He logs onto dating site? Why?

[Renee]

I would really like to hear from guys and girls, but esp. the guys. My boyfriend has a personal ad he logs into regularly. We have been together 1 year, started as good friends and study partners. He was going through a bad breakup and we got closer over time, then one day we slept together. His ex is very beautiful, but I am more plain, caring and quiet. They still see each other at school but do not talk. He doesn't date anyone else but just looks at womens ads. Do you think I am just a rebound? We get along really great, and he says he loves me, bought me a beautiful necklace for Valentine's Day and took me on a trip, but then he logged onto the dating site before and after our weekend away together. What do you guys think?

[Arabess]

I think he is enjoying your company while looking to see if he finds/meets someone else he likes more.

 

It doesn't mean he'll FIND someone else or that he is a player.....he simply isn't sure.

 

I wouldn't be planning my wedding, but you can still enjoy his company and know he may not feel as strongly about you as you do for him.

 

Have you talked to him about it?

[Dixiecron]

Arabess said it a little more gently than I will.

 

As a guy, I would say that you are his rebound. He's on that dating site looking for your replacement.

 

How do you know about his profile? Were you looking on that site to find guys yourself? Or did you have some suspicion beforehand that he was up to no good? How do you know that he doesn't date anyone else?

[Tony T]

He very well may be looking on the dating site out of curiosity and entertainment, although if he is actively participating in the site then it is more.

 

You need to talk to him about this. Your relationship can't survive unless you know exactly why he is logging onto a dating site while he professes great love for you. Be ready for him to be fairly pissed that you have invaded his privacy. You're in a no-win situation but you need your answer.

[Leikela]

If he was truly happy and totally devoted to you, he wouldn't be logging onto a dating website. That's just inappropriate. My guess is that you are the "filler", the "in-between" while he goes and looks for another woman.

 

Maybe you should talk to him about the site and ask him why he goes on it and see what he says?

[Cpunch75]

he could, just cooooould be checking to see if his ex is on the site.

 

other than that, i'd ask whats up

[Dixiecron]

Well, I don't need a profile with pictures and all that just to browse a site. But I do need pictures if I want to get a response from anyone...

 

Any way you cut it though, you have to talk to him.

[End of my rope]

I'm a member of an online dating site, Yahoo actually, and I'm being married this fall. I'm on there to see if anyone from my highschool is on there so I can call them and poke fun at them!

[Renee]

I knew about the ad before we started dating, because he told me. We were friends then, but I thought he would delete it after a while. He just thinks I'm sweet, trusting Asian girl who would never check on him, but I couldn't help myself. It is public to browse the ads and his always comes up easy because he logs on regular. So yes, we have been together 1 year, but he still logs on the rare times I am not around. He used to log on everyday but is really busy with school and me nowadays.

 

A part of me thinks, what if it really doesn't mean anything? But I am so afraid to ask, that it may scare him away. I am so in love. But if he really loves me like he says, I don't think he would think about a dumb personal ad. It would be abandoned. I guess he is not truly satisfied. He also doesn't introduce me to a lot of his friends. Keeps our relationship sort of private for the amount of time we've been dating. And whenever we see his ex on campus, he acts nervous and doesn't really look at me like we are girlfriend/boyfriend, like he does in private.

[Dixiecron]

I knew there was more to this story. If a person's boyfriend/girlfriend doesn't introduce them to their friends, -especially- after they've been together for a year, then something is very wrong, in my opinion. How he acts around his ex while in your presence makes me think that he in some way just wants to be with you so he can try to make her jealous so she'll try to get him back. Either way, it sounds like he's at the very least just using you or taking you for granted.

 

Definitely time to have a talk.

[Renee]

Thank you for honesty. Ok. he introduce me to his really tight guy friends, but him and ex share mutual friends and when there is a party where she is going to be, he rarely takes me, and when he does he seem uncomfortable, like frankenstein when he smiles, not like he is when we are alone. I know I sound stupid.

 

I don't want to accept he is rebound with me, esp. since we were friends for over 1 year before we got together. I think he loves me, but may not be in love with me. I think he likes my friendship and sex but still feels lonely and that's why he logs on to dating site, doesn't want to really cheat and hurt me. I still don't know what to do. He is gorgeous, smells so great and great lover. Maybe it could work if I don't make waves, maybe I will get his heart as he gets over past. Don't think so, huh?

[amerikajin]

>>> But if he really loves me like he says, I don't think he would think about a dumb personal ad. It would be abandoned. I guess he is not truly satisfied. He also doesn't introduce me to a lot of his friends. Keeps our relationship sort of private for the amount of time we've been dating. And whenever we see his ex on campus, he acts nervous and doesn't really look at me like we are girlfriend/boyfriend, like he does in private<<<

 

If this is true, then there's a problem. Always trust your instincts, Renee. You sense something is wrong, and from the looks of it I would agree. Of course your boyfriend won't react too well to knowing that you've been looking at his ad, but that's something you have to sort out for yourself. Do you want to resolve the issue or be satisfied knowing that while you're dating him he's putting himself on the market?

 

I think you're actually dead accurate in your survey of the situation. I think he probably likes you on one level but maybe expects something more out of a relationship...I don't know.

 

Can't really tell you what to do, except for one thing: don't fall in love with someone who doesn't love you back.

[Renee]

Thank you man in Japan.

I am learning about true love in this situation. I sold myself. I want a man who really like me as friend and I give him what he wants in sex and friendship hoping for marry. I think I almost push him to love me by being so perfect all the time and making him great dinner but it is not enogh. I begin to understand to have a man heart is a teritory of his own making. I cannot change my weight, hair to make him love me. There is a line to cross to open those eyes.

 

When I saw his ex first time I almost die. She have the most beautiful laugh I ever heard. It scare me. I could never laugh like that. It make me want to laugh. I can see why it is hard for him to get over. It was hard when we were friends and she 10x better in person than picture, the way she walk and big pretty brown eyes, great figur, lovelly smile and personality. I want to hate her, but rather I try to change myself to be more like her. Cant compete with her or internet. I am the Asian girl who want the white man with blond, blue like him. His ex is black girl. I never thought I want to be black girl, not in racast way, but I have wanted all that she has and she happen to be black. He messed it up and she will not take him back. I think he feel shame for that.

[jenniferlong00]

Renee, I know that this sounds a little deceitful, but have you ever thought of disguising yourself and responding to his ad?

[flsgirl]

My ex started using a multiple dating sites when we were still together. I discovered this and asked him about it. He claimed "he just liked to read peoples profiles." I felt really betrayed and logged on to one of them and found his profile and he claimed we was single.

 

This is just one case, but I would be weary about it. It could be he's looking for something else, just prepare and be aware of it. Good luck

[Renee]

I just read my message from last night, boy was I feeling sorry for myself. The whole situation make me feel totally insecure.

 

No, didn't try to pose by answering his ad. I have thought about it tho.

 

We are going out tomorrow night and I'm going to say, I know you still have a personal ad from when you were looking. Are you still looking? If not, would you mind deleting it? Then I hold my breath. It could be entertainment for his ego, but log on 4x a week for ego boost when he has me? They are not even naked, so why waste his time if he love me?

[Dixiecron]

Renee,

 

Do yourself a favor and don't ask that question while you are out in public at dinner, or wherever you're going. Do it in private, either before or after you go out.

 

It is -really- uncool for someone to spring that kind of thing on their SO when they think they are out for a pleasant evening. Yet another reason why I have no desire at this point to get back with my ex. Lack of a sense of decorum. I don't know any guy that wants to have a serious discussion about the relationship when there are a dozen people at tables around him listening in...

[Renee]

hahahaha... ok D.

I take your advice!

[Arabess]

'Thank you man in Japan'???? THAT was funny! I'm sure Amer will smile!

 

You are setting yourself up for failure Renee. Love is never found in the waiting game.

 

Have you ever wondered how he would respond if you didn't WAIT? What if you told him you had feelings for him which he could not return...therefore you were moving on. Maybe he would see you in a different light and take you less for granted.

[Renee]

Arabess sounds like wise words. I must have courage if he is not hte right one. I'm will talk to him at home tonight. Then I will know. I will be scared, but that he has personal ad is disrespectul to our relationship, if that's what we have. We sure do have a relationship when he needs help with calculus and a blo job.

[Renee]

We spoke about his ad. I told him I looked it up recently out of curiosty. Of course he said he didn't remember when the last time was he logged on, even though I know it was a few days ago and has never stopped. He seemed uncomfortable then said that I was checking on him was a turn off and the ad was entertainment, he hadn't done anything, just looked. I apologize and said that I would have more comfort if he would erase it for respect to our relationshp. He said he would but it's still up.

[Helluvagurl]

If he is in a relationship with you and is serious about you he has no right to be on a dating site! Why are you tolerating such awful behavior?

 

What kind of guy is with someone and goes on dating sites? c,mon let's be real here.

 

There is more going on here!

[Renee]

The kind of guy who isn't satisfied with me. Why do they say they love you if they are not committed or need to keep looking I don't know. We were friends to long for him to be dishonest now that we date. His ad is still up 4 days after our talk. I saw him last night but did not mention it again and it was weird. If he don't delete it by April 5, gives him the weekend to take care of it, it is over. maybe we can just be friends again.

[SoleMate]

He's looking for other women.

 

Boy, that was an easy question.

[JustHot]

I agree with arabess. He may be a nice guy, but isn't satisfied with something in the relationship. I had a similar type of thing with a guy I loved a few years ago. We were friends, but I was manipulative because I NEVER wanted just a friendship since the day we met, even though I acted uncomplicated and accommodating like a friend. He was so charismatic that I loved his company and took whatever I could get. He had also ended a heavy relationship a short time before we met.

 

I was hoping he would one day become interested, and he did, but I can look back now and say it was mostly about curiosity, companionship, and sex for him. He was still looking for something, perhaps someone similar to his ex. I could sense it. We shared a chemistry in our friendship, but our relationship was more like a sweet fondness mixed with lust on his part, even though I was in love. It started hot and got real dull somewhere in the middle.

 

When a man's loving you, he wouldn't bother logging onto a dating site because his emotional AND physical needs are met. If he's not dating anyone other than you, his logging on is even stranger. Entertainment? If he's getting laid good, highly unlikely if there's no nudity. So if he's not dating anyone else, it shows he's desiring someone else, but trying to do the right thing by you, so uses that dating site as some kind of charge for what's missing. Really quite pathetic, actually.

 

Don't wait. Nothing will change until he decides, which won't be in your favor. That you were a friend first makes it convenient for him to stay on the fence, and your chances are better for the future if you make the first move.

 

Guys who go through hard breakups are commonly commitment-phobic until they reach a different level. You say he's going to school, right? Trust that's what he's mainly focused on, and that you are a filler until he feels ready for someone who will demand more from him or meets someone who blows him away.

 

Sorry, but hope that helps. Good luck.

Rachel