Moving Forward - do I tell?

[Pawi]

and live a lie. Staying in a marriage where there's no honesty, no trust and each spouse is pushing each other away. Yep, sounds like good advice!

 

The exact reason I was asking here, I know just as the affair was my decision that what I do now is mine but I know my heart says tell, my head may scream to shut up but I think I know the direction I have to go in.

[StoneCold]

and live a lie. Staying in a marriage where there's no honesty, no trust and each spouse is pushing each other away. Yep, sounds like good advice!

 

what do you do for a living chi town.

 

I think the advice the Therapist gave is reasonable...if shes not 100% into saving this then whats the point of telling?

Edited February 11, 2011 by StoneCold

[Chi townD]

I agree, the OP is pretty vague on her intention. Does she want her marriage and her husband or does she want to move on?

 

My degree is in the medical field, but I work as an academic. College professor and Clinical Director.

 

All I'm saying is that if she doesn't tell him, she will always carry that guilt and it could hinder any growth in the marriage. Plus, shouldn't her husband have the choice to make decisions about the direction his life is taking him? Now, I'm not saying he's a Saint by any means. But, I believe he has the right to know what's going on in his marriage.

[Binster]

Sounds to me like the husband doesn't want to be told, maybe he has more of an idea of whats been going on than he's leting on.

 

People that have been together a long time pick up on the way each other act he could have followed up with a keylogger etc, Who knows.

Also if the kids have met this guy-well you know what kids can be like blabing about mums nice friend.

 

I just dont think he needs to know all the details, maybe say it was a fling then split or work on things.

I honestly think if you tell him all the things you've put on this thread it would destroy the guy.

[Untouchable_Fire]

That feels like a pathetic out to me. To walk out the door without ever explaining anything, to never give him the freedom of the knowledge of what I've done. It has been suggested in this thread that I am a bad person, I personally know that I've acted in an deplorable and unjustifiable way but I think there is some inherent good inside of me and that I'm trying to make my pathway out of what I've done carry more virtue that I have bothered to display collectively in the past three years.

 

Good people do bad things sometimes, and bad people do good things sometimes. The real difference between good and bad people is how they react after doing something wrong.

 

You have the time to weigh your options and decide what kind of person you want to be.

 

I know this has to be my decision and that there is good and evil on both sides. There are principles of not doing harm, of honesty, virtue and self-determination all at play.

The one thing I know is that once I open my mouth to him I cannot control what happens from there. I have handed it all over and I cannot take it back. I need to be stable enough emotionally to go there so I don't join him on the ledge I place him on with the information.

I know if I tell the truth that I must tell the whole truth and I know that the details will kill him. I know what's done is done but I am about to hand over information about the worst things I have ever done.

The entire truth might kill us all.

 

Do you believe that you are required to tell him every tiny detail?

 

Personally I think he just needs the big picture, and leave it at that.

 

My therapists feeling on it is that at this moment unless I am 100% into doing everything to save my marriage that I should sit down, shut up and hold my tongue.

 

Did your therapist explain his or her feelings on this?

 

The exact reason I was asking here, I know just as the affair was my decision that what I do now is mine but I know my heart says tell, my head may scream to shut up but I think I know the direction I have to go in.

 

You have to get your heart and head on the same page. Therapy should be helping with that... not making it worse.

[Untouchable_Fire]

What reality do you live in?

No... you are only qualified to speak for YOURSELF... and if you read what I said there really is no definitive "right" answer that works for all.

If you want to live your life blindly by "do the right thing" without putting even an ounce of thought into what exactly you are doing/achieving within a given situation...then thats on you.

 

This situation requires action not more fence sitting. Her moral code is not that ambiguous... so she already knows what needs to be done.

 

I don't need to beat her over the head with what she has done. This woman knows right from wrong and clearly has a heart. She just needs to grow a pair and take action.

 

Much of the pain and suffering in these situations comes from sitting on the fence, and from fear of change. She needs to know that it's not that bad. That the future holds great things for her... she just needs to be brave enough and strong enough to reach for it.

 

Wait a minute hold on.....So because she cheated she isnt entitled to a grievance???? show me exactly where I said that she is tossing the blame on HIM??????? I said to tell him YOUR side of it; probably because thats all shes qualified to do. Its a two way street dude. she did her fair share of screw ups and so did he or else things wouldnt have deteriorated like this. I dont know what it is with you people that tells you that the only way you can fail or let someone down in a relationship is with sex.

 

If you tell someone "I cheated on you... and here is why you suck", you are clearly putting the blame on them. Cheating is not the response to relationship issues.

 

If you want to address relationship problems do that at a separate day and time... Period. It's a completely different discussion.

 

I'm probably the only one actually helping here because I'm evaluating the options with her the options... playing devils advocate and looking at the pros and cons so that she can make the best decision for herself.

I think thats way more helpful then banging on my drums singing "do the right thing...do the right thing...."

 

So instead you bang on your drums singing "do the wrong thing..." ad naseum?

 

Stop being contrary just to be different and start giving good advice.

 

Here are the important keys.

 

1. She did something SHE feels bad about and needs that fixed.

2. Her marriage is passionless and her Husband is kinda sketch... that needs to be fixed.

 

I suggest that you advise she take action.

[StoneCold]

This situation requires action not more fence sitting.

 

This situation requires action yes... but its not time sensitive to a few days or even a week. I'm not talking about sitting on the fence... I'm talking about using your head before you decide which side to get off on.

 

Her moral code is not that ambiguous... so she already knows what needs to be done.

 

Really?... then why is she here

 

 

 

 

 

If you tell someone "I cheated on you... and here is why you suck", you are clearly putting the blame on them. Cheating is not the response to relationship issues.

 

If thats the way you want to see i then thats on you. If you read what I said (clearly you didnt) you'd know that I was saying for her to focus on the real problems and not mention the cheating. If someone said to me... "heres why I'm leaving" I wouldnt necessarily take it as her putting it on me. I'll take it as HER Grievances.

 

and yes... for many (not all) cheating can be a response to relationship issues. It really depends... In her case... I totally see it. He completely and utterly rejected her despite her efforts to reach out and literally BEG (I cant believe that) for a resolution.

 

 

 

So instead you bang on your drums singing "do the wrong thing..." ad naseum?

 

Ok ... so in your world doing the wrong thing means putting some thought into what you do BEFORE you do it? Wow, you are a potentially very dangerous person.

 

She already did that and look where it got her? and now you are telling her to repeat her mistakes???? wowsers

 

Stop being contrary just to be different and start giving good advice.

 

OK... I'll toe your line... "OP dont use your brain before you act and repeat your mistakes"

 

there...happy?

 

Here are the important keys.

 

1. She did something SHE feels bad about and needs that fixed.

2. Her marriage is passionless and her Husband is kinda sketch... that needs to be fixed.

 

 

..... well?.... I'm waiting.

 

Oh what the hell.....Aaaaand

 

3.She doesnt know how to fix it

 

Thats a crucial one

[whammy]

No, he described having no fantasies whatsoever but then had a private email account that I found just a month into our marriage. In it were a thousand emails of pictures - pornography (which I had NO issue with him looking at). In each email were his comments about the pictures and the act, "Yummy, so hot, yes take that tight hole, etc" I opened myself up to him to talk about it and I had myself wanted to do many of those acts and been told that they were gross and he didn't want to. I tried and tried to get him to open up to me why he could do this in email form but not engage with me sexually. He told me that sex is easier with someone you do not love and that he respects me too much to do those things with me. I tried to let it go but the sex was very infrequent and completely unsatisfying. If I asked him to do something particular, needed lube or touched myself it was taken as an offense and he would pull away and say I had hurt him. We wouldn't touch again for months. I always initiated sex and despite all of this he would actually tell me that he thought we had a great sex life. It was delusional. The night over three years ago that I asked him to try something specific and he told me that I was gross and wrong and that he couldn't do that was my breaking point. I had needs, desires and wants. I tried endlessly to share them with him and to understand his and he shut me out 100%. Now many days too late, many lifetimes far away from those moments he's telling me that he may have been wrong and that he's grown a lot and would be willing to try some things. It feels all too wrong, too late and out of nowhere. I shut him out years ago, I do not trust him sexually and I don't feel safe to share myself with him in that way.

 

but you felt safe enough with a stranger from the internet?

 

my guess onthe sexual fetish is that you wanted to f*ck him with a strap on. am i right? I wouldnt let my wife do that to me either but I would let her do it to someone else if she really had the need for it.

 

 

anyway, good luck with this as it seems like one big trainwreck

[StoneCold]

but you felt safe enough with a stranger from the internet?

 

 

 

I guess that goes to illustrate how bad it was for her

[Iconoclast]

Pawi. A question.( I've also read your thread in the cesspool (om/ow) ). Wow.

 

So ... if you had read your story, coming from someone else, what would your advice to them be?

[Distant78]

I guess that goes to illustrate how bad it was for her

 

It wasn't too bad if she decided to cheat and continue to keep this from her H.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

but you felt safe enough with a stranger from the internet?

 

my guess onthe sexual fetish is that you wanted to f*ck him with a strap on. am i right? I wouldnt let my wife do that to me either but I would let her do it to someone else if she really had the need for it.

 

 

anyway, good luck with this as it seems like one big trainwreck

 

Anyone who turns to porn and lives out kinks when they have a willing partner in bed deserves what they get (ok maybe not)......

 

Now I too want to know what was so naughty..... I imagine she wanted anal (sorry for the language)..... Really enlighten us.

 

Sorry like anything I draw a line in the sand..... There is a point that I won't cross and from the OP's lack of disclosure through this whole thread until I know, can I make an honest evaluation.

 

Geez as I said 3 pages ago it was all about sex and until the OP admitted it, nothing was being discussed on the thread.

[Distant78]

Anyone who turns to porn and lives out kinks when they have a willing partner in bed deserves what they get (ok maybe not)......

 

From the intel, he wasn't "living out the kinks," and she's the one who not only looked at kinky stuff online, but found an outside partner to do those things with. If anyone's an idiot it's not her husband nor did he deserve to be cheated on.

[Lil1]

You can ask a million people what you should do but only you know in your own heart what you will do. You dont want to go through the consequences of what being honest at this point will bring. Your husband and your children will never look at you in the same loving way and you know that. Sounds to me like you are a pretty selfish person so you will probably never divulge the entire truth to your husband and face up to your dishonesty.

[Distant78]

You can ask a million people what you should do but only you know in your own heart what you will do. You dont want to go through the consequences of what being honest at this point will bring. Your husband and your children will never look at you in the same loving way and you know that. Sounds to me like you are a pretty selfish person so you will probably never divulge the entire truth to your husband and face up to your dishonesty.

 

Exactly. Instead of being a mature adult and divorce the guy she cheats on him.

[StoneCold]

It wasn't too bad if she decided to cheat and continue to keep this from her H.

 

[StoneCold]

Your husband and your children will never look at you in the same loving way and you know that. Sounds to me like you are a pretty selfish person so you will probably never divulge the entire truth to your husband and face up to your dishonesty.

 

The Husband part... sure thats a given... but that may have been done a long time ago.

 

As for the kids... you dont know that all

 

OP... Dont let these people "guilt" you into doing something because they read too many story books. You have your information...make the call... just make sure you use your brain

[Iconoclast]

Dont let these people "guilt" you into doing something because they read too many story books.

 

You give very foolish advice. It is harmful.

[StoneCold]

You give very foolish advice. It is harmful.

 

Thinking before you act versus your what? blind action? ... yeah thats foolish

 

What planet do you people live on??

 

lol I was warned about the cult like party lines here

Edited February 12, 2011 by StoneCold

[Jonah]

If you want to rip the hearts out of your husband and children, then come clean.

 

If you want to spare them the pain, keep your mouth shut.

 

THAT's the way it is.

 

Yes this is accurate. Confess to God and another human being like a counselor and clergyman. You nor your family needs a big drama over a moot point.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes this is accurate. Confess to God and another human being like a counselor and clergyman. You nor your family needs a big drama over a moot point.

 

 

That is not what the word of God says. It says for those you have sinned against, you go to them confess and try to make it right. If OP doesn't want to confess is only for selfish reasons.

[whammy]

Anyone who turns to porn and lives out kinks when they have a willing partner in bed deserves what they get (ok maybe not)......

 

Now I too want to know what was so naughty..... I imagine she wanted anal (sorry for the language)..... Really enlighten us.

 

I doubt she wanted anal. what guy wouldn't f*ck their wife in the a$$ if she was begging for it? that would be awesome... she said it was something most guys find gross. I think she was the one that wanted to be "on top" in the anal situation.

 

Im just guessing, but I am pretty sure that using a strap on is the sexual fantasy that started this whole thing. but in another post the OP she thought her OM was a big strong man. haha, at what point while he was on his hands and knees while you were pounding him in his a$$ did you think he was a "big strong man?" that should have been your first clue.

 

 

when it comes to giving you serious advice...you should 100%, no doubt about it...tell him everything. every single detail. the vacations, the furniture in the house, everything...and you should also tell him that you dont love him because it is obvious that you dont. what kind of woman goes on vacation with a man while her husband is clueless and taking care of her children? what kind of woman brings furniture that another man bought her into her husbands house??? Ill tell you what kind...not a bad woman...just the kind of women that doesnt value love, marriage, and that kind of lifestyle above her desires. There is nothing wrong with your life style...you should be allowed to be any kind of woman that you want...but you have been hurting people with it...and your doing it on purpose. YES YOU DID ALL THIS...CREATED ALL THIS PAIN....BETRAYED YOUR HUSBAND AND CHILDREN ON PURPOSE!!! get out and live the life you want. you should be able to use a strap-on on as many guys as you want and put all their furniture in your house...but not at the expense of people that care about you. honesty, loyalty and integrity and valuing the people that care about you dont seem to be apart of your makeup and that is fine...but you just need to live a life where your lack of these traits dont bring them down.

 

You should also think about the children. I am not trying to hurt you with my words. but should you really have custody of them in the event of a divorce? do you really think it is better for them? I get the feeling that you can live just fine without them in your life everyday...youve already done it. But from what I have read about your husband (even with whatever he contributed to the actions you took). maybe they are better off with him everyday. and maybe their interactions with you are better if you put everything into being a great mom when you have them for the weekend or whatever. like being a great mom 15% of the time as opposed to living a double life where your sexual and personal desires are at the forefront of your existence when they are in your care 100% of the time. I am not saying that your a bad person. But you have already proven you put sexual and personal desires well above the life you share with your children and husband. that is the truth you need to face it.

 

do you really, after all this, think that your the kind of person that can go back to wife and mother lifestyle...you probably know yourself better then ever now and need to face the truth...

Edited February 12, 2011 by whammy

[Toodamnpragmatic]

No use making conjecture of what it maybe.....

 

Here is the line from the OP:

 

Three years ago I asked him to try something with me - I felt that I was being very brave to ask him and his unfortunate reply was that the idea of the act (not something most men wouldn't enjoy) was gross.

 

She said wouldn't indicating most men would like to do it. Just recently in Marriage & Life Partnerships a male posted he was disgusted his GF did anal and was ready to break-up with her over that. Others agreed and supported him...... So don't be shocked if it is something you think is trivial.

 

In any case, I steadfastly say she can't come 100% clean if she at all wants to save the marriage. There is just too much there.

Edited February 12, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[dreamingoftigers]

No, he described having no fantasies whatsoever but then had a private email account that I found just a month into our marriage. In it were a thousand emails of pictures - pornography (which I had NO issue with him looking at). In each email were his comments about the pictures and the act, "Yummy, so hot, yes take that tight hole, etc" I opened myself up to him to talk about it and I had myself wanted to do many of those acts and been told that they were gross and he didn't want to. I tried and tried to get him to open up to me why he could do this in email form but not engage with me sexually. He told me that sex is easier with someone you do not love and that he respects me too much to do those things with me. I tried to let it go but the sex was very infrequent and completely unsatisfying. If I asked him to do something particular, needed lube or touched myself it was taken as an offense and he would pull away and say I had hurt him. We wouldn't touch again for months. I always initiated sex and despite all of this he would actually tell me that he thought we had a great sex life. It was delusional. The night over three years ago that I asked him to try something specific and he told me that I was gross and wrong and that he couldn't do that was my breaking point. I had needs, desires and wants. I tried endlessly to share them with him and to understand his and he shut me out 100%. Now many days too late, many lifetimes far away from those moments he's telling me that he may have been wrong and that he's grown a lot and would be willing to try some things. It feels all too wrong, too late and out of nowhere. I shut him out years ago, I do not trust him sexually and I don't feel safe to share myself with him in that way.

 

OMG except for the part where my H would be willing to try some things, this is almost exactly what he has been putting me through! I have considered the A route many times just to get laid, and laid the way I finally want to!

 

I don't know whether you should tell or not, but if you did, if your H is at all like mine, he probably won't be surprised and would've known it was coming.

[Pawi]

Explaining this has no context on my issue at hand but for your voyeristic pleasure I may as well say this.

 

Wow...you guys really are thinking kinky. Let me go ahead and state that my husbands little email account thing was now 8 years ago, and what he was looking at wasn't a fetish at all....it was simply women touching themselves and being open sexually, while I desired anal sex (and he thought it was appalling) that wasn't it. I wanted to let him enjoy seeing me touch myself and he found it too intimidating and felt that it meant he couldn't satisfy me. My request for anal sex is what he said he found too disrespectful.

 

And the kicker...the thing I looked for with xMM? I was lactating at the time and my H had me keep my bra on during sex, he wasn't too fond of the milk. I put myself out there and told him that I thought a little milk play might be sexy and he said it was gross, I was gross and that he just couldn't do it. That was seven months before I started my A, during that time I continually told him that I felt like his critique was a wound for me and our sex life plummeted to nothing. I felt ashamed for ever having asked him. With xMM it was something he desired and it turned into an adult nursing relationship....and now I'm glad this is anonymous.