Should I Stay or Should I go? Thoughts on Living together B4 Marriage.

[single girl again?]

I need some solid insight! Please:)

 

I'll try to make this brief - I'm 29, he's 34 and divorced. No children.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and have lived together for 2.25 years (yes - that was quick). When I moved in, there were some adjustment issues on my part, some feelings of insecurity and depression. My fault, as we moved in too soon and I lost myself a bit in the relationship. However, I felt that a committment was made and that I should battle through things - like feeling lonely, like perhaps moving in together was a mistake, dealing with his family, etc....

 

I moved into his house (that he briefly shared with his ex wife) & he asked me to sign a co-habitation agreement to ensure that I didn't claim any rights to the house. I refused, and said that I'd only live there for 2 years, and if after that time we weren't planning on getting married, I'd be looking at leaving anyway. Thus, he wouldn't need to worry about losing the house, cause we'd never be "techinically" common law. Yes - this all sounds horrible, but the fact is that we cared for each other very much & I just saw this as a bump in the road. Plus, I had made a committment.

 

Having said that, it wasn't a great feeling & was a difficult way to start out. We got through many different challenges (I became depressed & had to see a doctor for awhile) and were fairing well.

 

Last summer, 1 year after living together, he told me to expect a wedding this summer.

 

I was elated.

 

Big surprise - no engagement, and by last October I started to pull back emotionally & sexually and things started to dwindle out. I mean, it was becoming clear that the proposal and the wedding wasn't going to happen.

 

Now, this past February we chatted & I told him that I wasn't sure anymore - that we don't connect, and that when I go out, I get confused because other people ask me out & want to get to know me -- and here I live with someone who "ISN't SURE"! I have felt that 3 years has been enough to know. I've lost a lot of myself, who I am and feel that I've let myself down in this relationship. He agreed that he loved me very much, but wasn't KNOCK KNEED in love with me, and has been having doubts and isn't sure. I told him that I needed to be his priority, and that it was clear that I haven't been. He agreed with that and said that'd change. I said that perhaps it's just time for ME to make ME a priority.

 

I said I'd move out.

 

Moving out, I figured, is a good opportunity for me to have some distance, time alone, time to regain myself and time to explore what I want. We could continue to see each other, and make decisions based on some distance and clarity.

 

This has been a TOUGH decision, as we do love each other and care for each other very much. But - I made it. AND NOW, 3 hour before I have to go and sign a lease, he has decided that HE WANTS TO GET MARRIED. Now, he says, don't move. "I've done soul searching and it is you that I want".

 

What am I going to do? He says to give him another month, another 2 months etc - but I think "I've Given You 3 years!". It's time for you to fight for me and work towards winning me back.

 

Should I stay or should I go?

 

Please - any thoughts?

[tattoomytoe]

i would sign the new lease- your lease on life! tell him your lease will be up in x yrs, months whatever, and if you want to try to work it out thats fine, just work out of your own home.

[single girl again?]

Hey TatooMyToe,

 

Thank you for your direct approach - I appreciate it!!

 

My fear is that I am making him sound horrible, when in reality, I've perhaps been the horrible one at times. The living in thing just doesn't bode well for me. I'm a marrying girl!!

 

I am just so confused and feel like I am spinning. Him & I have been talking this over for 8 weeks now!! I feel that I am just stuck between being responsible and trying to work this out as a couple (we love each other), and saying "Call Me in 8 weeks! See ya later" Until I move, we live together, and it is soooo horrible to sit there day after day and debate this over, and over and over....

 

thanks again! I really appreciate it.

[tattoomytoe]

well look at it this way, your lease will be up eventually, and if in that time ya'll work it out, he proposes, whatever, you can be togerther...but if not, at least you are not still feeling stuck at his house, plus it could give him that kick in the butt that he needs

[single girl again?]

Thanks, You have probably just stated what my family has wanted to tell me, but won't! And, perhaps have stated the obvious.

 

I really appreciate it.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

The living in thing just doesn't bode well for me. I'm a marrying girl!!

Tattoo was right on. Sign the lease. Move out. He can win you back if he wants to bad enough. But this time, don't move to his place until AFTER the wedding.

[single girl again?]

You guys are great

 

Perhaps I can be the loveshack.org consultant on reasons 'why you shouldn't live together before marriage'.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by single girl again?

I need some solid insight! Please:)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and have lived together for 2.25 years (yes - that was quick). When I moved in, there were some adjustment issues on my part, some feelings of insecurity and depression. My fault, as we moved in too soon and I lost myself a bit in the relationship. However, I felt that a committment was made and that I should battle through things - like feeling lonely, like perhaps moving in together was a mistake, dealing with his family, etc....

 

Having said that, it wasn't a great feeling & was a difficult way to start out. We got through many different challenges (I became depressed & had to see a doctor for awhile) and were fairing well.

He agreed that he loved me very much, but wasn't KNOCK KNEED in love with me... I told him that I needed to be his priority, and that it was clear that I haven't been...

 

 

These are a lot of parallels to my current situation. We've been together for just over a year and living together (in my house) for just under 9 months. I have been feeling less and less like a priority and someone he's in love with. He says he is, but I feel taken for granted. I feel like he is not affectionate or sweet like he was. So many things. I'm starting to think I should tell him I don't think it's going to work out. Your situation is so much like mine.

 

I don't really have any advice to offer because then I might have to take my own advice (lol), but I just wanted to say that I can understand where you're coming from with this. It IS a hard decision. I'm at a loss as to know what to do. I just know I don't really feel happy and I feel disappointed. The way he was, the way he said he was going to be, is not the way he is acting. He has also changed his mind several times about when we would get married (he's going through a divorce now though so that subject has been dropped for the time being). In the beginning, though, we were both on the same page with all of these things. Now he's no longer "gaga" over me or "enthralled" with me and boy does it show.

[single girl again?]

Just a thought -

Once we started to hash this out (8 weeks of talking!) and referred to ourselves as "officially broken up", we started to get along much better. We are living like roomates - separate bedrooms, but we are starting to share our feelings and gaining insight on each other. Is that normal?

[single again?]

Freeme, Do you want to write a book together on "why not to cohabitate before marriage?"!? LOL

 

It's just a bad idea as there is no significant level of committment - if I was married, this would have been dealt and gone with, but as an unmarried person, we automatically feel the need to protect ourselves.

 

I guess that perhaps we've made bad decisions and need to deal with them now. I wish 2.5 years down the road that I had - at the 9 month mark, dealt with the feelings that I had at the time.

 

It's so difficult because it's not that we don't love them - it's that we want to put OURSELVES first. So - I wish I could offer you advice, but I can't. However, if I was in your situation again, I'd talk it over, keep the door open - but still stick with your gut instinct.

 

Good Luck!

[single girl again?]

so -

It's thursday - the man with the apartment lease post poned our meeting yesterday. Soo. I went out last night with girlfriends (had a blast), came home to the x-current live in boyfriend and it was nice to see him. We have had a nice morning - getting along comfortable and fine...and this is where the confusion erupts.

 

I know that moving out is the right thing to do - but it's SO tough when we aren't fighting!!!

[overseas2004]

If I were you I would still move. Make sure he knows where you live and your new phone number and tell him when he has figured himself out he can call if not "have a good life".

 

You cant do it any other way because you have gotten too close to important promises. It is time for him to jump through the hoops. And it is going to be painful for you for a while until he does. Face it head on and smile if you can.

 

By the way I could help you all write the book. We could make it funny too.

[FreeMe]

Originally posted by single again?

Freeme, Do you want to write a book together on "why not to cohabitate before marriage?"!? LOL

 

I wish 2.5 years down the road that I had - at the 9 month mark, dealt with the feelings that I had at the time.

 

It's so difficult because it's not that we don't love them - it's that we want to put OURSELVES first. So - I wish I could offer you advice, but I can't. However, if I was in your situation again, I'd talk it over, keep the door open - but still stick with your gut instinct.

 

Good Luck!

 

 

LOL, I'm probably more qualified to write a book on other things like how to attract losers (current guy excluded) or as Arabess likes to call them ASSCLOWNS!

 

Thanks for the wise words. I haven't decided how or when I'm going to bring up the topic with him yet. Still thinking it over.

[single girl again?]

FreeMe,

 

Hang in there and keep me updated - I hope that all works out for you! Seriously, it's so hard to say it initially, but it's wild --- when you start talking it won't stop!

 

Perhaps this will save your relationship!

 

I'll let you know what happens here.

[sumdude]

Well, you could actually look at it as a good reason to live together. You only found out your incompatibilities after living together. If you were already married then moving on and making changes would be a lot more difficult and soul wrenching than it already is.

[single girl again?]

Thanks Some Dude -

The trouble is that we are getting along SOOO fabulously now. We have realized that we want the same things - but the fear is that we are making these decisions under diress, and should leave the big decisions (e.g. marriage) to a time when we are clear and not so emotional!

 

I can see your point with regards to getting to know your incompatitiblity - but what strikes me about living together b4 marriage is that the level of committment you have towards each other suggests an implied dedication to the relationship and working through troubles. (EVERY RELATIONSHIP HAS TROUBLE) - but this shacking up thing to "see how it goes" lets you have all of the trouble, with out the committment - allowing you to sit and wonder...

 

I'm not sure if I make sense, but I do thank you!

[wildturkey]

Sounds like you are still in the same household and that you are starting to communicate. Sometimes a physical separation is necessary and the living arrangements have helped. When your heart talks "listen". Your bf went through a leagal battle "divorce" where he may have lost some ground and now wants to protect himself. That is something you have not experienced yet since you are not married. Marriage is for sharing and he may have a bad experience. How long has it been? I can see how if he was a multi$$$$$ he would want to do a pre nup. Have a living alternative just in case and explore more your relationship maybe you are moving forward in a positive way.

[heidi]

MOVE OUT!!!!

You've come so close now, don't back out! I was in the same situation (with my husband now) and although it has worked out for us so far, I REALLY don't think that living together before gettting married, or at least deciding on getting married, is a good idea. Living together forces you into a level of commitment that people who haven't decided to spend their lives together aren't ready for. It's really easy to get stuck and to compromise too much. Until he decides (without a deadline!) that he's ready for marriage, leave yourself an out. Don't commit yourself to someone who's not ready to commit to you. I'm not saying to break up with him, just give each other the space you need. You say that now that you're just room-mates your getting along great, that sounds like a good sign to me that space is exactly what you guys needed. You may still get married to him some day, but don't waste your time forcing this guy to come around. Good luck!

[jmargel]

You all seem to be missing a big point here. It doesn't matter if she moves out or not. Her moving out & then back in won't solve any problems. And even though things might be going great now, you will hit road-bumps, just like everyone else.

 

He's paying more attention to you because partly he realizes what he is losing, how he got comfortable with you and took you for granted. With you, you battled depression but he was subjected to that as well. From personal experience, living with someone who has that is very hard. You tend to put alot of things on yourself, thinking you are the cause, and people who have depression will more often than not lash out at the ones closest to them. Take that into consideration.

 

As for my advice, it would be to find a licensed marriage counselor, since moving out will just be avoiding alot of the issues between you two. Going to a counselor will get to the root of alot of problems. It will help you both as a couple and as an individual.

[InLove13]

Hi -

 

I think you should definitely move out. And him saying you should give him more time is ridiculous. By moving out, it will give him a clear sign that you mean what you say, and that you aren't afraid of moving on if he isn't ready. Also, if he does want to get married and is just having cold feet/committment issues, this will help him better realize how much you mean or don't mean to him - and vice versa for you.

 

Be strong sister - hang in there, and remember that no matter what happens - it happened for a reason.

[lissab113]

Do you guys think that maybe living together would have been better after you had been together for a couple of years?

 

Just curious

[Tabrianatha]

honestly.

 

do you think that after three years have passed and he's said he's not sure would mean that in 1 to 2 months would make him any surer?

 

if you give him that time, he'll be pressured to marry you. it'll be something he doesn't want to do. and who knows?! maybe there'll be infidelity because of his insecurity, and all that that you can't possibly handle.

 

i mean, he's made you sign a co-habitation thing. it'd be selfish of me to say, but you haven't wasted your time. those 3 yrs. with him should be taken as a learning experience. get someone who truly loves you.

 

also: if you keep breaking up with him and getting back together, its a sign of dependence-not love, ok?

 

-Tab

[Joce1983]

well my situation is very similar to yours ive been living with my boyfriend for about 2.5 years and going out for 3 and a bit............we used to talk to about when we would get married and things like that but now its getting closer to when we said he and i both became distant because he was scared i guess.

 

I unfortunately didnt make the right decision, instead of getting out by myself to sort me out i stayed and now we have no choise but to move away from where we are because of his parents.

 

I say go for it. Move out and sort things out for u, if he loves u he will realise how much when your not there and fight for u . I wish i had. It just gets so hard.

 

Anyway goodluck .

[feesh13]

I'd say move out too. In my experience guys have amazing ability to fix things when they are broken but then once they realize they have you back it all goes back to normal.

 

It'll give you both the chance to clear your heads and figure out what you really want.

 

Hope it all works out for you.