My partner and his ex

[HeavenOrHell]

Some of you know the situation with my partner and his ex and how she spends most w/ends with him at his apartment and how for a while after they split she still wanted to sleep next to him (sleep, not sex) until I said I wasn't happy, so that bit was resolved months ago at least.

One reason she left him is cos she was too emotionally dependent on him, got together with him when she was a teenager and never become independent. When they first split she spent every w/end with him and was still emotionally dependent on him, then she seemed to spend less time with him and I was happy but the last few weeks she is there most w/ends and it means we have way less contact, this is what is getting to me, I've swallowed down how I feel lately. He'll still call me but for shorter time and no chatting online. Last w/end was so nice as she wasn't there and we spent hours talking, it was like spending a w/end together.

He used to thank me for being so understanding about their f/ship.

The only times I've mentioned her is with the bed situation months ago and a few weeks ago I said I worried he was closer to her emotionally still as they spend way more time together than me and him do, which he took to mean I don't trust him, which isn't the case, he said he is closer to me, not her and I said I feel I'm being much more tolerant than most people would be and he said nothing, so now I feel he isn't appreciating just how tolerant I am. 99% of the people I speak to about this say they would not be happy with the amount of time they spend together.

I've said nothing lately as I don't want to rock the boat as things are actually really good between us and I feel really close to him, but I'm starting to avoid him now as I don't know what to do or say about this. Should I stay quiet? Am I making problems where there are none when everything else is good between us? If he doesn't feel he wants to spend more time talking to me at w/ends then we're on different pages.

I find it hard that my long term ex is with his new gf, my partner is with his ex and where do I fit in?

I'm good friends with my ex but I don't want to spend whole w/ends with him, would be too strange for a start and how might his gf feel.

I'm scared I won't get the answer I want. I want him to say he'll see less of her, but I only want it if he wants to spend more time talking to me too, otherwise what is the point?

I might not send it cos of my pride and thinking if he doesn't want to talk to me more often then I feel stupid and needy.

I'm supposed to be going to see him in 2 days and I feel reluctant now. Maybe I should wait and see how the w/end goes and whether she comes up in the conversation. Maybe I should wait and see if things change.

I've said to him I worry he'd never move to live closer to me while she is still around, he said he would find it hard but that it wouldn't stop him and that she can come and visit. I still feel he won't move unless she moves away, he said she might be moving away anyway, but I don't want our future to depend on what she does.

My ex only stayed over as he's in the middle of moving home to move in with his gf.

Anyway, how does the following email sound;

>Hey, something's been on my mind lately.

I already miss not been able to spend w/ends with my partner, it makes it worse that we don't have much contact as your ex is there most w/ends. It's like she's never fully left you, she wants to spend a lot of time with you and would still sleep next to you if you let her. I don't think she considers how I might feel.

Maybe you'd feel similar if you were me if your ex had someone new and my ex was staying with me most w/ends and you didn't have much contact at w/ends with me. You're with her at w/ends, my ex with his gf, where do I fit in?

I said before how I don't want to spend too much time with my ex as it feels too strange, and him sleeping over at the w/end confirmed this, so it's not like I'm saying I'd feel happier about you and her if I was seeing him most w/ends, that's not what I want.

I can't see how to resolve it, I've tried to ignore how I feel so I don't cause you to resent me, but I don't feel happy about it.

All I'm saying is I wish we could have more contact at w/ends as a LDR is difficult enough as it is, but we can't as your ex is there.

I can keep occupied at w/ends, do my own thing and see friends etc, but I also wish we had more contact then, but I guess it's not something you want as you're occupied with your ex.

I've not wanted to say anything as things between us have felt really good but it feels like I'm not being honest, and I'm keeping how I feel in so that I make it easier for everyone else.

Everyone keeps saying how tolerant I am that your ex spends most w/ends with you and that they wouldn't be as tolerant, but I've got my limits when it cuts down on time we 'spend' together.<

[HeavenOrHell]

And who in their right mind would choose to be with someone in another country who spends most w/ends with their ex.

[LittleTiger]

HOH, you've called me 'forthright' in the past and, of course, I'm going to be true to form here.

 

Three things (all JMO of course):

 

1. Things are NOT good between you - the good bits are superficial because you are so often 'stewing' underneath. The relationship isn't 'honest' and it isn't meeting both your needs. If you don't feel free to talk openly about how things really are for you, the relationship is being damaged on a daily basis.

 

2. Nobody in their right mind would choose to be with someone in another country who spends most weekends with their ex - nobody!

 

3. The email is a great idea - especially if you feel he's not listening to you when you talk - and it will clear the way for a more open discussion when you see him. I wouldn't mention your ex in the email though. Your relationship with your ex, the amount of time you spend with him etc isn't relevant to problem you have here. You don't put your ex before your partner and, to be brutal, you don't 'fit in' anywhere with your ex other than as his friend.

 

What you want to know is where you 'fit in' with your partner, how do you 'fit in' to his life. I think you also need to be a little more direct ie you say in the email that your partner's ex is not considering how you feel? What you really mean is that he isn't considering how you feel - you should say what you mean, otherwise you're not expressing your needs or your understanding of the situation clearly.

 

The problem you have is about your partner not acknowledging or understanding your needs. Are you sure that you are really 'laying things on the table'? If you want an honest answer, the best approach is a direct question. He knows you're uncomfortable with the amount of time he spends with his ex and he knows that it eats into your time 'together'. He's already making the choice to do nothing about it and, regardless of the outcome of you bringing it up again, he is already putting her (and himself) before you.

 

Only you know what you're prepared to tolerate but he seems very selfish to me and I wouldn't put up with my own needs being ignored in this way. I also wouldn't tolerate such an open ended (who knows when the distance might end) relationship - but that's just me - we are all different.

[Els]

I agree fully with LT.

 

This has been a very, very longstanding issue with you, HOH. It's like it eats at you almost all the time, whether you realize it or not. Is this relationship REALLY making you happy for the most part? Can you see happiness in it in the future?

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks LT and Elswyth, I texted him this morning as he was sounding worried as he hadn't heard from me much over the weekend, so he thought something was up, I texted and outlined what was bothering and he called me on his way home from work and he was really sweet, I said can we talk later as I was at work and he was on the train, this evening I wrote an email (modified version of the one I put on here) to explain how I felt and he called me straight away after reading it and he totally understood how I felt and was so sweet and understanding, he'd been worried about losing me as I'd gone silent over the w/end, so he sounded so relieved to have heard from me and said please don't ever feel I can't explain how I feel of fear of upsetting him, that he'd feel worse if he knew I wasn't happy but wasn't telling him.

All I needed to feel better was to say it and for him too acknowledge it, that's all I needed to do and knowing he will make more time for me at the w/end. And he thanked me for being honest with him. It was such a loving phone call

Really looking forward to seeing him Thursday

[LittleTiger]

HOH, I'm really pleased to hear you had a chat and you're feeling so much better. That's great news.

 

Have you agreed how things might change in the future? If he said you'd get more time together at the weekends, does that mean his ex will be staying over less?

 

If he now understands how you feel perhaps this is the breakthrough you've been waiting for. I've got my fingers crossed for you.

[folieadeux]

I'll have my fingers crossed for you too HOH. This has been an issue that's been eating away at your relationship for far too long. Unfortunately, this is one thing having a good chat over won't fix. There has to be action on his part. If he refuses to spend so much time with her then you really have to decide if you can live with this arrangement for as long as you're long distance.

[sammyd]

I'll have my fingers crossed for you too HOH. This has been an issue that's been eating away at your relationship for far too long. Unfortunately, this is one thing having a good chat over won't fix. There has to be action on his part. If he refuses to spend so much time with her then you really have to decide if you can live with this arrangement for as long as you're long distance.

 

I echo the thoughts of Folieadeux. There has to be action on his part if it's eating you up this much.

Good luck:)

[TokyoG33kyGal]

sorry, i don't understand. why even allow the ex to sleepover?

[Citizen Erased]

What is he going to DO now? Everytime you have this conversation with him you're pacified by him being sweet and saying all the right things. It's all talk, nothing is fixed, not even close.

 

He is all talk, you keep going to him about this and yet he's done nothing. Like telling his ex not to sleep in his bed is a huge sacrifice he made for you? Please.

 

He hasn't done anything to fix this because he knows the right things to say to you so you'll cave in and let it go. Until next time when it builds up in you and you're back to square one.

 

I am worried for you, that you're spending all this time and energy on someone that doesn't deserve it. I'm sure you're back to the rose coloured glasses for now but when will it be enough? When you walk in on them in bed together. I doubt anyone couldn't see that one coming.

 

You've put your trust in someone that doesn't show you that he's deserving of it. Apart from saying the right thing and putting those glasses back on you....

[LittleTiger]

What is he going to DO now? Everytime you have this conversation with him you're pacified by him being sweet and saying all the right things. It's all talk, nothing is fixed, not even close.

 

Whilst I agree with your post CE, you're making assumptions that 'nothing is fixed'. We don't know that yet. Perhaps they've agreed to talk some more when they're together and get things 'fixed' somehow.

 

If he takes no action at this point then, as far as I can tell from what HOH says, this pattern will continue ad infinitum until she decides to call it quits.......but I'm going to reserve judgement until after the visit. Hopefully HOH will let us know how it goes.

[Citizen Erased]

You're right, I was making assumptions. Based on HOH's last post, and well, their history, but still. I hope you're right LT, things need to change and it will be fantastic if they both can come to a place where they're both happy.

 

I'm sorry if I came across as harsh HOH, that wasn't my intention. It makes me mad thinking you could be getting jerked around, or that he's not treating you how he should, not putting you above people he should. These relationships are hard enough, you know. I hope you both work on things, to a point that you're both happy.

 

I will suggest that you think about what it is you want and need him to do, what you can live with and be happy with. And he needs to think of what he is willing to do, or give up, in order to make you happy. Ad hey, vice versa, his needs are important too. You both have awhile before you can have the distance end right? If things stay like they are, with this circle you guys seem to be going on, it will make things very hard for you both, even more so than it already will be.

[MidnightinMadrid]

HH,I agree with the other posters,you should bring this all out in the open.

It is not right that he's not only spending the w/ends with this ex,but allowing her to sleep in the same bed?? I know this has nothing to do with anything but am curious to know what country is he in,some people in latin countries,I know- since I am reeling over this South American have this I am still close to my ex wife carefree attitude,very close till it ends up in cheating.

he needs to respect your wishes,I would bring up the how would you enjoy it if I allow my ex to sleepover every weekend.

That in a way works,it obviously worked with my LDR relationship when his hag put her foot down because we were still in contact.

To me that was real petty knowing that he has other female friends also,so he says.

Howver your situation is definately a red flag there and not unreasonable for him to consider your feelings. let him know exactly how uncomfortable it makes you feel,that is only fair.

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks for all your input.

She stays over as she lives 1 1/2 hours from him and they like to hang out together and go and see bands.

They don't share a bed, they did after they split up for a while until he mentioned it to me and I said I wasn't happy with it, and he apologised for being selfish and thoughtless and told her she couldn't sleep in the same bed, it was because she has nightmares and he was too soft and caring to say no to her, but he told her she couldn't when I asked it to stop.

It was never a case of him cheating on me, but I was worried she was still emotionally dependent on him and still is to some extent. She seems to be emotionally manipulative as she cried when he told her to not sleep in the bed, and said 'are you fed up with me? He is way too soft with her, he knows it's not good for her to still be clingy with him and I've pointed that out to him, I will do again if nothing changes. She left him (twice) partly as she knew she was too dependent on him, but whether he will have the courage to say she needs to let go to some extent, I don't know. She has talked about moving 700 miles away, so I'm praying. They will always be friends, same as I will with my ex, I just don't spend as much time with him and nor do I want to.

He very much cares about my feelings but admits he is naive and thoughtless about things at times as he's never been in this situation before, he is emotionally immature in some ways and he knows it, his ex is worse in this respect. He is in no way a bad person but I can see how it might look like that, I'm old enough and wise enough through experience to know when someone is genuine, and he is the right person for me. Although there are no guarantees as me and my ex were the most solid couple possible and he still left, so I am cautious and not about to take any risks with someone I don't feel sure of.

He does live in a country which aren't so hung up about sleeping in beds with their friends, that's what he saw it as, he said she is like a sister to him now, but he was understanding about it when I said yes but she's not your sister, she's your ex. That was resolved months ago.

I feel I got what I wanted from talking to him about last night, more time with him at w/ends whether she is there or not, and to be heard about how I feel, and he was very concerned. If it it's still bugging me down the line then then I will ask him to see less of her and if he says no or is resentful then we won't work out. I didn't ask him to see less of her, I said I feel left out when she is there. I would feel petty asking him to see less of her just because I'm jealous that she is there instead of me, I want him to have company and be happy, but I also don't want to feel left out, he does always make a point of calling and texting when she is there but it wasn't enough for me, I miss talking online for a long time at w/ends.

I'm trying to remember it is only temporary anyway, as ultimately he will move to be with me.

Anyway, I just want to enjoy the next few days with him.

[Els]

I'm glad you guys had the talk. I hope you will watch this weekend and see if he makes any changes or not, though.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you I'll be with him tomorrow til Monday so his ex won't be in the equation, although if she did turn out to be there when I got there then I'd realise I've made a huge mistake

I will be seeing how things are the following w/end with his ex though.

 

I'm glad you guys had the talk. I hope you will watch this weekend and see if he makes any changes or not, though.

[LittleTiger]

Thank you I'll be with him tomorrow til Monday so his ex won't be in the equation, although if she did turn out to be there when I got there then I'd realise I've made a huge mistake

I will be seeing how things are the following w/end with his ex though.

 

Have fun HOH .

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you I'm stressed cos I've so much to do, so I'd better get on with it

 

 

Have fun HOH .

[aerogurl87]

Thank you I'll be with him tomorrow til Monday so his ex won't be in the equation, although if she did turn out to be there when I got there then I'd realise I've made a huge mistake

I will be seeing how things are the following w/end with his ex though.

 

Have fun on your trip. And I agree, look at how things go the next weekend with his ex. If there's no improvement and his actions don't match his words, then I'd start thinking of my future and comfort level in regards to having her always around as long as your LDR persists. Then figure out if you can deal with it and go from there.

[sammyd]

Have a great time!

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks both of you