Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 If the cups are coneshaped, you should attach a string to one of them and then attach the cup to the top of his head! This should get the message across. LOL, I think they are the little dixie cups. Watch, next he'll get anxious about the extra garbage. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 LOL, I think they are the little dixie cups. Watch, next he'll get anxious about the extra garbage. Make spreadsheet on just how much money you will waste, compared to him just wiping it off. also- remind him that i like my Mother Earth- and that is just wasteful to THE extreme! Link to post Share on other sites
Distant78 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 He TEXTED you to ask you that? As if he needs an urgent response? Good lord. He's not just OCD. He's a little rude. No that's not rude. Spitting on the handle? That's disgusting. I had surgery on my back and stomach and I could still bend over and spit my guke in the sink. There's no reason no one can't do that. I would be having a fit too. Germs all on the handle. That's a cause for an "ugh." Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 I hope your recovery goes well. Since my surgery the house has been more messy since I can't do as many chores. He has been handling as best he can, but his OCD has been flaring up. I tried talking to him about it openly and honestly, he said he would try not to get upset. He'll go a few days, things will get messy again and he'll once again get over anxious. What's going to happen when we have kids? He thinks things will be neat and tidy... Just curious (and sorry if you've answered this already, I've only read your opening post) is he on any medication to help control his OCD and anxiety? Is he doing any type of counselling, CBT? The thing is, he can try all he wants and tell you he's going to be okay and handle it better, but when things get out of control for him, so does all rationale. He's going to have to do serious counselling and learn how to handle his anxiety, face his fears when the time comes you two do have kids. Let whatever happen and not have to have to "order" and "control." Anyway in the meantime, have you guys talked about hiring a cleaning lady to help out? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Ugh, husband just texted me asking why there is toothpaste in the sink (on the handle). I can't really bend far over to spit the toothpaste into the sink so I am missing the sink and getting the handle. I guess cleaning it is one of my new chores! Sheesh. So does his OCD prevent him from cleaning up overall? Or cleaning up after your toothpaste? What happens if you are sick and by accident can't make it to the bathroom and oops, you throw up on the floor? What will do and how will he react? And it's good the kid thing is on your mind.. It should be, as well as his.. Same thing, kids puking, kids sh.it clogging the toilet, messy messes and confusion, don't say it won't happen it will, cream and power on the walls, why? Who knows, kids do stupid things just because. How is he going to handle all that? (Google depressionfallout, helpful info on there..) I don't know if he was looking for an urgent response. He's not one for talking on the phone, he likes to text more. He asked me to take care of it when I get home. Oy. LOL this kind of made me laugh, it's not funny but seeing that he has OCD, it is kind of funny that he cannot clean it up. I have 2 friends who are OCD and a neighbours sister. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 So does his OCD prevent him from cleaning up overall? Or cleaning up after your toothpaste? What happens if you are sick and by accident can't make it to the bathroom and oops, you throw up on the floor? What will do and how will he react? That was my reaction, too. I haven't read your previous threads on this so maybe there's something I'm missing here. But if I were recovering from an operation, I would completely take for granted that my partner would do all the housework. As would I if he were in the same situation. If he's so fussy about how clean things should be, why doesn't he then just clean?? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 That was my reaction, too. I haven't read your previous threads on this so maybe there's something I'm missing here. But if I were recovering from an operation, I would completely take for granted that my partner would do all the housework. As would I if he were in the same situation. If he's so fussy about how clean things should be, why doesn't he then just clean?? Well, my H recently suffered through kidney stones, (he still hasn't passed it either!) I did everything in the house. Cleaning, dishes, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping and of course looking after him. It's just something spouses do for another one during those times in life, after a surgery or when sick. There's not much of a choice, things have to get done. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 OP, ask your H if his 'upset' comes from feelings of being overwhelmed. To you, this may sound irrational, but, if my instincts are correct, to him it's very real. I've found that identifying the real and working it, one step at a time, mitigates those feelings. Two key aspects, from my work in MC: 1. One positive step each day, in this case, for him, taking one meaningful project on to help out his recuperating wife, and then, cognitively, releasing the rest of the 'stuff' for that day emotionally. Letting it go. 2. Focusing on the real priority, the marriage, and accepting that all this 'stuff' will *work out*. He can cognitively re-direct his focus and the attendant feelings. Unfortunately, for myself, that part of the MC process didn't take until we were well into the divorce, but it did make the divorce more amicable. If your H has feelings of obsession and they are overwhelming, I hope he gets help for that. In the meantime, MerryMaid Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 It's odd, because you'd think my husband would WANT to clean up everything in an effort to reduce his OCD related anxiety. But then he is so squeamish that he cannot bare to clean up "gross filth" and he also wants us both to contribute to the household chores. So it's a combination of factors that play into his anxiety. It's like he can't stand the mess, but doesn't want to clean it up either, therefore his anxiety gets worse and worse. I try to be understanding about this, like I have said, I knew this about him when I married him, I knew it wasn't going to change. He does make an effort to not freak out, if he feels anxious he will go into his office until he is calmer. When he does "slip" I will try to be understanding and compassionate in the fact that I know he gets this way and will do my best to clean up. But because I CAN'T clean, his anxiety doesn't get reduced because I can't do the chores. He is not on meds for it. I have suggested counseling, he is not open to going at this time. I am not going to force him or pressure him because I know that counseling won't be effective if he isn't willing to put in the work. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 No that's not rude. Spitting on the handle? That's disgusting. I had surgery on my back and stomach and I could still bend over and spit my guke in the sink. There's no reason no one can't do that. I would be having a fit too. Germs all on the handle. That's a cause for an "ugh." While I agree that she could quickly clean off whatever misses the sink, "germs on the sink!" seems like a silly thing for a NORMAL person to freak out about, particularly when you're sharing plenty of other body fluids with that person. (Then again, her H does shower right after sex.) In any event, normally I'd seek a compromise, but LB's H has real OCD, not just a quirk. There are ways for LB to help him manage. The Dixie cup idea works, but simply wiping down the sink after using it seems a lot easier and less wasteful. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 It's odd, because you'd think my husband would WANT to clean up everything in an effort to reduce his OCD related anxiety. But then he is so squeamish that he cannot bare to clean up "gross filth" and he also wants us both to contribute to the household chores. So it's a combination of factors that play into his anxiety. It's like he can't stand the mess, but doesn't want to clean it up either, therefore his anxiety gets worse and worse. I try to be understanding about this, like I have said, I knew this about him when I married him, I knew it wasn't going to change. He does make an effort to not freak out, if he feels anxious he will go into his office until he is calmer. When he does "slip" I will try to be understanding and compassionate in the fact that I know he gets this way and will do my best to clean up. But because I CAN'T clean, his anxiety doesn't get reduced because I can't do the chores. Do you mean he doesn't clean the filth himself? He expects you to do it? Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 What's going to happen when we have kids? He thinks things will be neat and tidy... . It's odd, because you'd think my husband would WANT to clean up everything in an effort to reduce his OCD related anxiety. But then he is so squeamish that he cannot bare to clean up "gross filth" ...<snip>... He is not on meds for it. I have suggested counseling, he is not open to going at this time. I am not going to force him or pressure him because I know that counseling won't be effective if he isn't willing to put in the work. And it's good the kid thing is on your mind.. It should be, as well as his.. Same thing, kids puking, kids sh.it clogging the toilet, messy messes and confusion, don't say it won't happen it will, cream and power on the walls, why? Who knows, kids do stupid things just because. How is he going to handle all that? (Google depressionfallout, helpful info on there..) . LB, thinking ahead to the hypothetical kids, I would definitely not start trying to get pregnant until your husband agrees to be thoroughly evaluated and go through counseling, perhaps be put on medication. WWIU is right, kids are messy. Moreover, they are little concentrated centers of chaos, and that can feel overwhelming to anyone, much less someone with an untreated anxiety disorder. Even the most well-behaved and well-intended child is going to be a strain on him, esp. in the first few years. As for the "gross filth"--even if you two can afford regular maid services on top of childcare, how is he going to handle diapers? What about the nights when baby is sick, refuses to sleep anywhere but in your arms, and vomits all over your bed and both of you? Trust me, you will be exposed to more gross bodily fluids than you ever dreamed of in your first two years of parenting. It sounds to me like your husband is going to need a little extra preparation time for that kind of thing, or a HazMat suit. I hope you are recovering well from your surgery. As others have said, I think the maid is a practical short-term solution for now. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 He is not on meds for it. I have suggested counseling, he is not open to going at this time. I am not going to force him or pressure him because I know that counseling won't be effective if he isn't willing to put in the work. He is eventually going to have to go see someone about this. I can understand his fears in beginning therapy, been there, done that! When I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, it took me a while to get to a place where I was ready to go for help. It did come and I tell you, the best thing I ever did, was do CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy). Since he isn't willing to go now ,buy some books. The Feeling Good Book by Dr David Burns. Been There, Done That, Try This! By Sam Obitz. And, any Claire Weekes books are also good. Your H has OCD and it's anxiety driven, hate to say it, but this is going to get worse as he gets older..Right now it's not a huge issue and not ruining your relationship, but if he doesn't get help, combo therapy and medication, it WILL change the dynamic and possibly ruin your marriage. Check out that depressionfallout site, it has alot of helpful info. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 LB, do you think that because you work in the field of mental health... do you think that your H feels uncomfortable Really really talking with you about it? just wondering Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 Thanks for the replies everyone, I really appreciate the help. I'll try to answer everyone's questions (I'm not great at multi-quoting!) SG: He cleans up filth, like if the kitchen counter is dirty or he spilled something he will clean it up. But things that are "my" responsiblity (dishes, making the bed, ect) he will not do himself if they are not done by me. But he gets anxious when they aren't done. It's odd, I haven't yet figured that one out yet. Stung: The kid thing definately worries me. Husband tried to tell me he wouldn't change diapers, I told him he was dreaming if he thought that! Then he said he would take the dirty diaper off, I would have to wipe, then he will put the fresh diaper on. So I have to do the gross part I guess? I don't know. He also is saying he won't potty train because he can't stand to look at "bodily fluids." I'm not sure how that will work either! Basically I think he is trying to say that he expects me to do all the gross dirty work while he plays with the kid. My sister-in-law and mother-in-law both tell me that once we have kids he'll get over it, I'm not so sure though. WWIU: I'm going to talk to him about the therapy again, if not for right now, for the future regarding children and all. I'll ask him if he will read a self help book in the meantime. lrb: I don't think my husband feels uncomfortable talking to me about it, he is pretty clear about the fact that he gets anxious, and I feel like I want to be understanding and help him, which is why I don't freak out or get upset when he acts this way. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 well LB, i get grossed out with diapers to.... i dry heave when doing really bad ones babysitting. my mother always said though- when it is your kid it will be different. maybe that works with wussy guys too! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Stung: The kid thing definately worries me. Husband tried to tell me he wouldn't change diapers, I told him he was dreaming if he thought that! Then he said he would take the dirty diaper off, I would have to wipe, then he will put the fresh diaper on. So I have to do the gross part I guess? I don't know. He also is saying he won't potty train because he can't stand to look at "bodily fluids." I'm not sure how that will work either! Basically I think he is trying to say that he expects me to do all the gross dirty work while he plays with the kid. My sister-in-law and mother-in-law both tell me that once we have kids he'll get over it, I'm not so sure though. So you'd never be able to leave your child alone with their father, because he won't take care of him/her. He'll never say, "Babe, you get a good night's rest. I'll be on baby duty tonight," and be the one to get up to change/feed the little munchkin when s/he cries. I really think you two need some pre-parenting counseling or something. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 I really think you two need some pre-parenting counseling or something. all in good time, step one: Get H to clean up "eeeww" dirty gross stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 So you'd never be able to leave your child alone with their father, because he won't take care of him/her. He'll never say, "Babe, you get a good night's rest. I'll be on baby duty tonight," and be the one to get up to change/feed the little munchkin when s/he cries. I really think you two need some pre-parenting counseling or something. Yeah, that was a concern of mine as well. It's def. unrealistic to think that I will ALWAYS be around to take care of the baby and he won't have to do anything himself, and I told him so. I *think* he will get used to the idea of changing diapers, I don't think he has a problem with feeding. The kid will be bottle fed, he said he doesn't have a problem with doing that. Of course, when the kid goes and spits up on him I don't know how he will feel about that! Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Kids out of diapers are still going to be messy. They might even puke in the car when he's driving! What then? Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 T Stung: The kid thing definately worries me. Husband tried to tell me he wouldn't change diapers, I told him he was dreaming if he thought that! Then he said he would take the dirty diaper off, I would have to wipe, then he will put the fresh diaper on. So I have to do the gross part I guess? I don't know. He also is saying he won't potty train because he can't stand to look at "bodily fluids." I'm not sure how that will work either! Basically I think he is trying to say that he expects me to do all the gross dirty work while he plays with the kid. My sister-in-law and mother-in-law both tell me that once we have kids he'll get over it, I'm not so sure though. . His attitude about this is simply unrealistic, though. Even if you agree to be the one to do ALL of the vomit, snot, and poop patrol--which you will likely build up resentment for--some fallout is just unavoidable. I'd be happy to tell you a story about explosive baby diarrhea and how it touched (horribly) the lives of two adults, a ten-year-old, a dog and a Volkswagen, but it's not for the faint of heart . It involves a wiggling baby absolutely covered in poo on the side of the road, a bunch of clothes that went into the garbage, and about twenty squirt bottles of water. And check it: every hands-on parent I have ever met has a similar "war story". Also, we have almost all been peed and vomited on. It just kind of goes with the territory. BTW, there are some pretty gross aspects to pregnancy and childbirth, as well. Even if you have a C-section, as I did. I'm not saying he wouldn't be able to deal with it in some way or suggesting it's insurmountable, honestly I don't know much about clinical OCD. I am just saying, I strongly suggest that you insist he get evaluated and start some kind of treatment before you start thinking about pregnancy/children. Since you brought it up. If he's really clinical, I doubt he's going to just get over it because it's his own kid. Sorry to be a downer. Again, I do hope you're recovering well. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Yeah, that was a concern of mine as well. It's def. unrealistic to think that I will ALWAYS be around to take care of the baby and he won't have to do anything himself, and I told him so. I *think* he will get used to the idea of changing diapers, I don't think he has a problem with feeding. The kid will be bottle fed, he said he doesn't have a problem with doing that. Of course, when the kid goes and spits up on him I don't know how he will feel about that! or when it is gross stuff is dripping from every orphus.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 Kids out of diapers are still going to be messy. They might even puke in the car when he's driving! What then? I have no idea! He doesn't even allow anyone (including himself) to eat or drink in his car. Maybe he'll just get used to it? Link to post Share on other sites
Stung Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 or when it is gross stuff is dripping from every orphus.... Yeah, my son has a nasty sinus infection, plus he's drooling because he's cutting a molar, plus he's got diarrhea from the antibiotics for the sinus infection. Rivers of snot and spit and poop everywhere . I feel bad for him, I love him, I'm taking the best care of him that I can but: he's gross. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 His attitude about this is simply unrealistic, though. Even if you agree to be the one to do ALL of the vomit, snot, and poop patrol--which you will likely build up resentment for--some fallout is just unavoidable. I'd be happy to tell you a story about explosive baby diarrhea and how it touched (horribly) the lives of two adults, a ten-year-old, a dog and a Volkswagen, but it's not for the faint of heart . It involves a wiggling baby absolutely covered in poo on the side of the road, a bunch of clothes that went into the garbage, and about twenty squirt bottles of water. And check it: every hands-on parent I have ever met has a similar "war story". Also, we have almost all been peed and vomited on. It just kind of goes with the territory. BTW, there are some pretty gross aspects to pregnancy and childbirth, as well. Even if you have a C-section, as I did. I'm not saying he wouldn't be able to deal with it in some way or suggesting it's insurmountable, honestly I don't know much about clinical OCD. I am just saying, I strongly suggest that you insist he get evaluated and start some kind of treatment before you start thinking about pregnancy/children. Since you brought it up. If he's really clinical, I doubt he's going to just get over it because it's his own kid. Sorry to be a downer. Again, I do hope you're recovering well. Haha, well he tried to tell me he wasn't going to be in the delivery room, but that is not going to happen. He compromised on the fact that he would hold my hand, but would be looking the other way the whole time and would have ear plugs in. He does not want to cut the umbilical cord (sp?) and the baby has to be cleaned off before he will be able to handle seeing it. That will be interesting... Link to post Share on other sites
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