Should i dump this girl? Past experience/jealousy issue

[wilson1]

Please help me,

 

I recently started dating a girl i REALLY liked from day one. Only been with her for a couple months but its been really intense and shes been really nice to me. I met her abroad, she is from another country and we had such a strong connection she even came to visit me to my country. She gave me a lot of butterflies in my stomach. Everything seemed magical until we started talking about past experience.

 

Im a 27 year old guy and had only 1 serious relationship in my life for about 4 years (with a woman who was a virgin when she met me, so i never had any insecurities) and had sex with about total 15 girls. I am from a pretty "machista" country so i kind of expect my woman to have less experience than me or max about the same (im not saying its right, but its what i feel comfortable with).

 

This girl is my same age and turns out she has had sex with about 30 guys or more. She had also 6 boyfriends. Several of them were complete jerks, she has a really dark past that includes a bf who left his ex pregnant while he was with her, a bf that was abusive in a way, even who locked her up in her apartment, a bf who she has been engaged to, another that left her pregnant and she had an abortion, etc. (the list goes on amazingly, i really think of all the things and almost cant believe it).

 

I almost feel like in terms of relationships she is like 40 years old or something, and im 27.

 

All of the experience she told me about, not only in quantity but in quality, Killed the butterflies in my stomach.

 

After knowing the kind of guys she has been with, i feel i dont respect her the same way anymore.

 

Its not only that she has just been with jerk guys, but she is so much more experienced than me, in terms of casual sex also, that i almost feel that nothing i could possibly do with her in bed will be new to her, and not only in bed but out of it. And i like the feeling of experiencing new things together with my partner. I dont want to miss that.

 

Everything doesnt seem so "magical" anymore.

 

This said, she is really nice to me, she says i may be the love of her life, she says she would even marry me (yes i know its crazy being that we knew each other for so little). She is from another country so i know culture can be different also.

 

The problem is that when i met her i felt that she was "crazy for me" which made me feel really special and unique. Now after kowing her past i think she may be just "plain crazy". And it just kills it for me.

 

I am suffering right now because i have so conflicting emotions about her i dont know how to handle it. And she seems really serious about me.

 

Should i dump her now and forget before the problem gets bigger? After all, there must be millions of girls around with less eperience that her. (And i must say with my ex gf i never felt insecure as i do with her).

 

Or, Should i go on and fight this?

 

I dont know what to do.

 

Please advise me!!!

Edited February 7, 2011 by wilson1

[PegNosePete]

This said, she is really nice to me, she says i may be the love of her life, she says she would even marry me (yes i know its crazy being that we knew each other for so little).

Yes. That is crazy. It's a major red flag when someone says you are the love of their life and talking about marriage, after so little time... especially from someone who is experienced. It would make me think that she is either emotionally immature/dependent, or being manipulative.

 

Her past is her past, and she should be judged on her current behaviour. Unless she has cheated on past BF's or has a history of treating people badly... that would count against her by way of "past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour". If she hasn't cheated then a history of relationships is not really anything to worry about. Everyone has a history.

 

Having said that, people use many different criteria for selecting a partner. Some don't like blondes. Some don't like tall women, or women without jobs, or women who smoke. It is really up to you to decide on the criteria you use to select a mate. If you decide you want a less experienced woman then that's your decision, and your right to choose.

[wilson1]

Yes. That is crazy. It's a major red flag when someone says you are the love of their life and talking about marriage, after so little time... especially from someone who is experienced. It would make me think that she is either emotionally immature/dependent, or being manipulative.

 

Her past is her past, and she should be judged on her current behaviour. Unless she has cheated on past BF's or has a history of treating people badly... that would count against her by way of "past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour". If she hasn't cheated then a history of relationships is not really anything to worry about. Everyone has a history.

 

Having said that, people use many different criteria for selecting a partner. Some don't like blondes. Some don't like tall women, or women without jobs, or women who smoke. It is really up to you to decide on the criteria you use to select a mate. If you decide you want a less experienced woman then that's your decision, and your right to choose.

 

Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it.

It's true, i want a less experienced girl than me. But its still hard to make a decision with this conflicting feelings i have.

Before this talks i was seeing everything as a "fairy tale" between us, like something new that had never happened before, she looked so innocent an beautiful in so many ways (which is what i want), and everything was so intense. And now i crashed into a reality that is far from what i imagined.

 

What you asked about cheating: She says she never cheated on her ex BFs. However, she does have a long history of many casual sexual partners in short periods of time (since she was almost all her life in relationships since she was 16, it was in the very brief single periods), which makes me feel it doesn't take much to take her to bed. Also, while she was on and off with one of her boyfriends, she had sex with a lot of guys. Even if its not cheating it makes me uncomfortable that she was able to have sex with other people being emotionally involved with someone.

 

Right now she is in her home country and we were making plans to be together. She is making plans to come to my country to study 5 months from now. But doing the math, it looks like she never ever was "alone" for 5 months in her whole life (since she started having sex). That doesn't make me secure either.

 

I told her that after finding out all her experience i stopped feeling special and i almost feel like a number, she says that she loves me and that it doesnt matter how many times she has been in love before this is different.

 

This all disturbs me, and in a way it still sounds "wrong" to leave someone based on her past, no matter how much i hate that past or how wrong it sounds to me

 

And then i start thinking that i shouldn't settle for something that doesnt make me secure and comfortable, and that if i had a gf who made me secure and comfortable before i might as well find another one.

 

And its a constant battle inside me that is really exhausting me and i dont know how to deal with it.

Edited February 7, 2011 by wilson1

[Bryanp]

I get the feeling that you think maybe if you get into argument she would have no problem being with someone else immediately. If you feel so uncomfortable then it is best if you break up now and find someone else do in the future you will feel comfortable with. It is clear that you are not going to forget her past so why make the both of you miserable? I wish you luck.

[wilson1]

I get the feeling that you think maybe if you get into argument she would have no problem being with someone else immediately. If you feel so uncomfortable then it is best if you break up now and find someone else do in the future you will feel comfortable with. It is clear that you are not going to forget her past so why make the both of you miserable? I wish you luck.

 

Well i mentioned that to her, she says that she would never be with someone else unless she was sure we are over. And that she doesnt want to be over of course because she loves me.

However i still dont feel comfortable with any of her life story as a whole, when she told me her whole life since she was 15 to the present last night (which took a few hours), it almost felt like a horror movie to me (even though i thanked her for sharing it and tried not to look distressed). And i dont know if i will ever be able to get over it.

 

She also says that most of her bad life experiences (with lasted for almost all her life until about 2 years ago according to her) it's because she was depressed as a teenager and she was fighting with her parents, and she was really self destructive in her relationships and her life (she kept coming back to those guys over and over), but she says now she is over depression and got friends with her parents again and that she knows what is good to her.

But knowing all of this story still makes me loose respect for her, i just dont see her in the same way. And in a way i dont feel special anymore. If she could say "i love you" to a guy who locked up in her apartment and was really mean to her on many levels, and she kept coming back, what makes me any better or special than that? I don't feel flattered as a man. Just feel that things have less "meaning" now. I like to feel special in a relationship and i kind of lost it.

And i know maybe its irrational but i cant keep from feeling that way.

 

It just hurts because i liked her so much and and at some point i got "daydreams" that she might be "the one", and almost started believing this "love at first sight" thing. And she told me the same things and i was so high on butterflies.

 

Now i find myself having nightmares at night about her being with other guys (i even dreamed a few nights ago that she got pregnant from some other guy she met on a "cruise", and she was telling she is not having an abortion again, but she loves me and wants to be with me, i woke up feeling SICK and disgusted). I am having dreams like this about her almost every single night.

 

I know they are just dreams, but maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something?

I never had bad dreams about my previous gf. Ever. And i never ever felt jealous about anything or insecure (i guess its easy to say that being the fact that she was a virgin, and she was also very old fashioned and made me feel really safe and loved).

Edited February 7, 2011 by wilson1

[wilson1]

Any more advice will we welcome

[PegNosePete]

She obviously trusts you a lot to share all those details. It does sound as though she is being full and honest. She must be aware that her past might scare you off, so to share it all must be a big risk for her, and she must think your relationship is worth investing in.

 

I think it's up to you now dude. You need to decide if you can deal with her past or not. For me, the fact that she has told you all about it and owned her actions would be worth a lot.

 

For me, saying she wanted to marry you after dating for a couple of months would be of much more concern.

[wilson1]

She obviously trusts you a lot to share all those details. It does sound as though she is being full and honest. She must be aware that her past might scare you off, so to share it all must be a big risk for her, and she must think your relationship is worth investing in.

 

I think it's up to you now dude. You need to decide if you can deal with her past or not. For me, the fact that she has told you all about it and owned her actions would be worth a lot.

 

For me, saying she wanted to marry you after dating for a couple of months would be of much more concern.

 

Thanks PegNosePete for hanging on,

 

Actually, i'm the one who started kidding about "marry me", you know, those things that men say in bed in a kidding tone... expecting the other person to laugh... she just took it to the next level

 

But, to be honest, when i started dating her i was the happiest guy, now i feel like this insecure miserable guy who cant cope with her past (and i know how hard was for her to tell me her story and i appreciate that a lot, so i can't use it against her).

I just think i will end this and keep the good memories of "happy guy and happy girl" than turn into this insecure miserable guy and ruin the relationship.

Yesterday all of this dawned on me and i've been crying like 3 hours by myself. I just want to be "happy guy" not "miserable guy" anymore, and don't know how to deal with it.

 

P.S: Would any of you men feel the same as i do? or am i just a weird guy?

Edited February 8, 2011 by wilson1

[denise_xo]

But, to be honest, when i started dating her i was the happiest guy, now i feel like this insecure miserable guy who cant cope with her past (and i know how hard was for her to tell me her story and i appreciate that a lot, so i can't use it against her).

 

I support your decision to let her go. You can't accept her past, and that will be a permanent obstacle for a healthy relationship. Move on, so you can find someone who makes you happy and she can do the same. There isn't only 'one' person for us out there and I'm sure you can meet someone else that you can have a good relationship with, you're still young.

 

My H was like you. I spent a long time answering his questions and addressing his insecurities and fears. After a few months, I just had to give him an ultimatum - you 'get over it', or we split. I couldn't be with someone who would constantly question who I was, and what he meant to me, because of my past. I think he would have been perfectly entitled to leave me over it if he wanted to, but there's no way I would have stayed with him if his attitude hadn't changed.

 

There are lots of men who feel like you, this topic is a recurrent one on LS. I think everyone is entitled to choose their own relationship criteria, but I'll never really understand the double standards of it - as in, 'I expect a woman to have less experience than myself'. I don't understand why someone would hold others to account against stricter criteria than him- or herself.

[carhill]

OP, remember also that, for some people, the 'truth' is a disclaimer. Long life experience (of mistakes) has taught me, when presented with someone with vastly different life experience and choices made, to accept that and see it as an elemental incompatibility.

 

If the young lady didn't live in another country and didn't profess her desire to marry you after but two months of 'dating', I might be inclined to be less harsh in my opinion/criteria. IMO, for you, she's not marriage material. Let her go. No prejudice. She's not wrong and you're not wrong.

[wilson1]

I support your decision to let her go. You can't accept her past, and that will be a permanent obstacle for a healthy relationship. Move on, so you can find someone who makes you happy and she can do the same. There isn't only 'one' person for us out there and I'm sure you can meet someone else that you can have a good relationship with, you're still young.

 

My H was like you. I spent a long time answering his questions and addressing his insecurities and fears. After a few months, I just had to give him an ultimatum - you 'get over it', or we split. I couldn't be with someone who would constantly question who I was, and what he meant to me, because of my past. I think he would have been perfectly entitled to leave me over it if he wanted to, but there's no way I would have stayed with him if his attitude hadn't changed.

 

There are lots of men who feel like you, this topic is a recurrent one on LS. I think everyone is entitled to choose their own relationship criteria, but I'll never really understand the double standards of it - as in, 'I expect a woman to have less experience than myself'. I don't understand why someone would hold others to account against stricter criteria than him- or herself.

 

Hi Denise, thanks for your feedback, it means a lot to me.

 

Since you already been through something similar, i hope you let me ask you a couple of questions:

 

1- "H" Means Husband? (sorry people use too many abbreviations in this forum hehe).

2- Did you finally split or he just stopped talking about it?

3- Where his questions and insecurities of similar nature to mine?

4- Was this when you just met or when you were already married?

5- If you didn't split, how is the relationship now?

 

Regarding the "double standard", i dont really see it that way in my case. I would be willing to accept if she had a similar experience to mine. But compared to her, i feel like a nun. (And before knowing her i thought i had a lot of experience). Not only regarding the number, but the sickness of the experiences themselves (which i really can't detail too much in here).

 

That said, i do believe that us men have a tendency to like unexperienced women, its just something in the male genetic code (im not saying its right though). For some reason when the terrorists make suicide attacks, they are promised to go to heaven and have "7 virgins" and not "7 experienced girls" haha. I guess there would be less terrorists if that was the case (just kidding).

 

I do appreciate if you can tell me more about your case, would make me feel more "related" to someone, specially if its on the other side of the table like yours

[wilson1]

OP, remember also that, for some people, the 'truth' is a disclaimer. Long life experience (of mistakes) has taught me, when presented with someone with vastly different life experience and choices made, to accept that and see it as an elemental incompatibility.

 

If the young lady didn't live in another country and didn't profess her desire to marry you after but two months of 'dating', I might be inclined to be less harsh in my opinion/criteria. IMO, for you, she's not marriage material. Let her go. No prejudice. She's not wrong and you're not wrong.

 

 

Thanks Carhill for your feedback. I do agree on the different choices made as an incompatibility. However, she shields everything on that she was depressed and that's why she took the wrong choices, but that now she's ok. It puts me on a difficult situation.

At the same time, when she tells me about her past story, she never sounds regretful. And she explicitly expressed that she regrets nothing in her past, no matter how sick it was, but maybe thats a way to protect herself emotionally (not carrying guilt on her back) rather than saying she approves it, i dont know.

 

I consider myself to be the type of guy that a girl would say the "great guy" kind, and when she tells me the "jerks" and abusers she's been with, and how he told them "i love you" after they kept abusing, and kept coming back, and doesn't express regret for it. It just makes me feel worthless as a man. It doesn't make me proud to be by her side. I don't know how to explain it.

 

About the desire to marry me, i really dont see it as something so bad, since i am the one who started kidding about it (that's the kind of thigs us latin men say when we have butterflies on our stomachs, even if its not serious), i think a some point she just took it seriously, and she let me know that if i proposed to her for real she would do it. And i know she IS serious about it, but i started it so i am to blame. Then i guessed i got freaked out a little, and flattered and excited at the same time. But all of this happened before i knew any of the things im telling you.

 

P.S: What does "OP" mean?

[carhill]

OP= original poster or original post

 

Re-reading, my instinct is you're more attached here than she is, in part due to your differing life experiences and relationship styles.

 

When she returns to study, what will her living arrangements be?

[denise_xo]

1- "H" Means Husband? (sorry people use too many abbreviations in this forum hehe).?

 

Yes, that's right. Yes, too many abbreviations on here.

 

2- Did you finally split or he just stopped talking about it?

 

No, we got married. After I said 'take it or leave it' (this was, however, after a long period of discussing it with him), he arrived at a point in which he decided to not let it bother him. With one exception, he never raised the issue after that.

 

3- Where his questions and insecurities of similar nature to mine?

 

I should probably say first that my context is a bit different. I haven't been in abusive relationships or had unwanted pregnancies. What my H reacted to were a relatively high number of sexual partners and me having engaged in casual sex. He comes from a very conservative culture and was a virgin at the time. In many ways it's a miracle that he 'got over it', as the vast majority of men from his society would have flat out rejected me.

 

This is quite a few years ago now, so I don't remember everything in detail. I can't remember him saying things like being worried about not feeling special, but it's quite possible he was thinking that. I think the whole thought of casual sex was pretty unthinkable as well as disgusting to him. Seeing that we were from different countries/cultures, he was also worried that a general 'moral code' of my society was that anyone could just have sex with anybody at any point in time (slightly caricatured here, but basically he was asking a lot of questions related to where boundaries were, whether infidelity was common, how he could be sure that I would be loyal to him if people took so easily on sex, these kind of things).

 

 

4- Was this when you just met or when you were already married?

 

This was a few months after we met/ before we married.

 

5- If you didn't split, how is the relationship now?

 

Over the past year, it's been a bit tough. However, that's been related to very different sets of issues. We're working on it. The only time when this particular issue came up again, was when I was going through a longish period of low libido some years back which of course was very frustrating for him, and he then once told me that I was like a used washing rag and that I had already used all my sexual energy on others and left nothing for him.

 

Regarding the "double standard", i dont really see it that way in my case. I would be willing to accept if she had a similar experience to mine.

 

OK, that's fair

 

For some reason when the terrorists make suicide attacks, they are promised to go to heaven and have "7 virgins" and not "7 experienced girls" haha.

 

 

Hope that helps. I still think you're perfectly justified in leaving this, should you want to. Your bad dreams and crying doesn't sound good for you. In any case, good luck!

[fltc]

Please understand the problem is you, not her. If you can't overcome your trust issues, and from your posts I believe you can't, you'll have to move on.

[wilson1]

OP= original poster or original post

 

Re-reading, my instinct is you're more attached here than she is, in part due to your differing life experiences and relationship styles.

 

When she returns to study, what will her living arrangements be?

 

Well, i am not sure if i am more attached than her. She shows some real compromise, she even said she was willing to ask her dad for money (since she doesnt have any after her last trip) just to come see me again ASAP before even studying. She is 4 hours ahead in the timezone than me, and she sometimes spends all night chatting with me on skype, even skipping college (she should wake up at 6am and sometimes its 7am over there and she's still talking to me). She says she never stops thinking about me. She says the sweetest things ever for a man to hear.

I guess i played along at first, but now i get so many conflicting (disgusting) emotions after all that i learned... and i'd rather end the "fairy tale" now and keep the good memories, than let it get rotten slowly by feeling miserable and insecure. And i don't want to get to the point where i use her past against her, that would make us both miserable.

 

P.S: As i am writing this post i just got an international sms to my cell phone saying "im thinking of you " . I have blood in my veins too you know?

 

Regarding living arrangements, she is supposed to be staying here for about 6 months when she comes to study, i hope on a place of her own.

When she said she was willing to ask her dad for money, she said she would have to stay at my flat since she had so little money. In the past i know she shared appartments with several bf's, and i guess its not such a big deal in her culture. On the other hand I only lived with 1 gf (the one that lasted 4 years) and i see moving together as a "big step" in a relationship. I told her that i dont want it to be just a matter of money and that id rather her have her place and move together when we are ready to make a real commitment (i cant have her living with me with the insecurities i have now, its just too much). I want it to mean the same thing for both if we do live together, even if she calls it "staying" for a couple of weeks. She got a little pissed off at this fact. At the same time i understand that she feels she is making a huge effort to come and i dont even want to take her in my appartment so i understand why she is pissed. I just wished the procedure was different and that if she moved in it is because of a commitment on both parts. For me living with a woman is a big deal.

 

I'm telling you all this because she looks like she is going 200 mph, and i was too, but now that i learned about her past i pressed the brakes and i guess im moving at 10 mph (and sometimes backwards).

[wilson1]

He comes from a very conservative culture and was a virgin at the time. In many ways it's a miracle that he 'got over it', as the vast majority of men from his society would have flat out rejected me.

 

I understand the cultural difference, i have a similar problem. I come from a country where a man who slept with 30 women is a "winner" and a woman who slept with 30 guys is a "slut". But she comes from a super equality country where it's socially the same for a guy than for a girl (i guess).

Sometimes she says some things that a girl from my country would never say so freely. So i guess i try to be more flexible knowing this.

 

Seeing that we were from different countries/cultures, he was also worried that a general 'moral code' of my society was that anyone could just have sex with anybody at any point in time (slightly caricatured here, but basically he was asking a lot of questions related to where boundaries were, whether infidelity was common, how he could be sure that I would be loyal to him if people took so easily on sex, these kind of things).

 

I have exactly the same fear, ALL her friends are guys, and i would never have a gf who goes to have dinner with a guy alone (which she does), even if she says its ok, it doesnt make me comfortable. She is also friends with her ex, and goes to have dinner with him. She dances tango and even had guys she doesnt even know stay at her couch when they come to a tango marathon, and she told me how normal it was for her to tell her ex bf "i have this guy i dont know staying at my appartment and we spend all night dancing tango alone in the living room", and she tells me that and im WTF!????

 

I explained that will NEVER happen with a gf of mine, just for her to know, but i cant say anything since she is not my gf yet.

 

She said she is willing to compromise all of that for me. That i dont have to worry.

 

It sounds like a big commitment, but at the same time it feels wrong that i have to twist her arm to change so many things from her.

 

With my ex gf i never had any talks like this, she just didnt make me feel uncomfortable with anything, i didnt even have to ask.

 

he then once told me that I was like a used washing rag and that I had already used all my sexual energy on others and left nothing for him.

 

OUCH, that must have hurt a lot. I hope he apologized for that.

 

Hope that helps. I still think you're perfectly justified in leaving this, should you want to. Your bad dreams and crying doesn't sound good for you. In any case, good luck!

 

Thank you for your feedback it really helps me. And about the dreams, its true, i must say the very few times i had dreams like this about other girls, it never ended good

 

P.S: How old are you? just out of curiosity.

Edited February 8, 2011 by wilson1

[wilson1]

Please understand the problem is you, not her. If you can't overcome your trust issues, and from your posts I believe you can't, you'll have to move on.

 

I know the problem is me, she seems to be willing to take this forward, i am the one who has doubts. That's not at discussion.

 

Thanks for your reply though.

[carhill]

OP, I'll just say, having been manipulated in such a manner a few times in life, including within my M, I'd pass on this one.

 

I see all the classic signs of a push-pull manipulator. Sorry about that

 

As a compromise, she can establish her own residence locally and you can continue to get to know her over time. No 'temporary stays'; no 'living together'. If she's sincere and healthy, she'll see the value in this. If she's truly left her past life behind and wishes you to give it no weight in the present, her current actions will reflect a new perspective, respecting your boundaries proactively. Good luck

[wilson1]

OP, I'll just say, having been manipulated in such a manner a few times in life, including within my M, I'd pass on this one.

 

I see all the classic signs of a push-pull manipulator. Sorry about that

 

As a compromise, she can establish her own residence locally and you can continue to get to know her over time. No 'temporary stays'; no 'living together'. If she's sincere and healthy, she'll see the value in this. If she's truly left her past life behind and wishes you to give it no weight in the present, her current actions will reflect a new perspective, respecting your boundaries proactively. Good luck

 

Sorry, what does "M" mean? I can't think of a word that starts with M. Macintosh?

[carhill]

M = 10 year (M)arriage

[wilson1]

M = 10 year (M)arriage

 

Thanks

 

Just out of curiosity, what makes you think she is a push-pull manipulator? Up to now i just felt that she's been pulling all the way, never pushing me away. But i may be wrong.

I almost feel guilty im not paddling as hard as her.

[carhill]

Over the top contact and expressions of interest balanced by this:

 

'When she said she was willing to ask her dad for money, she said she would *have* to stay at my flat since she had so little money.'

 

then:

 

'I want it to mean the same thing for both if we do live together, even if she calls it "staying" for a couple of weeks. She got a little pissed off at this fact.'

 

I could go back through your great posts here and quote out every last little detail which is prodding my spidey sense, but this one dynamic about covers it.

 

Tell me, rounded to days, how much time in the last two months have you and she spent together, in person, pressing flesh?

[wilson1]

Over the top contact and expressions of interest balanced by this:

 

'When she said she was willing to ask her dad for money, she said she would *have* to stay at my flat since she had so little money.'

 

then:

 

'I want it to mean the same thing for both if we do live together, even if she calls it "staying" for a couple of weeks. She got a little pissed off at this fact.'

 

I could go back through your great posts here and quote out every last little detail which is prodding my spidey sense, but this one dynamic about covers it.

 

Tell me, rounded to days, how much time in the last two months have you and she spent together, in person, pressing flesh?

 

ok This is the story, first of all i know this may sound ridiculous but i dont even want to mention what countries we are from because im a little scared that she might google find the post haha (sorry if its irrational i just want this to remain anonymous). Lets just say she is in a scandinavian country and i am in a latin american country.

 

I met her in her country in scandinavia on a business trip in november 2010, spent just a few minutes with her where i met her at a burguer king (out of chance), i asked her to translate a site for me since i didnt understand on her language how to get to the airport. She had a wonderful smile and eyes but I was supposed to leave that night and never see her again after talking 5 minutes.

 

I missed my flight because of a mistake. Had to stay 1 more night. Sent her a message on facebook nex day and asked her if she wanted to show me around since i knew now one there. We spent a great evening together, almost magical, which ended me at her apartment. So just 1 night there and then i ran to the airport.

 

From there we started chatting on skype. A month later she tells me she got tickets to my country, she wants to see me again. She came here on a tango trip in december 2010 and spent 3 weeks including new year. Over those 3 weeks we spent a lot of time together, even though she was sharing an apartment with other scandinavian tango colleagues, she stayed several nights at my apartment.

 

So in total, physical time together, i would say about 10 or less? But there was a lot of chatting and skype video calls since november 2010 to now.

 

The physical time spent with her was wonderful, none of this started popping up until i found out of her past out of casual conversations. And also out of some weird attitudes that had to be explained only by problems in past relationships.

[denise_xo]

I understand the cultural difference, i have a similar problem. I come from a country where a man who slept with 30 women is a "winner" and a woman who slept with 30 guys is a "slut". But she comes from a super equality country where it's socially the same for a guy than for a girl (i guess).

Sometimes she says some things that a girl from my country would never say so freely. So i guess i try to be more flexible knowing this.

 

 

I have exactly the same fear, ALL her friends are guys, and i would never have a gf who goes to have dinner with a guy alone (which she does), even if she says its ok, it doesnt make me comfortable. She is also friends with her ex, and goes to have dinner with him. She dances tango and even had guys she doesnt even know stay at her couch when they come to a tango marathon, and she told me how normal it was for her to tell her ex bf "i have this guy i dont know staying at my appartment and we spend all night dancing tango alone in the living room", and she tells me that and im WTF!????

 

I explained that will NEVER happen with a gf of mine, just for her to know, but i cant say anything since she is not my gf yet.

 

She said she is willing to compromise all of that for me. That i dont have to worry.

 

It sounds like a big commitment, but at the same time it feels wrong that i have to twist her arm to change so many things from her.

 

With my ex gf i never had any talks like this, she just didnt make me feel uncomfortable with anything, i didnt even have to ask.

 

 

P.S: How old are you? just out of curiosity.

 

Yes, some of that sounds quite similar to the way our situation was. Those kind of discrepancies do really take their toll on a relationship, and I'd caution you against stepping into them - 'them' here meaning not just differences in sexual experience but the wider 'package' that goes with the different cultural experiences and assumptions around it. In our relationship we have both compromised in different ways to address those issues, but in many ways it makes in infinitely easier if one starts out at the same page (as you said with reference to your ex gf, where things don't even need to be articulated). I think inter-cultural relationships can be extremely rewarding, but they do also come with a set of specific challenges that require hard work and at time painful compromises. In addition to your current situation, think long term: where can you both live and be happy socially and culturally, where can you both find work easily, how would you raise your children, in which country would you like them to grow up, etc. [if this doesn't apply, think of the issues that would be relevant to your case].

 

If you don't call this off, I would at least advice you to live apart when she comes to study, so that you can explore the implications of your differences under less stressful conditions.

 

I'm mid-thirties.

Edited February 8, 2011 by denise_xo