laRubiaBonita Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Haha, well he tried to tell me he wasn't going to be in the delivery room, but that is not going to happen. He compromised on the fact that he would hold my hand, but would be looking the other way the whole time and would have ear plugs in. He does not want to cut the umbilical cord (sp?) and the baby has to be cleaned off before he will be able to handle seeing it. That will be interesting... OMG- And he is the one really Wanting a baby now- he is gonna be in for a rude awakening! how does he even manage to have sex? all those bodily fluids and all...... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Thanks for the replies everyone, I really appreciate the help. I'll try to answer everyone's questions (I'm not great at multi-quoting!) SG: He cleans up filth, like if the kitchen counter is dirty or he spilled something he will clean it up. But things that are "my" responsiblity (dishes, making the bed, ect) he will not do himself if they are not done by me. But he gets anxious when they aren't done. It's odd, I haven't yet figured that one out yet. Stung: The kid thing definately worries me. Husband tried to tell me he wouldn't change diapers, I told him he was dreaming if he thought that! Then he said he would take the dirty diaper off, I would have to wipe, then he will put the fresh diaper on. So I have to do the gross part I guess? I don't know. He also is saying he won't potty train because he can't stand to look at "bodily fluids." I'm not sure how that will work either! Basically I think he is trying to say that he expects me to do all the gross dirty work while he plays with the kid. My sister-in-law and mother-in-law both tell me that once we have kids he'll get over it, I'm not so sure though. WWIU: I'm going to talk to him about the therapy again, if not for right now, for the future regarding children and all. I'll ask him if he will read a self help book in the meantime. lrb: I don't think my husband feels uncomfortable talking to me about it, he is pretty clear about the fact that he gets anxious, and I feel like I want to be understanding and help him, which is why I don't freak out or get upset when he acts this way. See, he doesn't "see" how his OCD and anxiety is affecting his life, and future. Already he's balked at things that he really has NO choice in the matter (you are not home, baby pukes or poops, he HAS to clean up the baby, like it or not). Deep down he must know that he has to go and learn how to cope with this stuff. Sympathize with him about his fears or worries about doing counseling. When he gets the courage to go, GO with him. It'll ease his mind. All you have to do is wait in the waiting room (when you're healed and feeling better of course!). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 how does he even manage to have sex? all those bodily fluids and all...... He showers immediately after (with me). Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 He showers immediately after (with me). really..... that would suck if my H did that- it would make me feel dirty. BUT, it is another thing to know about his reasonings, like you, and not react that way. i give you kudos for being able to deal with it. like i said, my H is odd too about things- and it is hard for me to understand him sometimes too.... so i know where you are coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 really..... that would suck if my H did that- it would make me feel dirty. BUT, it is another thing to know about his reasonings, like you, and not react that way. i give you kudos for being able to deal with it. like i said, my H is odd too about things- and it is hard for me to understand him sometimes too.... so i know where you are coming from. It made me feel bad at first, but he explained it's not because of me it's because he can't stand the smell of the semen on him. My birth control ran out so we have been using condoms, so he actually hasn't been showing every single time we have sex because it's not quite as messy. I guess I feel like he has so many positive qualities (good provider, caring, supportive, loving, ect) that his anxiety is just something he has, and can't help. Nobody is perfect. He could have a lot more negative things about himself then OCD. I love him so much that I'm willing to be supportive and understanding. He does tell me how lucky he feels to have a wife who is understanding about it. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 I guess I feel like he has so many positive qualities (good provider, caring, supportive, loving, ect) that his anxiety is just something he has, and can't help. Nobody is perfect. He could have a lot more negative things about himself then OCD. I love him so much that I'm willing to be supportive and understanding. He does tell me how lucky he feels to have a wife who is understanding about it. you are great! Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I have OCD of a different kind, and I know it's not easy to put up with. Seriously though, if you are working and earning your half, his OCD about cleanliness is something HE has to deal with. If he needs things to be absolutely spick and span, HE will need to take the majority of the burden, because it's simply unfair of him to expect YOU to pander to his standards. Example: My OCD causes me to be unable to sleep when my bf has his pager beeping every 5 minutes or so in the bedroom. So I take it out at night whenever he happens to bring it in. I don't get all agitated and blame HIM for not keeping it out. I mean, what did he do when he was living alone? Surely his mom/housemates/etc didnt keep his house perfectly clean FOR him, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 I have OCD of a different kind, and I know it's not easy to put up with. Seriously though, if you are working and earning your half, his OCD about cleanliness is something HE has to deal with. If he needs things to be absolutely spick and span, HE will need to take the majority of the burden, because it's simply unfair of him to expect YOU to pander to his standards. Example: My OCD causes me to be unable to sleep when my bf has his pager beeping every 5 minutes or so in the bedroom. So I take it out at night whenever he happens to bring it in. I don't get all agitated and blame HIM for not keeping it out. I mean, what did he do when he was living alone? Surely his mom/housemates/etc didn't keep his house perfectly clean FOR him, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) I have OCD of a different kind, and I know it's not easy to put up with. Seriously though, if you are working and earning your half, his OCD about cleanliness is something HE has to deal with. If he needs things to be absolutely spick and span, HE will need to take the majority of the burden, because it's simply unfair of him to expect YOU to pander to his standards. Example: My OCD causes me to be unable to sleep when my bf has his pager beeping every 5 minutes or so in the bedroom. So I take it out at night whenever he happens to bring it in. I don't get all agitated and blame HIM for not keeping it out. I mean, what did he do when he was living alone? Surely his mom/housemates/etc didn't keep his house perfectly clean FOR him, right? When he was living at home HE did most of the cleaning. His mom encouraged him, but she told me that when he was little he would ASK if he could do the dishes. When he was living alone (before we moved in together) he did all the cleaning, cooking, ect in his apartment. So I often wonder the same thing as everyone else does. If it bothers him THAT MUCH why doesn't he just clean it? I don't mean to sound like I am unwilling or refuse to clean, but I often think he would experience less anxiety and stress if he took care of something that was bothering him (cleaning wise) right away instead of freak out at me and wait for me to do it. He has told me that if he just does it then I will never learn to be cleaner because I will take advantage of the fact that he just does it, and stop trying. A sort of enabling so to speak. I always try to make the point that I married him KNOWING this about him and knowing that he wouldn't change and I would have to deal with it. But sometimes I feel like I'm his "project" that he wants to change me into being a neat freak like him..which will never happen. Edited February 10, 2011 by Lauriebell82 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 . And check it: every hands-on parent I have ever met has a similar "war story". Or a few of them! Haha, well he tried to tell me he wasn't going to be in the delivery room, but that is not going to happen. He compromised on the fact that he would hold my hand, but would be looking the other way the whole time and would have ear plugs in. He does not want to cut the umbilical cord (sp?) and the baby has to be cleaned off before he will be able to handle seeing it. That will be interesting... Seriously, if his OCD is going to keep him from being a support person in the delivery room, consider telling him to just stay out. When you are in labor, you will have no capacity to deal with his issues. If you are set on having children with him, and this is the reality wrt the support he can provide, you'll be better off lining up someone who can put their own issues aside long enough to support you. If nothing else, make sure you have a doula who can step in for him, should the need arise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 Seriously, if his OCD is going to keep him from being a support person in the delivery room, consider telling him to just stay out. When you are in labor, you will have no capacity to deal with his issues. If you are set on having children with him, and this is the reality wrt the support he can provide, you'll be better off lining up someone who can put their own issues aside long enough to support you. If nothing else, make sure you have a doula who can step in for him, should the need arise. I really want him there though. I guess I'm hoping/thinking that when the time comes for me to be in labor he will just forget all about his OCD and be happy about the birth of his child. Maybe that's denial, I don't know. My MIL told me that my FIL was scared about the delivery room, but when the time came he was happy and glad that he had been in there with her. So maybe my husband will feel the same way. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 You have the patience and optimism of a saint! Hats off to you lady; I could not deal so well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 You have the patience and optimism of a saint! Hats off to you lady; I could not deal so well. Thanks. I work with hard core drug addicts and alcoholics, so compared to them, my husband is tame. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Is that a risk you want to take? Because if that risk doesn't pay off, you're looking at taking care of a child by yourself, married to him or not. This goes further than the OCD in my mind. He's being incredibly selfish by not allowing you the time you need to recover without this extra pressure. I can understand that he needs the house to be in order, but I can't understand that he's not willing to do your part temporarily when you need help. It paints a picture of a clear demarcation line in your M. Teamwork doesn't seem to be part of the equation for him. I do worry about LB growing justifiably resentful once they've had a baby and she finds herself basically the only parent in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 He has told me that if he just does it then I will never learn to be cleaner because I will take advantage of the fact that he just does it, and stop trying. A sort of enabling so to speak. I always try to make the point that I married him KNOWING this about him and knowing that he wouldn't change and I would have to deal with it. But sometimes I feel like I'm his "project" that he wants to change me into being a neat freak like him..which will never happen. That's the controlling part of OCD taking over. And his skewed way of thinking because of his OCD. To him, it makes perfect sense. To those who don't have OCD and have his way of processing and thinking, it's not normal. He has to warm up to the idea of CBT and meds. Exposure therapy, slowly to help him and give him coping techniques so he can handle things better. He is lucky to have you, that's for sure. It takes a dedicated, special and patient person to be in a relationship, and be married to someone who has mental illness. It won't ever go away, but it can be controlled to a point. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 When he was living at home HE did most of the cleaning. His mom encouraged him, but she told me that when he was little he would ASK if he could do the dishes. When he was living alone (before we moved in together) he did all the cleaning, cooking, ect in his apartment. So I often wonder the same thing as everyone else does. If it bothers him THAT MUCH why doesn't he just clean it? I don't mean to sound like I am unwilling or refuse to clean, but I often think he would experience less anxiety and stress if he took care of something that was bothering him (cleaning wise) right away instead of freak out at me and wait for me to do it. He has told me that if he just does it then I will never learn to be cleaner because I will take advantage of the fact that he just does it, and stop trying. A sort of enabling so to speak. I always try to make the point that I married him KNOWING this about him and knowing that he wouldn't change and I would have to deal with it. But sometimes I feel like I'm his "project" that he wants to change me into being a neat freak like him..which will never happen. Have you guys thought about separating some of your stuff? Ie have two cupboards, one for you and one for him. He can get his as spick and span as he likes, but he is just going to have to live with yours being the way you want it. I do that with my guy because even though I am no neat freak, he is just... amazingly capable of getting stuff messy. So we are each responsible for our own part, and we each aren't affected much by each other's messiness. I think you really need to tell him point blank that his OCD is really his own issue to take care of, and that you will do your half to keep the house to a reasonable level of cleanliness, but anything more than that he will have to do if he really needs it so. He needs to realize that you shouldn't be the only one compromising. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I really want him there though. I guess I'm hoping/thinking that when the time comes for me to be in labor he will just forget all about his OCD and be happy about the birth of his child. Maybe that's denial, I don't know. My MIL told me that my FIL was scared about the delivery room, but when the time came he was happy and glad that he had been in there with her. So maybe my husband will feel the same way. Does your FIL have similar OCD issues? You can hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. When you are in labor, you will have NO patience for his issues, and will need a support person who will put your needs first (including ushering him out if he is stressing you). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 I do worry about LB growing justifiably resentful once they've had a baby and she finds herself basically the only parent in the marriage. Yeah, I was worried also. I had a talk with him about it, and he said that he will most definately be a full-time father and be willing to clean up after the kid. If I thought he was going to be an absent father I never would have married him. He is so wonderful with our neice and nephews, I know he will be great. I'm going to be optimistic about that. He siad his main issue is the diapers! I told him I'm not real thrilled about it either, but it's just one of those things that have to be done. Does your FIL have similar OCD issues? You can hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. When you are in labor, you will have NO patience for his issues, and will need a support person who will put your needs first (including ushering him out if he is stressing you). My FIL does have issues with anxiety, mainly social anxiety (which my husband has a little bit of also). The two of them are so much alike, that's probably where he gets it from. I've learned that when it comes to my husband, having a caring and optimistic outlook helps him to control his OCD moreso then me freaking out and giving him a hard time. If I stay calm, he calms down. I am willing to help him any way I can. I love him unconditionally, OCD and all. Link to post Share on other sites
laRubiaBonita Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 My FIL does have issues with anxiety, mainly social anxiety (which my husband has a little bit of also). The two of them are so much alike, that's probably where he gets it from. I've learned that when it comes to my husband, having a caring and optimistic outlook helps him to control his OCD moreso then me freaking out and giving him a hard time. If I stay calm, he calms down. I am willing to help him any way I can. I love him unconditionally, OCD and all. All the more reason for him to get help before kids. do you really want your children to grow up with this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 All the more reason for him to get help before kids. do you really want your children to grow up with this? No, but it's possible they will inherit it because he has it. Just like they could get something from me. I don't actually think it was the way he was raised that made him like this, I think it's just him. His mom doesn't act this way and neither do his brother or sister. His dad his dad has OCD/anxiety of a different kind, it's not the neat freak cleaning kind. But I see what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
SuzieWong Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 We don't even have a house, it's a two bedroom apartment! I have no idea how it gets so messy honestly. That's something I haven't figured out yet. We considered getting a housekeeper, but we don't know if it is worth it for an apt. Maybe they wouldn't charge as much though? I don't know. It is worth it for your health and for his sanity. It is only eight weeks. Do it. You will both be happier. How dare he make you sign something. I do not know what type of surgery you had but why is your health not his first priority? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 It is worth it for your health and for his sanity. It is only eight weeks. Do it. You will both be happier. How dare he make you sign something. I do not know what type of surgery you had but why is your health not his first priority? Because he has OCD. He thinks irrationally, I think he truley does think of my health as his first priority, but then his anxiety takes over and makes him think that cleaning is a priority also. It's part of the disorder. I try to be understanding and calm him down so that he can see that my health is more important and so that he can begin to think in a rational mindset again. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 LB, one thing I think that is important to note is this: If he has legitimate OCD, making fun of him and his anxiety (i.e., calling him Gary Poppins) isn't going to help either one of you. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Because he has OCD. He thinks irrationally, I think he truley does think of my health as his first priority, but then his anxiety takes over and makes him think that cleaning is a priority also. It's part of the disorder. I try to be understanding and calm him down so that he can see that my health is more important and so that he can begin to think in a rational mindset again. But is he being treated for OCD? I have anxiety issues myself, as well as a child with similar issues. I completely understand the dynamic between calm and improving rational thought and function. But at some point, with my child, I had to admit that my patience and "bending over backward" was accomodating inappropriate responses, and ultimately holding my child back. It's a tricky line to walk, for sure, but there is a definitely a place for "tough love" and refusing to accomodate irrational demands. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lauriebell82 Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 LB, one thing I think that is important to note is this: If he has legitimate OCD, making fun of him and his anxiety (i.e., calling him Gary Poppins) isn't going to help either one of you. Yeah, this is true. I guess I do it for my own sanity, like comic relief to make the situation lighter. But is he being treated for OCD? I have anxiety issues myself, as well as a child with similar issues. I completely understand the dynamic between calm and improving rational thought and function. But at some point, with my child, I had to admit that my patience and "bending over backward" was accomodating inappropriate responses, and ultimately holding my child back. It's a tricky line to walk, for sure, but there is a definitely a place for "tough love" and refusing to accomodate irrational demands. No, he is not being treated for OCD and does not want to be. I don't accomodate innapropriate responses. Like tonight he was asking me if I could do the laundry tomorrow, I told him that I can't carry the baskets or bend over. He started to get anxious and said that I have been "up and about" so I can "probably do that." I told him I need to get cleared by the doctor and asked if the laundry was more important then me and my recovery. I guess he realized what he was doing because he said "of course not" and apologized and told me how much he loved me. I said that I would help him fold the clothes and he agreed. So I guess what I am trying to say is that yes, I am understanding and calm, but I also don't act like a pushover either. You are right that it's a tricky line. Link to post Share on other sites
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