Am I doing the smart thing?

[Grinning Maniac]

About two months ago, I met a girl through a mutual friend at an art event downtown and we hit it off spectacularly. We immediately started talking over facebook. Asked her out pretty soon afterwards and she said she'd love to get together, but pointed out that she doesn't like calling things dates and just prefers to get to know people and see where it goes. I was fine with that, and we start making all these great plans for things to do and talking for hours and such....

 

Then things take a turn. The week we're supposed to hang out for the first time, one of her friends kills themselves. So naturally we reschedule our plans for a week or two. Then we were both busy with finals for a week. Then she volunteers to help me move out before winter break, but family unexpectedly comes over right before she leaves and she can't get away. Then three weeks of winter break go by. Then when we get back, she catches the flu. Etc, etc... It's been a huge mess.

 

And then the cherry on top...she just started dating someone. I don't know the particulars apart from she knew the guy before we met. Didn't care to ask. Pretty disappointed. She still says she wants to be friends and hang out with me...but I just don't think I can or should. Preparing to send the following:

 

When [Kathy] told me a couple of her girlfriends were coming to art hop with us, I immediately asked if either of them were cute and single. I was partly joking, but when we started talking I knew I was interested. This whole time we’ve been talking, it’s never been a secret. I didn’t mind us casually hanging out first, because that’s what you were comfortable with…but you knew my intentions. Now that you’ve got a boyfriend, I can’t just flip a switch and be your platonic pal.

 

Don’t take this as a rejection of you as a person. I think you’re really awesome and obviously I was looking to get to know you better. Just not under these circumstances. Listening to you talking about your boyfriend, or bringing him along if we hung out. Blech. I do have some self-esteem, [barbara].

 

Next time you’re single, look me up. We got on like a house on fire and I’d like it if we started hanging out. Until then, remember the fun we had. I’ll send your birthday present along by [Kathy].

 

 

My question is... am I doing the right thing? Should I just go against my instincts, shut up and stick it out as her friend while still dating other people? Or just stick with no contact until she's single again? It feels like walking is the principled and safest thing to do, but it seems to run the risk of putting up a huge stumbling block to re-connecting if/when the relationship ends. "Hey, 14 months sure does go by fast. Oh, yeah, I've been checking your facebook status periodically. How are you?"

[D-Lish]

I don't know how I feel about the letter, but I do know that hanging out with someone that has a bf when you have romantic interest in them is NOT a good idea. Such an arrangement wouldn't be fair to you or the new bf.

 

If it were you, I'd be a little pissed that someone with a bf wanted to hang out with me. She knows you are interested, and she has a bf, so hanging out shouldn't be an option for EITHER of you.

[Grinning Maniac]

Yeah, I don't like letters personally. But we don't run into each other in person (she lives off-campus) and I'm **** on the phone. I think it would be sort of cold to just stop talking to her without saying anything. But eh. *shrug*

[D-Lish]

Yeah, I don't like letters personally. But we don't run into each other in person (she lives off-campus) and I'm **** on the phone. I think it would be sort of cold to just stop talking to her without saying anything. But eh. *shrug*

 

Nothing wrong with telling her you think it's best to let things go.

I think I'd keep it short and sweet as opposed to a longer explanation.

 

"I see you're seeing someone, our timing is obviously off, but I wish you the best of luck".

 

It's short and sweet, but it sends the message that you're not open to being friend-zoned.

 

Honestly, it sounds like she was playing the field a little over the course of meeting you. Somewhere in the time she was claiming to have "issues" about being able to meet up with you (the flu, a death), she was able to forge a new relationship with someone else... So I don't think you owe her too much in the form of an explanation.

[spiderowl]

I don't know whether you need to send a letter or not but if she's suggesting you hang out together still, then it seems a good idea to me. I don't think you'd enjoy seeing her with her new boyfriend and your letter makes it absolutely clear where you stand and leaves it open for her to contact you if things don't work out or she changes her mind.

 

I have doubts about her earlier busyness too. Maybe she just wasn't that interested? It seems an awful lot went wrong. Obviously the tragedy of her friend is bound to have affected things but the other things (apart from finals and dire sickness) weren't so vital. Family, for instance. If she was dead keen on you, she'd have managed to balance the two. By hanging out, too, she's keeping you at arms length. This can be a good thing in that you can both get to know each other without pressure, but sometimes a girl does this because she's not sure you're right for her and she doesn't want to get physical and then have to back-track if it feels all wrong.

 

Sorry it hasn't worked out as you'd hoped, but she could be making a big mistake with this guy and you've left a door open for her to contact you if not. Just don't hang around moping and hoping she'll be in touch because you could be meeting someone wonderful in the meantime.

[Grinning Maniac]

Yeah, it gave me pause too. There are many hours in a day, and it seems inconceivable that a person couldn't pick one at random and say "let's get coffee here". But she's an absentminded hippie type, so I gave her a pass. Part of the problem also was that we only communicated through FB and she was terrible with returning messages at times. (i.e. Send a message about hanging out on Thursday, she'd read it on Friday.)

 

Then the next day, we'd talk for three hours.

 

Hippies.

------------------

 

RE: Moping - It's strange, but I'm getting over things like this a lot faster than I used to. Guess I'm growing up. A few years ago, something like this would have me gutted for a couple of weeks. But it's been only 48 hours, and I'm feeling alright. Truth be told, there are a couple of other girls I could conceivably date, and that might be part of it...but she was the one I was most looking forward to getting closer to. Ah well.

Edited February 7, 2011 by Grinning Maniac

[30Years]

Men compete for women. It hasn't changed in all of recorded history.

 

Go after what you want. It won't come to you. No matter how it works out, you win, because you either get the girl or you find out that she wasn't meant for you.

 

The letter is a mistake.

 

Good luck. I know there are big risks, like being turned down, but if you two got on like a house on fire, you potentially have a tremendous amount to gain.

 

One last thing. Never turn down the opportunity to be a friend to someone you truly like, regardless of their gender. Never. Rich interpersonal relationships are the only true gold you will ever find in this world.

[Grinning Maniac]

Everyone seems to be saying sending a letter is a mistake. Not that I disbelieve you, but why?

 

Also, remaining friends with her seems like it could be a very awkward situation, and somewhat one-sided as far as benefits and drawbacks. I don't like the idea of no longer speaking to her, but what can I do?

Edited February 7, 2011 by Grinning Maniac

[30Years]

Everyone seems to be saying sending a letter is a mistake. Not that I disbelieve you, but why?

 

Also, remaining friends with her seems like it could be a very awkward situation, and somewhat one-sided as far as benefits and drawbacks. I don't like the idea of no longer speaking to her, but what can I do?

 

In a nutshell, the letter says, "if you're seeing him, I don't want to see you." It's an ultimatum, and you effectively cut off all ties UNTIL and UNLESS she is single. Bad move.

 

She may or may not be romantically interested in you, but if you walk away, you may never find out. Be friends with her. Show your interest. I can't see any way in hell that you "walking the gauntlet" for her would not impress her, whether she is interested or not. If you win, you win. If you lose, you walk away knowing that you gave it your best shot, and you'll be far more confident the next time around.

 

Be friends with her, and keep letting her know that you would like to to be more. Ask her out if the opportunity feels right.

 

In the meantime, date others.

 

Be confident in who you are and what you want. She will see it. She will like it. I promise.

[O'Malley]

"I see you're seeing someone, our timing is obviously off, but I wish you the best of luck".

 

It's short and sweet, but it sends the message that you're not open to being friend-zoned.

 

I would word your response in a similar manner to the above, and it does leave the door open to future contact. There's nothing wrong or weird about casually contacting her online on occasion, and it's also possible that you might run into her at some point at another event. I would tend to avoid any regular contact until you're no longer focusing on her.

 

As far as the letter, it comes across as being too invested in the situation, especially as you two never dated. You aren't obligated to give her detailed explanations, as it seems she did have time to go out with someone else. Let her see the best of you.

Edited February 7, 2011 by O'Malley

[Grinning Maniac]

I think you’re a great girl and obviously I was looking forward to getting to know you better. I may hit you up on facebook sometime, but us hanging out doesn’t feel right under the circumstances. I wish you the best though.

 

Look me up next time you’re single. You and I got along really well and I’d like it if we picked up where we left off someday. I’ll bring the shrooms. You bring the ska.

 

Is this any better? I may take out the facebook line entirely, so if I ever do contact her, it's like...a surprise.

Edited February 7, 2011 by Grinning Maniac

[Grinning Maniac]

Went with the short and sweet. It is what it is. I don't mind us talking now and then, but I'm not dumb enough to think hanging around with her all the time right now will end up pretty. As far as my emotional state goes, I'm feeling fine.

[Grinning Maniac]

Hey. I really appreciate the compliment. Whenever you're ready to hang out, you just let me know. Donkeys?

 

Yeah, so... there we go. Still feeling fine. Wish it had turned out differently, but it is what it is. A massive case of bad luck.

[Grinning Maniac]

So I found out who the bf is. It's someone she's been close friends with a long time. Ironically, the ex bf of the girl who introduced me to her. But yeah, she was already interested in this guy and he had a hell of a head start. No clue who popped the question to who, and I don't care. Nothing I probably could have done, even absent the two months of nonsense.

 

As an aside, I'm beginning to come to the conclusion that doing the "right and proper" thing is not worth it. It never gets you what you want. Staying away from a woman once you realize you have feelings for her doesn't do anything positive. It saves you some pain yes. But I keep thinking back to people I know who get together and it always seems to be the long-term friend, or the person who was interested the whole time the girl was dating someone else.

 

Maybe my approach is wrong. What has happened with this last girl happened before with another. A friend of mine for years. She broke up with her boyfriend, suggested we go out sometime. It was at that moment I realized I was actually interested. I'd just blocked it from my mind before. So I was sort of excited...but before we managed to go out, she started dating one of her close friends and roommates who suddenly professed his love for her...this guy who'd always hung around through the duration of her previous 4.5 year relationship. He hung around being "that guy" and it worked. I always hated him because I saw through it. But clearly he wasn't stupid.

 

But that's not the point. The point is, after that, I stayed away. I stopped trying to hang out with her, stopped contacting her regularly, just let it be. And now after more than a year, they're broken up. I should be happy right? But she and I, we've lost touch. Haven't talked to her in ages. What am I going to do? Just call her up and say "Hey want to go out now?"

 

Maybe no contact isn't the smartest thing.