Chell Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 So i've finally met the man of my dreams. we have only been dating a month, but things have been so natural and easy with us it feels like i have known him forever. He introduced me to his family and was always making comments about the future with us. Until he got his dream job 6 hours away... while i was freaking out he was very excited to going back to where he is from, and in a career that he loves. He made comments about flying me back and forth and nothing about breaking up. He was nervous i would find someone else and seemed genuinely concerned about our relationship. Once this moving actually got in the process and it was time to talk about us, he said that LDR's were not for him and he doesn't feel that being exclusive is a good idea. He has tried it before and it didn't work. He didn't expect things to be going so fast, and he interviewed right after we met. He got over 2 weeks of paid vacation before the move, and decided to take the time to travel. I of course was a wreck before he left, because of the answers i was getting and the fact he was leaving so long right before moving permanently. however, while heading out he texted me that he is stressed and confused and doesn't know what he wants, and will talk to me when he gets back (which will be for a couple days until he moves). I apologized for being crazy and not thinking clearly and am trying my best to not contact him while he is gone for 2 weeks, hoping he figures out what he wants (hopefully it's me!). however, i am here suffering, with a constant pain that will not go away. I feel dumb that i could feel like this about someone after a month, but right now i just want the pain to go away. I would like advice on how to handle this right now, and what people think... Link to post Share on other sites
Truane71 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I feel your pain. My ex and I were planning on moving to Colorado last month, and upon returning from a vacation mid-October, she dumped me. I was crushed. I know what it's like to literally watch someone you love walk away from you and move away. It's hard I know, but try not to freak out! When your ex comes back, see what he wants to do. If he wants to talk about things, see where his head is at. Do not force the issue. Putting pressure on these situations only pushes them away. Be as positive as you can muster, and I wish you the best! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chell Posted February 6, 2011 Author Share Posted February 6, 2011 i know i need to be positive, but i spent 2 days not being positive and slipping and harping on the issue with him wanting answers. He seemed to take it ok, said he would text while on the bus, which he did.. trying to have a normal convo and i messed it up again. i sent a text apologizing the next day, and telling him to not hate me and told myself i was done being crazy until i figure stuff out for myself. He texted me back saying he was getting on the plane and that he doesn't hate me. i told him to keep in touch once in awhile on how his trip is going and said have fun. havn't talked to him since but find myself jumping at every text i get. my stomach drops because it is never him. did I ruin any chance i might have had with him doing this? since he said he still wanted to talk about us when he comes back. i tend to over-analyze and it keeps coming up that maybe he said that to get me off his back? Link to post Share on other sites
Truane71 Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 Hard to say really. Just remember that everytime you put pressure on him, he's going to want to get away. Try not to overanalyze and don't freak out! I know going through a break-up is like a temporary insanity, but try your hardest to be the best version of yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
folieadeux Posted February 6, 2011 Share Posted February 6, 2011 I don't really think there's much you can do here, he outright told you that he's not interested in being in an LDR. I also question the seriousness of him wanting to be in this relationship at all too because, instead of spending his last two weeks with you, he went away. To me, if he was serious about wanting to make things work with you, he would have spent at least some of that time with you. From what you've posted, it seems like that didn't happen and that he's made no effort to contact you. Six hours isn't all that far away either, especially if you both have the means to travel (I'm assuming you're both adults and at least one of you has a confirmed job). My point is is that if he really wanted to make things work, he would do it regardless of the distance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chell Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 I agree. But one trip was planned already for months..and he needed to use up vacation time so he at the last second decided to go somewhere else the second week.. he felt bad but won't get the chance to do this again, so he is taking the time while he can. I'm trying to not take it personally and if I were him I would do the same thing given the time off. We both have great jobs and means of travel but would be difficult with me workiiendsg odd hours and weekends. And him Monday through friday. And he will be back with his old friends and old social life and is confused about dealing with me I personally want to try, but he is questioning it...and I am upset Link to post Share on other sites
folieadeux Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 I agree. But one trip was planned already for months..and he needed to use up vacation time so he at the last second decided to go somewhere else the second week.. he felt bad but won't get the chance to do this again, so he is taking the time while he can. I'm trying to not take it personally and if I were him I would do the same thing given the time off. We both have great jobs and means of travel but would be difficult with me workiiendsg odd hours and weekends. And him Monday through friday. And he will be back with his old friends and old social life and is confused about dealing with me I personally want to try, but he is questioning it...and I am upset No doubt you're upset, I would be too. It's a tough situation and I'm sorry you have to go through this. But I really think you have to add up everything that's going on here and face facts...it'll be easier to move on in the long run instead of dragging things out. It's admirable that you're trying to be understanding of the situation, but the whole vacation thing still doesn't make any sense to me. I get the having to use the days thing, my work has a similar policy. But, employers don't care what you do with the days. Whether he decided to go away on a last minute holiday for the last week or stay home was completely up to him. If he was serious about things, he would have left some of that time open for you in some way and maintain regular contact. Link to post Share on other sites
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Citizen Erased Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 He doesn't want to be committed to you. Even if he changed his mind, he's be pretty lukewarm about it, and it really won't work. Not everyone can handle a LDR. I wouldn't go about trying to change his mind, it could end a lot worse for you both if he was convinced to do something he really doesn't want to do. If this was meant to be, it wouldn't have even occured to him to leave and not keep you in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chell Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 i just can't get myself to accept it. it was going too well and perfect that it seems impossible that he just would want to give it up.. ive been through break ups before, long term ones and this one is worse. I feel that my trust has been smashed and that i won't find anyone better. also I really don't get how he could do this to me, it was a complete night and day change out of nowhere. i just don't understand this, and i really want to so i can stop feeling like crap. I didn't contact him yesterday, and he didn't either.. Link to post Share on other sites
Winterborn Posted February 7, 2011 Share Posted February 7, 2011 Aww, I surely know how frustrating that feels... But if you still want something out of it, the best is to have patience. You wouldn't like it if someone put pressure on you. Meanwhile, clean your emotional self... take out all that pain and anger, cry as much as you feel like, but do it by yourself, away from the world... you really have to get to the bottom of it before you can truly rise again. It will feel better, trust me You'll gain a new perspective and new force... Sometimes, confused men are just... confused men. If he felt wonderful with you, it must have been for a reason. Try to think of it and be that person again... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chell Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 what is making me angry is that he is still getting online for facebook and other things but hasn't said hi to me..i mean everything seemed fine when he left so i'm not sure why he isn't contacting me. and im supposed to be seeing him when he comes home from vacation..he leaves out of the country on thursday/friday...will it be ok to say something to him before then or keep staying NC? Link to post Share on other sites
folieadeux Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I think you should just forget about this guy completely. He's giving you all the answers you need without having to say anything. He told you he doesn't want to be LD, chose not to spend at least part of his holiday with you, and has been in contact with other people and not you during it. I'm not sure what else you're looking for. If he was sincerely interested, he wouldn't be carrying on like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chell Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 hmm.. i really hope thats not the case..truth hurts though i guess. Not sure why he was so excited for me to meet his family and everything for him to not be interested. he told me he's not one to lead girls on and he spent time with me because he liked spending time with me.. we were together constantly except when we were working. i guess i may have taken things more seriously than he did and my feelings obviously must have been stronger. i just wish there was an instant cure and solution for feeling like this..i've had enough! Link to post Share on other sites
kaygato Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 hmm.. i really hope thats not the case..truth hurts though i guess. Not sure why he was so excited for me to meet his family and everything for him to not be interested. he told me he's not one to lead girls on and he spent time with me because he liked spending time with me.. we were together constantly except when we were working. i guess i may have taken things more seriously than he did and my feelings obviously must have been stronger. i just wish there was an instant cure and solution for feeling like this..i've had enough! I can so relate to your situation right now. My ex and I just broke up and we've been in an ldr for 1.5 years (but it's only an hour by car). The last 3 months were really rocky and on-off though so it's unsurprising that wwe broke up, really. I'm trying to forget about him and to really get used to life without him in it but it's so hard! He used to be so committed to our relationship and we might still be together if communication had been better between us. But I totally sympathize with your situation and I feel like in an ldr situation breakups are almost easier to be in denial about. IIf I could see my ex more often I'm sure this would sink in easier but I almost have to remind myself that it's over and to move on. I'm so sorry you're going through this and don't feel bad that you got so attached after a month...just make sure to prepare for the worst. Most likely he won't be coming back, and if he does it will be because he wants to and the best thing to do is to stop putting pressure on him and to live your own life. Even if it doesn't work out there'll be an even better guy for you in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
TMichaels Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 hmm.. i really hope thats not the case..truth hurts though i guess. Not sure why he was so excited for me to meet his family and everything for him to not be interested. he told me he's not one to lead girls on and he spent time with me because he liked spending time with me.. we were together constantly except when we were working. i guess i may have taken things more seriously than he did and my feelings obviously must have been stronger. i just wish there was an instant cure and solution for feeling like this..i've had enough! Chell, There are no instant cures, unfortunately. You might want to beg/borrow/steal a copy of "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken" by Greg and Amiira Behrendt. It may help you and help put things into perspective. All the best, TMichaels Link to post Share on other sites
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