I feel like a creep, talking to wife about 3some

[AVR1962]

My first husband tried to convince me to be part of a 3-some. His fantasies didn't stop with me, could not keep his hands off other women, we divorced. He married again, tried the same with second wife and she divorced him too.

[LittleTiger]

I have a great relationship and a great sex life (sorry TDP, but I do ).

 

We talk about our fantasies, much as xxoo has described, and I know that my man would be very turned on by watching me 'being pleasured' by another man (or woman). I have a very responsive body and he's always joking that he doesn't 'have enough hands'.

 

Your fantasy Urgie is similar to what he talks about but he would definitely want to watch and probably take part - the more hands on me the better in his mind. He likes the idea of watching me in the throws of 'ecstacy' - I find it hot that this thought turns him on.

 

However, it's a fantasy, and that's all it's ever going to be for both of us. In reality, he has no interest in a threesome of any sort and I don't want another man or woman touching me. I don't want another person there in our intimate moments and I certainly don't want to risk what we have.

 

I don't need our little fantasies to become reality and neither does he - it's just one of the many ways we like to tease each other. I'm actually quite a prude when it comes to physical contact outside an intimate relationship (apart from hugging my family or close friends) - I have a large 'personal space' bubble. So to imagine the fantasy as a reality actually makes me squirm.

 

Whether you decide to act on this fantasy or not I would make sure you've considered every possible scenario and outcome for both of you before you do anything. I suspect that if your wife backed out 'at the last possible second' in the past, she may be little like me and will never be comfortable with the idea.

 

While talking about this doesn't make you a creep, any kind of coercion does - so tread carefully.

[packers393]

That is kind of ****ed up, you tried pushing your wife into having sex with another man, to live your fantasy...wtf.

[Urgie]

While talking about this doesn't make you a creep, any kind of coercion does - so tread carefully.

 

Absolutely agreed. I wouldn't try to push, or coerce in any way. I even dropped it for a number of years, until it snuck back up on us.

 

I wouldn't even be posting here, if i wasn't getting some minor glimmer of mixed signals from her.

 

I think i will let it lie as is for now, and if the dirty talk, toy play (a.k.a mixed signals) dont stop i will have to have another discussion with her. I will suggest either we find a way to progress with this as slow or fast as she is comfortable, or we drop it because i cant keep my mind off of it

 

I guess i can also suggest we can book a trip to Hedo or maybe a party or something, where we would be allowed to be as hands-on or hands-off as we can handle

 

She is my wife and i love her with all my heart, i wouldnt want to push her or risk hurting her emotionally so i wont push, but it will get to a point where ill have to just ask her to stop with that specific dirty talk, for both our sakes haha

 

EDIT, I have to think at least i am open with her, and completely transparent. Also i am considering her feelings! I have to imagine some guys would just get her tanked, and have another guy waiting in the hallway (which would be hot, but that would be like tricking her, i wouldnt do that)

 

EDIT EDIT, hmm what if i tell her in advance "I plan to get you tanked, and have a guy waiting in the hallway" haha im just kidding .. but imagine?

Edited February 9, 2011 by Urgie

[Lauriebell82]

I think i will let it lie as is for now, and if the dirty talk, toy play (a.k.a mixed signals) dont stop i will have to have another discussion with her. I will suggest either we find a way to progress with this as slow or fast as she is comfortable, or we drop it because i cant keep my mind off of it

 

She is my wife and i love her with all my heart, i wouldnt want to push her or risk hurting her emotionally so i wont push, but it will get to a point where ill have to just ask her to stop with that specific dirty talk, for both our sakes haha

 

EDIT, I have to think at least i am open with her, and completely transparent. Also i am considering her feelings! I have to imagine some guys would just get her tanked, and have another guy waiting in the hallway (which would be hot, but that would be like tricking her, i wouldnt do that)

 

EDIT EDIT, hmm what if i tell her in advance "I plan to get you tanked, and have a guy waiting in the hallway" haha im just kidding .. but imagine?

 

I'm curious, did this fantasy exist before you two got married? Was it talked about before then? I guess my confusion is that you can't really tell her what she can or can't do in bed ("don't talk dirty anymore, it teases me") because GENERALLY marriage is supposed to mean you are committing yourself to be faithful to your spouse and them ONLY, not to have a threesome. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I just feel like you are trying to expect that this should happen, regardless of whether you are pressuring her or not.

 

I think you need to throw the ball in her court. This is YOUR fantasy, not her's. So you need to make sure she is 1000% comfortable with this before it happens. Continued "discussions" will probably not help, no matter how coercive you are or aren't.

 

The bottom line is, can you live the rest of your life with being sexual with only her and never having a threesome, ever?

[Urgie]

The bottom line is, can you live the rest of your life with being sexual with only her and never having a threesome, ever?

 

Of course! And to answer your question, yes it existed before marraige.

 

In terms of asking her not to talk about those things in bed, i think that is not too much to ask. She can still talk dirty, just have to leave that little fantasy out of it if we have no intention of following through. It is making it very difficult for me to not think about it.

 

If every single night my wife calls me at work and says "hurry home i have made you a juicy steak, delicious veggies, and i poured an ice cold beer for you" BUT when i get home she says "ahh i was kidding, you know that ... here i warmed up some leftovers"

 

WTF? Eventually ill want that damn steak, she talks about it every night! She makes it sound so juicy and tender, seasoned perfectly .. but i never get to eat it!

 

See what i mean? At some point ill have to ask her, please cook me the steak, or lets stop talking about it

 

Is that really out of line?

[xxoo]

Absolutely agreed. I wouldn't try to push, or coerce in any way. I even dropped it for a number of years, until it snuck back up on us.

 

I wouldn't even be posting here, if i wasn't getting some minor glimmer of mixed signals from her.

 

I think i will let it lie as is for now, and if the dirty talk, toy play (a.k.a mixed signals) dont stop i will have to have another discussion with her. I will suggest either we find a way to progress with this as slow or fast as she is comfortable, or we drop it because i cant keep my mind off of it

 

I guess i can also suggest we can book a trip to Hedo or maybe a party or something, where we would be allowed to be as hands-on or hands-off as we can handle

 

She is my wife and i love her with all my heart, i wouldnt want to push her or risk hurting her emotionally so i wont push, but it will get to a point where ill have to just ask her to stop with that specific dirty talk, for both our sakes haha

 

EDIT, I have to think at least i am open with her, and completely transparent. Also i am considering her feelings! I have to imagine some guys would just get her tanked, and have another guy waiting in the hallway (which would be hot, but that would be like tricking her, i wouldnt do that)

 

EDIT EDIT, hmm what if i tell her in advance "I plan to get you tanked, and have a guy waiting in the hallway" haha im just kidding .. but imagine?

 

Your comment about "mixed signals" is interesting. I do think you should assume all play to be fantasy only unless she gives a green light when she is completely sober and unaroused. She would have to live with her actions after the fact, in the cold, hard light of day.

 

By all means, tell her if the fantasy is too much for you to handle. She probably thinks you really enjoy the fantasy, and is indulging you without realizing that it is actually torturing you.

 

The "get her tanked" comments--no, I do not think ANY loving husbands would get their wives "tanked" so that they would engage in sexual acts that they know are upsetting to them sober. That's messed up

[LittleTiger]

We talk about our fantasies, much as xxoo has described, and I know that my man would be very turned on by watching me 'being pleasured' by another man (or woman). I have a very responsive body and he's always joking that he doesn't 'have enough hands'.

 

Your fantasy Urgie is similar to what he talks about but he would definitely want to watch and probably take part - the more hands on me the better in his mind. He likes the idea of watching me in the throws of 'ecstacy' - I find it hot that this thought turns him on.

 

This is really just a correction to my own post but it illustrates how easily things can be misunderstood when discussing sexual fantasies and I thought it was worth mentioning.

 

We've often shared this fantasy as I described but only in the context of 'having more hands' ie no gender was ever specified. It turns out after one of our regular 'what's happening on LS' chats that his fantasy is me being pleasured by another woman - not a man - and he has no interest in her sexually, she would just be an extra mouth and a pair of hands (Santa's little helper ). He said the idea of another man getting his 'mucky paws' on me is not something he wants to think about let alone bring into a fantasy. I was amazed.

 

It made me realise how important it is to be explicit when discussing fantasies, especially if you are hoping or planning to make them a reality.

 

So whatever you do Urgie, if your wife agrees (without pressure) to indulge your fantasy in some way, make sure she understands exactly what it entails. Any misundertanding during or afterwards could be disastrous for your marriage.

[Urgie]

We had some brief discussion about this today

 

TXT MSG CONVO

me: how about a construction worker? Doesnt every woman have that fantasy?

 

her: I dont know

 

me: well there must be something! And if you dont share with me, its making me feel creepy about sharing mine with you

 

her: I really dont have any, i think its because of my lack of experience (only 2 guys in life)

 

me: Maybe its time we broaden your experience?

her: Like what?

me: You tell me! Im down for literally anything, as long as it is first talked out and done respectfully and consensually

 

me: Sooooo many possibilities, just tell me what youd like to try and we can talk it out. If we dont like it we try something else. It cant hurt us, we are too much in love

 

me:

her: why sad face?

me: why no reply?

her: was busy ill call you in a bit

 

PHONE CALL LATER

me: So you never replied to me earlier

her: i know, i really dont know what id like to try

me: thats why i was asking about your fantasy, might give us an idea of what you may want to try

 

her: are you bored with our sex?

me: absolutely not! We have great sex and you know that

her: i was just asking. I just dont understand, how can we be intimate with someone else, but we are married?

 

me: Well there would have to be a line drawn. Obviously no feelings would be involved, it would be just straight sex, recreational, fun, whatever you want to call it. But it is definitely NOT love making

 

me: Listen you obviously have some reservations. If this is out of the question just give the word and ill drop it completely! But if its something you may consider, we should have a discussion about circumstances, conditions, etc. Whenever you feel comfortable.

 

her: but in the bedroom when i take the dildo from behind and tell you how much i love to be ****ed while i suck you, why isnt that enough for you?

 

me: it is great, and definitely enough. But i have always wanted to explore the real situation and i think we are strong enough to handle it. Thats why im asking .. but again, if its something you arent open to, let me know!

 

me: but listen if you are open to try this on some level we really need to find a better way to talk about it. I dont want to feel like im pushing or pressuring. Either your with me 100% or we dont do it

 

her: well i have to pick up the kids from school we can talk more about it later

 

JESUS! All im looking for is:

a. No i dont want to try this, drop it

or

b. Well i might be, lets discuss it a little more

 

From what i've read on the 100's of sites ive visited, the next thing everybody will suggest is "now go home and dont bring it up, see if she does"

 

Which is what ill do, but she wont bring it up, and it will eat at me.

[Lauriebell82]

We had some brief discussion about this today

 

TXT MSG CONVO

 

 

PHONE CALL LATER

 

 

JESUS! All im looking for is:

a. No i dont want to try this, drop it

or

b. Well i might be, lets discuss it a little more

 

From what i've read on the 100's of sites ive visited, the next thing everybody will suggest is "now go home and dont bring it up, see if she does"

 

Which is what ill do, but she wont bring it up, and it will eat at me.

 

She doesn't want to do it. I think she is being rather passive agressive about it, maybe she thinks you will get upset or something if she is more blunt about it.

 

The bottom line is that she isn't interested. Stop analyzing your conversations or looking for hidden meaning in her words. If you can't handle the dirty talk then tell her you would rather not do that. And that drop it completely and forever.

[Nightsky]

She obviously doesn’t want to do it. She just wants to make you happy.

 

Realize that most women your wife probably included would feel as if they were being pimped out. Seriously, she could get pregnant, an STI, or just attacked by random guy in a bar.

 

Some random hook up just for the sake of hooking up seems mostly dirty. Sure there is a perverse thrill to it but actually going through with it may be disrespectful to herself.

Edited February 10, 2011 by Nightsky

[LittleTiger]

Urgie, you need to quit pushing her - right now!

 

She doesn't want to do it and she doesn't know how to tell you that she doesn't want to do it.

 

She's feeling inadequate and is worrying that your sex life isn't enough for you. You are the one who's being passive aggressive, not her. She asked if the dildo scenario wasn't enough for you and you said 'yes it was'. That's not true is it? You told her it was enough and then you continued to push for 'the real thing'.

 

She tries to sidestep your questions because she doesn't want to talk about it. She doesn't want to talk about it because she doesn't want to do it.

 

She shouldn't have to spell it out for you - she's telling you loud and clear and you're not listening. This is what she said "I just dont understand, how can we be intimate with someone else, but we are married?"

 

Translation: " I don't understand, why are we having this conversation? I thought we had a good sex life. I married you because I love you and I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I want us to stay faithful to each other, otherwise what's the point of our marriage. If we're intimate with someone else our marriage means nothing."

 

Is that clear enough? If you want to stay married you need to drop it!

Edited February 10, 2011 by LittleTiger

[xxoo]

PP's have covered the main points....but in case you need another woman interpreting for you--

 

She doesn't want to do it. Stop pushing her.

[30Years]

Urgie,

 

Honestly, the others are correct. You need to back off. If your wife were to go ahead with this in hopes of pleasing you, the ramifications could be catastrophic.

 

If you truly love her, sacrifice your urges and give her some space. If she really wants it, she will let you know.

[Urgie]

Ok I don't exactly agree with the assessment that she is that deadset against it, BUT I really do love her and wouldn't risk that for anything.

 

I took it as she might just not understand it fully, or maybe needs to just hear how it might playout. I mean how many women would respond with happiness? Its a strange fantasy and requires talking and considering.

 

But I do understand I am probably translating it for my own stubborn benefit.

 

I will trust that I am likely thinking with the wrong head, and I will drop it and let it die.

 

I appreciate the feedback everyone, thanks for helping me

[MarriedGuyNTennessee]

Urgie, I agree with the others who say you are pushing her too hard.

 

Look at it this way. You have given her the choice of either making the fantasy a reality or dropping it completley. Your wife is being hesitant to tell you flat out no because she is conflicted. She is not going to say yes. This is so far out of her comfort zone that she can't even talk about it in terms of really happening. Yet it sounds as if she is comfortable and finds the roleplay FANTASY enjoyable. She won't say yes but is relunctant to say flat out "NO" because she loses the fantasy roleplay element that she is enjoying. Demanding all or nothing unfairly places her in a no win situation.

 

Do you surf alot of porn on the internet? If so, steer clear of the cuckold/threesome/hotwife/and cheating wife varieties as these are driving your unrealistic expectations with your wife.

Edited February 11, 2011 by MarriedGuyNTennessee

[Lauriebell82]

But I do understand I am probably translating it for my own stubborn benefit.

 

Yes, this is the case. You are hearing what you want to hear, not what she is ACTUALLY saying. It's understandable, as this is something you want and if you accept the fact that she is saying a firm "no, never" then the fantasy has to die and be gone completely. That's probably tough to swallow.

 

You are correct that you need to drop this. If she ever brings it up in the sense that she is actually WILLING to make the fantasy a reality, then talk about it. But right now you need to drop it completely or risk serious ramifications on your marriage. Good luck!

[You Go Girl]

I'm going to be slightly more harsh, all in hopes of getting you to see the light here.

 

Your wife is letting you know that she will no longer think you are on the same page as to how the monogamy of your marriage is an essential element of it. A frickin' dealbreaker.

 

If she thinks that you are pushing for another person in your bed--she will lose confidence and trust, and that's where you are taking her.

 

She does not view this in the light you do, nor will she ever.

 

You risk losing your marriage.

 

Your fantasy is not her reality. It is not even her fantasy--it is your fantasy. To her, it might mean absolutely nothing--meaning--she role plays this solely for your benefit.

Stop being so selfish. Ok, I said it, mean and hard.

Her body. Her life. Her sexuality. These things do not belong to YOU.

Stop pushing her boundaries.

Respect them instead.

Edited February 11, 2011 by You Go Girl

[Urgie]

yea, i get it lol. It is dropped .. she is sitting here and i wont even bring it up

 

i never wanted to push her, so now that you guys are saying it seems as i am, i dont want to go there so i will leave it alone.

[Urgie]

Hi all its been some time and i thought id update everyone.

 

First off, the advice given above about imagining how it is very possible to end up with her in tears, and images she just cannot get out of her head forever ... has helped me very much! At least it has felt like less of an obsession that i need to dwell on daily.

 

With that said, there has actually been minor development. After my last post she approached me about what was wrong and i explained how it was tough to talk about because i didn't want to hurt her, or make her feel like she had to do something that she would be uncomfortable with. I said id like to drop it, and i am even considering some sort of counseling to help me just get my mind off of it.

 

She didn't really react one way or another, I just sort of talked freely and explained how i was feeling. I said for some reason i just cannot stop thinking of it! In any situation, her with another guy either in front of me, with me, while im at work, getting an erotic massage, even just flirting!

 

But then, (and here is the head spinner) she actually said the massage might be a good idea. But agreed she would have to be drunk enough to be willing to get naked in front of another man. We discussed it a little bit and she decided it might be good if we arrange for a masseuse to meet us at a bar in the lobby of a hotel, have a few drinks before he gets there, and then while he is there to loosen the mood and get comfortable with him. At that point we would head upstairs and he would hopefully use up a few gallons of oil (lol). She understands she will be nude, he will be nude, and most likely there will be a happy ending involved ... and more than likely i will be on the sideline doing my thing, i may even jump on top of her during the massage.

 

Now while i should be thrilled about this, and i sort of am ... i have some really mixed feelings going on right now that i don't understand.

 

1. If all of the stars aligned i am sure it will go further than just an erotic massage. Yes thats what i want, but what i don't want is her feeling like i pushed her into it. I plan to make this extremely clear before we go to the room ... she is free to set any limits, and i will enforce them. She will also be free to change the limits if she wants to but i wont push for it at all.

 

2. I did some basic searches for someone to do it, and it seems like all creeps out there! I might be a perverted nutcase, but there is no way ill let some weirdo put his paws on my wife. In a lot of cases even the good looking ones have some issue with personality that im detecting, and then just cutting the convo short.

 

3. Even tho she sort of brought it up, and agreed to it and talked out all of the details, i still don't feel like she is 100% onboard! The reason is because after my research i came up with 4 candidates. 2 seemed like decent dudes i found on CL, the other 2 were from cowboys4angels.com. I showed her all 4 men and several photos of each and just asked her which of them she found attractive. She said "i dont know". I said well, which would you prefer to get an erotic massage from? she said "i guess any will do, i dont really know". So i dropped it.

 

Now some of the guys were absolutely gorgeous (not saying that in a gay way) and they were all completely different! blonde, brunette. Muscular, just "fit", foreign, american, blue eyes, brown eyes, etc.

 

For me to feel comfortable with going through with this i really need confidence that im not pushing her, or forcing, or drilling it into her. If she came out and said "this guy isn't bad" or "that guy, he is the one .. wow" or something, anything! But nope, not a thing.

 

So what i have done is i sorta dropped it in terms of bringing it up for the last few days. Im doing my research, but without her knowing and without putting anything in front of her. I am waiting to see if at some point she questions me about it like "hey did you find a guy?" or "so how is it coming with you-know-what" or something like that. If she does that, i will have a better sense of her being excited, or looking forward to it.

 

But until i get some positive signs from her i have to assume she is just doing this to feed my fantasy, and that is truly not what i want.

 

So thats where we are. In fact it was going to be this sat (tomorrow) but she ended up checking her calendar to find it would be that time of month, so she said lets push it to next weekend.

 

I haven't brought it up, and id really like for her to question me even just a little bit, so i don't feel like i am the only one thinking of it.

 

Go ahead, kick my ass now

 

lol

[Lauriebell82]

Okay, I don't think this is a good idea. You speaking freely probably made her feel guilty so now she is agreeable to this so you don't leave her over it. Getting herself drunk to get an erotic massage? That is a "no no." That means she is not really into it if she has to be drunk, and most likely she will regret doing it afterwards. Your instinct is correct on that.

 

The only way you should do this is if she is willing to have absolutely no alcohol and be stone cold sober...which she probably won't agree to. I just think this whole thing will end in disaster personally.

[Urgie]

I would agree with you, but i do know her very well. The drunk comment came from her because we both know how insecure she is with her body.

 

It wasnt to do with anything with the massage, more because she would never be able to undress in front of someone

[Lauriebell82]

I would agree with you, but i do know her very well. The drunk comment came from her because we both know how insecure she is with her body.

 

It wasnt to do with anything with the massage, more because she would never be able to undress in front of someone

 

Well, if she is not able to undress in front of someone, how is she going to handle being naked? And if she is insecure with her body, how is she going to handle having it be "exposed" and someone other then you rubbing oil on her? I think you want this so badly, that you are writing some of these "clues" off, that she is giving you. Perfectly understandable. Unless she pushes you further on this and agrees to be sober, I would not do it. She is just doing this to please you, believe me.

[xxoo]

But once she is drunk, she is no longer about to truly consent to anything beyond what she consented to sober. If she only consented to an erotic massage when sober, and then while drunk says she wants to go further and have sex with the guy....how will she feel once sober again? Will she regret her actions? Blame you?

[Urgie]

But once she is drunk, she is no longer about to truly consent to anything beyond what she consented to sober. If she only consented to an erotic massage when sober, and then while drunk says she wants to go further and have sex with the guy....how will she feel once sober again? Will she regret her actions? Blame you?

 

Absolutely, this was my only concern when she mentioned drinking. I understand her desire to be tipsy, for many many years this is how she has been with her body. Wont wear short skirts, show much cleavage, etc. All because of how she feels about her body.

 

I relentlessly tell her she is gorgeous, and honestly she is! I dont know what her issue is with that. But its a mental thing.

 

But what you said, was something i thought about and planned to address with her. I think any limits set while sober, shouldn't be touched when tipsy.