Should i dump this girl? Past experience/jealousy issue

[jthorne]

The girl seems very insecure and may equate sex with love. Nevertheless, I second everyone that advised ending the relationship. You want what you want, she needs what she needs, and those two don't appear to be compatible.

[fltc]

I know the problem is me, she seems to be willing to take this forward, i am the one who has doubts. That's not at discussion.

 

What is at discussion is can you conquer your doubts? From your posts I believe you cannot.

[wilson1]

In addition to your current situation, think long term: where can you both live and be happy socially and culturally, where can you both find work easily, how would you raise your children, in which country would you like them to grow up, etc. [if this doesn't apply, think of the issues that would be relevant to your case].

 

If you don't call this off, I would at least advice you to live apart when she comes to study, so that you can explore the implications of your differences under less stressful conditions.

 

I'm mid-thirties.

 

Thanks, that's true. I do think we could agree about the children and how to raise them, etc. But right now im not even at that stage, honestly I really don't know if this will survive tonight.

 

Tonight we scheduled a video talk on skype and i still don't know if i will end everything there (we havent talked on skype since she told me her story that night).

 

I think she doesn't susspect anything since she's texting me she misses me several times a day, and how much she thinks about me.

And when she told me about the "horror story" (that's how i call it) it i tried my best to have a supporting attitude and calm her down (since she was making an effort to open herself to me).

She doesn't even know about the panic attacks i had thinking about that afterwards.

 

So yes, tonight will be a hard moment. One way or the other, so wish me luck please.

[wilson1]

The girl seems very insecure and may equate sex with love. Nevertheless, I second everyone that advised ending the relationship. You want what you want, she needs what she needs, and those two don't appear to be compatible.

 

Thank you. The truth is that the first night i met her in scandinavia and she took me to her apartment (she offered me her "couch" for the night), i didn't even have sex with her. That's because i had a gf at the time and i didn't want to be unloyal, and she knew it. Even if she told me she wanted me and almost begged for it when i was there. (i didn't mention the gf thing in the forum before because i didnt want to complicate the story too much, and it has nothing to do with her).

 

By the time she decided to come to my country i hadn't had sex with her before. But maybe that was something that hooked her up even more ? The fact that she could take a guy to her apartment and he was the one who didnt want to have sex? i have no idea.

 

When she was here i already didnt have a gf anymore. And yes, things were very passionate. Almost too pasionate. To the point that feeling kisses in such an intense way that made me feel dizzy, and made her feel dizzy at the same time, almost like fainting (i never felt this before, and she says she didnt either).

But i am aware passion is not enough to have a healthy relationship (no matter how intense it is). You need to have a similar set of values, projects, lifestyles, and need to feel comfortable with the other persons behaviour.

 

I do feel im still young and good looking so shouldn't settle, even if its hard to let this go.

Edited February 9, 2011 by wilson1

[wilson1]

What is at discussion is can you conquer your doubts? From your posts I believe you cannot.

 

Probably not. But then again, should i "conquer" my doubts? Or should i be with someone who doesnt give me doubts in the first place?

[JohnnyCage]

Maybe you should sleep with 15 more women and then assess the situation on hand with her

[wilson1]

Maybe you should sleep with 15 more women and then assess the situation on hand with her

 

Haha, you know what? We even discussed that (in a kidding way). She said, "ok, how long will it take you?"

 

And i said "ok, the first 15 took 27 years, so i dont think its a good idea"

 

Truth is, even though im a guy, i dont like so much "disposable sex". So if i go out and have to be with 15 other women just to be secure with her, probably i would find that its not even worth it and will get hooked up with some other one.

And maybe by the time i've been with 30 girls she has been with 50 guys so it will be a neverending race.

 

As a man, I'm not even interested in being with 15 girls, i'm over that stage, i just want 1 girl who will make me not need any other girls. Does that make sense?

 

Ok, i took this idea too far, haha.

Edited February 9, 2011 by wilson1

[fltc]

Probably not. But then again, should i "conquer" my doubts? Or should i be with someone who doesnt give me doubts in the first place?

 

Yes to the second option. Your even beginning this thread is proof that you can't come to terms with her past so rather than continue a relationship that can only end badly, end it now.

[wilson1]

Yes to the second option. Your even beginning this thread is proof that you can't come to terms with her past so rather than continue a relationship that can only end badly, end it now.

 

Thank you for your concise feedback. I appreciate it.

 

I still have a couple of hours to make a final decision (we are going to talk in about 3hs). But my head is already 75% towards your option. I just need the guts to do it and never look back.

 

 

Since she doesn't see any of this coming (i am still receiving messages telling me how much she misses me and looks forward to talking tonight). She even just told me how she was talking to her mom about me all day yesterday and told her everything about us (in a really happy way). Since i've been really nice to her last time we talked.

 

Right now i see three possible plans of action:

 

1- Explain her honestly whats going on and that there's no way we cant continue because of that. End it right there. (Will be like punching her in the face, no matter how kindly i do it).

 

2- Give her some kind of "ultimatum". Explaning that i cant really cope with her past, even if i try to really hard (and that i've cried over it). And that i might give it another try, but i really need to know she regrets certain stuff, not because of me, not to cause her guilt, but because of self dignity, i need a woman who values self respect and dignity as much as i do. And who will make me proud every single day she is by my side. If i see some commitment from her side, we give it "one more try", if it doesn't work at least next time she will see it coming and may be easier or "more fair". But i really don't know if this option will lead to even more suffering or not. I have no idea.

 

3- Talk about trivial stuff, pretend nothing is going on , and make a decision later.

 

Which option is better? (or any other suggestions are welcome).

 

P.S: I only have 3 hs

Edited February 9, 2011 by wilson1

[Akumark]

Eveytimes I read a thread like this I remember why I don't ask any question about my partner past anymore, my life is so much easier now.

[denise_xo]

1- Explain her honestly whats going on and that there's no way we cant continue because of that. End it right there. (Will be like punching her in the face, no matter how kindly i do it).

 

This.

 

[ten characters]

[fltc]

What Denise_xo said.

[wilson1]

Ok Guys, i just ended it.

 

Just hanged up with her in skype. I wanted to THANK ALL OF YOU FOR THE SUPPORT AND ADVISE, it has been really helpful to have your opinions.

 

I feel nostalgic and really sad now with that feeling of "what could have been" or "what i could have done better". But i guess it was the only way to go.

 

I am sad also because she was always really nice to me. It's really hard to hurt other people's hearts

Edited February 10, 2011 by wilson1

[wilson1]

Ok, this hurts. I guess i will have to open a thread in the "Coping" forum now?

[denise_xo]

Ok, this hurts. I guess i will have to open a thread in the "Coping" forum now?

 

That sounds like a good idea. Sorry you're hurting. But I think you made the right decision. You need a basic level of mutual respect in a relationship and the two of you didn't have that. More fish in the sea, as they say.

[wilson1]

That sounds like a good idea. Sorry you're hurting. But I think you made the right decision. You need a basic level of mutual respect in a relationship and the two of you didn't have that. More fish in the sea, as they say.

 

Ok i will start one right now. Hope you subscribe, you've been helpful

[wilson1]

Ok i just started a new "coping" thread, any of you who want to give advise will be very welcome.

 

thank you

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t264504/

[Darren Steez]

lol, really? the one guy she thought she could open up to and be herself and the guy goes and dumps her? As human beings we constantly evolve, learning from our mistakes and moving on, this girl had a "dark" past, sleep with lots of guys, now let's reverse this, if this was a dude who had a "dark" past and slept with lots of girls we'd just chalk it up to a phase before he's ready to settle down. You had unrealistic expectations from the start, when you didn't know her past this same girl gave you butterflies, but those butterflies died when this girl had the guts enough to own up her past to you. It's funny how many relationships are ruined by dishonesty and people not owning up to their real feeling. Yeah this girl was nice to you because she may have really loved you enough to say hey, this is the one, I can tell him everything because he's not the usual set of jerks I messed around with. Anyway good luck to you, at least you were honest enough to break up with her , maybe next time she won't be so honest with her next partner. Shame really.

[beckyspiller]

I can completely understand where you're coming from I'm having the same problem with my boyfriend and knowing that they're not as "clean" makes it feel less "special" to us.

 

I've only had one serious boyfriend before and I've thought I was in love many a time, oh sadly how I was wrong.

 

All you've got to do is answer 3 questions. 1) Is she clean? 2) Is that part of her life over? and 3) Can you forget it?

 

I'm trying to forget mine and I'm really hoping you can forget yours. It's hard, but just remember she's with you now and you're what matters.

 

Good luck.

[wilson1]

lol, really? the one guy she thought she could open up to and be herself and the guy goes and dumps her? As human beings we constantly evolve, learning from our mistakes and moving on, this girl had a "dark" past, sleep with lots of guys, now let's reverse this, if this was a dude who had a "dark" past and slept with lots of girls we'd just chalk it up to a phase before he's ready to settle down. You had unrealistic expectations from the start, when you didn't know her past this same girl gave you butterflies, but those butterflies died when this girl had the guts enough to own up her past to you. It's funny how many relationships are ruined by dishonesty and people not owning up to their real feeling. Yeah this girl was nice to you because she may have really loved you enough to say hey, this is the one, I can tell him everything because he's not the usual set of jerks I messed around with. Anyway good luck to you, at least you were honest enough to break up with her , maybe next time she won't be so honest with her next partner. Shame really.

 

I totally agree with you. And that makes me feel bad about myself.

 

The only part i dont agree with is " if this was a dude who had a "dark" past and slept with lots of girls we'd just chalk it up to a phase before he's ready to settle down". It's not just about the number of partners or if she is a guy or not, but about some really self destructive things that when i picture them they sound so wrong they really make my heart twist and ache and disgust me way too much. (some of them i didn't even mention in this forum because it doesnt even seem appropiate, and some dont even have to do with relationships or the guys she's been with).

 

But still, it will always feel bad to leave someone based on their past.

[wilson1]

I can completely understand where you're coming from I'm having the same problem with my boyfriend and knowing that they're not as "clean" makes it feel less "special" to us.

 

I've only had one serious boyfriend before and I've thought I was in love many a time, oh sadly how I was wrong.

 

All you've got to do is answer 3 questions. 1) Is she clean? 2) Is that part of her life over? and 3) Can you forget it?

 

I'm trying to forget mine and I'm really hoping you can forget yours. It's hard, but just remember she's with you now and you're what matters.

 

Good luck.

 

Sorry, maybe my english is not so good. I think i didnt understand your post correctly. Is it you who is not "clean" or him? What are you trying to forget?

 

I think the answer to your questions are.

 

1) Maybe

2) Maybe

3) Not very likely

[mabaha]

No, No, No..Just let her go. I may be a little bit conservative but reading your story made me want to advise you to leave immediately. Be strong emotionally and you need to very objective in your assessment. As you already said there are millions of others in the world that you can again date..so why get hooked with this one with such a colorful history. It would have been better to just let the past be buried and not brought out in your conversations at all so that if there is true love, this will override whatever setbacks you have had in the past. You should always move forward. Just do it.

[wilson1]

No, No, No..Just let her go. I may be a little bit conservative but reading your story made me want to advise you to leave immediately. Be strong emotionally and you need to very objective in your assessment. As you already said there are millions of others in the world that you can again date..so why get hooked with this one with such a colorful history. It would have been better to just let the past be buried and not brought out in your conversations at all so that if there is true love, this will override whatever setbacks you have had in the past. You should always move forward. Just do it.

 

Thank you for your advise, i appreciate it.

I guess it requires a lot of strength emotionally to let it go and be objective.

Especially when so many strong positive emotions were involved in the first place.

 

Regarding the past, i think it would have been impossible not to bring it up at some point, people just cant pretend that their life never existed, and when you are really interested in someone conversations just come up. At some point you notice some "weird" things in the story, and then you start asking questions and then its just a downwards spiral (in this case it seemed to be a very deep one). I don't even feel like i reached the bottom and sometimes i am tempted to ask more... but i am afraid to ask because i know it is likely that the answer may hurt.

[athurmon]

I am guessing my advice is too late, but I wholeheartedly agree with the decision you made.

 

Your situation is eerily similar to mine, in that I met a girl from Sweden while on a business trip, she also had a promiscuous past, she came to the US on a student visa and studied here while we got to know each other.

 

She also told me this time was different, we got married a year later, and about 18 months after that she was having an affair.

 

A good part of it was cultural difference, she had a nonchalant attitude towards sex, so to her this wasn't a big deal. For me, it was a deal breaker.

 

In the end, you will find someone with similar values and with a similar past that you are comfortable with, which will also help with not feeling resentful down the road. Good luck.

[wilson1]

I am guessing my advice is too late, but I wholeheartedly agree with the decision you made.

 

Your situation is eerily similar to mine, in that I met a girl from Sweden while on a business trip, she also had a promiscuous past, she came to the US on a student visa and studied here while we got to know each other.

 

She also told me this time was different, we got married a year later, and about 18 months after that she was having an affair.

 

A good part of it was cultural difference, she had a nonchalant attitude towards sex, so to her this wasn't a big deal. For me, it was a deal breaker.

 

In the end, you will find someone with similar values and with a similar past that you are comfortable with, which will also help with not feeling resentful down the road. Good luck.

 

WOW, your comment really leaves me speechless... specially because i started talking to her again...

 

Did this girl you meet in sweden had a past of being unloyal to her bfs?

Please give me a little bit more details?

Edited February 26, 2011 by wilson1