Moving Forward - do I tell?

[Pawi]

I've been browsing this site for a while and working in IC to try and figure somethings out but now I feel like I have a question that I'd like some people with real experience to assist me in. I'm grateful for any insight anyone could provide.

 

I have been married almost eight years, we have two wonderful young children, my husband is a very good man - kind, sweet, loving father unfortunately he and I have sexually always been on the wrong page and I've never felt passion in our relationship. He doesn't communicate openly and sticks his head in the sand whenever there is an issue. When I've attempted to talk about our issues he shuts down completely. We married after dating two years when I was twenty, I know now that what I was seeking then was the safety of a relationship and that I knew in many ways that there were large areas of incompatibility. Shortly after our marriage I found out he had some sexual interests he hadn't told me of and while I was excited to explore them he shut me out. Since then things got worse, we completely failed to communicate about our issues. Three years ago I asked him to try something with me - I felt that I was being very brave to ask him and his unfortunate reply was that the idea of the act (not something most men wouldn't enjoy) was gross. This is where my biggest mistake came in, I was so hurt and felt rejected so I looked online and ended up meeting a man who enjoyed this act, what I thought was just going to be sexual exploration ended up in a nearly three year full blown physical love affair. I was madly in love with that man and thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him (although now in hindsight I know it would never have worked and that I was only looking at the good about him). Almost four months ago MM's wife found out and immediately the affair ended, we have remained NC since that day. I have grieved that relationship terribly and have finally begun to feel that I'm not completely raw from it. I know what I did was horribly wrong, I have no question about that, I know I risked everything including my children's futures and that I was selfish and hurt so many people (even unknowingly) and most of all hurt myself. I should have communicated with my spouse then but I instead I chose the 'easy' route and cheated. Regardless of communication and relationship issues my H didn't deserve to be treated that way. He at one point found out that MM and I were chatting online in a sexual way but he never found out that we had met.

 

Now of course all the same relationship issues still exist. I feel impossibly far away from my H and I don't know how to get closer. In most respects I actually push him away because I'm terrified to let him close to me. In IC I've been working on what my needs for love are and what things I need to be providing for myself rather then expecting of a spouse.

 

Finally last night my H asked me to be intimate with him and I told him then that we needed to speak. I told him that I felt such a distance with him that I didn't know how to be emotionally close enough with him to be physically close to him. He questioned if I loved him and I had a difficult time saying that I did. While I love many things about him I don't feel the selfless love or respect that a husband deserves from his wife. He divulged that he has spent significant time being mad and hurt over being cheated on two years ago (only what he knows as I said above) and we seemed to cycle through a discussion of mistrust and lack of safety with one another. He went to bed in a different room feeling what he said was hurt and anger along with some relief to finally know that his perspective on my actions of pushing him away weren't just a dream. I feel some animosity after the conversation given how much he's saying he was hurt by the knowledge of my online chatting but that he never even bothered to look to see if there was more. I know that he simply didn't want to know and to me it felt like the green light to proceed. I was expecting after the conversation to feel somewhat better and closer given that it was the first real conversation we've had in years but instead I feel further away from him and like I'll never be able to figure this out.

 

What I don't know today is if we even stand a chance at fixing this marriage. I know that I want some different things out of it then we have ever had - for instance sexual compatibility, the feeling of being safe and protected by my spouse and the ability to truly know one another. I'm not sure how attractive I find my spouse anymore (and I know that that is largely emotional based, I used to find him quite attractive) and I also know that for nearly our entire marriage we've failed to communicate. I know he loves and respects me, that he tries to make me feel loved and that he is committed to me. I don't understand why I can't feel the same things back, I feel so selfish and stupid.

 

My real concern now is how to move forward. I hate to just give up on this relationship because I feel I can never be honest but I also know that there is a huge chance that he would leave if I told him the whole truth (and that it would jeopardize my custody - currently I'm a stay-at-home mom so this isn't an easy thing). I also wonder if part of the reason I want to tell him about the affair is just to seal my fate and give him the information he needs to leave. I have no clue how to fall in love with a spouse I haven't felt those feelings for in so very long, and in some respects never did. I'm terribly confused and I don't know if it's possible to even attempt to fix this relationship, and if it is if I should tell.

 

I feel like a horrible person for making such bad decisions and I question if I just shouldn't have left three years ago when things didn't feel right, or minimally I know we should have started marital therapy then. I know how much it would hurt him to know of my affair. Should I tell him and try to fix it, I don't want to hold him hostage and I still feel very confused about my feelings for him even outside of my affair. Or do I never tell and try to fix it (it feels so manipulative, like I'm controlling him and forcing him back into a relationship with me) or do I just end the marriage and while I'm causing him hurt I'm sparing him the knowledge of what I've done? Something else? Are there things other people see that just aren't apparent to me?

[What_Next]

2 basic decision trees.

 

1. Stay with the marriage and try and make it work. IMHO the ONLY way that begins is to 100% come clean with every single thing you've done. Beg forgiveness and commit 100% to the marriage and hope for a reconciliation. Going down this road without coming clean is a zero sum game.

 

2. Move on and divorce. If you do, then there is no real need to completely come clean. There might be a moral need, but if you can live with the guilt then so be it.

 

Only you know what you want. After reading your post though the likelihood of you pursuing option #1 is remote at best.

 

My opinion? Move on. Let your husband go and perhaps he'll learn from this experience and apply it in his next relationship.

 

Good luck, you'll need it.

[Owl]

So basically your choices are to either lie by ommission and attempt to rebuild an already damaged relationship based off that lie...or tell the truth and run the risk that this already damaged relationship would shatter and end as a result, risking losing primary custody of your child to boot.

 

Clearly not easy choices.

 

I'm the kind of guy who would say err on the side of honesty. The way it sounds...there's little hope for your marriage anyway. If nothing drastically changes the situation it's already on the path to end. At this point, it's on it's way there now, and telling the truth would either be the "breaking point" to end it or the catalyst needed for massive change and overhaul of the relationship.

 

From my perspective I pretty much always advocate telling the truth, and dealing with the results as need be.

 

Staying as it stands today doesn't sound like it gains you much, and the odds are you're going to teach your children some pretty dysfunctional relationship skills as a result. Telling the truth and either rebuilding from that truth or ending the relationship and learning from what happens would teach them a whole different set of skills.

 

It's up to you...no one can choose for you.

 

But...if you were him...if you were sitting in his situation right now...what would YOU want to happen?

[Bittersweetie]

What_Next and Owl both offer valuable advice.

 

I am a WS and I would recommend telling your husband the complete truth. That way if you do choose to rebuild your relationship, you are starting from a place of honesty and openness, where nothing is hidden. Yes, he may not choose to rebuild after knowing the complete truth. That is his choice. But the only way, I feel, if you want to work on your marriage, is to tell the truth. Also, I would recommend telling everything, do not hold anything back because you feel it will upset him, or make you look bad. I did not share the complete story with my H originally and it definitely stunted our reconciliation.

 

If you don't intend to stay in the marriage, I would suggest telling the truth still. I understand how you feel making the choices you did. I've been there. As well as working on my marriage I have been working on myself and part of that is rebuilding my own integrity. When I made the choice to find affection from a man not my husband I lost all of my integrity. When I told my husband the rest of truth, I gained a little back. Every day when I am honest and open with my husband regarding any aspect of life, I gain a little back. Telling the truth may help you gain some of your own integrity back.

[lkjh]

Your entire post seems selfish. Especially the part where you say that your affair has hurt others but mostly yourself. That is not true, you have destroyed your family and you should think of yourself last.

 

 

Stopping holding your H hostage. He only has one life and right now you are robbing him of it. He has no idea why his life is so miserable and he is trying to fix it. Unfortunately he has no idea what has really been going on.

 

 

 

If you have an ounce of self-respect or respect for him you need to come clean

[30Years]

If you want to rip the hearts out of your husband and children, then come clean.

 

If you want to spare them the pain, keep your mouth shut.

 

THAT's the way it is.

[seibert253]

This isn't rocket science here:

The TRUE healing of you and your H will NEVER materialize without honesty. Plain and simple.

Your M will never be repaired without two things:

1. Total and complete commitment from both of you

2. Total honesty about EVERYTHING, from both of you.

 

IMO you need to have a very frank conversation with your H, about what he and you want out of your M.

 

The two of you can reconnect, but it's gonna take time and effort.

 

MC is a start.

[30Years]

I know I risked everything including my children's futures and that I was selfish and hurt so many people

 

So how do you justify risking your children's futures now by coming clean? How do you morally justify destroying their lives in hopes of cleansing yourself of the guilt? They're innocent in all this - you have no right.

 

You two need counseling. You know that, and your marital challenges existed before the affair and exclusive to it. The affair did not cause your marital problems. The affair is a symptom of your marital problems.

 

The number one rule in trauma is "Do no harm." You cannot make your situation better by doing more harm.

 

Please, ignore the cheater haters here, and keep your mouth shut. Not for you. For your children.

[Owl]

So how do you justify risking your children's futures now by coming clean? How do you morally justify destroying their lives in hopes of cleansing yourself of the guilt? They're innocent in all this - you have no right.

 

You two need counseling. You know that, and your marital challenges existed before the affair and exclusive to it. The affair did not cause your marital problems. The affair is a symptom of your marital problems.

 

The number one rule in trauma is "Do no harm." You cannot make your situation better by doing more harm.

 

Please, ignore the cheater haters here, and keep your mouth shut. Not for you. For your children.

 

Sorry my friend...no "hating" here.

 

What I AM is a formerly betrayed husband in a long time happily recovered marriage. And a poster who has posted advice on this board and others for several years. I've read and provided advice to hundreds if not thousands of similar situations over the years.

 

So kindly avoid lumping me in that "haters" category please.

 

And I stand by my advice.

 

The damage is already done. The affair was the source of the damage...not the telling.

 

"Do no harm..."...sounds great for a doctor on a TV medical show. But I'm sorry friend...this isn't an episode of SCRUBS.

 

I've been through the pain of recovering my marriage...and rebuilding on a foundation of truth is VITAL for this to happen.

 

Let's keep the "hating" off of here, and each post the advice to the OP that we feel is relevent, shall we? We certainly don't have to agree, but we DO have to remain respectful of each other.

[JaneyAmazed]

If you want to rip the hearts out of your husband and children, then come clean.

 

If you want to spare them the pain, keep your mouth shut.

 

THAT's the way it is.

 

I used to believe this. As a matter of fact, while I was having the affair, I believed it. I thought I could just ends things, never have to tell my H, and no one would get hurt. The problem is some people can't just keep going as if nothing ever happened. I actually do believe there are cases where the WS never mentions the affair, lives with the guilt and/or forgives herself/himself, commits to the marriage and spouse and all is well. For me that would have never worked. I knew that if I was not completely honest with my H, we would never be able to be as close emotionally as we should be as a married couple. There would always be that deep dark secret that would separate us. I confessed because I felt like I had to in order to save my marriage and be close to my H. One of the reasons the OP can't feel emotionally or physically close to her H is because of her secret.

 

To the OP: Your situation is different from mine. It seems to me that maybe you really don't want to be married to your H. I only say that because it's been 4 months NC and no progress and the fact that you stayed in the affair for 3 years. That's a long time. It only ended because your xMM's wife found out tells me you might have still been in it now if she had never found out. I couldn't live with myself for four months. I can't imagine what a wreck I would have been after 3 years! I think if you can stay in an affair for 3 years, you felt comfortable enough to be emotionally attached to another man and probably didn't care much about being emotionally close to your H. In your case, based on what you've said so far, I think you would be doing your H a favor by telling him the truth. That way he can decided based on all the facts, what he is willing to do or not do.

[30Years]

"Do no harm..."...sounds great for a doctor on a TV medical show. But I'm sorry friend...this isn't an episode of SCRUBS.

 

We certainly don't have to agree, but we DO have to remain respectful of each other.

 

You might want to practice in that first sentence up there what you preach in your last.

 

"Primum non nocere" means "First, do no harm." Ask any medical doctor.

 

Pawi, please go get some REAL advice. Do not make a decision on something this important from an online forum.

[30Years]

Sorry my friend...no "hating" here.

 

What I AM is a formerly betrayed husband in a long time happily recovered marriage. And a poster who has posted advice on this board and others for several years. I've read and provided advice to hundreds if not thousands of similar situations over the years.

 

So kindly avoid lumping me in that "haters" category please.

 

And I stand by my advice.

 

The damage is already done. The affair was the source of the damage...not the telling.

 

"Do no harm..."...sounds great for a doctor on a TV medical show. But I'm sorry friend...this isn't an episode of SCRUBS.

 

I've been through the pain of recovering my marriage...and rebuilding on a foundation of truth is VITAL for this to happen.

 

Let's keep the "hating" off of here, and each post the advice to the OP that we feel is relevent, shall we? We certainly don't have to agree, but we DO have to remain respectful of each other.

 

Owl,

 

You're right, and I apologize. I let my emotions get the best of me as I was writing my post, and I didn't even think that by saying "cheater haters" I was implying everyone who posted prior. I don't know that you are any of those implied are "cheater haters." That was unfair and downright ugly.

 

I hate when I make a fool of myself, but I hope you and the others will accept my apology.

[ladydesigner]

I always get flamed for my views as well, but I am in the do not tell group.

 

I agree with 30 years.

 

My therapist advised against telling.

 

I am a BS turned WS (revenge affair, but still an affair)

 

My M is in recovery.

 

I love my H and family very much not to hurt them by disclosing my dark secret. It eats me up inside and probably always will. It is my payback.

[Mme. Chaucer]

If a person is going to "tell" for the purpose of assuaging their own guilt, this is not an appropriate reason.

 

But, please, read the OP again. This woman has had terrible problems in her marriage before and after the affair. Her marriage might be doomed no matter what she does. If she really wants to take a serious try at building a GOOD marriage with her husband, this could NEVER happen with the secret of infidelity between them.

 

Almost everyone who has been cheated on knows the feeling of being gaslighted, and the toxic undercurrent that's always there that something is very wrong, but they just can't discern what that is. The marriage of the OP does not stand a chance of survival - and survival in a whole new form - if the husband is left in the dark about all of this, for many reasons.

 

Of course there is also the significant issue of his right to know, and to make an informed decision about working on the marriage or leaving.

 

I am not a hater of any kind (well, almost), and I strongly advocate telling - within the context of MC.

[JustJoe]

LD, I like you a lot, but your Martyrdom complex, less so. As a FOM. I say that nothing will ever be settled if you keep it a secret. You may be able to re-commit, but what of your H? How can he fix what he doesn't know about? How can you or anyone fix anything if you don't know what the problems are? If you start MC what will you talk about, how will you answer his questions? You will have to tell lie after lie after lie, just to keep him from finding out the result (affair) of your marital discord. It is not possible to build a healthy, honest marriage on deceit. If you really want to re-commit, tell him ALL. If you are afraid, or are too selfish to be honest, then divorce him and start anew, and share custody of the kids with him.

[JustJoe]

If a person is going to "tell" for the purpose of assuaging their own guilt, this is not an appropriate reason.

 

But, please, read the OP again. This woman has had terrible problems in her marriage before and after the affair. Her marriage might be doomed no matter what she does. If she really wants to take a serious try at building a GOOD marriage with her husband, this could NEVER happen with the secret of infidelity between them.

 

Almost everyone who has been cheated on knows the feeling of being gaslighted, and the toxic undercurrent that's always there that something is very wrong, but they just can't discern what that is. The marriage of the OP does not stand a chance of survival - and survival in a whole new form - if the husband is left in the dark about all of this, for many reasons.

 

Of course there is also the significant issue of his right to know, and to make an informed decision about working on the marriage or leaving.

 

I am not a hater of any kind (well, almost), and I strongly advocate telling - within the context of MC.

Very wise post, Mme Chaucer.

[ladydesigner]

LD, I like you a lot, but your Martyrdom complex, less so. As a FOM. I say that nothing will ever be settled if you keep it a secret. You may be able to re-commit, but what of your H? How can he fix what he doesn't know about? How can you or anyone fix anything if you don't know what the problems are? If you start MC what will you talk about, how will you answer his questions? You will have to tell lie after lie after lie, just to keep him from finding out the result (affair) of your marital discord. It is not possible to build a healthy, honest marriage on deceit. If you really want to re-commit, tell him ALL. If you are afraid, or are too selfish to be honest, then divorce him and start anew, and share custody of the kids with him.

 

Sorry didn't mean to come off as a martyr:o

 

I agree JJ. I don't know why, I guess it would be fear being the major reason and also disrupting the kids lives and how well our M has been going. I have no other answer. I agree with what you have said though.

[Distant78]

I've been browsing this site for a while and working in IC to try and figure somethings out but now I feel like I have a question that I'd like some people with real experience to assist me in. I'm grateful for any insight anyone could provide.

 

I have been married almost eight years, we have two wonderful young children, my husband is a very good man - kind, sweet, loving father unfortunately he and I have sexually always been on the wrong page and I've never felt passion in our relationship. He doesn't communicate openly and sticks his head in the sand whenever there is an issue. When I've attempted to talk about our issues he shuts down completely. We married after dating two years when I was twenty, I know now that what I was seeking then was the safety of a relationship and that I knew in many ways that there were large areas of incompatibility. Shortly after our marriage I found out he had some sexual interests he hadn't told me of and while I was excited to explore them he shut me out. Since then things got worse, we completely failed to communicate about our issues. Three years ago I asked him to try something with me - I felt that I was being very brave to ask him and his unfortunate reply was that the idea of the act (not something most men wouldn't enjoy) was gross. This is where my biggest mistake came in, I was so hurt and felt rejected so I looked online and ended up meeting a man who enjoyed this act, what I thought was just going to be sexual exploration ended up in a nearly three year full blown physical love affair. I was madly in love with that man and thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him (although now in hindsight I know it would never have worked and that I was only looking at the good about him). Almost four months ago MM's wife found out and immediately the affair ended, we have remained NC since that day. I have grieved that relationship terribly and have finally begun to feel that I'm not completely raw from it. I know what I did was horribly wrong, I have no question about that, I know I risked everything including my children's futures and that I was selfish and hurt so many people (even unknowingly) and most of all hurt myself. I should have communicated with my spouse then but I instead I chose the 'easy' route and cheated. Regardless of communication and relationship issues my H didn't deserve to be treated that way. He at one point found out that MM and I were chatting online in a sexual way but he never found out that we had met.

 

Now of course all the same relationship issues still exist. I feel impossibly far away from my H and I don't know how to get closer. In most respects I actually push him away because I'm terrified to let him close to me. In IC I've been working on what my needs for love are and what things I need to be providing for myself rather then expecting of a spouse.

 

Finally last night my H asked me to be intimate with him and I told him then that we needed to speak. I told him that I felt such a distance with him that I didn't know how to be emotionally close enough with him to be physically close to him. He questioned if I loved him and I had a difficult time saying that I did. While I love many things about him I don't feel the selfless love or respect that a husband deserves from his wife. He divulged that he has spent significant time being mad and hurt over being cheated on two years ago (only what he knows as I said above) and we seemed to cycle through a discussion of mistrust and lack of safety with one another. He went to bed in a different room feeling what he said was hurt and anger along with some relief to finally know that his perspective on my actions of pushing him away weren't just a dream. I feel some animosity after the conversation given how much he's saying he was hurt by the knowledge of my online chatting but that he never even bothered to look to see if there was more. I know that he simply didn't want to know and to me it felt like the green light to proceed. I was expecting after the conversation to feel somewhat better and closer given that it was the first real conversation we've had in years but instead I feel further away from him and like I'll never be able to figure this out.

 

What I don't know today is if we even stand a chance at fixing this marriage. I know that I want some different things out of it then we have ever had - for instance sexual compatibility, the feeling of being safe and protected by my spouse and the ability to truly know one another. I'm not sure how attractive I find my spouse anymore (and I know that that is largely emotional based, I used to find him quite attractive) and I also know that for nearly our entire marriage we've failed to communicate. I know he loves and respects me, that he tries to make me feel loved and that he is committed to me. I don't understand why I can't feel the same things back, I feel so selfish and stupid.

 

My real concern now is how to move forward. I hate to just give up on this relationship because I feel I can never be honest but I also know that there is a huge chance that he would leave if I told him the whole truth (and that it would jeopardize my custody - currently I'm a stay-at-home mom so this isn't an easy thing). I also wonder if part of the reason I want to tell him about the affair is just to seal my fate and give him the information he needs to leave. I have no clue how to fall in love with a spouse I haven't felt those feelings for in so very long, and in some respects never did. I'm terribly confused and I don't know if it's possible to even attempt to fix this relationship, and if it is if I should tell.

 

I feel like a horrible person for making such bad decisions and I question if I just shouldn't have left three years ago when things didn't feel right, or minimally I know we should have started marital therapy then. I know how much it would hurt him to know of my affair. Should I tell him and try to fix it, I don't want to hold him hostage and I still feel very confused about my feelings for him even outside of my affair. Or do I never tell and try to fix it (it feels so manipulative, like I'm controlling him and forcing him back into a relationship with me) or do I just end the marriage and while I'm causing him hurt I'm sparing him the knowledge of what I've done? Something else? Are there things other people see that just aren't apparent to me?

 

It's obvious you don't really care about him or the marriage itself. Instead of doing the right thing you put a permanent stain on your marriage. Tell him everything so he can decide if he still wants you or not or divorce him.

[JustJoe]

You know I'm in your corner, sweetheart;)

[Snowflower]

OP, from what you post, it's unclear whether your marriage will survive this. It appears you and your husband have been incompatible from the start.

 

I do think that if you decide to divorce, that you tell your H the truth. It seems to be the kind thing to do, especially if he doesn't initially he want the divorce-and even if he does. If you tell him the simple truth (leaving out the nitty-gritty details) then he can understand why his marriage is ending and be able to heal faster. He won't tie himself into knots trying to change himself for you, or to keep the marriage, or wondering what he did wrong.

 

I think you owe him this much. He is the father of your children and you loved him enough at one time to marry him. Sure, it will hurt him terribly if you tell him but I think in the long run, it is the healthiest way for him to heal and maybe it will help you heal as well.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I feel like a horrible person for making such bad decisions and I question if I just shouldn't have left three years ago when things didn't feel right, or minimally I know we should have started marital therapy then. I know how much it would hurt him to know of my affair. Should I tell him and try to fix it, I don't want to hold him hostage and I still feel very confused about my feelings for him even outside of my affair. Or do I never tell and try to fix it (it feels so manipulative, like I'm controlling him and forcing him back into a relationship with me) or do I just end the marriage and while I'm causing him hurt I'm sparing him the knowledge of what I've done? Something else? Are there things other people see that just aren't apparent to me?

 

You know right from wrong. You already know what needs to be done... so go do it!

[Pawi]

First a thank you to everyone who responded. In some way it's actually comforting to see all the differences in opinion, it makes my own confusion seem much more rational.*

 

I know that when I hear a comment and it ticks me off that's because it's likely true. I've acted spoiled and selfish and I'm continuing to do so. I know that I have made an immense mess and that I have no idea how to get out of it and that I should be the last person I'm worried about.*

 

Part of my problem is that while our marriage is emotionless and passionless it's not bad as a status quo, we get along and are great parents together, we even share most the same views of life. What we don't share are our emotions and it's so painful to not have that. It was a loaded gun of excitement but within my A I felt a sense intimacy I had never before experienced. It's very hard for me to know that the greater likelihood is that I stand to kill the status quo rather then create a better one by telling.*

 

On the other hand if I do not tell I have robbed my H and myself of the experience of putting it all back together. Or of dissolving our marriage because of the truth. Right now he feels like something is broken but doesn't know what.*

 

The advice from my family continues to be (even after four months) not to ever tell. It's the same principal of do no harm but is that really a greater principal then honesty or integrity.*

 

My family also believes that he just doesn't want to know. During the conversation H and I had (in first post) as we discussed my cheating (again only what he knows) I said, "you never even bothered to figure out what was really going on." He didn't respond to this and just moved on. My families response is that he's making it clear he doesn't want to know.*

 

I'm probably a pretty **** person for saying this but I don't feel a lot of guilt, so the reason I would tell wouldn't be to absolve myself of it. *it's more absolute regret but I think the guilt won't surface until I actually have to watch him sob when I tell him the truth. Then I'll feel horribly and lower then low.*

 

Last night he came home and acknowledged that our relationship isn't in a good place and asked if I thought it was worth working on because he does. *I agreed and said that we owe it to the kids to which he replied that we should do it for us not the kids. He's agreed to MC and my IC therapist is going to give me a recommendation for one.*

 

At this point I just don't ever think I can emotionally reconnect to this marriage without him knowing. Otherwise I will always feel like I have some gigantic one-up on him. I know what I did and I know that there may be miserable consequences. Personally I feel inclined to tell regardless, especially given my resistance to open back up to him. For me while I was in my A my marriage was dead and I think he deserves to know what he's up against. (although some would argue that I can tell him that without telling him everything).*It feels like this huge secret is an ocean between us and I do not know how to get to the same place unless I tell him. I truly feel like I need to tell him.

 

I think my plan from here will be to start MC and then within a week or two I need to tell him. I have been horrible and unfair to him long enough. I know once I tell him there is no going back. I also know that I can't even begin to imagine how much this will hurt him and how much he will hate me. I'm crying just thinking of his reaction. How do you get brave enough to do this?

 

I wish this was easier.

[StoneCold]

I will post on this... give m time... I sense another flame fest

[lkjh]

ladydesigner,

people on here don't flame you because of your advice. If I remember correctly, your H cheated and you cheated but you know he cheated and he has no idea that you did. You punished him for his cheating, made him work for you, and made him believe that your marriage problems were solely his fault.

 

People don't like your advice because it takes a very selfish person to do that to someone and we don't want to be that person. You use your H and somehow think that is ok.

 

 

If I remembered your story incorrectly than I am sorry

[lkjh]

Pawi, I applaud you for wanting to come clean. It won't be easy but the right thing to do never is. Not telling is slowly destroying the two of you. Im not saying that by being honest you will somehow save your marriage. There may already be too much damage but at least you can regain some integrity.

 

Good luck