think that someone who hasn't met the other person has a harder time letting go and keeps an emotional bond to them because their hopes haven't been dashed yet. Think to how it is so easy to end a LTR or a marriage because you know that person so well, but an EA has such a affair fog to it because the fantasy hasn't been dashed yet. It's the thrill of the unknown...stupid I know....but men and women fall for it all the time because it equates to unknown hope....

[LittleTiger]

Think to how it is so easy to end a LTR or a marriage because you know that person so well

 

Are you kidding?????? Have you ever ended a LTR or a marriage? OMG!!!! I can't believe you said that!

 

The end of my marriage (after 14 years together) was the single most terrible and painful thing that has happened in my life so far (and I've had some nasty stuff happen to me) - where on earth did you get the idea that it's easy?

 

I've had many broken relationships of all types during my 46 years on this planet and, in my experience, the ending of a LTR is a million times worse than any other break up - as tragic as they all seem at the time. Have you ever visited the Separation and Divorce forum? Someone's entire world is destroyed when one person walks away after half a lifetime together - it's heartbreaking to read about never mind to experience.

 

Also, I don't understand or agree with your 'affair fog' analogy. If a LDR with someone you've never met can be compared to an affair fog, which FTR I don't believe it can, this would actually negate the feelings of those who are in this type of LDR. An affair 'fog' is just that - a 'fog' - the person can't see reality because they're blinded by this ridiculous infactuation for someone they don't know - it's usually a means of escape from a bad marriage and there's nothing real about it. In a genuine LDR, even if you've never met the person, the feelings are still very real and the 'relationship' is real.

 

(I'm sorry, I realise you're new here, so perhaps I should go a little easier but I'm not in a great mood this morning so I don't feel like holding back and I think your post is waaaaaay off the mark.)

[Faded_x]

New and still going through the thread...but I think that someone who hasn't met the other person has a harder time letting go and keeps an emotional bond to them because their hopes haven't been dashed yet. Think to how it is so easy to end a LTR or a marriage because you know that person so well, but an EA has such a affair fog to it because the fantasy hasn't been dashed yet. It's the thrill of the unknown...stupid I know....but men and women fall for it all the time because it equates to unknown hope....

 

Woah, I definitely agree with LittleTiger here. I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but your line about it being easy to end a LTR or marriage seems pretty ridiculous. It is because you know that person so well, and have so many memories and good times with them, that it is difficult to let go; not the reason why it's easy. The way you put it, the relationship doesn't even seem real; it seems like more of a fantasy. I don't know about everyone else, but I'd certainly find it a lot easier to leave someone who was all a fantasy to me; rather than someone I actually know and have spent real time with.

 

I've kind of held back in this thread, because I didn't really think there was anything new for me to say. But I would just like to reiterate those that have said that it would be harder for those that have met. I'm not saying that it wouldn't hurt for those that have yet to meet; but I agree that I wouldn't really consider it a "break up". I think the internet is a fine way to find someone (whether intentionally or otherwise), but I think of it as only a tool in doing so. I wouldn't consider it a relationship, personally, until we (or the two people involved) had met and forged a physical connection. I think you can forge a great emotional connection, but believe you need to include all factors in order to make it a proper relationship.

[aerogurl87]

I find this thread interesting, so not meaning to thread jack, but I wonder would someone who thinks it's impossible to really "break up" in a LDR where both partners hadn't met yet, find it hard to believe that someone could cheat in such a LDR?

[LostMyHeart]

New and still going through the thread...but I think that someone who hasn't met the other person has a harder time letting go and keeps an emotional bond to them because their hopes haven't been dashed yet. Think to how it is so easy to end a LTR or a marriage because you know that person so well, but an EA has such a affair fog to it because the fantasy hasn't been dashed yet. It's the thrill of the unknown...stupid I know....but men and women fall for it all the time because it equates to unknown hope....

 

No No No...I apologize....didn't see how that would be taken...Yes, I have been married before and was the one left...what I was trying to state here is how easy a walk away sees it as walking out of a LTR or a marriage because they are in an affair fog...meaning they negate the physical aspect of who they have known for so long. When someone has never met their LDR, they are essentially at that same state...affair fog....they never had their hopes dashed...they only knew that person at a distance..hence they never knew a true interaction with them. It's the fantasy that never gets satisfied...does that make sense or did I just dig my hole deeper....? :o

Edited February 12, 2011 by LostMyHeart

[spackle]

I didn't realise there was a competition over someones pain?

I didn't realise there was a specific age where you become cynical or lose the potential for romance?

 

What I've personally found with the one online relationship - yes I'm calling it that - and talking to others since, is that because there is a certain distance. People tend to open up much more quickly than they would in direct contact were you may go on a date once a week. We spent hours online & texting everyday.

 

Now I can equally argue my view of him was based totally in my head - projecting. Fair enough but what I felt was very real. When the **** hit the fan it hurt and people round me noticed and what's worse is because it's online people don't take your feelings seriously so you don't talk about it.

 

I'm not saying it's anyway comparable to a couple who've been together for 20 years but I won't belittle any who is doing a LDR or any sort of relationship where they haven't met (yet).

[LittleTiger]

No No No...I apologize....didn't see how that would be taken...Yes, I have been married before and was the one left...what I was trying to state here is how easy a walk away sees it as walking out of a LTR or a marriage because they are in an affair fog...meaning they negate the physical aspect of who they have known for so long. When someone has never met their LDR, they are essentially at that same state...affair fog....they never had their hopes dashed...they only knew that person at a distance..hence they never knew a true interaction with them. It's the fantasy that never gets satisfied...does that make sense or did I just dig my hole deeper....? :o

 

I think you just dug your hole deeper, but I feel much better today, so I'll let you off.

 

I can't imagine what it's like to be in an affair fog or to willingly walk away from a man I've spent half a lifetime with (my exH left me) so I honestly don't understand your viewpoint. To me the fantasy that never got satisfied was growing old with my exH who I have loved since we were children.

 

I guess this is just an example of how different life experiences can alter our perception and our beliefs.

[LostMyHeart]

I think you just dug your hole deeper, but I feel much better today, so I'll let you off.

 

I can't imagine what it's like to be in an affair fog or to willingly walk away from a man I've spent half a lifetime with (my exH left me) so I honestly don't understand your viewpoint. To me the fantasy that never got satisfied was growing old with my exH who I have loved since we were children.

 

I guess this is just an example of how different life experiences can alter our perception and our beliefs.

 

:o sigh...

 

I can understand your perspective there LT on the fact that your fantasy to grow old with your husband was never satisfied...I always considered that to be the "life plan" with my husband...something married couples both set a goal towards and work towards renewing their love for each other everyday....but yes, when that is killed off from us, it does feel like it was a fantasy.

 

I can only equate my exH's affair fog to my latest feelings of thinking that I was in love with my LDR and that it was a relationship...to me it had all the elements of it on both the physical and the emotional level...heck even more than my marriage did. But it was obviously only in my mind that it was a relationship since (after almost a year and many visits) he could tell me so callously in conversation that he noticed someone that if given the opportunity he might give it a shot....while at the same time tell me he wasn't looking for anyone else and that he loved being with me. Sorry, bad day for me today as it would have been a year ago today we met for the first time and Day 6 of NC.

 

So, for two people who have never had that physical aspect of an LDR...only the emotional....I was basically comparing how people describe affair fog...the rose colored glasses, denial....the feelings of lust and thinking it's love...but they never met that other person to truly see them IRL...to establish the full bond. I guess like an EA on steroids if it's not an affair due to spouses and family being in the picture. From my perspective, a person in this state, will hold the other person in high regard because the "fantasy" never got fulfilled so they never truly knew the other person IRL and will always wonder about the "what if".

 

To give an example - and again, this is just observations and my own life experiences...and heck, where my head is these days I don't think I ever want anyone in my life again because it's just too da*n hard....and too many mixed signals.

 

I have a gal friend who is in a IRL relationship with a man she is head over heels for...he's actually a great guy and is wonderful to her, but their biggest argument is about a lady he met online a year before they met. He hardly talks to her anymore and they broke up without ever meeting. But due to that one element of the fantasy, he holds her in higher regard than his IRL relationship sometimes.

 

I guess for me, I can't understand how a person can do that because, while the emotional bond is a very important aspect of a relationship, without the physical bond (gazing on each other, holding each other, holding hands, sitting across from each other eating dinner and conversing, cuddling on the couch...etc) is it truly a "full relationship"? And if never meeting someone to fulfill the rest of the relationship becomes what someone compares their future relationships on is that fair since that person's head is still in the EA side of the LDR?

 

K, going to go get my shovel and start digging some more dirt out...head first because it's truly f'd up today while I try to figure out what a relationship really is anymore....sorry.

[LittleTiger]

Sorry, bad day for me today as it would have been a year ago today we met for the first time and Day 6 of NC.

 

.............

 

K, going to go get my shovel and start digging some more dirt out...head first because it's truly f'd up today while I try to figure out what a relationship really is anymore....sorry.

 

LMH, I'm sorry you're having a bad day...........and there's no need to apologise. We're all entitled to our opinions, even when other's disagree with us or don't understand what we're saying......and I was in particularly bad mood yesterday so it should be me who's apologising for 'going off' like that.

 

I'm sure if I looked back through all my LS posts, I'd get a fair idea what mood I was in on a particular day!

 

It takes a certain kind of person to make an LDR work, so don't be too disheartened about relationships because this didn't work out. Your LDR man just wasn't the right kind, and he obviously wasn't the man for you. Every broken relationship is a learning experience, whether it's IRL or not. Take what you can from each of them and move on to better things. Your Prince Charming may be just around the corner - he certainly was for me.

 

(((((hugs)))))