Author Pawi Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 All this back and forth and the OP explained it in detail that her husband won't do what she wants in bed and this other man would and some and they had fun, oh did they have fun..... Now she no longer looks at her husband as her love, sexual partner and who she is even remotely interested in sleeping with and can't be honest anymore to tell him that. Why is it so difficult to see or am I missing something? You're missing something - my husband would not let me experience him. He had sexual interests and refused to share them with me, he pushed me away and would not let me in. I asked, begged and pleaded to have him let me know him and he refused me at every turn. It was more then just doing things it was that he could not trust me to tell me who he was and at that point I was nothing but trustworthy. He would not let me in. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenX Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 All this back and forth and the OP explained it in detail that her husband won't do what she wants in bed and this other man would and some and they had fun, oh did they have fun..... Now she no longer looks at her husband as her love, sexual partner and who she is even remotely interested in sleeping with and can't be honest anymore to tell him that. Why is it so difficult to see or am I missing something? She did say all that noted above, the reason she seeked something outside of her marriage but she also stated that it was more than just the sex. She fell in love with him. So, it at first was physical (sex) but then evolved into both physical and emotional (love). She not only engaged in sex with this person but took her heart from her husband and gave it to this other man. She removed the love (if any were left before engaging in the affair) and gave it to the other man. I'm wondering (as someone else pointed out earlier) if the OM's W didn't find out and extinguish the affair, would you two still be together? This is a very important question. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I am ashamed and I know that writing these out absolutely make me sound selfish, immature and pathetic. You sound human... we all fall down... just make sure you get up RIGHT and learn from your experiences Link to post Share on other sites
GreenX Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 You're missing something - my husband would not let me experience him. He had sexual interests and refused to share them with me, he pushed me away and would not let me in. I asked, begged and pleaded to have him let me know him and he refused me at every turn. It was more then just doing things it was that he could not trust me to tell me who he was and at that point I was nothing but trustworthy. He would not let me in. I'm so utterly confused by this. DId he go outside of your marriage to engage in sexual fantasies he had and left you out? Or, were these fantasies that he had in his head that possibly didn't feel right acting out on? Maybe it was a moral issue? Maybe he felt, I don't know, dirty? I'm a bit lost here. I apologize.. I'm just trying to figure it out. Did he cut you off completely of sex? Or did you two still 'make love'? Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 You're missing something - my husband would not let me experience him. He had sexual interests and refused to share them with me, he pushed me away and would not let me in. I asked, begged and pleaded to have him let me know him and he refused me at every turn. It was more then just doing things it was that he could not trust me to tell me who he was and at that point I was nothing but trustworthy. He would not let me in. And guess what????? I blame your husband..... He was the one who did nothing, could not process your feelings, the pain, the desire or care about your needs. I am pretty darn adamant in these cases that while I do not condone cheating, I certainly do not fault the ws, when the other spouse completely ignores pleads. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pawi Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 If the OM's W didn't find out and extinguish the affair, would you two still be together? As much as I do not regret that the end came the answer is yes we would. I had no plans to terminate the affair. I was very much in love with (and addicted to) him - I had him on a pedestal that only recently came crashing down. I would have left for him, it would have ended miserably but that is horrific the truth. I gave all of my love to a man who did not deserve it and gave none to a man who was just trying to love me in the only way he knew how. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenX Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 And guess what????? I blame your husband..... He was the one who did nothing, could not process your feelings, the pain, the desire or care about your needs. I am pretty darn adamant in these cases that while I do not condone cheating, I certainly do not fault the ws, when the other spouse completely ignores pleads. I don't know.. I personally still feel that if this were a breaking point for her, if she really felt neglected, then she should have put everything out on the table and said something along the lines of 'this is the way things are going to be, take it or I'm walking' and move on from there. It does not allow her to engage in an affair, for 3 years. Again, we don't know the extent of his fantasies that he didn't allow her to know about. It could be something completely off the wall that he wasn't comfortable with himself and felt wierd about and didn't want her thinking less of him. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 And guess what????? I blame your husband..... He was the one who did nothing, could not process your feelings, the pain, the desire or care about your needs. I am pretty darn adamant in these cases that while I do not condone cheating, I certainly do not fault the ws, when the other spouse completely ignores pleads. Yup. well I would put blame for this failed marriage on both ends...But he's certainly no "doe in the woods"; he certainly played his part. You have to take responsibility for what you do AND also for what you choose not to do. A spouse BEGS for a certain type of attention and not even the slightest bit of effort to meet half way from the other spouse... that to me is cheating as well.... he cheated you of something that was important to you.... he cheated, she cheated... its a marriage of cheating Pendulum swings both ways people Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pawi Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 I'm so utterly confused by this. DId he go outside of your marriage to engage in sexual fantasies he had and left you out? Or, were these fantasies that he had in his head that possibly didn't feel right acting out on? Maybe it was a moral issue? Maybe he felt, I don't know, dirty? I'm a bit lost here. I apologize.. I'm just trying to figure it out. Did he cut you off completely of sex? Or did you two still 'make love'? No, he described having no fantasies whatsoever but then had a private email account that I found just a month into our marriage. In it were a thousand emails of pictures - pornography (which I had NO issue with him looking at). In each email were his comments about the pictures and the act, "Yummy, so hot, yes take that tight hole, etc" I opened myself up to him to talk about it and I had myself wanted to do many of those acts and been told that they were gross and he didn't want to. I tried and tried to get him to open up to me why he could do this in email form but not engage with me sexually. He told me that sex is easier with someone you do not love and that he respects me too much to do those things with me. I tried to let it go but the sex was very infrequent and completely unsatisfying. If I asked him to do something particular, needed lube or touched myself it was taken as an offense and he would pull away and say I had hurt him. We wouldn't touch again for months. I always initiated sex and despite all of this he would actually tell me that he thought we had a great sex life. It was delusional. The night over three years ago that I asked him to try something specific and he told me that I was gross and wrong and that he couldn't do that was my breaking point. I had needs, desires and wants. I tried endlessly to share them with him and to understand his and he shut me out 100%. Now many days too late, many lifetimes far away from those moments he's telling me that he may have been wrong and that he's grown a lot and would be willing to try some things. It feels all too wrong, too late and out of nowhere. I shut him out years ago, I do not trust him sexually and I don't feel safe to share myself with him in that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodamnpragmatic Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 No, he described having no fantasies whatsoever but then had a private email account that I found just a month into our marriage. In it were a thousand emails of pictures - pornography (which I had NO issue with him looking at). In each email were his comments about the pictures and the act, "Yummy, so hot, yes take that tight hole, etc" I opened myself up to him to talk about it and I had myself wanted to do many of those acts and been told that they were gross and he didn't want to. I tried and tried to get him to open up to me why he could do this in email form but not engage with me sexually. He told me that sex is easier with someone you do not love and that he respects me too much to do those things with me. I tried to let it go but the sex was very infrequent and completely unsatisfying. If I asked him to do something particular, needed lube or touched myself it was taken as an offense and he would pull away and say I had hurt him. We wouldn't touch again for months. I always initiated sex and despite all of this he would actually tell me that he thought we had a great sex life. It was delusional. The night over three years ago that I asked him to try something specific and he told me that I was gross and wrong and that he couldn't do that was my breaking point. I had needs, desires and wants. I tried endlessly to share them with him and to understand his and he shut me out 100%. Now many days too late, many lifetimes far away from those moments he's telling me that he may have been wrong and that he's grown a lot and would be willing to try some things. It feels all too wrong, too late and out of nowhere. I shut him out years ago, I do not trust him sexually and I don't feel safe to share myself with him in that way. Now the MC can begin if you want to save the marriage (and he too need IC). As for telling him everything about the affair, you can't if you want to save this marriage...... Oh and it is all about SEX...... Not surprised...... Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 No, he described having no fantasies whatsoever but then had a private email account that I found just a month into our marriage. In it were a thousand emails of pictures - pornography (which I had NO issue with him looking at). In each email were his comments about the pictures and the act, "Yummy, so hot, yes take that tight hole, etc" I opened myself up to him to talk about it and I had myself wanted to do many of those acts and been told that they were gross and he didn't want to. I tried and tried to get him to open up to me why he could do this in email form but not engage with me sexually. He told me that sex is easier with someone you do not love and that he respects me too much to do those things with me. I tried to let it go but the sex was very infrequent and completely unsatisfying. If I asked him to do something particular, needed lube or touched myself it was taken as an offense and he would pull away and say I had hurt him. We wouldn't touch again for months. I always initiated sex and despite all of this he would actually tell me that he thought we had a great sex life. It was delusional. The night over three years ago that I asked him to try something specific and he told me that I was gross and wrong and that he couldn't do that was my breaking point. I had needs, desires and wants. I tried endlessly to share them with him and to understand his and he shut me out 100%. Now many days too late, many lifetimes far away from those moments he's telling me that he may have been wrong and that he's grown a lot and would be willing to try some things. It feels all too wrong, too late and out of nowhere. I shut him out years ago, I do not trust him sexually and I don't feel safe to share myself with him in that way. I think you gave your husband too much credit in past posts.... Something is clearly up on his end as well. - Secret email accounts full of porn...... so he hasnt lost interest in sex - Sounds like he is communicating with someone about the porn Of course he might have a thing for choking the chicken but.. - Very defensive Pawi.... its KILLING ME.... what is it? the fetish... the thing hes into Link to post Share on other sites
GreenX Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 No, he described having no fantasies whatsoever but then had a private email account that I found just a month into our marriage. In it were a thousand emails of pictures - pornography (which I had NO issue with him looking at). In each email were his comments about the pictures and the act, "Yummy, so hot, yes take that tight hole, etc" I opened myself up to him to talk about it and I had myself wanted to do many of those acts and been told that they were gross and he didn't want to. I tried and tried to get him to open up to me why he could do this in email form but not engage with me sexually. He told me that sex is easier with someone you do not love and that he respects me too much to do those things with me. I tried to let it go but the sex was very infrequent and completely unsatisfying. If I asked him to do something particular, needed lube or touched myself it was taken as an offense and he would pull away and say I had hurt him. We wouldn't touch again for months. I always initiated sex and despite all of this he would actually tell me that he thought we had a great sex life. It was delusional. The night over three years ago that I asked him to try something specific and he told me that I was gross and wrong and that he couldn't do that was my breaking point. I had needs, desires and wants. I tried endlessly to share them with him and to understand his and he shut me out 100%. Now many days too late, many lifetimes far away from those moments he's telling me that he may have been wrong and that he's grown a lot and would be willing to try some things. It feels all too wrong, too late and out of nowhere. I shut him out years ago, I do not trust him sexually and I don't feel safe to share myself with him in that way. wow.. ok, so I can totally understand now how you felt left out. He could look at these things in secret, even comment on them, and I'm sure he 'pleasured' himself in the process.. but, once found out, he wouldn't do these things with you because you were not, how to word it, naughty enough, so-to-speak. I'm sure there are other ways to express it better but that's what came to mind. He separates kinky-hot sex from his wife, which should be passion/love. I think him doing that was horrible too.. because you were interested and he rejected you. I get why you're (were) upset by that. I too would be pissed off. He should have been willing to share those things with you too. It's almost like when you're a teenager and your parent(s) catch you smoking or drinking.. he has that mindset that 'it's bad, I can't let them see this' - he doesn't (or didn't) get that this is completely normal to many people.. why do you think the sex industry makes so much dang $$$! I don't know.. what's the best route for you two. I can understand that him being that way could sway your decision to find it outside of your marriage. But I still feel that it didn't need to happen the way it did. If anything, you laying the law out first would have been the best way to of handled it. If he bit, good, if not, well, then you both should have moved on and found people better fit for each other. I'm gonna side with the ones saying not to tell now.. after reading more. That is, if you decide to leave the marriage. No sense on letting him know. I however feel and will always feel no matter the circumstances that if you do decide to remain in the marriage that he must know all the facts.. just as you must know everything too (his closet porn). I wish you the best of luck Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 wow.. ok, so I can totally understand now how you felt left out. He could look at these things in secret, even comment on them, and I'm sure he 'pleasured' himself in the process.. but, once found out, he wouldn't do these things with you because you were not, how to word it, naughty enough, so-to-speak. I'm sure there are other ways to express it better but that's what came to mind. He separates kinky-hot sex from his wife, which should be passion/love. I think him doing that was horrible too.. because you were interested and he rejected you. I get why you're (were) upset by that. I too would be pissed off. He should have been willing to share those things with you too. It's almost like when you're a teenager and your parent(s) catch you smoking or drinking.. he has that mindset that 'it's bad, I can't let them see this' - he doesn't (or didn't) get that this is completely normal to many people.. why do you think the sex industry makes so much dang $$$! I don't know.. what's the best route for you two. I can understand that him being that way could sway your decision to find it outside of your marriage. But I still feel that it didn't need to happen the way it did. If anything, you laying the law out first would have been the best way to of handled it. If he bit, good, if not, well, then you both should have moved on and found people better fit for each other. I'm gonna side with the ones saying not to tell now.. after reading more. That is, if you decide to leave the marriage. No sense on letting him know. I however feel and will always feel no matter the circumstances that if you do decide to remain in the marriage that he must know all the facts.. just as you must know everything too (his closet porn). I wish you the best of luck Another one puts down the drum sticks Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 wow, okay...yeah. Not only cheating, but going on vacation and weekend getaways with this guy? Furniture in the house was bought with this guys money? Yeah, your husband is gonna go ballistic.... What you described that your husband did was not totally uncommon with men. Certain sexual acts can be looked upon as degrading and why would he want to degrade the woman that he loves? No problem looking at sites or women that he has no attachment to, but seeing his wife in those acts would have seemed wrong to him. What you SHOULD have done was sit down and talk to him. I mean REALLY talk to him. Like, "We have to see someone and get this resolved or YOU'RE GONNA LOSE ME!" Sometimes, a nice slap in the face statement will awake someone up! Link to post Share on other sites
GreenX Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 :bunny: Another one puts down the drum sticks I was just confused with what it was he wasn't sharing with her.. until she unleashed his 'naughty-hidden' side I wasn't sure what to think. Link to post Share on other sites
30Years Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Pawi, Please go see a clinical psychologist or a licensed marriage counselor before you make a decision whether or not to tell your husband. You owe it to your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Pawi, Please go see a clinical psychologist or a licensed marriage counselor before you make a decision whether or not to tell your husband. You owe it to your children. Now that we know "the rest of the story" (RIP Paul Harvey), I agree with this completely. This is beyond your infidelity...there are other major issues here that need to be addressed outside of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 And guess what????? I blame your husband..... He was the one who did nothing, could not process your feelings, the pain, the desire or care about your needs. I am pretty darn adamant in these cases that while I do not condone cheating, I certainly do not fault the ws, when the other spouse completely ignores pleads. Oh yea so it's all his fault she decided to be selfish and complicate her marital issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Oh yeah sure... and telling him will Better than not telling him. What if she caught an STD? Oh right just keep quiet about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pawi Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 Pawi, Please go see a clinical psychologist or a licensed marriage counselor before you make a decision whether or not to tell your husband. You owe it to your children. I am, and have been for the past four months. The first few months I was so fixated on my own grief over AP that I couldn't see clearly. It's only now that the fog is clearing that I can begin to deal with what I've done and what will now come of this. My therapists feeling on it is that at this moment unless I am 100% into doing everything to save my marriage that I should sit down, shut up and hold my tongue. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Right so problems in a marriage is a one way street Right and those words came out of my mouth. Something is telling me this has a lot more than him saying No a few times No it isn't. Because she couldn't handle rejection and just separate/divorce the man, she decided to cheat. She acted on impulse like all cheaters do. Oh but it is ..... Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 She did say all that noted above, the reason she seeked something outside of her marriage but she also stated that it was more than just the sex. She fell in love with him. What she had was no real love. Nothing but lust and selfishness. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 (and he too need IC). She needs the IC. As for telling him everything about the affair, you can't if you want to save this marriage...... So he has no right to know his wife was selfish and unfaithful? That she put his life at risk sexually? That's doing nothing but destroying it even more. Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 This is nothing beyond her infidelity. All of her marital issues are canceled since she decided to cheat and she's not even remorseful for her actions. She put a man's life at risk and did even more degrading things with her OM, such as putting things in their home with that POS's money. If she even wants a chance at saving her marriage, all needs to come clean and she better be ready to deal with his anger for a long time and be prepared when he decides to no longer want to stay any longer. Her marital issues could've been solved or she should've divorced. All I see here is someone who's trying to cover their own butt for their inexcusable decisions, and not willing to do anything right for a change. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 and live a lie. Staying in a marriage where there's no honesty, no trust and each spouse is pushing each other away. Yep, sounds like good advice! Link to post Share on other sites
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