Moving Forward - do I tell?

[Pawi]

More then ever now I think I know what my decision is. I know my family may disagree with me but I know that our marriage will NEVER change if I don't come clean and that we can't survive in suspended animation.

 

Just now we were in the kitchen talking and he wanted to discuss our relationship and again I felt that huge wall of resistance and for the first time I realized that that wall has been built from my lies and that I cannot continue to lie. There is no way I can ever get closer to him without honoring him with the respect that he deserves and that is only done through the truth. I know I have likely done too much damage already but I cannot fake my way through this marriage any longer. I know he doesn't deserve it.

[StoneCold]

OK... so you've decided to fix the marriage..... If I were in your shoes I wouldnt tell.

 

But I'm not you so by you saying this...

 

At this point I just don't ever think I can emotionally reconnect to this marriage without him knowing.

 

it sounds like you will have to tell him....

 

Not because "its the right thing" (oh god.. "right" according to who exactly?) but because its right for YOUR SITUATION... not a story book situation... your situation.

 

BUT... and its a big BUT

 

Bear in mind that there is a good chance that by telling him you could achieve nothing but hurt....and its likely not going to make you feel any better.... and its likely not going to make him feel any better because you did "the right thing" (oh god). You'll just hurt.. thats it.

 

I tell you this just so you can prep yourself for the worse case scenario.

[Iconoclast]

There is no way I can ever get closer to him without honoring him with the respect that he deserves and that is only done through the truth. .

 

 

I was going to post almost that exact sentiment, you did it a little more gracefully. You are very self aware and pragmatic. I despise what you did, and I do think that makes you a bad person, but I also can see that you want to honestly change that.

It's gonna be a horror show, but it has to be done, you need to get to a place where you can forgive yourself.

 

You don't have to remember the truth.

 

You should read about the affects of love/affair on brain chemistry, and also cognitive dissonance. It will help you to understand why the affair was so addictive and you marginalized your spouse.

 

Good luck.

[Pawi]

 

Bear in mind that there is a good chance that by telling him you could achieve nothing but hurt....and its likely not going to make you feel any better.... and its likely not going to make him feel any better because you did "the right thing" (oh god). You'll just hurt.. thats it.

 

I tell you this just so you can prep yourself for the worse case scenario.

 

I know, trust me, it's all I can think of. This is not likely to fix anything but as someone said, the affair was the damage, not telling.

 

The problem is that the worst case scenario is the likely scenario but even if the marriage moves towards an immediate end at least then he's not left feeling unbelievably confused about what just happened. For what he knows if I just declared divorce he would try very hard to make us work, do counseling etc. With those routes I would have no choice but to continue to lie and if I can continue to lie I will never be able to reconnect. It's the worlds worst Catch 22 and I know I did it all to myself. I just don't see any other way.

 

If I tell we stand a chance of making our marriage work. We stand a greater chance of divorcing.

 

If I don't tell we don't stand a chance at all...and if I just walk away he's left never understanding what happened and that's can't ever be fair to him.

 

I think I'm just going to panic for now and figure out my plan over the next few days as I calm. Maybe try to enjoy the last few days of status quo before I do what I see as the only real option.

[StoneCold]

 

For what he knows if I just declared divorce he would try very hard to make us work, do counseling etc. .....

If I don't tell we don't stand a chance at all...and if I just walk away he's left never understanding what happened and that's can't ever be fair to him.

 

Well its your call....

 

But I dont see it this way. The fact that you cheated is really just a result of a bigger problem (as far as you are concerned)...its byproduct...its 2.99 hotdogs not the prime rib. If I were in your shoes I'd walk and tell the real problem (on my end anyways).... "I felt rejected for years and it really hurt. It hurt so bad that the damage is reparable and I'm no longer committed to this relationship". (in a nut shell)... and thats the truth is it not?

 

 

I'm telling you this because if you decide to let the marriage go...no sense sticking a knife in him on the way out the door. You'll accomplish all of....ready for it?... nothing....just let you both go your separate ways with the least amount of hurt possible. Why add salt to the wound?

Edited February 10, 2011 by StoneCold

[Distant78]

OK... so you've decided to fix the marriage..... If I were in your shoes I wouldnt tell.

 

But I'm not you so by you saying this...

 

 

 

it sounds like you will have to tell him....

 

Not because "its the right thing" (oh god.. "right" according to who exactly?) but because its right for YOUR SITUATION... not a story book situation... your situation.

 

BUT... and its a big BUT

 

Bear in mind that there is a good chance that by telling him you could achieve nothing but hurt....and its likely not going to make you feel any better.... and its likely not going to make him feel any better because you did "the right thing" (oh god). You'll just hurt.. thats it.

 

I tell you this just so you can prep yourself for the worse case scenario.

 

Oh yea, not telling him that she cuckolded him will make their marriage 10x better.

[Distant78]

 

But I dont see it this way. The fact that you cheated is really just a result of a bigger problem

 

Nope. Only the result of the issues she has. What she did isn't related to her marriage. She decided to do that on her own because her husband said no a few times.

 

 

I'm telling you this because if you decide to let the marriage go...no sense sticking a knife in him on the way out the door. You'll accomplish all of....ready for it?... nothing....just let you both go your separate ways with the least amount of hurt possible. Why add salt to the wound?

 

It's not adding salt to the wound. The marriage was destroyed the moment she decided to cheat. He just doesn't know it yet. If she can't at least be honest to herself and her marriage, she'll repeat this selfish pattern with the next guy. She needs to learn her lesson here and now and face the music.

[JaneyAmazed]

How do you get brave enough to do this?

 

I wish this was easier.

 

Trust me, you just do it if you want your marriage to survive. You seem to have the same feeling I did knowing you can't be emotionally close to your H while keeping such a huge secret. I felt so weak even as I was confessing, but I'll never regret telling the truth.

[jnj express]

One question you need to ask yourself---do you still have intimacy problems----If you do---then you will cheat again---everyone needs physical satisfaction, since you can't reach it with your H., eventually you will again start looking for intimacy with other men

 

That being said---a Divorce is your best solution----you can't stay in an emotionally dead mge., or maybe you don't mind living like roomates, the rest of your married life

 

If you are to D., anyway---do not tell your H.----You may be able to come to an amicable settlement, and your kids won't be hurt---If you tell your H., prepare for Nuclear Winter, and it will last 2 to 5 yrs, also once that hits, you will more than likely cheat again at that point also

 

You may wonder why I keep saying you will probably cheat again---its cuz of your situation, and the fact that all of us do need physical satisfaction, and you will do what you need to do to get it----you get it by cheating, as simple as that!!!!!!!!

 

Your H., will survive, no matter what---It is the kids, that will be the worse off. Yes, if you D., they will still be pawns, and shuttled back and forth, but if you don't tell at least, the animosity, of an A. will not hang over your H.----He won't be happy, but a D. for your mge., seems to be what is the best solution

[Pawi]

I can absolutely appreciate the idea of just divorcing and moving on without ever saying a word, especially given the implication of just how unforgivable my actions were. Perhaps it's just a daydream but a part of me wonders if H and I could have a good marriage and if I would stop resisting him and we could actually learn to talk to one another if we could make this work and work well. I feel like I owe it to him and to my children to see if it's a possibility.

 

Thinking of telling him as a reality hit me last night, I couldn't sleep and I laid awake all night crying and wondering how I could be just so awful and do what I did. I justified it the entire time, was so unbelievably selfish and now I feel like I've ruined what could have been a good thing.

 

I am terrified to tell him, I know it will not go well and while I wonder if I could just really work at the things that lead me to the affair (the things that are really not right in my marriage as Stone Cold said - like complete lack of intimacy as said above) without telling him. But how awful to never let him have the freedom of a choice. I made all sorts of wicked decisions and in some way I feel like I must pay for them. I know it took me four months but the guilt has hit me like a wall. What have I done?

[Owl]

Here's my thoughts...

 

If you're not willing to be completely honest about EVERYTHING...MC and attempting to fix the marriage is a massive waste of time, money, and effort.

 

If you intend to try to reconcile...then plan on being completely, sometimes even painfully honest.

 

That's what the MC is there to do...make sure that you choose an MC who can be a good "referee" to act as a neutral third party to help the two of you work through all of this.

 

If you can't do that...then filing for divorce and walking away is your only other real resolution to this situation.

 

That's my viewpoint.

 

With all of that said...there's no gaurantee that you CAN recover your marriage, even being completely honest. You're right...he may walk away, once he knows all the facts.

 

But at least he was given the information and allowed to make an informed choice...and you can look back and realized you did the right thing.

 

Not every marriage can recover from something like this...I'm not going to sugar coat it...but some do. There are several posters here who live in happily recovered marriages. Myself, Anne, and many others.

[Chi townD]

This is just my opinion, but you said you didn't feel guilty about it. You also said that you don't feel close or love towards your husband as a wife should.

 

I think that perphaps you do feel guilty, and your guilt won't ALLOW yourself to become close to him. You've built this wall of lies and deceit and it's keeping you from him. Now, I do realize that things weren't great before your affair, and there is no doubt in my mind that you two need therapy in the worst way, but let me tell you something about your husband.

 

He seems to be very intelligent to realize that there's a problem. Most men don't know this until it's too late. With this knowledge, he's trying to reach out to you and you keep smacking his hand away and he doesn't even know the whole story; therefore, he keeps wondering what he did that was so wrong that he can't even reach you. He might be beating himself up wondering how to fix the pain he's put you through and yet, he has no idea of the pain you've done to him.

 

Just my two cents

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Maybe it is all about my obsession with sex;), but the OP states this is all about a sex act he was not interested in doing and she searched and validation from someone else through sex and only sex......

 

All her issues stem from the fact her spouse does not care enough or understand the importance Pawi places on it. Obviously the two have never been on the same page and frankly sex and intimacy is the overriding issue tearing this marriage apart.

 

The husband sounds like a cold fish, repressed with little idea of the importance Pawi places on it. It is up to him to find out and address his issues.

 

And Pawi has to face the fact that she diod this solely because her husband won't do something in bed or excites her between the sheets.... This to me sounds like the classic chicken or egg scenario..... I bet if she allows it and he does it and sex is fun good then they will be okay...... Pretty shallow huh?????

 

I too am in the camp he doesn't need to know the extent of the affair, but the reason behind it, which seems to have been sex (maybe some intimacy)......

Edited February 10, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Untouchable_Fire]

Well its your call....

But I dont see it this way. The fact that you cheated is really just a result of a bigger problem (as far as you are concerned)...its byproduct...its 2.99 hotdogs not the prime rib. If I were in your shoes I'd walk and tell the real problem (on my end anyways).... "I felt rejected for years and it really hurt. It hurt so bad that the damage is reparable and I'm no longer committed to this relationship". (in a nut shell)... and thats the truth is it not?

I'm telling you this because if you decide to let the marriage go...no sense sticking a knife in him on the way out the door. You'll accomplish all of....ready for it?... nothing....just let you both go your separate ways with the least amount of hurt possible. Why add salt to the wound?

 

That is cowardly advice.

 

I think I'm qualified to say as a guy who has been cheated on... that it isn't the cheating that hurts. It is when you drag a guy around for months and years wasting his life... just using him as a paycheck or a security blanket.

 

By tossing the blame on him and walking away trying to make yourself look like a saint... that lie hurts. It hurts worse than you can imagine.

 

I can absolutely appreciate the idea of just divorcing and moving on without ever saying a word, especially given the implication of just how unforgivable my actions were. Perhaps it's just a daydream but a part of me wonders if H and I could have a good marriage and if I would stop resisting him and we could actually learn to talk to one another if we could make this work and work well. I feel like I owe it to him and to my children to see if it's a possibility.

Thinking of telling him as a reality hit me last night, I couldn't sleep and I laid awake all night crying and wondering how I could be just so awful and do what I did. I justified it the entire time, was so unbelievably selfish and now I feel like I've ruined what could have been a good thing.

I am terrified to tell him, I know it will not go well and while I wonder if I could just really work at the things that lead me to the affair (the things that are really not right in my marriage as Stone Cold said - like complete lack of intimacy as said above) without telling him. But how awful to never let him have the freedom of a choice. I made all sorts of wicked decisions and in some way I feel like I must pay for them. I know it took me four months but the guilt has hit me like a wall. What have I done?

 

You did what you did. It's time to just be honest about it and let whatever happens, happen. The more you sit and worry over what you imagine may happen the more it will continue to destroy whatever bravery and strength you may have.

[Pawi]

I think that perphaps you do feel guilty, and your guilt won't ALLOW yourself to become close to him. You've built this wall of lies and deceit and it's keeping you from him.

 

I think you in so many ways are correct, I have pushed him away from me for so long and I have no ability to take care of him now, I have done so much wrong and to love him and let him in I would be able to have to know that I deserve that and that I can honor that. The deceit is in the way.

 

I've been thinking of it so much though and should I just let the guilt eat me alive? Does he need to suffer?

 

I have no words for my regret.

 

All her issues stem from the fact her spouse does not care enough or understand the importance Pawi places on it. Obviously the two have never been on the same page and frankly sex and intimacy is the overriding issue tearing this marriage apart..

 

I wish it were that simple - sexual incompatibility but it's an intimacy issue - that neither of us can tell the other openly or honestly about what we want and need without fear. We have had no trust in one another for a very long time. The sex with MM was fantastic but my sad draw to it was that I could tell him anything and everything I wanted and he was excited by it - I felt validated and safe. I was in love with MM, feelings that I am still finding my way away from, it was much more then sex to me.

 

By tossing the blame on him and walking away trying to make yourself look like a saint... that lie hurts. It hurts worse than you can imagine.

 

That feels like a pathetic out to me. To walk out the door without ever explaining anything, to never give him the freedom of the knowledge of what I've done. It has been suggested in this thread that I am a bad person, I personally know that I've acted in an deplorable and unjustifiable way but I think there is some inherent good inside of me and that I'm trying to make my pathway out of what I've done carry more virtue that I have bothered to display collectively in the past three years.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I wish it were that simple - sexual incompatibility but it's an intimacy issue - that neither of us can tell the other openly or honestly about what we want and need without fear. We have had no trust in one another for a very long time. The sex with MM was fantastic but my sad draw to it was that I could tell him anything and everything I wanted and he was excited by it - I felt validated and safe. I was in love with MM, feelings that I am still finding my way away from, it was much more then sex to me.

 

 

It is SEX/Intamacy (note SEX is bolded and capitalized) and you've repeated it again where I have highlighted it.... He was excited by sex and what you did, not talk about kids/work/family/money..... If you can't get it/find it with your husband divorce.....

[ladydesigner]

ladydesigner,

people on here don't flame you because of your advice. If I remember correctly, your H cheated and you cheated but you know he cheated and he has no idea that you did. You punished him for his cheating, made him work for you, and made him believe that your marriage problems were solely his fault.

 

People don't like your advice because it takes a very selfish person to do that to someone and we don't want to be that person. You use your H and somehow think that is ok.

 

 

If I remembered your story incorrectly than I am sorry

 

Sorry for T/J

 

Lkjh I am really not concerned whether someone approves of my advice or not:rolleyes: and I did not make my M problems solely my H's fault. We are both at fault. Anyways I'm out of this thread and infidelity section altogether, as usual it is always black or white here.

 

OP I wish you the best of luck in whatever choice you make for you and your family.

[StoneCold]

Oh yea, not telling him that she cuckolded him will make their marriage 10x better.

 

Oh yeah sure... and telling him will

[StoneCold]

 

 

 

Nope. Only the result of the issues she has. What she did isn't related to her marriage. She decided to do that on her own because her husband said no a few times.

 

Right so problems in a marriage is a one way street

 

Something is telling me this has a lot more than him saying No a few times

 

 

 

 

It's not adding salt to the wound. .

 

Oh but it is

[Chi townD]

I don't think anyone here is calling you a bad person. You've made some very BAD CHOICES. Here's a metaphor. If you tell him, you will probably have nothing left, the house you've built with him will be destroyed. All of it gone....but...there will be a foundation and whether or not your husband wants to rebuild with you...that's up to him.

 

No getting around it. You are going to hurt him to the core. You may see a "deep to the very soul" sobbing. Then the questions, questions you don't want to answer. "Why did you do this to us?" "Was he better than me?" "Is he bigger than me?" "Do you love him?" and you HAVE to be completely honest with him. Then, you're gonna see anger in him you've never seen before and you won't even recongize your own husband...Welcome to the roller coaster of emotions.

 

It's not gonna be pretty and it's not gonna be fun. But. I might be wrong. You've been in this affair for three years. He probably already suspects something, he just may not know to what extent.

[Iconoclast]

Deception, fantasy and lies got you in the hole you are in. It defies logic that it will get you out. He wants to try to reconcile. It is cruel let him continue when he does not know what he is up against.

[StoneCold]

What reality do you live in?

 

That is cowardly advice.

 

I think I'm qualified to say as a guy who has been cheated on... that it isn't the cheating that hurts.

 

No... you are only qualified to speak for YOURSELF... and if you read what I said there really is no definitive "right" answer that works for all.

 

If you want to live your life blindly by "do the right thing" without putting even an ounce of thought into what exactly you are doing/achieving within a given situation...then thats on you.

 

By tossing the blame on him and walking away trying to make yourself look like a saint... that lie hurts. It hurts worse than you can imagine.

 

 

Wait a minute hold on.....So because she cheated she isnt entitled to a grievance???? show me exactly where I said that she is tossing the blame on HIM??????? I said to tell him YOUR side of it; probably because thats all shes qualified to do. Its a two way street dude. she did her fair share of screw ups and so did he or else things wouldnt have deteriorated like this. I dont know what it is with you people that tells you that the only way you can fail or let someone down in a relationship is with sex.

 

 

I'm probably the only one actually helping here because I'm evaluating the options with her the options... playing devils advocate and looking at the pros and cons so that she can make the best decision for herself.

 

I think thats way more helpful then banging on my drums singing "do the right thing...do the right thing...."

Edited February 10, 2011 by StoneCold

[Toodamnpragmatic]

All this back and forth and the OP explained it in detail that her husband won't do what she wants in bed and this other man would and some and they had fun, oh did they have fun..... Now she no longer looks at her husband as her love, sexual partner and who she is even remotely interested in sleeping with and can't be honest anymore to tell him that.

 

Why is it so difficult to see or am I missing something?

[Pawi]

I'm probably the only one actually helping here because I'm evaluating the options with her the options... playing devils advocate and looking at the pros and cons so that she can make the best decision for herself.

 

You are being very helpful, the devils advocacy helps. It's not the way I think and you are giving me a perspective I would not normally apply.

 

I know this has to be my decision and that there is good and evil on both sides. There are principles of not doing harm, of honesty, virtue and self-determination all at play.

 

The one thing I know is that once I open my mouth to him I cannot control what happens from there. I have handed it all over and I cannot take it back. I need to be stable enough emotionally to go there so I don't join him on the ledge I place him on with the information.

 

I know if I tell the truth that I must tell the whole truth and I know that the details will kill him. I know what's done is done but I am about to hand over information about the worst things I have ever done.

 

I don't think it would help anyone's perspective but I did things that I don't think anyone would forgive, I can't believe I did them, I am ashamed and I know that writing these out absolutely make me sound selfish, immature and pathetic. I was doing the best I could with what I thought was right in those moments, under the unbelievably skewed beliefs I carried during my A my xMM has met my children, I have been on multiple vacations with him while my H stayed home caring for our children believing I was going to conferences, our youngest was conceived while I was with MM (although we have already vetted that and there is no question of paternity), MM was very generous with me (my husband has a low paying job), I faked a job and stayed overnight with MM 4-6 times a month leaving H home watching our kids overnight and I used the money xMM provided to redo things in my home, our furniture was purchased by him and so many other horrid, disrespectful and immature things. Not only will my H figuratively destroy our home upon the knowledge but he may very well literally light the entire house on fire with the knowledge.

 

The entire truth might kill us all.

[StoneCold]

All this back and forth and the OP explained it in detail that her husband won't do what she wants in bed and this other man would and some and they had fun, oh did they have fun..... Now she no longer looks at her husband as her love, sexual partner and who she is even remotely interested in sleeping with and can't be honest anymore to tell him that.

 

Why is it so difficult to see or am I missing something?

 

I dunno Prag... seems pretty straightforward to me.... only thing a little wonky is in spite of all of that she wants to fix the marriage....thats a tall tall order