coping with a relationship where mental problems were a factor... any insight?

[overseas2004]

Hi

 

I would first like to say I am interested in responses from anyone but I am particularly intersted in responses from someone who has gone through the same thing.

 

I have had several break ups in my life. Some better some worse. But the most recent one left me really realing. Its been almost two months now and I have gotten over the desperate, no food eating, wishing he would come back state. But I can't seem to shake the depression.

 

To make a long story short. My ex had psychological problems. He was impotent and had problems with anger management, and severe commitment phobia. I was going through therapy with him and at some point he got better. But in the end the s---- hit the fan and he ran away (after hitting me instead of the wall that he usually used to hit). At that point the relationship completely ended. And I am not in any way trying to get it back together. But I am trying to cope and I am finding this second phase difficult.

 

Anyway the bottom line is that while I do feel better on a day to day basis. I still have the following problems:

 

1. I dream about getting hit alot lately.

2. I have dreams of him but he is a 8 year old child in the dream. And he is screaming for me to leave him alone and telling me that he hates sex.

3. Ongoing feelings of guilt that I can't supress about the fact that I should have been more patient with him and not expected a complete turn around so quickly.

 

I cant begin to explain how all these factors continue to disturb me and make life difficult for me. the guilt eats at me... and I wake up after the dreams shaking like a leaf... Thank you in advance for any responses.

[Tony T]

You're asking for solutions to a problem that should be dealt with immediately by a licensed psychotherapist or psychological counsellor. I urge you to seek professional help.

 

You need help not only for your current feelings but to find out why you remained in an abusive relationship with somebody you had to struggle to change rather than move on to find the right person for yourself.

 

When he was in therapy he needed you because you may have been the only person who would stick by him. Once he began to get better, that need was minimized. He may have even felt bitter towards you, associating you with those bad times...therefore striking you.

 

Your dreams are trying to process these happenings but without good, professional help, your subconscious mind will have no strategies for processing this information. Fact is you did get hit and this shocked you, coming from someone who you had been there for during the hard times. This isn't unusual. In America, one of Murphy's Laws is "Let no good deed go unpunished." Very often out kindnesses and generosity will be reciprocated in some opposite fashion.

 

In the dream where he is an eight year old, certainly he's not going to want to have sex with you. You are asking him to do something he is incapable of. You may be taking something into that dream that was uncovered in the counselling you attended with him. You'll have to figure that out. His anger and other problems are clear evidence that he came from a very abusive childhood and you would have been hard pressed to do anything about that. You are much better off without him.

 

I have no idea why you are dreaming that you weren't patient enough. Most women wouldn't have given this guy the time of day. Until a person is free from serious mental problems, they are in no state to be involved in a healthy relationship...particularly if they exhibit serious anger problems which could lead to abuse. Your dreams should be celebrating the fact that you are away from what was never to become an ideal situation for you.

 

You're way too old to be playing games with damaged men. Please do yourself a favor and get a counsellor to help you find out why you're attracted to this type of codependent relationship and how you can free yourself of this tendency. Do that and the dreams will go away.

[moimeme]

3. Ongoing feelings of guilt that I can't supress about the fact that I should have been more patient with him and not expected a complete turn around so quickly

 

I agree with Tony that you should seek counselling for your dreams. With respect to the guilt; I have the same feeling. I was in a relationship for two years with someone with several disorders and I still feel bad that I wasn't able to depersonalize his behaviours. If it helps, I went to a seminar for caregivers and guilt is a common problem. If you seek counselling for your other issues, I'm sure you can get help with this, too.

[curiousgeorge]

I remember your story from last month when everything was new and fresh. I have to say now what I said then. Being with someone who has mental problems is very difficult for anyone. You seem to think that you could help him get over those problems. You gave it your best shot but he ran away in the end. This shows that he could not face his problems. And you are left with guilt (which is common) fear (also common) and flashbacks (the really worrying part of this whole thing).

 

You had multiple problems with him. On top of impotence and anger management he was telling you all the time that he did not want a relationship and that he may leave you. He told you what he was going to do. You set yourself up for it. I know you did not believe him. You should have.

 

I think that you have developed some problems as a result of getting way to involved in someone elses problems. And I think you do need some help to feel better in the end because obviously it has started to invade your subconcious now that you are conciously feeling better. Those dreams you have outlined are pretty bad.

 

I remember also that you boyfriend had been involved in the war for a long time. Since I am in the military I have done a lot of research on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and you have some of the classic symptoms of it. Your ex does as well. But he also has other issues that I think do involve a childhood trauma as Tony suggests. You really had no chance to help such a deep trauma. And yes you should start to be happy that you now have a chance to go meet someone normal. No easy task.

 

I dont want to blame you or point fingers at you like Tony did up there. I think what you did was because you were friends (from what I remember) for awhile and then you did not want to abandon him. I might have tried to help someone if I were in the same situation.

 

Anyway good luck and keep me informed on the PM.

[meanon]

Yes I agree you should seek help for this soon, please don't continue to suffer this way. It sounds like part of it is post traumatic stress and this can be treated. You did everything you could, more than many would have been able to. You did more than enough. Guilt is a common reaction, do talk it through with someone.