I feel like I am going crazy...

[worriedsick]

So, here's a short rundown of my situation. I have been married for 13 years and over that period of time, my H and I have had our fair share of problems to deal with (he was unfaithful, money problems including foreclosure of our home, at times that he wasn't cheating he still had profiles on dating sites), and the like. We have made it through all of that and I thought over the past 2-3 years that things were going to be fairly easy. I mean, we have tackled all that past mess, what else could happen, right? Well, I guess I was wrong. IDK how it has happened, but I have developed very strong feelings for a friend of ours. I know it's not at the "love" stage yet (I am not naive), but I know it is more than lust. I love spending time with him and I feel like a crazy person because I wait for the opportunity to talk to him on the computer since we don't actually get to see each other in person more than on the weekends when the whole group of friends is hanging out. I know it is not just me who has feelings, because he and I had a frank discussion about it and agreed that the best approach to prevent any problems is to simply not allow ourselves to be alone together (which really doesn't happen anyway). While that sounds all fine and dandy, I can't get him out of my head and the thought of him only being a friend or imaging him moving on and finding a girlfriend/wife literally brings me to tears. At the same time, I feel guilty as hell because despite all the things my husband has done in the past, he is still a good man and I do love him (although I am going to use a sad cliche and say that I am not sure I am IN love with him). I am not so naive to think that marriages are always like the honeymoon and that you always feel that "butterflies and hot passion" feeling, but I have virtually none of that with my husband. Sex is a chore ad has become such that I sort of feel bad about myself after we do it, like I may as well be a prostitute or something, my heart is that much NOT into it. Again, I love him and he is my best friend and the thought of losing him breaks my heart. I also feel that I owe it to myself and to him to not keep us both in a married that is not everything it should be. I don't have the idea that I am going to leave my husband and move onto this other man, because that's not really how I would want to start (or end) any kind of a relationship. I am really just trying to figure out what my next steps need to be. My thought had been to ask the husband for a separation for a while to allow me to try and clear my head, because I certainly can't do it when he is around because it clouds my judgment. My hope would be that once he and I are apart for a while, I will realize that I do truly want to work on the marriage and fix it, but I am scared that may not happen and the opposite will happen and then I have to file for divorce. I am also afraid that he may tell me no, he won't allow me a trial separation and that if I feel that way, then we should just get divorced now. Any input from anyone would be greatly appreciated, because I am just out of my mind over this and have no idea what to do!!

[TigerCub]

Hey

 

I'm sorry to hear that things are so confusing and sad for you right now.

 

You mentioned all the things you and your H went through and survived. Do you think you dealt with everything?

Did you really deal with the cheating?

 

From what I hear, I understand that relationships/sex gets stale after many years together, but to actually go to the point where you're so not into being intimate with your H that you actually feel like a prostitute after, I think goes a bit too far? I dunno, my first thought when reading your post was that maybe you never fully got over all the problems and now you're resenting him a bit.

 

As far as the trial separation goes - that part also came across as a means of being free just enough that sleeping with this friend wont be cheating.

 

I'm really not judging you or trying to sound mean, but that was my first thought when I read that.

 

If you truly are unhappy and want a divorce, just get one.

If the trial separation is only going to serve as a means of screwing another man without being a cheater - then just skip right over to divorce.

 

If it is, however, a means of seeing if you really want to be with your H - maybe you should do it...I honestly don't know much on these things, cuz I've never been married.

 

Did you guys ever do therapy after his infidelity?

 

I can see from your post that you sound torn and sad, and I'm sorry for that, I do hope that things work out for you. I just hope that you'll be able to figure out the reasons for why suddenly (after surviving so much) you have no interest in your husband.

[worriedsick]

I really don't want to use the trial separation as an excuse to be able to have a "free pass". I really don't think I am capable of that anyway - I would feel horrible regardless of what the situation was, and I want whatever decision I make to be a "clean" one, so to speak. I guess this is the main problem I have - he is trying so hard right now to make me happy and is being amazing about how crazy I am right now, and in turn that just makes me feel even worse for not being able to love him or be intimate with him the way I know we should. My thought was that if he did move out for a while, it would give me a chance to actually think about everything without my head being clouded by how good of a dad he is and how sweet he is trying to be. During the day when he is gone, I have the thought of "Yes, I think him leaving for a while is definitely what needs to happen" but then when he comes home and is bending over backward to be wonderful, I just feel like a bitch and unjustified in my feelings and then I lose my nerve. It has gotten to the point that now I am sort of paralyzed in my fear and can't hide anything anymore. I had hid how unhappy I was for a long time, but don't have the energy to do so anymore. The other day we discussed it and he basically told me that he will be here for however long it takes for me to figure things out (even though I hadn't told him I was considering separation) and again, that made me feel worse.

 

I do realize that there is a bit of resentment there because of the things he has done in the past, but I don't feel right in using them as reasons now, as the "statue of limitations" has passed in my mind. We agreed to move on and not look back. I told him as well that I do feel like part of my problem is just nasty resentment because of all the sacrifices I have made, and his response was basically that he realizes it was hard, but now there is nothing he can do about it anymore, which I true. I made the decision to take him back/forgive him.

 

So, I basically still don't know what I am going to do. I am sure my posts sound like the ramblings of a lunatic, but I keep hoping that by getting everything out, maybe I will have an epiphany and realize what my next steps need to be.

[TigerCub]

I really don't want to use the trial separation as an excuse to be able to have a "free pass". I really don't think I am capable of that anyway - I would feel horrible regardless of what the situation was, and I want whatever decision I make to be a "clean" one, so to speak. I guess this is the main problem I have - he is trying so hard right now to make me happy and is being amazing about how crazy I am right now, and in turn that just makes me feel even worse for not being able to love him or be intimate with him the way I know we should. My thought was that if he did move out for a while, it would give me a chance to actually think about everything without my head being clouded by how good of a dad he is and how sweet he is trying to be. During the day when he is gone, I have the thought of "Yes, I think him leaving for a while is definitely what needs to happen" but then when he comes home and is bending over backward to be wonderful, I just feel like a bitch and unjustified in my feelings and then I lose my nerve. It has gotten to the point that now I am sort of paralyzed in my fear and can't hide anything anymore. I had hid how unhappy I was for a long time, but don't have the energy to do so anymore. The other day we discussed it and he basically told me that he will be here for however long it takes for me to figure things out (even though I hadn't told him I was considering separation) and again, that made me feel worse.

 

I'm really not trying to make you feel worse, and I do understand what its like to not have strong feelings for someone that clearly wants to make me happy - that does make me feel bad.

 

From the stuff in bold, he does sound like a great guy (I'm sorry to admit this to you). So I think you need to ask yourself Why you really want to have someone like this out of your life?

 

I understand that there is resentment about the past, but what he told you about not being able to do anything about the past (but trying to make you happy now) seems to be the honest truth.

 

I also appreciate your outlook on how you took him back, you chose to forgive him, so you can't really bring all that stuff up again ... but I don't think that means you still shouldn't deal with it.

 

Have you ever considered doing individual therapy to get past these issues?

 

I'm really not trying to make you feel guilty - you feel what you feel.

I'm not trying to tell you to stay with him or leave him.

I just think (as an observer) he seems to be trying to make you happy and that he ONCE did make you happy, maybe IC for you to get past the past would help.

 

Maybe once the resentment from the past is healed, you will find yourself more connected with him, and from there good things will follow.

 

I do wish you luck. I know that you're trying to do the right thing, and you want some happiness - everyone deserves to be happy.

[worriedsick]

Alas, that is part of my main problem - why would any sane woman want a man who is busting his butt to make her happy out of her life? I have the life that all of my friends used to envy and they used to think everything was perfect. I guess I should go to Hollywood because I would be an awesome actress, apparently.

 

I went shopping last night for Valentine's Day cards. That was a God-awful chore, because all of the cards were sappy, sweet, "You are the man of my dreams" and "we will be together forever" crap. I felt like if I bought one of those for him, it would make me an even bigger liar and he would probably think I was even more crazy, especially since I have already told him I am unhappy with our marriage and am not sure what is going to happen with us. He is also planning our Valentine's date for this weekend (since we can't and won't go out on actual V-day because of crowds and lack of babysitters). I should be excited and instead I have a pit in my stomach the size of Texas. I know he is going to expect me to be able to engage not only in some kind of conversation, but also sex after the date is over. I can barely muster talking about what we are watching on TV when it is directly in front of us, let alone be put in a "romantic" situation and have to function, and from my previous posts, it is obvious how I feel about the sex situation. Even trying to dissociate myself from it and go to a fantasy world doesn't work - I find myself thinking about the other guy that I have feelings for, which compounds my guilt to the millionth power and then I end up wanting to cry because I realize that he is not something I can have at this point in my life and the thought of him moving on kills me. I know, it sounds like I am trying to justify something, but I really am not. This is how it feels - when I am with my husband, I feel like a sad shell of a person, just going through the motions of what I am supposed to do (but I still love him, so I can't bring myself to make a decision about our relationship at this point). When I am with the other guy, even though it is always in a group setting with a bunch of our friends, I feel like I haven't felt in years. I actually feel like a "real person" instead of the housewife and soccer mom I have become. When he leaves, I go back to feeling like a zombie and just counting down until our next group gathering so I can see him again. This is a sad, horrible existence but I feel like at the moment I am paralyzed to do anything to fix it. I am usually in control of everything, so this loss of control is absolutely maddening!!

[tropicalfox]

I am going to make some assumptions based what I've read from you and also on from what I've seen repeat itself over and over and over...I am not at all trying to lay blame or judge you but this situation is not at all unique.

 

You are VERY much in love and infatuated with the other man (OM). You wouldn't be posting here if you weren't. Your ironic guilt lies in the fact that if you allow yourself to share intimacy with your husband, you would be cheating on the OM. I agree with the other poster--your trial separation is an indirect request to pursue the OM without your husband under watch. It's a horrible idea if you want to save your marriage.

 

Ask yourself if you could rid yourself of all communications with the OM for eternity to save your marriage. If the answer is yes then do it and you will be amazed at how your marriage will improve. If the answer is no then you are already deep into an emotional affair with the OM and it's going to be difficult to escape without causing great trauma to a lot of people. I hope you don't have kids if this is the case.

 

As long as the OM is in your life, your husband is just baggage--he doesn't have a chance with you because you are in love with someone else. The best thing to do if you want to save your marriage is to confess to your husband and family so they can support your efforts to rid your life of the OM.

[worriedsick]

While it may appear that I am "in love" with the other man, I don't really believe that is the case. I am not a naive child - I know what love is and isn't. Yes, I do very much enjoy his company and would love to see where it could go were the situation different, this isn't a tawdry affair - like I said before, he is in our circle of friends and we have just gotten to know each other through those avenues, and ours has grown to be a bit stronger than just friendship. However, I do find your comment about my being intimate with my husband feeling like I am cheating on the other guy - I had never really thought about it that way. Cutting the other guy out of my life forever isn't an option either - as stated before, he is part of our circle of friends and by cutting him out, I will have to answer questions to everyone else why and that is not something I want to do. I also don't feel like I can just tell my husband since: 1) Nothing has really happened with the other guy, and 2) We have issues outside of this other guy anyway, so I really don't feel like cutting him out of our lives forever would really fix anything. If I felt like the other guy was the root cause of the problems, I wouldn't hesitate to just cut off contact completely, but it doesn't seem worth it at this point to completely eliminate all of our friends when it won't really fix the situation anyway.

[TigerCub]

Alas, that is part of my main problem - why would any sane woman want a man who is busting his butt to make her happy out of her life?

Well, you're not insane...your feelings just shifted.

You have been through so much with your H, and it seems like a bunch of it was BAD - I'm sure there are risidual negative feelings, so whatever, you feel what you feel don't be so hard on yourself.

 

I have the life that all of my friends used to envy and they used to think everything was perfect. I guess I should go to Hollywood because I would be an awesome actress, apparently.

You're not the only one. A lot of people put on a brave face and just because they're not airing out their dirty laundry, doesn't mean they're acting - it is what it is, that's why there's the saying "ya never know what happens behind closed doors" - so its not just you.

 

I went shopping last night for Valentine's Day cards. That was a God-awful chore, because all of the cards were sappy, sweet, "You are the man of my dreams" and "we will be together forever" crap.

Pleaaase!! those cards are corny and silly - I think so too.

That's why when I get one for my bf, it'll be a funny valentine's day card, or even better, a card for a totally different occasion (we have that as a running joke) - so yeah, I agree those cards are kinda lame

 

I felt like if I bought one of those for him, it would make me an even bigger liar and he would probably think I was even more crazy, especially since I have already told him I am unhappy with our marriage and am not sure what is going to happen with us. He is also planning our Valentine's date for this weekend (since we can't and won't go out on actual V-day because of crowds and lack of babysitters). I should be excited and instead I have a pit in my stomach the size of Texas. I know he is going to expect me to be able to engage not only in some kind of conversation, but also sex after the date is over. I can barely muster talking about what we are watching on TV when it is directly in front of us, let alone be put in a "romantic" situation and have to function, and from my previous posts, it is obvious how I feel about the sex situation. Even trying to dissociate myself from it and go to a fantasy world doesn't work - I find myself thinking about the other guy that I have feelings for, which compounds my guilt to the millionth power and then I end up wanting to cry because I realize that he is not something I can have at this point in my life and the thought of him moving on kills me.

Honestly, if its THAT bad with your H, then you 2 probably shouldn't be together. He deserves to be happy and wanted and feel like the person he cares about is interested and invested in him. It really doesn't sound like that at all here.

 

I'm really not trying to be mean, but if its that bad, that's so unfair to him as well as to you.

 

Does he ever bring anything up and talk about how he's missing certain elements in your relationship?

 

I know, it sounds like I am trying to justify something, but I really am not. This is how it feels - when I am with my husband, I feel like a sad shell of a person, just going through the motions of what I am supposed to do (but I still love him, so I can't bring myself to make a decision about our relationship at this point). When I am with the other guy, even though it is always in a group setting with a bunch of our friends, I feel like I haven't felt in years. I actually feel like a "real person"

The words in bold are some of the things the guy I ended up having an affair with said to me.

He said that being with me made him feel like he's never felt before, made him feel like a lovestruck kid, made him feel alive, etc...

 

What you said really sounds just like that. I'm not saying that you're cheating, I'm just saying that you're on the same wavelength as the xMM I was (unfortunately) caught up with.

 

Its all fantasy..Its an escape from the boring everyday life that married people have, they build up this outside person to be everything their spouse isn't, they build up this fantasy that true love and a real connection could be found with this outside person that's "bringing them back to life" - but its all a fantasy, and it usually doesn't work out (ie. the M people don't leave), or even if they did, then reality usually sets in and that person that seemed so exceptional and perfect and made them feel like nothing else turns out to be HUMAN and flawed. Suddenly, the fantasy loses all its luster when it becomes a reality.

 

The grass is not greener on the other side.

 

I'm just telling you about my experience and what I've heard the guy that claimed to love me say - but I understand now that I was just an escape, a fantasy and nothing more.

 

instead of the housewife and soccer mom I have become.

There is no shame in being a good mom. Taking your kids to their activities and supporting them - that's what all parents should be doing.

 

As far as feeling like you've accomplished nothing more than that - that's up to you. Figure out what you want to do career wise, get your own hobbies, make some goals and achieve them.

[tropicalfox]

While it may appear that I am "in love" with the other man, I don't really believe that is the case. I am not a naive child - I know what love is and isn't. Yes, I do very much enjoy his company and would love to see where it could go were the situation different, this isn't a tawdry affair - like I said before, he is in our circle of friends and we have just gotten to know each other through those avenues, and ours has grown to be a bit stronger than just friendship. However, I do find your comment about my being intimate with my husband feeling like I am cheating on the other guy - I had never really thought about it that way. Cutting the other guy out of my life forever isn't an option either - as stated before, he is part of our circle of friends and by cutting him out, I will have to answer questions to everyone else why and that is not something I want to do. I also don't feel like I can just tell my husband since: 1) Nothing has really happened with the other guy, and 2) We have issues outside of this other guy anyway, so I really don't feel like cutting him out of our lives forever would really fix anything. If I felt like the other guy was the root cause of the problems, I wouldn't hesitate to just cut off contact completely, but it doesn't seem worth it at this point to completely eliminate all of our friends when it won't really fix the situation anyway.

 

If it's stronger than friendship then what do you call it? If the thought of him marrying someone else brings you to tears then what do you call it?? It doesn't have to be classified as a tawdry affair to be an affair. You are emotionally attached to this guy and that is preventing you from giving yourself fully to your husband.

 

I am only saying this because I have seen it happen many times. You were hurt by your husband because of his previous indiscresions and have never fully forgiven him. This man has come into your life and something has been awakened inside of you that's been missing for a long time. You feel "alive" again when you are with this man. The fantasy of being with him gives you hope. Tell me this isn't you?? This will become a full blown physical affair if it continues. How will you explain that to your circle of friends?

 

It is absolutely critical that you cut this man out of your life completely if you want to recover your marriage. Your husband and friends would understand if you explain why--they might be upset at first but your marriage should be more important then caring what outsiders think. Otherwise, I think your marriage is doomed. You are living to please the OM and not your husband. In addition, it is likely that a relationship with the OM would fail as well.

[worriedsick]

While I don't disagree with you that perhaps cutting the other guy out of my life completely may be the easiest solution to our problem (momentarily until the real problems in my marriage resurface), it simply is not able to happen. I don't know about anyone else, but I have no desire to air my dirty laundry to a large group of people and face their judgment.

[tropicalfox]

I don't know about anyone else, but I have no desire to air my dirty laundry to a large group of people and face their judgment.

 

So what are your options? Separate from your husband and create an environment that will encourage you to freely pursue the OM? Would you have difficulty explaining that to your friends?

 

I don't want to come off harsh--I see the quandary that you are in. However, I've seen this happen many times. Most married people are going to meet a few people throughout their lives who seem like a better match for them than their spouse is--especially in times of marital strife. However, when it comes down to it these outsiders aren't any better than their current spouses (most are worse)--you just don't see the baggage that 10 years of marriage and raising kids brings out.

 

Rather than separation at a time like this, you need to spend MORE time with your husband. Date him. Connect with him. Compliment him. Respect him. You'll be amazed at what this will do for both of you.

[worriedsick]

Rather than separation at a time like this, you need to spend MORE time with your husband. Date him. Connect with him. Compliment him. Respect him. You'll be amazed at what this will do for both of you.

 

Yes, I know that would be the best but the thought of having to squelch my feeling and be fake makes me angry to the point that I want to scream. I have already made the decision that I am going to keep contact with the OM to a minimum and avoid him if at all possible. Now, I am just left feeling pissed and crabby and sort of resentful of my H because I won't see the OM anymore, even though it's not even his fault. I have fallen into a really nasty attitude about it in the past few days and it has now grown into me hating every aspect of the life I have gotten myself into. I go between being really sad and guilty to mad and resentful. Maybe I should just start dosing myself with antidepressants so I don't actually realize I am unhappy anymore.

[tropicalfox]

Worriedsick, if you read between lines you can tell I am pro-marriage based on what you've said here. You say many positive things about your husband in your posts which leads me to believe that he is not all that bad. You are just bored. You are seeking change, excitement, and passion. Well, that comes from within. Stop fantasizing about what you think you are entitled to. This will make for short term happiness but long term misery. Think about what you have now and how YOU can change to make your life better.

[You Go Girl]

I don't think it is as simple as some of you would like it to be--that she gets OM out of her head and somehow falls back in love with her husband.

 

I get more of the feeling that she found Hope again when she felt something for the OM. It is not an affair by any degree. She has been missing hope and true intimacy for a long time.

 

So she's weighing her options. Actually considering that their might be a happier life out there.

And there very well might be.

And then again, her life could take a horrible turn for the worse if she left her H.

Thing is, nobody has a crystal ball.

 

To thine own self be true...that's the only choice.

 

I think, worried sick, that you continue on as you are now, and try things to improve the emotional intimacy between you and your H.

You give it your all. You start sharing more of your real emotions, and start not ignoring them or putting on a false face in front of him.

You tell him that you feel the two of you are nowhere near as close as need to be.

Then the two of you fumble through--visit marriage builders site on the web--at least give it a go--

and, then, if it still feels like a dark pit in your stomach--and only then--

you go for your freedom.

At least you tried.

Pretend the OM gets hit by a bus and dies.

What decision would you make then?

[dreamingoftigers]

I don't think it is as simple as some of you would like it to be--that she gets OM out of her head and somehow falls back in love with her husband.

 

I get more of the feeling that she found Hope again when she felt something for the OM. It is not an affair by any degree. She has been missing hope and true intimacy for a long time.

 

So she's weighing her options. Actually considering that their might be a happier life out there.

And there very well might be.

And then again, her life could take a horrible turn for the worse if she left her H.

Thing is, nobody has a crystal ball.

 

To thine own self be true...that's the only choice.

 

I think, worried sick, that you continue on as you are now, and try things to improve the emotional intimacy between you and your H.

You give it your all. You start sharing more of your real emotions, and start not ignoring them or putting on a false face in front of him.

You tell him that you feel the two of you are nowhere near as close as need to be.

Then the two of you fumble through--visit marriage builders site on the web--at least give it a go--

and, then, if it still feels like a dark pit in your stomach--and only then--

you go for your freedom.

At least you tried.

Pretend the OM gets hit by a bus and dies.

What decision would you make then?

 

I was so glad when I saw You Go Girl post up! Okay..... Let's get started!

 

You got yourself a recovered cheating husband who did the betrayal nit once but a bunch of times. That does something to you. Something really tough to recover from.

 

This is not about BOREDOM. There is nothing boring about being on edge with a cheater. There us always that sick sense of insecurity until it is truly positive that it us really finally over and that he really wants you.

 

I feel that slutty/ashamed feeling when it comes to sex with my husband too. It's like: if your husband would sleep with easy sluts, it makes you feel like an easy slut. Or like you are doing something shameful. Or you wonder if he us thinking about one if them instead. It kills passion by the boatload to think you are one in a crowd I instead if something special. And I bet hd doesn't treat you like you are the sexual pinnacle if a lifetime because often these cheating guys don't have any clue that that is important or else they wouldn't have done their stupidity in the first Place.

 

As well there tends to be heavy flip-flops in relationships like these. Just is. First he will be underfunctioning relationally and you will be trying to pick up the pieces and save everything. Then he starts to dig his head out if his ass, realize what he us doing and starts to overfunction to save everything, causing you to take a step back a check out. The imbalance still leaves you with that sense of wanting a connection with someone instead of a weird imbalance.

 

Oddly enough if you were to talk to him about separating you would probably be more comforted by him being upset and saying something like: "you can't leave me, the sex is too incredible, I would want to kill any man that got within ten feet of you."

 

He took all of that passion and security away and now he wouldn't know where to begin. OM is a symptom of the issue, a mere triangulation and foot-note to the situation.

 

Or am I just reading in too much here?

[worriedsick]

Ok, so it's been about a month since I started this thread, and unfortunately the situation hasn't really improved and in fact, I think it has gotten worse. Before I kept trying to push feelings under the rug and write things off as simply being a stupid crush and that the other guy was just a symptom of a problem, as many said. Unfortunately I don't think that is true. I came the realization this weekend that I may in fact be in love with the other guy. What made me start to realize this was two things. One, our friends have been trying to set him up on dates with girls, and this made me insanely jealous. It makes me even more jealous to think of OM with another girl than it does for me to picture my husband with another woman. Crazy, I know. Second, he mentioned a few weeks ago that he is considering moving out of state and I had to choke back the tears I felt so that no one would see my craziness. I think I would simply break down if either of these two things actually happened.

 

As you can read from previous, my husband did cheat on me years ago and I thought we had moved past it. He moved past it, but I apparently haven't. When I told him that I still think about it and that it upsets me, he basically told me the statute of limitations was up on that and that it can no longer be a factor in our lives. He told me that if it is going to be an issue, then perhaps we need to split up because he refuses to discuss it anymore and that I need to let it go. Now, I am struggling to decide what to do. At the moment, I am paralyzed with fear (figuratively speaking) and can't make a decision at all. I guess maybe I am waiting for some catalyst to set everything in motion. While I am too scared to make the first move and tell the husband that I want a divorce, I also am not 100% sure I want that either. I am sure there are others out there who have felt nutty like this as well, and I would love to hear from someone about what they did. Preferably I would not like to be called a cheating whore or slut, because I am not that. I am simply someone who has busted their butt for 13 years to make something work that underneath it all may have been too broken in the first place, and am now exhausted mentally from feeling like I have been the one to bend over backwards while that was not reciprocated.

[Kivu]

Ok, so it's been about a month since I started this thread, and unfortunately the situation hasn't really improved and in fact, I think it has gotten worse. Before I kept trying to push feelings under the rug and write things off as simply being a stupid crush and that the other guy was just a symptom of a problem, as many said. Unfortunately I don't think that is true. I came the realization this weekend that I may in fact be in love with the other guy. What made me start to realize this was two things. One, our friends have been trying to set him up on dates with girls, and this made me insanely jealous. It makes me even more jealous to think of OM with another girl than it does for me to picture my husband with another woman. Crazy, I know. Second, he mentioned a few weeks ago that he is considering moving out of state and I had to choke back the tears I felt so that no one would see my craziness. I think I would simply break down if either of these two things actually happened.

 

Just because you're jealous or upset that he's leaving doesn't mean you're in love. That just means you're jealous and unhappy about him leaving.

 

Do you have an intense emotional bond? Is he your best friend? Does he know everything about you, and do you know everything about him? Do you know his faults and love him anyway? Do you feel comfortable around him and not nervous? Do you feel like you can tell him anything and not put him off? Could you spend days at a time with him and not get bored with him?

 

As you can read from previous, my husband did cheat on me years ago and I thought we had moved past it. He moved past it, but I apparently haven't. When I told him that I still think about it and that it upsets me, he basically told me the statute of limitations was up on that and that it can no longer be a factor in our lives. He told me that if it is going to be an issue, then perhaps we need to split up because he refuses to discuss it anymore and that I need to let it go. Now, I am struggling to decide what to do. At the moment, I am paralyzed with fear (figuratively speaking) and can't make a decision at all. I guess maybe I am waiting for some catalyst to set everything in motion. While I am too scared to make the first move and tell the husband that I want a divorce, I also am not 100% sure I want that either. I am sure there are others out there who have felt nutty like this as well, and I would love to hear from someone about what they did. Preferably I would not like to be called a cheating whore or slut, because I am not that. I am simply someone who has busted their butt for 13 years to make something work that underneath it all may have been too broken in the first place, and am now exhausted mentally from feeling like I have been the one to bend over backwards while that was not reciprocated.

 

Honestly I feel that part of your problem with the OM comes from the fact that you haven't let your husband's cheating go yet. I think you may be secretly wishing that you COULD have an affair of your own to even the score with your husband, but because you don't ACTUALLY want an affair that you won't go through with it. I think it's probably fun for you to dream about the OM and have this fantasy where it'd be perfect if you were together as an escape for when your husband's cheating is making you particularly miserable.

 

I think that's not "nutty" at all. I've had thoughts along similar lines when my husband is being his nasty, controlling, bitchy self. "He's an *******," I'll tell myself, and then envision the guy that my husband should be -- sweet, thoughtful, opens doors, reads to me at night, lets me cook without shouting at me about how I chop vegetables, etc.

 

It looks to me like you're created the husband that you want in this OM, and you're crushing (understandably!) but not in love.

 

In my opinion, if you are still unhappy about your husband cheating on you, and you're not happy with him in general, leave the bastard. You are probably not going to get over it at this point, if it's been years.

 

Then you can find someone that you're actually in love with, instead of dreaming about a guy.

[worriedsick]

 

Do you have an intense emotional bond? Is he your best friend? Does he know everything about you, and do you know everything about him? Do you know his faults and love him anyway? Do you feel comfortable around him and not nervous? Do you feel like you can tell him anything and not put him off? Could you spend days at a time with him and not get bored with him?

 

 

 

 

To answer the question, it is mostly yes. I don't think you can know absolutely everything about a person until you've know them for years and years. Hell, my husband and I were married for years before I felt like we knew absolutely EVERYTHING about him. As for the OM, I have known him a year, and I do feel we know a great deal about each other. The only reason I feel nervous around him is when my husband is around because I am on guard constantly trying to make sure I keep everything in check so as to not leak anything I am feeling out. And I am pretty sure I could spend days on end with him and not get bored. I am just happy to sit and watch TV with him when he comes over to our house. Just being around him makes me happy, and I literally run a countdown until the next time I know I will get to see him, even though nothing "exciting" happens whenever we see each other. We are simply hanging out, and that in itself makes me happy.

 

I've tried to minimize the feelings for a long time and tell myself they aren't what I think they are, but I don't feel like I can deny it anymore. Now, I have to figure out what my next move is. I am so scared I am not even sure where to start!