Change in circumstances

[Lauriebell82]

I am a newlywed, got married almost 5 months ago. We are very happy together. We have had a bit more conflict lately, as I had surgery about 5 weeks ago and have not been able to help around the house as much, doing chores. My husband is an OCD neat freak. I'm not! I call him Gary Poppins. I married him knowing this. We have both made a serious effort to see each other's point of view, I have tried to be "cleaner" and he has tried to control his anxiety and not freak out when things are messy. We have both done a good job.

 

Since my surgery the house has been more messy since I can't do as many chores. He has been handling as best he can, but his OCD has been flaring up. I tried talking to him about it openly and honestly, he said he would try not to get upset. He'll go a few days, things will get messy again and he'll once again get over anxious. What's going to happen when we have kids? He thinks things will be neat and tidy...

 

We have another few weeks before I can do chores again. Any suggestions? I'm at a loss.

[Star Gazer]

Okay, girl. Time for some honest talk, seeing as I know what kind of surgery you had.

 

It's been 5 weeks. You're able to go to work, drive, and even walk on the treadmill at the gym. You're almost ready to run. Your doctor cleared you for this.

 

While your doctor may have advised you to not vacuum, mop, scrub the tub, or carry heavy things (like laundry baskets) upstairs for the next couple weeks until you're back to 100%, you're perfectly capable of picking up after yourself. There's no reason why 5 weeks post-op your place has to be messy, chores or not.

 

If you can make sure it's not messy/cluttered, simply by picking up after yourself, then he can do the clean-cleaning stuff (scrubbing, taking out trash, vacuuming, etc.).

 

Do you think that compromise is doable for you?

[hotgurl]

Is your place messy as in dirty or messy as in cluttered?

 

Are you leaving plates our, clothes around etc....

 

I would suggest since this has been an ongoing problem with you two. Since you have gotten a new higher paying position hire a cleaning service. Split the cost than all you have to worry about is picking up after yourselves and doing dishes.

 

The he can controlt eh level of cleanliness via an employee.

[Lauriebell82]

Okay, girl. Time for some honest talk, seeing as I know what kind of surgery you had.

 

It's been 5 weeks. You're able to go to work, drive, and even walk on the treadmill at the gym. You're almost ready to run. Your doctor cleared you for this.

 

While your doctor may have advised you to not vacuum, mop, scrub the tub, or carry heavy things (like laundry baskets) upstairs for the next couple weeks until you're back to 100%, you're perfectly capable of picking up after yourself. There's no reason why 5 weeks post-op your place has to be messy.

 

If you can make sure it's not messy/cluttered, simply by picking up after yourself, then he can do the clean-cleaning stuff (scrubbing, vacuuming, etc.).

 

Do you think that compromise is doable for you?

 

I have begun to make the bed and "de-clutter." That's not the problem. His anxiety has lessened since I began doing those things. What he has an issue with is that I cannot scrub, mop, vacuum, do the laundry. We used to split those chores, now he has to do everything, and because I cannot continuously do those things, they are much more dirty then usual, which makes him more anxious. I realize I married a nut, so I have been trying to deal with it but it's hard because I feel like I have a good excuse! Do I just wait it out until the doctor clears me?

[Star Gazer]

I have begun to make the bed and "de-clutter." That's not the problem. His anxiety has lessened since I began doing those things. What he has an issue with is that I cannot scrub, mop, vacuum, do the laundry. We used to split those chores, now he has to do everything, and because I cannot continuously do those things, they are much more dirty then usual, which makes him more anxious. I realize I married a nut, so I have been trying to deal with it but it's hard because I feel like I have a good excuse! Do I just wait it out until the doctor clears me?

 

Okay, he's being unreasonable. But how about these suggestions?

 

You can do dishes, if he puts the ones that are high up away.

 

He can do the laundry, you can fold it and put it away.

 

Bathroom/shower: Use one of those daily sprays that mists it all down post-shower. You don't have to clean it as often that way.

 

Otherwise, do NOT compromise your recovery. Your recovery is more important than his aggitation over the next couple weeks over this. Wait until your doctor clears you.

 

Or, spend $100 and hire a maid to come in and do a deep clean.

[carhill]

MerryMaid.

 

Problem solved

[hotgurl]

I have begun to make the bed and "de-clutter." That's not the problem. His anxiety has lessened since I began doing those things. What he has an issue with is that I cannot scrub, mop, vacuum, do the laundry. We used to split those chores, now he has to do everything, and because I cannot continuously do those things, they are much more dirty then usual, which makes him more anxious. I realize I married a nut, so I have been trying to deal with it but it's hard because I feel like I have a good excuse! Do I just wait it out until the doctor clears me?

 

I agree he is being un reasonable. I agree with star do not comprimise your recovery.

 

Honestly. HAve a house keeper come in twice a month. You two don't have kids how messy can your house be.

[Lauriebell82]

Okay, he's being unreasonable. But how about these suggestions?

 

You can do dishes, if he puts the ones that are high up away.

 

He can do the laundry, you can fold it and put it away.

 

Bathroom/shower: Use one of those daily sprays that mists it all down post-shower. You don't have to clean it as often that way.

 

Otherwise, do NOT compromise your recovery. Your recovery is more important than his aggitation over the next couple weeks over this. Wait until your doctor clears you.

 

Or, spend $100 and hire a maid to come in and do a deep clean.

 

Good suggestions, thanks!

 

Unfortunately some of the compromises can't work. We put the dishes in the dishwasher and I have begun to put the cups in the top part. They stack up in the sink though. I have also tried to empty the top part of the dishwasher but all our dishes are in cabinets that are pretty high up. Basically teh only thing I can really do is put the silverware away.

 

He is especially obsessive over the laundry, I can't wait to get our own washer and dryer! We take our laundry to the laundry mat, therefore he has to fold them all there, he won't put them in baskets and bring it home. I suppose I could go with him and help him fold. That's not a bad idea. Oh and I put our laundry away now.

 

I like the shower suggestion also. I will try that. It's funny because I even had the surgeon tell my husband in the recovery room that I could not do chores (or cook!) for 7-8 weeks, so he heard it straight from the source! My husband also had me sign a piece of paper (like an agreement! ) saying that I would agree to do chores after 7-8 because he's crazy. I thought that would cut down on his anxiety, I guess not though!

[Lauriebell82]

I agree he is being un reasonable. I agree with star do not comprimise your recovery.

 

Honestly. HAve a house keeper come in twice a month. You two don't have kids how messy can your house be.

 

We don't even have a house, it's a two bedroom apartment! I have no idea how it gets so messy honestly. That's something I haven't figured out yet.

 

We considered getting a housekeeper, but we don't know if it is worth it for an apt. Maybe they wouldn't charge as much though? I don't know.

[laRubiaBonita]

LB your H sounds like mine... and mine has anxiety too, but not really OCD.

 

he bitches and moans about stuff being around- stuff as in mail, a book, a magazine, etc... stuff that really has no home and stuff that my H and i tend not to be good about putting away.

 

IMO we have stuff lying about because we have barely any storage. i cannot say this enough to H, but he doesn't listen- he thinks it's the all stuff.

wehave no book shelfs downstairs, and a tiny small one upstairs- do you know how many books i have in the garage becase of this? many.

 

Do you have a storage problem?

 

and really, as the one in our house that does the majority of cleaning the majority of the time- i am not sure what your H is being all upset for? i have to try and explain to my H as well that bitching and complaining and getting soo worked up over a pile of stuff that can just be thrown out is NOT A BIG DEAL!!! if it cause that much greif for him, and then for me i would rather him pick up and throw out what ever his problem stuff pile is.

 

 

and Do not even get my H started about the Black Hole aka- the garage. i think it is soo funny that he complains about that garage- it is his workshop most the time and because he sucks at putting things away- there are tools and screws and this and that everywhere- not put in his big nice tool box.

i hear about when ever he can't find a hammer or a screw driver (and those tools are right now in the kitchen drawer!).

[laRubiaBonita]

he is my other thought......

 

if your H has OCD, and his schedule his normal is now gone haywire because you are slightly out of commission i kinda think it may stem more from that.

 

sure the stuff is annoying and because he is almost solely responsible for it adds fuel to the OCD fire because it's on him now.

 

so him complaining about stuff and the dirt is only his frustrations with himself (i think) AND the fact that his normalcy is not there.

[Star Gazer]

Does hubby have real OCD, or is that just your joking characterization of it?

[carhill]

Here's an old thread about the OP's then BF and some of what she described as 'obsessive' behaviors. OP, has he been dx'd by a clinical psychologist with OCD? I don't recall reading that.

 

BTW, when friend's wives or female employees have had such circumstances as your own, and I knew they couldn't otherwise afford it, I've given them a little 'gift' of a clean house, even if just for a month. That's how I came to know MerryMaid. From the responses, I'd say it was/is a gift worth giving.

 

Your H is a CPA; approach it like a healthy business decision. Call it 'outsourcing'

[Lauriebell82]

Does hubby have real OCD, or is that just your joking characterization of it?

 

He has real OCD, I'm def. not exaggerating. He did have me sign an agreement!

 

he is my other thought......

 

if your H has OCD, and his schedule his normal is now gone haywire because you are slightly out of commission i kinda think it may stem more from that.

 

sure the stuff is annoying and because he is almost solely responsible for it adds fuel to the OCD fire because it's on him now.

 

so him complaining about stuff and the dirt is only his frustrations with himself (i think) AND the fact that his normalcy is not there.

 

Yeah, I mean I completely understand why he is so anxious. I guess it was just nice when I was able to do chores and he didn't flip out so much. He is all about routines, schedules, ect. (I guess because he is an accountant?) He makes so many excel spreadsheets it's not even funny. So when things get thrown of course, he kind of goes nuts. I really do know this about him, I married him knowing this, so I'm trying to deal with it and keep in mind that he does this. It is incredibly annoying though, and it was so nice to have him be less anxious.

[Lauriebell82]

Here's an old thread about the OP's then BF and some of what she described as 'obsessive' behaviors. OP, has he been dx'd by a clinical psychologist with OCD? I don't recall reading that.

 

BTW, when friend's wives or female employees have had such circumstances as your own, and I knew they couldn't otherwise afford it, I've given them a little 'gift' of a clean house, even if just for a month. That's how I came to know MerryMaid. From the responses, I'd say it was/is a gift worth giving.

 

Your H is a CPA; approach it like a healthy business decision. Call it 'outsourcing'

 

Yeah, this goes way back, it's nothing new. We have literally gone years and years without having an argument until recently. He does not have a formal OCD diagnosis, he did see a psychologist when he was in middle school who diagnosed him with anxiety but he was never put on meds or anything.

 

I could suggest a maid, I don't know if he will go for it. I'm sure he'll probably make an excel spreadsheet to see how much money it will cost! I'm sure it will blow over once I am back to my old self, it's just annoying/frustrating in the meantime.

 

When he had me sign the agreement I started humming "A spoonful of sugar" from Mary Poppins lol.

[laRubiaBonita]

Your H is a CPA; approach it like a healthy business decision. Call it 'outsourcing'

Love it CH!!!

 

Yeah, I mean I completely understand why he is so anxious. I guess it was just nice when I was able to do chores and he didn't flip out so much. He is all about routines, schedules, ect. (I guess because he is an accountant?) He makes so many excel spreadsheets it's not even funny. So when things get thrown of course, he kind of goes nuts. I really do know this about him, I married him knowing this, so I'm trying to deal with it and keep in mind that he does this. It is incredibly annoying though, and it was so nice to have him be less anxious.

 

just to keep him involved and hopefully ease some anxiety- would it help if you two make up a new list of chores?

it can be the fallback version in times where things are not status quo.... and actually is a good idea.

 

it seems he needs to know what to expect/ when to expect/ who to expect

[Lauriebell82]

Oh, I read some of that old thread, it's hard to believe that was 4 years ago. I sounded rather immature, boy have I grown up! We had only been dating for like 4 months, I was still trying to figure the boy out!

[carhill]

Since this issue apparently has been a recurring theme in your relationship, varying in intensity situationally, perhaps addressing it sooner rather than later, with 'later' being 'after children are born', and resolving it as a *team* could be a healthy path.

 

Try this: Instead of ' he'll probably make an excel spreadsheet to see how much money it will cost!', try 'let's get some pricing and interview some potential services and see how affordable and beneficial this choice can be. OK, let's go'.

 

Positive words. Positive actions.

[Lauriebell82]

just to keep him involved and hopefully ease some anxiety- would it help if you two make up a new list of chores?

it can be the fallback version in times where things are not status quo.... and actually is a good idea.

 

it seems he needs to know what to expect/ when to expect/ who to expect

 

Yeah, that is a good idea. We did sort of have a variation of that, it would more of a verbal agreement, though. I probably need to get it in writing! :laugh:My job was bed making and de-cluttering. I guess he just can't help but get anxious with the rest of the apartment being dirty though.

 

 

Since this issue apparently has been a recurring theme in your relationship, varying in intensity situationally, perhaps addressing it sooner rather than later, with 'later' being 'after children are born', and resolving it as a *team* could be a healthy path.

 

Try this: Instead of ' he'll probably make an excel spreadsheet to see how much money it will cost!', try 'let's get some pricing and interview some potential services and see how affordable and beneficial this choice can be. OK, let's go'.

 

Positive words. Positive actions.

 

Good idea, we did that for our wedding vendors and it worked well. There was still an excel spreadsheet involved though! Im sure there will be again, post pricing, he can't seem to live without them!

[Lauriebell82]

Ugh, husband just texted me asking why there is toothpaste in the sink (on the handle). I can't really bend far over to spit the toothpaste into the sink so I am missing the sink and getting the handle. I guess cleaning it is one of my new chores! Sheesh.

[threebyfate]

Seriously Lb. Do the maid thing until you're cleared for chores. The cost isn't worth the aggravation.

 

p.s. Spit in a cup that can be put into the dishwasher.

[Star Gazer]

Ugh, husband just texted me asking why there is toothpaste in the sink (on the handle). I can't really bend far over to spit the toothpaste into the sink so I am missing the sink and getting the handle. I guess cleaning it is one of my new chores! Sheesh.

 

He TEXTED you to ask you that? As if he needs an urgent response?

 

Good lord. He's not just OCD. He's a little rude.

[Lauriebell82]

He TEXTED you to ask you that? As if he needs an urgent response?

 

Good lord. He's not just OCD. He's a little rude.

 

I don't know if he was looking for an urgent response. He's not one for talking on the phone, he likes to text more.

 

He asked me to take care of it when I get home. Oy.

[Lauriebell82]

Seriously Lb. Do the maid thing until you're cleared for chores. The cost isn't worth the aggravation.

 

p.s. Spit in a cup that can be put into the dishwasher.

 

Yeah, I'm going to suggest the maid. Apparently he has bought small paper cups that you can throw away to avoid making extra dishes!

[threebyfate]

Yeah, I'm going to suggest the maid. Apparently he has bought small paper cups that you can throw away to avoid making extra dishes!

 

If the cups are coneshaped, you should attach a string to one of them and then attach the cup to the top of his head! This should get the message across.