I feel like a creep, talking to wife about 3some

[Urgie]

Hello all,

 

I have the common fantasy of wanting my wife to be with another man. A piggybacked fantasy is to sit in a bar and watch her on the other side of the bar being picked up, flattered, complimented, seduced, and then if all the cards are in order, led out the door to the car or something. Later on I would like to hear all the details. This doesn't say that i am apposed to being involved, i would love to do that also.

 

We are together over 10yrs, relationship is stronger than ever. 2 Beautiful kids and there is no question that i love her .. and i know i can satisfy her myself. But for many years now i am having this strong fantasy of her being with another guy!

 

We have talked about it, there was a time when i was a bit aggressive and tried pushing her into it. At the VERY last second she backed out. I mean as "very last second" as you can possibly imagine!!! I dropped it completely for some years since it obviously wasn't on her to-do list and i would rather not make her do something she doesn't want.

 

But recently we have been getting pretty hot&heavy with the role-playing in the bedroom, including "life like" toys and a whole lot of talking (get my drift?). Needless to say it has peeked my monster once again. And in the bedroom she is all about it ... id like to repeat some of the things she says, but i am new here and don't know the forum rules.

 

We talked about it on a serious note the other day, not so much about if she will/wont do it, but just why i fantasize about it, what types of situations i would fantasize about, and that i am sorry for having a weird one and not just being normal.

 

She told me it does not gross her out, but says she just doesn't understand the whole thing? If i love her, how can i imagine her being with another man? As a straight man, how can i want to see my woman being shared?

 

I honestly cannot answer. But just typing it out has me all hot, sad to say.

 

The best answer i can come up with is that we are in love, and we love being intimate together. If we were to play this out it would be strictly sex with no emotions attached. I wouldnt be jealous because i understand it is just physical, and in case i am jealous we would just chalk it up to things we have tried and didn't like (plenty of those already)

 

I have heard all of the typical replies saying how she should leave me right away, we should go get counseling, im no "man", im a "whimp" etc. And to be honest, i cant help but start to believe them because i cannot explain my thoughts to either her, or myself!

 

 

PS, We will be reading replies together so please be nice .. no pervs like "yo ill do yer wife send her over hereeee!!" haha. We are just looking for some honest feedback, without being judged. This is obviously not a topic for friends or family

 

Thank you

Urgie (and Mrs Urgie)

[tinktronik]

Have you considered that your fantasy may be a simple validation to yourself that others want what you have? A competitive ego boost. Not a good situation to put your wife in. If she has any question at all that this is what she wants you need to let it alone.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

This has been in a number of threads recently and generally you will find almost no perv's here.... Actually you'll find a fairly balanced levelheaded responses. As for me I don't get it and think this whole cuckold fantasy very unusual.

 

I also do not understand "open relationships/polamory" at all.

 

Now I'd suggest swinging, which again I do not agree with, but at least have an understanding about.

 

I think you are really downplaying the affect jealousy may play and how it affects you going forward. What if your wife goes ahead, its no good and there is no story? Do you then push her to try it again and again until she finds someone who really does it for her, in ways you can't? Someone bigger, better looking, more skilled and who wants her more often then one night? How does she react when you two argue or things not clicking? Would you then be scared she'll run off?

 

Sorry my mind wonders and I think the worst. But again to each his own.....

[TigerCub]

Hey

 

I don't think that you're so bad your wife should leave you.

You have a fantasy, what's wrong with that?

I'm sure that you're not the first guy that's had that fantasy.

 

But here's the thing, if you wife isn't sure about doing it, she shouldn't do it and you shouldn't push for it. Because if she does it to make you happy, she may resent you afterwards.

 

As for you, are you really sure that its something you'd want to see?

Do you really want to see some guy doing the same moves on your W as you? - or even worse - what if he's better than you? Do you really want to witness that?

 

I'm so not judging the fantasy, but telling you both to be very careful before doing it - make sure that you both can really handle it.

 

I personally wouldn't do a threesome with someone I cared about, in a 3some situation, I would prefer to be the 3rd party, and not a part of a couple, because I KNOW myself, and I know that I wouldn't want to see someone I love with another woman....but that's just me.

 

Let us know how it all turns out

[Krytie TV]

I have the common fantasy of wanting my wife to be with another man.

All I can offer if that you need to consider the possibility that this is not such a common fantasy. Don't feel like every man has this fantasy. In fact, I would wager it is a small minority who fantasize about this.

[TigerCub]

wanted to add:

 

You did mention that you just wanted to hear about her adventures and not really see them - so couldn't she just humor you by going to a bar and taking off and coming back with a story? Since you're not seeing it & its all depending on your imaginations to visualize things - couldn't that be 1 solution?

[Urgie]

I don't get it and think this whole cuckold fantasy very unusual.

I dont want to be humiliated, or put down in any way. I think that is usually the Cuck thing

 

or even worse - what if he's better than you? Do you really want to witness that?

Yes, id like to see that

It would turn me on to see my wife getting pleased so much that it isnt even possible with me ... providing i can also feel like the entire situation is only possible BECAUSE of me. (a.k.a i set it up, helped pick a guy, allowed it to happen, etc)

 

And for your other comment, that would be an issue with her. I have made it very clear that i had no interest in trying to also be with a woman, which i dont, because i know it would never sit right with her.

 

All I can offer if that you need to consider the possibility that this is not such a common fantasy. Don't feel like every man has this fantasy. In fact, I would wager it is a small minority who fantasize about this.

I have done one hell of an extensive study over the last many years, and I am finding it is more and more popular.

 

It might not be all men that have this fantasy, but there is a growing number of men, regardless of the reason. From what i am seeing anyhow

[30Years]

Many years ago I would have thought you were a pervert, but I've since come to learn that there are so many different flavors of sexual desires out there that there is no NORMAL. Or maybe I should say, what is considered normal usually means boring.

 

Regardless, the fact that you and your wife can discuss such an unusual scenario sounds like a very strong and vibrant relationship. Moreover, it sounds like you two can accept the fact that sex and love are two completely different things.

 

All I can say is, discuss it thoroughly and be careful.

[Urgie]

wanted to add:

 

You did mention that you just wanted to hear about her adventures and not really see them - so couldn't she just humor you by going to a bar and taking off and coming back with a story? Since you're not seeing it & its all depending on your imaginations to visualize things - couldn't that be 1 solution?

 

yes that would be hot!

 

Would be better to take it a step further and actually do the first half (sit at bar, accept a drink, giggle, *maybe* light kissing or whatever she would be up for ... then go disappear. Returning with a made up story ... which i will have to wonder if it is made up, or real

[Urgie]

Regardless, the fact that you and your wife can discuss such an unusual scenario sounds like a very strong and vibrant relationship. Moreover, it sounds like you two can accept the fact that sex and love are two completely different things.

 

Well i said that I can offer that as an explanation. Didn't say she would understand it HA!

 

Women are a different animal altogether, in my experience. I think she may have a hard time separating love and sex .. which might be what the entire issue is, for her.

[TigerCub]

yes that would be hot!

 

Would be better to take it a step further and actually do the first half (sit at bar, accept a drink, giggle, *maybe* light kissing or whatever she would be up for ... then go disappear. Returning with a made up story ... which i will have to wonder if it is made up, or real

 

There ya go!

If she's cool with doing the first 1/2 ... that would be 1 way of fulfilling your fantasy.

[xxoo]

Women are a different animal altogether, in my experience. I think she may have a hard time separating love and sex .. which might be what the entire issue is, for her.

 

I think you might be right. Also, I see that as the real risk--rather than finding someone who is bigger, better looking, more skilled....that she will connect with one of these "flings" on an emotional level and want more. We women are easier led away by our hearts than our groins....

 

Urgie, why do you need to make this fantasy reality? I agree with pp that, just by being able to share the fantasy together, alone, you are WAY ahead of most couples My H and I are like that....anything and everything is ok to explore as long as, in reality, it is just the two of us. For me, it is a whole different ball of wax shifting it to reality and including others. Also, I suspect the fantasy is often better than the reality. You can control the fantasy, and tailor it to your moment-by-moment hottest desire, whereas reality has a lot of uncontrolled elements that can be a buzzkill.....

[whichwayisup]

On paper, everything looks good.. But, once emotions are felt and it becomes "real", everything changes, as you found out last time.

 

Don't push her into this, she sees as it as fantasy and that's it and you don't. You want it to become a reality.

 

The compromise is, try watching other couples. Then go home and be with your wife and have hot sex. I'm sure if you googled it, voyerism (spellin?) groups are in your city.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I dont want to be humiliated, or put down in any way. I think that is usually the Cuck thing

 

 

Yes, id like to see that

It would turn me on to see my wife getting pleased so much that it isnt even possible with me ... providing i can also feel like the entire situation is only possible BECAUSE of me. (a.k.a i set it up, helped pick a guy, allowed it to happen, etc)

 

And for your other comment, that would be an issue with her. I have made it very clear that i had no interest in trying to also be with a woman, which i dont, because i know it would never sit right with her.

 

I think wanting your wife to sleep with others and then hear about it is a cuckold thing (my narrow definition). I consider it humiliating that she wants sex with someone else, that you do not satisfy her and then want to hear all about it. Sorry for being blunt.

 

Then to say you want to see her pleased to an extent you can't with her is something you want. Sorry that would be too much for me.....

 

Look I said in another thread my wife had much much more experience and partners then me and I don't think about it and never want to think any one brought her to such sexual highs that I can't (whether true or not, just something I do not want to think of or know)......

Edited February 8, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Urgie]

I think wanting your wife to sleep with others and then hear about it is a cuckold thing (my narrow definition). I consider it humiliating that she wants sex with someone else, that you do not satisfy her and then want to hear all about it. Sorry for being blunt.

 

Then to say you want to see her pleased to an extent you can't with her is something you want. Sorry that would be too much for me.....

 

Look I said in another thread my wife had much much more experience and partners then me and I don't think about it and never want to think any one brought her to such sexual highs that I can't (whether true or not, just something I do not want to think of or know)......

 

Yes i see your point. I think I have a different perspective.

 

While i know i satisfy her, and dont leave her longing for anything, i know i am by far not the best in the world. Penis isnt small by any means, but its no 9"er, im typically completely spent after just 1 go ... which may only last about 15min, etc. All of which are completely adequate for her, and i dont feel any shame either. We keep each other very happy.

 

BUT, ill add this bit of clarification to my fantasy ... if you toss a bag over her head and let me watch some guy doing her, that does zero for me. The fantasy is watching her enjoy it, enjoy herself, enjoy the moment ... climax, orgasm, etc. And then after, come to me and do it all over again, as a way of saying Thanks for letting it happen.

 

So i dont fit the stereotypical guy in my shoes that is looking for someone to roll up with a HUGE tool, because i feel mine is small. Or give her multiple orgasms, because i cant. Or fill some other subconscious inadequacy ... i truthfully, honestly, just get off on thinking of her being pleased/satisfied by another man, and enjoying it.

 

And to clarify my opinion of Cuckold, i believe it to be humiliation like "wow he is doing me like you never could" or "why cant you have a **** this big" etc. While i don't necessarily mind if he is bigger, or better, it is not a matter or filling a void that i may have. And nobody better insult me like that lol. I just want to be able to SEE the pleasure on her face, hear it in her moans, etc.

[Trimmer]

The best answer i can come up with is that we are in love, and we love being intimate together. If we were to play this out it would be strictly sex with no emotions attached. I wouldnt be jealous because i understand it is just physical....

I think I hear you stating that it would be strictly sex with no emotions attached. I hope you are having an honest and open discussion to the degree that she can tell you whether she really believes, in her heart, that it would be that way, or whether, as with the rest of this fantasy, she is just agreeing with what you are proposing.

 

Men are notoriously inaccurate about predicting what a woman's emotional reaction will be to a given situation, especially involving sex. If your wife is not truly, 100% bought-in to this idea, I would be extremely careful thinking that you can predict the emotional outcome for her.

 

yes that would be hot!

 

Would be better to take it a step further and actually do the first half (sit at bar, accept a drink, giggle, *maybe* light kissing or whatever she would be up for ... then go disappear. Returning with a made up story ... which i will have to wonder if it is made up, or real

I think that part of what makes this a spicy fantasy is the element of risk, and the validation it will bring that your wife comes back to you after an encounter. I think you would find it "hot", but I bet you would still be aching to take it to the next level.

 

Edited to Add:

Women are a different animal altogether, in my experience. I think she may have a hard time separating love and sex .. which might be what the entire issue is, for her.

Oh, I missed that you said this, which is the whole premise of my first point above, i.e. it will be near-impossible for you to predict what her emotional response will be with any confidence.

Edited February 8, 2011 by Trimmer

[Urgie]

For the record i would also take great pleasure in seeing her with another woman.

 

It is not for the usual "omg i had a 3some! High-Five!" reasons either.

 

I really truly want to watch my wife giving and receiving massive amounts of pleasure. I want her to open up sexually, and feel free to explore it with me.

 

I know her well enough to know this will NEVERRRRRR happen. 1. because she is very self-consious and wouldnt want me to be seeing another naked woman in the room, for fear of me showing interest in her. 2. Because she is very straight, i think going down on another woman would gross her out.

 

But if she wanted to, and tossed out rules like i have to lock myself in a closet, or it can be recorded and i can view it later, but not be there ... id be all about it hehe.

[whichwayisup]

I do have to ask, let's say "it" happens and it works out, everybody is happy.. Let's also say that now YOU want HER to watch you have sex with another woman. Do you believe she would be alright with that? Would she go along with it to please you, even though inside it would KILL her to see you bang another woman? Is she interested in having sex with another woman?

 

Fantasy is fantasy, but when fantasy becomes reality a whole new ball game it becomes.

[Urgie]

I do have to ask, let's say "it" happens and it works out, everybody is happy.. Let's also say that now YOU want HER to watch you have sex with another woman. Do you believe she would be alright with that? Would she go along with it to please you, even though inside it would KILL her to see you bang another woman? Is she interested in having sex with another woman?

 

Fantasy is fantasy, but when fantasy becomes reality a whole new ball game it becomes.

 

The answer is a big, bolded, highlighted, "NO"

 

She is the opposite of me, and would be extremely jealous and self-conscious. I would not even dare to put her anywhere near that position.

 

I wouldnt suggest it, or even agree to it if she suggested it haha

[30Years]

I consider it humiliating that she wants sex with someone else, that you do not satisfy her and then want to hear all about it. Sorry for being blunt.

 

You'd better wake up and smell the coffee! There's not a human in this world that doesn't, at some point, desire sex with a person other than their SO. We don't all act on it, but we all want it.

[30Years]

mmmmmmmm sounds fun. Would you have a chat with my husband.

 

LMAO! I just LOVE honest people!

[whichwayisup]

The answer is a big, bolded, highlighted, "NO"

 

She is the opposite of me, and would be extremely jealous and self-conscious. I would not even dare to put her anywhere near that position.

 

I wouldnt suggest it, or even agree to it if she suggested it haha

 

But, can you guarantee that down the line your feelings will change and want to have sex with another woman? OR atleast be involved in a 3-some with her and another woman? You know yourself best, but from what I've read about this type of stuff and also having a friend who experienced certain things with her partner, again, it all looks good on paper but once a reality, all bets are off. Just make sure there are rules and boundries. And, IF it happens once, and she never wants to do it again, be HAPPY that you experienced it once and let it go.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You'd better wake up and smell the coffee! There's not a human in this world that doesn't, at some point, desire sex with a person other than their SO. We don't all act on it, but we all want it.

 

No.... My wife only wants me and I'm 100% sure about that;)..... Really waht does that have to do with the post. I was responding to the OP and what the result of his fantasy could be and all the ways it could go wrong.....

 

Personally I know as per OP's other thread, my wife does not fantasize (and if so, very very little).

[Lauriebell82]

Maybe I'm just naive, but I don't think there is such a thing as sex without emotions. Honestly, I am with your wife in the fact that I don't quite understand how a husband could want his wife to be with another man. I'm not judging, it's just something I don't get either.

 

That being said, if your wife is all for it then go for it. HOWEVER, I would have to caution you about the potential (negative) consequences of this act. As WWIU pointed out, this could look good in theory, but it could possibly have lasting effects on both you/your wife and your marriage. If you are prepared for this, then by all means, feel free. I can't help but think that if your wife would be jealous and self-conscious of you being with another woman, she isn't going to like being with another man. That's just my take on it.

[30Years]

No.... My wife only wants me and I'm 100% sure about that;)..... Really waht does that have to do with the post. I was responding to the OP and what the result of his fantasy could be and all the ways it could go wrong.....

 

Personally I know as per OP's other thread, my wife does not fantasize (and if so, very very little).

 

Your first sentence and you last six words contradict each other, so you might wish to clarify. Nevertheless, knowing another person's thoughts with 100% certainty is wishful thinking.

 

What my comment has to do with the post is to point out that her desire for sex with others is normal, and the husband's ability to accept and discuss those desires exemplifies a high degree of self-esteem.