Moving Forward - do I tell?

[Pawi]

And in no way do I blame my marital issues for my actions. I blame my inability to actually tell my husband that the lack of chemistry and sexual compatibility was very damaging and that I didn't know if I could remain in that marriage any longer. Instead I scapegoated and had an affair. From there it spiraled out of control, I gave all my allegiance to my AP and forgot I even had any responsibility to my marriage. I lied to everyone including myself to attempt that all was okay. My issue in the here and now is that my H and I get along on day to day stuff and we have two children. I feel stuck in a catch 22.

 

As far as I see it I have a few options:

 

1) Do not tell, go to MC and attempt to resolve long-standing intimacy issues. See if I can deal with the guilt on my own and never let him know.

 

2) Tell him of the affair openly and honestly and watch him sob, vomit and go ballistic prior to kicking me out.

 

3) Tell him parts of the affair in an attempt to give us some measure of honesty and go to MC trying to resolve things. (This seems like a crap idea, what's the point of hurting him but not being honest enough to give him the choice of freedom)

 

4) Acknowledge that our sexual issues will not be resolved without resolving our intimacy issues and that our intimacy issues will not be resolved without honesty and choose to walk away because I do not have the ability to work on this marriage without telling him. (also seems like an easy out...my kids will just blame me forever for not trying)

 

5) Do not tell initially, go to MC and attempt to resolve long-standing intimacy issues. Depending on if we seem to be making progress or not I can decide to tell or not. I would choose not to tell if it was obvious we were not going to be able to resolve any of our issues.

 

Personally I feel that my children deserve for us to have a loving marriage or minimally peaceful divorce. My husband deserves some free will and self-determination and I deserve whatever comes to me.

[Pawi]

I doubt she wanted anal. what guy wouldn't f*ck their wife in the a$$ if she was begging for it? that would be awesome... she said it was something most guys find gross. I think she was the one that wanted to be "on top" in the anal situation.

 

Wow...kind of an awesome conclusion to jump to but so not it.

[Albertan]

.... it turned into an adult nursing relationship....and now I'm glad this is anonymous.

 

Wow. Just wow!!!!!

 

Your H sounds sexually repressed and my own perspective that my wife is the person I WANT to share myself with and there maybe things that she may want to try and do that I am not 100% with but she is my wife, and hell, why not? It goes the other way too.

 

Obviously you and H are on completely separate pages when it comes to the issue of sex and that is something that really needs to be addressed and he needs to stop living in the 50s somewhat and perhaps you need the patience to help him get there.

 

All that said, I was on the fence whether you should tell him or not about the affair but having read your latest post I don't think you should.

[Albertan]

Pawi - your posts are intelligent, insightful and genuinely interesting to read. It's heartening to see the self-reflection you have and seem to have a grasp of what the future will hold depending on what decision you make (based on your own list of options).

 

Do you think your H will ever meet your needs with intimacy (not just sex)? I agree, that if you are going to tell about the affair then you really need to tell everything. Leaving stuff out, outright lying and omission will lead to years and years of questions and doubt. Do you think your or your H could really take that?

 

In my opinion, at this stage of the game I think option 4 is your best bet for everyone involved. I really hope you the best in whatever decision you make - keep us posted!

[Pawi]

what is this ..... justification for your A ...? nonsense.

 

You would have had to actually read other posts to grasp that in no way is this justification for my affair.

[lkjh]

Look there are a lot of people giving advice on here and most of it is non-sense. Cheating is a choice, you are a grown adult and you made the choice to sacrifice your family for a little action on the side. That is what you did and now you have to make another choice. So, far every decision you have made has been a selfish one. You may not realize it but you do attempt to put blame on your H for your affair. By stating he said your request were disgusting you are trying to narrow the gap of responsibility.

 

 

In life you have to make sacrifices. No one person can ever meet all the needs of another person. Most get this but you did not. You wanted the pleasures of being married but you weren't willing to sacrifice anything, not even a sexual fantasy.

 

 

Most of the people that say what you have done is no big deal and to keep quite have a selfish mentality. People like that are the ones that get divorced two or three times in a life for whatever reason. They do not understand what it means to truly have other people rely on them. They are people are not reliable

 

Those options you laid out are flat out buls***

 

You have two options

 

1. is to divorce and keep your mouth shut

 

2. if you want to give your marriage a chance you have to come clean

 

 

If you try an work it out without being honest than you will always be a selfish person who uses your H's as a safety net.

 

You cannot give him partial truth because eventually he will figure other parts out and you will try an lie your way out of those parts. Nothing sucks more than trickle truth.

[Iconoclast]

Pawi

 

So how many people know of this? You have the OM, his BS and you.

You already denied the BS the truth, she may very well at some point come looking for more info. If she can track you down, she can track your husband down.

This happens.

 

The OM may decide to give up on his marriage and come looking for you again. He could easily drop the bomb on your husband to free you up.

This happens also.

 

So tell me what happens when, he finds out from a source other than you, what really went on?

 

The best course of action is to tell him the truth. And by that, I mean expose the affair to him. You don't have to tell all the details, but you must make that knowledge available if he asks. Some guys want to know how many hairs he has on his balls, and some guys just want to know it happened and be spared the details.

 

God, don't trickle truth him. It makes it much worse, as he can never trust you again.

 

Whether you remain together or not you are connected and will have to deal with him at least until your children are adults.

 

The only way to truly reconcile is for him to get to a place where he can forgive you. For that, he needs to know what he is forgiving.

 

I think your husband is a very foolish person, he sidelined you for what to me is sexually normal activity. I pity him. He struck gold and rejected it.That was fixable. Perhaps still is, but you have to move a mountain out of the way first.

[StoneCold]

 

And the kicker...the thing I looked for with xMM? I was lactating at the time and my H had me keep my bra on during sex, he wasn't too fond of the milk. I put myself out there and told him that I thought a little milk play might be sexy and he said it was gross, I was gross and that he just couldn't do it. That was seven months before I started my A, during that time I continually told him that I felt like his critique was a wound for me and our sex life plummeted to nothing. I felt ashamed for ever having asked him. With xMM it was something he desired and it turned into an adult nursing relationship....and now I'm glad this is anonymous.

 

Oh wow..... LACTATING

 

If you were mine I'd mandate that you remain topless at home... I'd worship you

[StoneCold]

You would have had to actually read other posts to grasp that in no way is this justification for my affair.

 

 

Dont worry Pawi... I've noticed many here are challenged in the reading and reading comprehension dept.

[StoneCold]

well actually ... you put your sexual fantasy should be the priority instead of your M. i am glad that the H doesnt do this so we all know that the one who messed up the M is not the H but the sex-thirst wife. hmm ... you already have a family but still want to have wild sex ... if your Husband cannot give it then you look for other MEN. do u think that you are better than a prostitute or the prostitute is better than you. sorry for the harsh comment. but think this, you have so many homework to do.

 

huh?

 

being religious from now and stop thinking about the wild sex fantasy because it ruins your Marriag, am i wrong? no,

 

LMAO

 

Are you wrong? for yourself perhaps not... for many others? YES. Please dont project religion on others. Some just don't believe in it at all as it can easily be shot out of the water....and others who say they "believe" in it question many many parts of it (funny enough) for obvious reasons.... and then there are those who "believe" in it 100% (so they say) but fail to live their entire life by its teachings....oh brother. But I better stop here because religious discussions never go well and I don't want this thread to get hijacked.

 

we already have the proof here

 

Really?...show me this proof? prove to me that it wasn't her husband that may have ruined this marriage by rejecting her time and time again.

 

Again with the sex hippocracy huh? its insignificant enough to always take the back seat when things are "fine" but significant enough to end a marriage and be the "bad guy/girl" when things go wrong.

 

Please

Edited February 13, 2011 by StoneCold

[StoneCold]

tell me if the rejection is worse than cheat or having affair.

 

 

For many people it is faaaaar worse...your supposed to share your life with this person yet they reject you?...many see it as the ultimate cheat

[lkjh]

Stonecold,

you' re really reaching here. In every marriage at one time or another people will get rejected by their H/W. This rejection is not worst than cheating. Nobody sees that as the ultimate cheat. I don't want to get involved in your little debate but your response is just laughable.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Stonecold,

you' re really reaching here. In every marriage at one time or another people will get rejected by their H/W. This rejection is not worst than cheating. Nobody sees that as the ultimate cheat. I don't want to get involved in your little debate but your response is just laughable.

 

The husband cheated his wife out of a fulfilling sex life, called her disgusting/insulting/derogatory names while she begged him for sex...... Oh and the whole time we was watching porn..... Yep her fault....

[StoneCold]

Stonecold,

This rejection is not worst than cheating. Nobody sees that as the ultimate cheat. I don't want to get involved in your little debate but your response is just laughable.

 

Whats laughable is your simple mindedness...

 

Hows it "reaching" to say that being rejected by the person who is supposed to be closest to them is hurtful? So according to you its ok to reject your spouses sexual needs time and time again... call them disgusting after they pleaded with you and kill their self esteem..... You're a joke

 

LMAO... since when are you the authority to speak for everybody... give me a break

Edited February 13, 2011 by StoneCold

[StoneCold]

well ... i am sure ... stonecold loves cheaters or maybe he/she is a cheater ... no wonder.

 

So in other words you got nothing...

 

Thanks for coming out

[lkjh]

Ya ok I am simple minded. Refusing two sexual acts,one of which is really abnormal(lactating) and a couple of arguments over it is clearly worst than cheating.

 

 

You guys are right the husband deserved to be cheated on, have his home filled with gifts from the OM, have his wife treated like the OM's prostitute(he gave her money so that it would appear that she found a job), have his kids exposed to the OM, and have his wife shut him out.

 

ya ok I am simple minded.

[StoneCold]

Ya ok I am simple minded. Refusing two sexual acts,one of which is really abnormal(lactating) and a couple of arguments over it is clearly worst than cheating.

 

 

You guys are right the husband deserved to be cheated on, have his home filled with gifts from the OM, have his wife treated like the OM's prostitute(he gave her money so that it would appear that she found a job), have his kids exposed to the OM, and have his wife shut him out.

 

ya ok I am simple minded.

 

??????

 

 

Yeah you are simple minded... not because you disagree but because you

 

A) are not looking at everything that was said... only what you choose to see...even the obvious things you don't see

B) way oversimplify

C) assume too much based on YOUR definition of what "normal" is supposed to be....which is silly to boot

Edited February 14, 2011 by StoneCold

[lkjh]

??????

 

 

Yeah you are simple minded... not because you disagree but because you

 

A) are not looking at everything that was said... only what you choose to see...even the obvious things you don't see

B) way oversimplify

C) assume too much based on YOUR definition of what "normal" is supposed to be....which is silly to boot

 

You are aware that someone disagreeing with you does not constitute being simple minded. I laid out details to how I came to my conclusion and all you have posted are insults and judgments like the H deserves it

 

To your points

A) What have I missed? I acknowledge that her H is not into the same things she is, that they have argued over it, and that she admits that she is the one who didn't feel comfortable enough to open up to him. Next I took into consideration that even though she claims she was not comfortable enough to talk with him she somehow found it ok to find a random stranger on the internet and open up to him. I also pointed out that is is foolish to expect one person to fulfill all of another persons needs. To truly make a marriage work both parties have to sacrifice some of their desires.

 

B) How did I over simplify this? You took two lines about her H not being into her style of foreplay as a reason to justify her cheating. You overlooked the fact that she stated she was not comfortable opening up to him yet she was fine talking to a stranger. You overlooked the fact that it takes a huge amount of disrespect to introduce their children to her AP. Somehow you have blinded yourself to the fact that all of these actions are the actions of a extremely selfish person

 

C) look if its not something the majority of people are doing and she had to search out a guy in a special internet forum, doesn't feel comfortable talking about it, and the majority are not into it than you can safely assume that its not normal. Oh and smart guy I actually spent one year from 06 to 07 reading studies on North American sex habits. These included those by Alfred Kinsey

[lkjh]

You are aware that your view on this topic are not all knowing. You sound like a little kid who is throwing a hissy fit because everyone doesn't agree with him/her.

[StoneCold]

A) What have I missed? I acknowledge that her H is not into the same things she is, that they have argued over it, and that she admits that she is the one who didn't feel comfortable enough to open up to him. Next I took into consideration that even though she claims she was not comfortable enough to talk with him she somehow found it ok to find a random stranger on the internet and open up to him. I also pointed out that is is foolish to expect one person to fulfill all of another persons needs. To truly make a marriage work both parties have to sacrifice some of their desires.

 

Oh I dont know..the fact that he called her disgusting (amongst many other things) which likely killed her self esteem? Completely and utterly rejected her AND THEN turned to porn behind her back? Not that theres anything wrong with porn but when you combine it with the other stuff mentioned its a pretty good slap in the face. Oh no but this failed marriage is all her right? Poor husband?

 

Further.. to make a marriage work you have to be able to PUT THE EFFORT IN to meet half way. Building a marriage around sacrifice just pawns resentment (eventually) which can have a deteriorating effect... seen this too many times

 

B) How did I over simplify this? You took two lines about her H not being into her style of foreplay as a reason to justify her cheating. You overlooked the fact that she stated she was not comfortable opening up to him yet she was fine talking to a stranger. You overlooked the fact that it takes a huge amount of disrespect to introduce their children to her AP. Somehow you have blinded yourself to the fact that all of these actions are the actions of a extremely selfish person.

 

You over simplify this because you make this look like it was over a "couple of arguments"....what would make you think this? After all that she said you conclude "a couple of arguments"?

 

What you overlooked is that she said the reason why she isnt comfortable opening up to him was because his actions were shady...email accounts full of porn where hes communicating with someone AFTER he completely rejected her and called her disgusting. Go back and read what was said.

 

Right...poor unselfish hubby right?

 

C) look if its not something the majority of people are doing and she had to search out a guy in a special internet forum, doesn't feel comfortable talking about it, and the majority are not into it than you can safely assume that its not normal. Oh and smart guy I actually spent one year from 06 to 07 reading studies on North American sex habits. These included those by Alfred Kinsey

 

just because people dont advertise what they are into...doesnt mean they dont do it (again with the simplification)... this especially applies to sex.

 

oh yeah...hey mr "study" tell me about these studies...how big was the sample? what was the demographic? age...race...gender...geography. How are you certain that the questions were answered honestly (people lie for any number of reasons)? Were the "right" questions asked?. Gotta becareful with "studies" they almost always yeild skewed results. Anybody worth their salt who works with studies know this...especially when it comes to (personal) topics such as sex because theres no way to substantiate answers. Nice try.

Edited February 14, 2011 by StoneCold

[StoneCold]

You are aware that your view on this topic are not all knowing. You sound like a little kid who is throwing a hissy fit because everyone doesn't agree with him/her.

 

....why do you say that? because I dont agree with you?

[findingnemo]

Explaining this has no context on my issue at hand but for your voyeristic pleasure I may as well say this.

 

Wow...you guys really are thinking kinky. Let me go ahead and state that my husbands little email account thing was now 8 years ago, and what he was looking at wasn't a fetish at all....it was simply women touching themselves and being open sexually, while I desired anal sex (and he thought it was appalling) that wasn't it. I wanted to let him enjoy seeing me touch myself and he found it too intimidating and felt that it meant he couldn't satisfy me. My request for anal sex is what he said he found too disrespectful.

 

And the kicker...the thing I looked for with xMM? I was lactating at the time and my H had me keep my bra on during sex, he wasn't too fond of the milk. I put myself out there and told him that I thought a little milk play might be sexy and he said it was gross, I was gross and that he just couldn't do it. That was seven months before I started my A, during that time I continually told him that I felt like his critique was a wound for me and our sex life plummeted to nothing. I felt ashamed for ever having asked him. With xMM it was something he desired and it turned into an adult nursing relationship....and now I'm glad this is anonymous.

 

 

Pawi,

 

I think that the sexual incompatibility issue is very important here.

 

The problem with cheating is that it is an all-consuming activity. When you sit down with your husband, ask him if he has ever cheated on you. He may have done so but you were too busy doing it yourself to notice. Has he gone to clubs to watch women doing whatever to themselves? I ask because you said he likes that but will not accept you doing it. Your husband is not a saint and should take some responsibility for the failure of his marriage. He seems to view you as "the mother of his kids" and therefore doesn't want to do certain things which although enticing seem to him disrespectful. So since he is a bit frisky himself, why aren't you asking how he gets sexual satisfaction???

 

Have you ever heard of a man or woman who is not sexually satisfied by their partner asking for a divorce on those grounds? It would be viewed as immature and anybody would be ashamed to publically admit it. So what happens? An A...which leads to betrayal and therefore a legitimate reason to part. So do not go to the table as the "bad person". You are a person with some bad judgement maybe but perhaps, so is he. Just tell him that you are a woman who likes whatever and that in the years you were married you were unsatisfied. Tell him that you stupidly had an affair and that although it lasted a long time you regret it now. But also tell him that the problems you both have cannot be swept under the rug and you both have to decide if the marriage can realistically go on.You love him as the father of your children but the lover part is lacking. Ask him if he thinks he can forgive you and if so, can the lover part be dealt with? A NO to either one means the M is over.

[Pawi]

I appreciate all that is being said, from the selfishness to the lack of my own communication it's all mostly correct.

 

I know what I did.

 

I completely failed to address the issues in my marriage - I wanted intimacy with him, I wanted honesty and communication. After years of not being able to feel like I could possibly get those things I was already close to surrender. After our discussion on milk play I was hurt and I was immature. I thought I would just go online, have someone validated my desires and that I would never really cheat. Then MM appeared on the radar - he was damn cute and charming, next stupid decision was to figure it wouldn't hurt to meet him just once, that I'd probably feel awfully afterward and return to my marriage full force. I was wrong again and I got wrapped up in what ended up being a three year love affair that I could not break away from. I abandoned my marriage, quit loving my husband and put up a wall between us that was so thick I still don't know how to bring it down. I was completely focused on ME and I thought MM was my road to happiness, I failed to see the pathology in the lies I told to myself and others. When MM's Dday occurred I lost my mind and it took me months to start seeing what I had done. Now I'm filled with guilt and regret, I feel like at one point I could have resolved my marital issues but now I have placed a mountain in between H and myself. I don't know how to bring the mountain down without honesty but let's be serious here I know that honesty will end my marriage all together.

 

Right now I am living in limbo - I cannot fix my marriage without the truth and my marriage cannot be fixed if I provide the truth. There is no easy solution and I did this all to myself. My husband has intimacy issues and I failed us both by cheating instead of dragging his ass to MC. I cannot go back and I don't know how to go forward.

 

It feels like the truth maybe the only way forward - it's my emancipation from all I've done but by giving it to H am I really just putting him in a worse prison then he's already trapped in? But then our marriage isn't complete ****, I know the best thing I could do for my children is just to love their father but I've already screwed all of that up.

 

I'm stuck and there is no easy answer. I feel like I'm living on a thin ledge and I know exactly who put me there - me.

[What_Next]

Pawi, you are self aware enough to know that continuing like you are in your marriage is a complete waste of time and effort for both you and your husband. If you come clean and he decides to divorce, then so be it.

 

I'll go back to my very first post to you, tell the truth and beg forgiveness, or keep it yourself and end it.

[ladydesigner]

I appreciate all that is being said, from the selfishness to the lack of my own communication it's all mostly correct.

 

I know what I did.

 

I completely failed to address the issues in my marriage - I wanted intimacy with him, I wanted honesty and communication. After years of not being able to feel like I could possibly get those things I was already close to surrender. After our discussion on milk play I was hurt and I was immature. I thought I would just go online, have someone validated my desires and that I would never really cheat. Then MM appeared on the radar - he was damn cute and charming, next stupid decision was to figure it wouldn't hurt to meet him just once, that I'd probably feel awfully afterward and return to my marriage full force. I was wrong again and I got wrapped up in what ended up being a three year love affair that I could not break away from. I abandoned my marriage, quit loving my husband and put up a wall between us that was so thick I still don't know how to bring it down. I was completely focused on ME and I thought MM was my road to happiness, I failed to see the pathology in the lies I told to myself and others. When MM's Dday occurred I lost my mind and it took me months to start seeing what I had done. Now I'm filled with guilt and regret, I feel like at one point I could have resolved my marital issues but now I have placed a mountain in between H and myself. I don't know how to bring the mountain down without honesty but let's be serious here I know that honesty will end my marriage all together.

 

Right now I am living in limbo - I cannot fix my marriage without the truth and my marriage cannot be fixed if I provide the truth. There is no easy solution and I did this all to myself. My husband has intimacy issues and I failed us both by cheating instead of dragging his ass to MC. I cannot go back and I don't know how to go forward.

 

It feels like the truth maybe the only way forward - it's my emancipation from all I've done but by giving it to H am I really just putting him in a worse prison then he's already trapped in? But then our marriage isn't complete ****, I know the best thing I could do for my children is just to love their father but I've already screwed all of that up.

 

I'm stuck and there is no easy answer. I feel like I'm living on a thin ledge and I know exactly who put me there - me.

 

Are you in any type of counseling? Do what you feel is best. Only you can make that decision to tell or not to tell. I personally would never let strangers on an anonymous forum influence my decision for me. Counseling would be a great start and take it from there.

 

Big hugs to you sweetie. It can get better. One day at a time. Just take it slow. Don't rush any of your decisions.