marqueemoon4 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 I keep getting feedback that its "selfish" at this point to continue to pine for and miss my stbx as much as I do. The idea is instead of thinking of other people I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I should get over it. I should spend more time treating people like my family better, etc. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Cee Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 Focusing your energy on another person is a way of taking the focus off yourself. It takes practice to refocus, but here are some examples: Old You: "Today is my ex's birthday. I miss the X so, so much. And I'm mad at him. I bet he is having a great day with his new GF/BF, blah, blah, blah" New You: "Today is my ex's birthday. Oops, thinking about X again. What am I going to do today? I haven't seen my best friend in awhile. I want to know how that new job is working out for him. Maybe, I'll hit the gym and work out. I feel so good when I exercise" OR Old You to friend: I am thinking about the ex again. I can't get past this, blah, blah, bitter comment, blah, blah, depressed comment, blah. New You to friend: I am thinking about the ex again. Sorry, scratch that. How are you doing? How is your daughter Rachel. Did she make the track team? Do you get the picture? It's about redirecting your energy toward yourself and the people you love. It takes practice, but it works. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted February 8, 2011 Share Posted February 8, 2011 My initial thought was that "selfish" is rather a provocative term to use in this situation. So, no, I don't think it's selfish to miss someone or pine for them. However, if those feelings are translated into behaviour where you are talking incessantly about your ex to anyone who will listen, whether they are able and willing to support you or not, perhaps that behaviour can be considered self-absorbed. In my experience, sometimes one can run out of people to talk to and rehash with, yet it's not time to let go yet. Even the most dedicated friends can reach their tolerance level when it comes to these things. When you need to vent, I suggest posting here, writing in a journal or talking to a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author marqueemoon4 Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 Really, I think its more stupid than selfish for me to continue caring for this person. Why care for someone who doesn't care for you and treats you like a doormat just to punish you for things that happened years ago? Feels no remorse the hell I've been going through? Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Know exactly how you feel. I have many friends and family who care deeply for me and are always there for me, yet over the last 8 months I've cared for this one person more than any of them, and I feel terrible about that. Do what I do and transfer that anger on to the ex. It's their fault you feel this way. It may help with NC and which in turn will help with moving on to finding someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
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