I feel total panic and get hives thinking about the wedding...

[jenny]

how do y'all deal with doing something you know to be good and functional for you, but nonetheless inspires you to true, physical, panic? do you flood? limit? avoid?

 

i'm a mess, honestly. i have severe committment phobia, i expect, or something. i never really want anything but this. *this* - is perfect and fine. and yet i am *actually* getting physical hives thinking about the wedding. what the hell is the matter with me?

 

i want to build a small room on the third floor where i am not married. a panic room. this can't be good, even if it's funny.

[jenny]

i wanted to take this off of the unreplied exigent list; it's really not important, and anyone randomly deep in PMery with me (samson and jester et al,) knows this is coming.

 

whenever possible, do all share stories of how you have overcome this ridiculous crippling phobia. no pressure, as usual!

[Darkangelism]

Figure out what you are afraid of and why you are then with help break that fear, it cannot be healthy for you to be panicking like that.

[overseas2004]

I had a fear of contracting HIV to the point where it was ridiculous. I was so scared that I literally thought every little cough or health problem was a clear sign that I had it. AND I had no reason to really think I had it. I was not a high risk group. But I did have a bf in the past whom I was told was sleeping with prostitutes. So I was so afraid and so scared and litterally sick to death of fear.

 

What did I do? I faced my problem and did what I was afraid of most. Took a test. And it came out negative thank god.

 

Well, facing your fears head on is what I have heard is best.

 

But I wrote you a PM too with some other little things to think about.

[Arabess]

I think the longer one is an independent single person, the harder it is to give up control. It took me so many years to get passed being afraid to be alone....that I'm afraid to relinquish it now.

 

I've often said I would only get married if I had a 'personal room' of my own. It would be hard for me to integrate all my personal stuff with his personal stuff. I think that's what you are feeling too.

 

HOWEVER, I think love will end up overriding those fears. The panic you feel now will slowly be soothed by the secuirty and comfort of NOT having to face life alone.

 

People call it a 'committment phobia'....when perhaps it's not so much fear of the committment....as fear of losing your own self.

 

And actually.....that's what marriage is all about. Two people merging into one. Not to destroy individuality.....but to enhance it. A joint wall of strength against the whole world. That's GOT to be better than being all alone....at any time.

[zarathustra]

i want to build a small room on the third floor where i am not married. a panic room. this can't be good, even if it's funny.

 

Jen, you're Triple A's(Ambivalence, Anxiety and Apprehension) about getting married have now taken physical form in hives. That's not good.

 

You're as analytical as they come, and have tremendous self-insight. Use your super powers and try, just try, to determine whether this almost crippling ambivalence , anxiety and apprehension is caused by a reaction to "Marriage" in the abstract or "marriage" to this particular man. I always go with the particular first--that's how we live --in a world of particulars--although we think in general abstractions.

 

I believe you are experiencing more, much more, than typical marital jitters. You don't strike me as hyper neurotic , fragile and vapour-prone.

 

I just wonder if you were marrying someone else whether the psychological need would exist to inhabit an "unmarried" panic room.

 

I hate to rain on your parade, Jen, but your body/mind is telling you something very important. And you must decipher that meaning before the Day. Be careful, however, not to over-analyse.

 

 

PM me whenever you want.

 

Good luck, good friend.

[moimeme]

I'm truly sorry to say that this does not sound good at all. I've known people to have had apprehensions on not even close to the scale you have; every one is divorced now.

 

Your gut knows. Take it, jenny, from one who ignored what her gut was telling her more than once - only to come to grief. And, again, my instincts came in the form of mild discomfort, not panic complete with hives.

 

I would definitely not approach a wedding/marriage unless I felt absolutely no reservation; and again, I'm talking FELT as in sensing and not as in having a couple of wary thoughts because wary thoughts come from baggage. A bad gut feeling is much more significant.

 

Yes, I'm divorced, and for a rather unusual reason, but the marriage was mostly good and a source of growth for me. And I had not one doubt prior to doing the deed. That may be because we had been friends for five years and lived together as friends for one and then as SOs for another of those years so that I knew there'd be no surprises, I suppose. Still, I'd absolutely not venture into a long-term relationship with anyone unless my heart/gut embraced it wholly.

[meanon]

Sorry you are feeling like this Jenny you are such a fine soul you deserve happy sunny days ALWAYS

 

As it's such a strong reaction I think you need to be sure you understand what the specific things are that spook you and talk to people about them to find ways of resolving or dismissing them. Whether they are personal or abstract, are they things that may persist beyond the wedding? If they are making you unhappy now are they likely to contnue to do so? Or are they things associated with the specific day itself? If so, why are you doing it that way?

 

Like you said on my thread: I wish I had a story to share but I don't. We lived together forever before we got married. We went for unbelievably small civil ceremony with a party with friends after the honeymoon.

 

Jenny - if there's ANYTHING I can do to help you let me know (PM).

[Thinkalot]

Hi jenny. I know we don't PM often or anything, so I don't really know you all that well, but I was surprised to read your post. You always SOUND so sure on the forums that you are doing the right thing. Sometimes, when I have gone through my own fears, I have wished I could be as calm as you! So I am sorry to hear that underneath you have some big anxieties. Try and figure out where they are coming from and why. Maybe talk to a counsellor or someone who can help you pinpoint where this is coming from. I wouldn't ignore it, and sweep it under the carpet, because it will come out later for sure. Is it your fiance? or is it marriage in general? There the sorts of things you need to figure out.

 

My bf and I are talking marriage too. And sometimes I have fears , because I am a thinker, and a born worrier, and it's such a BIG committment, that I go through all the "what ifs", which is just me I think. But I always end up knowing that it's right for me, and that those worries of mine are natural, healthy fears or questions, which arise out of being one who thinks everything through A LOT! Mainly though, I feel excited and happy at the thought of us being together, and I know how to analyse and understand, and work through any little anxieties which appear every now and then. My gut knows this is what I want to do. Sometimes my worries also arise because of my own obsessive issues, and I know that is a product of the condition I am overcoming and NOT the relationship.

 

Can you analyse yourself and your own fears a bit more and try and work out what's happening? I thought sharing some of my own feelings might help you out a bit.

[jenny]

thanks everybody - i really appreciate it. most of the time i do feel calm and happy about it, and i will talk to both my rabbi and my uncle about this weekend. thanks, too, so much, for the PMs - i am very grateful for this forum and the amazing people in it. i particularly appreciate the challenge to isolate the specifics of it, it's probably one of the few times i have thought about it calmly.

 

the general issues have a little to do with how we want to spend money, but i think we can work that out in marriage classes and such.

 

i think the specific issue is that i sometimes am afraid of losing myself. the specific panic is usually triggered by some stepford in-laws incident. i repress, i don't handle anger well, and then it gets sort of projected onto my guy - who is fantastic, in every way. he really is pretty great. i'm lucky, and i know it. i just imagine this future where i swallow my anger every week at family functions and i just start to feel clastrophobic. it's like every time i don't communicate how i feel, i lose part of myself.

 

i never want to rude or unreasonable to my guy, he does not deserve that. when i don't project the anger, i get small itchy things on my arms and neck. (they are probably not actual hives ) or it turns into a big dramatic things, and i am not proud of myself when i have dramas.

 

well, anyway, i expect it will work out if i work on myself. i'm going to look for some books on this today, and will report back in.

 

thanks again guys.

[Thinkalot]

Good luck jenny Work out how you can communicate your feelings 'nicely' so they don't fester inside you!