Still hurting after 4 years

[Lotus.Flower]

Hi all. I'm new here. I'm glad I found this forum, because I really don't talk to anyone about my situation. I'm embarrassed to admit that my partner ended things over 4 years ago, and I am still hurting. Everybody thinks I should be over it by now. Most of the people I know just drift from relationship to relationship, so they can't imagine mourning over a relationship for years.

 

While I've never been one to jump from one person to the next, I also never experienced this kind of pain after a break up, and certainly never for this long. My ex moved on long ago. Hell, she had moved on while we were still living under the same roof. She has had 3 or so different relationships since we ended, and had a commitment ceremony with the 3rd one last year. We've been NC off and on, but I'm sure it's for good this time (7 months straight so far, the longest we've gone).

 

I feel like I'm rambling, and I don't really know the point of this post other than to try to put my sadness outside of myself for a little while, and to share my feelings in a place where maybe I won't be judged so harshly for not "moving on" as quickly some people think I should. I guess maybe I wonder if anyone else has ever felt stuck for this long. I've talked with a counselor, but it didn't seem to help. Every morning I wake up to that familiar pain in the pit of my stomach, and every night my last thought before I fall asleep is her. Thank you for listening.

[starstudit]

Hey i'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling with your breakup. How long were the two of you together? Wish i could say something to you that might help you, but my relationship just recently ended a month ago after 6 years so I am tryin to figure out how to get thru this myself.

[Lotus.Flower]

Thanks for your response. I'm sorry to hear about your situation as well. We were together for two and a half years. I know, it doesn't seem very long. And I'm sure it's strange to still be dealing with the break up longer than the relationship itself lasted. But it's a long story that I won't get into here. The thing is, it's not like I even want to be with her.

 

I think my pain comes more from the way things were handled, the lack of respect, being mistreated and dismissed. It was like I went from living with my partner and best friend to living with a hateful stranger in the blink of an eye. I had never experienced anything like that before. Sometimes I wonder if she's actually evil or just all kinds of crazy. I guess it doesn't matter, in the end result is the same. I just have to accept that life doesn't always make sense, and people don't always make sense. I'm a very logical, analytical type of person and I need to have an answer for everything. But as we all know logic often has to be thrown out the window when it comes to dealing with human beings and their behavior.

[sao2]

I know the feeling. I have been stuck for 3.5 years myself. I think in my case it is because someone I thought so highly of, and still actually do think highly of her. Yet still, it went to crap.

 

Just to let you know. You are not alone in feeling this way although I must say I am starting to get better.

[Andymack]

I'm no expert at this but it sounds like the contact you have had with her hasn't really helped. You say that this is the longest time that you have had no contact and its been 7 months so it doesn't seem like you've given yourself enough time to heal properly as you've always got that reminder of your ex and know what she's doing and what she's up to along with all the "what ifs" when you see or speak to her. I know how hard it is as today I was seriously considering speaking to my ex to try and get some answers as to our break up.

 

I think the only thing you can do is keep the no contact which seems like what you are going to be doing anyway and hopefully in time the pain will subside. I don't think you want to be on here in another 4 years saying the same thing so all you can do is cut ties and start (or continue) the healing process.

 

I understand what you mean about the person you loved turning into a stranger and acting like they never cared about you in the first place. My ex had the most warm hearted fun demeanour of anyone I have ever met and now to me she is beyond cold bordering on irrational and being really petty. I can't imagine she's changed that much, just with me.

[Manutara]

There's nothing to be ashamed about being someone who doesn't jump from one relationship to another...it will show your next partner that you're a serious and committed person. However, not getting back into the dating game is another matter, and from your post it doesn't sound like you've really got out there to try and find someone else better suited for you.

 

Given you don't want her back, have you written down a list of things that you really didn't like about her and the realtionship you had with her? I found it helped enormously to move on, and to start looking for something better.

 

Until you accept that it's over, go 100% NC and get out there and meet new people, getting over your ex is going to always be difficult. No-one said that it was easy, but this site is full of really good advice, and I guarantee that if you do the hard work, you'll come out the other side a stronger person.

 

Good luck!

[willowthewisp]

I'm no expert at this but it sounds like the contact you have had with her hasn't really helped. You say that this is the longest time that you have had no contact and its been 7 months so it doesn't seem like you've given yourself enough time to heal properly as you've always got that reminder of your ex and know what she's doing and what she's up to along with all the "what ifs" when you see or speak to her. I know how hard it is as today I was seriously considering speaking to my ex to try and get some answers as to our break up.

 

I think the only thing you can do is keep the no contact which seems like what you are going to be doing anyway and hopefully in time the pain will subside. I don't think you want to be on here in another 4 years saying the same thing so all you can do is cut ties and start (or continue) the healing process.

 

I understand what you mean about the person you loved turning into a stranger and acting like they never cared about you in the first place. My ex had the most warm hearted fun demeanour of anyone I have ever met and now to me she is beyond cold bordering on irrational and being really petty. I can't imagine she's changed that much, just with me.[/QUOTE]

 

Hi Lotus and Andymack,

 

The bolded part is the key to moving on I think, it isn't that they changed or that they just changed with you, what you are seeing IS a part of who they really are, it's just you never saw what they are capable of before now because they were choosing not to show it. Focus on it, because when you do you may come to realise that actually you don't want to be with a person who is capable of behaving like that towards you or anyone else for that matter.

I hope this helps Lotus. Also, may I suggest you try a different counsellor? My IC helped me more than I ever thought would be possible, it may just be that the one you saw was not really in tune with you? As long as you are honest with them and willing to look at anything that you need to, then I am sure they will be able to help.

 

Keep posting here as well, it's horrible when you feel you can't talk to anyone, I know that feeling as well, my ex left almost two years ago and I still have bad days sometimes and yet i don't feel I can say anything to anyone because of the length of time.

Edited February 9, 2011 by willowthewisp

[Lotus.Flower]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your replies.

 

Sao2 - I completely understand what you mean about thinking highly of the person. Only for me, I no longer think highly of her at all. I used to have tremendous respect for her, but that is all gone now. But it is painful to see such a different side of someone that I once thought the world of.

 

Andymack - You are right. We had communicated off and on. It was sporadic, happy birthday here, happy holidays there. Nothing all that intense, but it was something and I admit it did still make me feel connected to her, even if in just a small way. I know about what's going on in her life because we know many of the same people, and the gay/lesbian community in my area is rather small.

 

I have actually been thinking of relocating. I think that would be a good thing for me. I moved to this area to be with her (a mistake I will never make again). I never really cared for the area all that much, but I stayed after the break up because of work and in the midst of all the crazy changes in my life, I felt a strange comfort in being in a place that I come to know pretty well, even if it wasn't my favorite place in the world. But now I feel like every place I go is just a reminder of what used to be, and I don't want to be sitting her 5 years from now wishing I had moved when I had the chance.

 

I can't imagine she's changed that much, just with me.

This is an excellent quote, and I couldn't have said it better myself. I've seen my ex be her regular, happy, charismatic self around other people. But apparently there's something about me that makes her become a different person.

 

Manutara - I'm really not interested in dating anyone right now. I am focusing on myself, re-directing the energy that I would put into a relationship into improving myself and my life. I've never had a problem with being alone.

I actually do have a list! It's on my computer and I go back and read it when I start to feel really down. The thing is, my heart and mind can't quite seem to get on the same page. It's like I know in my mind that this person is not good for me, that I deserve better than someone who could hurt a person the way she hurt me. But then when the list is out of sight my heart decides to sucker punch my logical mind, and I start remembering the good times.

 

I will get through this, I know. It just helps to be able to share with people who can relate. Thanks again everyone!

[willowthewisp]

Thanks everyone. I really appreciate your replies.

 

Sao2 - I completely understand what you mean about thinking highly of the person. Only for me, I no longer think highly of her at all. I used to have tremendous respect for her, but that is all gone now. But it is painful to see such a different side of someone that I once thought the world of.

 

Andymack - You are right. We had communicated off and on. It was sporadic, happy birthday here, happy holidays there. Nothing all that intense, but it was something and I admit it did still make me feel connected to her, even if in just a small way. I know about what's going on in her life because we know many of the same people, and the gay/lesbian community in my area is rather small.

 

I have actually been thinking of relocating. I think that would be a good thing for me. I moved to this area to be with her (a mistake I will never make again). I never really cared for the area all that much, but I stayed after the break up because of work and in the midst of all the crazy changes in my life, I felt a strange comfort in being in a place that I come to know pretty well, even if it wasn't my favorite place in the world. But now I feel like every place I go is just a reminder of what used to be, and I don't want to be sitting her 5 years from now wishing I had moved when I had the chance.

 

 

This is an excellent quote, and I couldn't have said it better myself. I've seen my ex be her regular, happy, charismatic self around other people. But apparently there's something about me that makes her become a different person.

 

Manutara - I'm really not interested in dating anyone right now. I am focusing on myself, re-directing the energy that I would put into a relationship into improving myself and my life. I've never had a problem with being alone.

I actually do have a list! It's on my computer and I go back and read it when I start to feel really down. The thing is, my heart and mind can't quite seem to get on the same page. It's like I know in my mind that this person is not good for me, that I deserve better than someone who could hurt a person the way she hurt me. But then when the list is out of sight my heart decides to sucker punch my logical mind, and I start remembering the good times.

 

I will get through this, I know. It just helps to be able to share with people who can relate. Thanks again everyone!

 

No one is responsible for the way another person chooses to behave, her behaviour is part of her personality and her personality has not warped when she is with you because of you. You didn't make her behave in any way at all, and the fact she behaves differently with other people doesn't mean it is you, just that she is only showing one part of herself, people have many dimensions to their personality, we don't see all of it all of the time.

 

If you think back over your relationship with her you may be surprised to discover that some things she said and did which you interpreted one way at the time were actually an indication of the side to her you saw on her leaving. This where IC can really help. When we believe someone to be a good, decent person, whom we hold in high regard and love and trust, we very often miss the sighs of the more negative aspects of their personality or interpret them to mean something else. That's why there is the old saying "love is blind".

 

I hope what i am trying to say makes sense, it's very difficult to describe! LOL

[Lotus.Flower]

Yep, willow, you made perfect sense. People have the ability to be chameleons, some more than others. And love certainly can make us overlook or make excuses for all kinds of behavior. Sometimes I think she is cold and negative towards me simply because I have seen that other side of her and I know all too well what she is capable of. Her friends adore and basically think she can do no wrong. But although they have been friends for many years, being someone's friend is very different from living with someone and sharing a life with them.

 

I think that she is convinced that this ideal view of her that her friends have is really who she is. And while that may be part of her, it certainly isn't all of her (or even the main part). And I think that she chooses to ignore anything or anyone that would force her to confront that darker part of herself. She even told me about a year ago that she knows she's not the best person and she knows she needs to work on herself, but she may never do that and she's not ready to do any real introspection. So instead of looking inside herself, she gave a woman a ring, had a commitment ceremony, and declared that she's the happiest she has ever been. And she very well may be. But I don't believe that stuff inside her just went away because she chose to turn a blind eye to it.

[Andymack]

I'm no expert at this but it sounds like the contact you have had with her hasn't really helped. You say that this is the longest time that you have had no contact and its been 7 months so it doesn't seem like you've given yourself enough time to heal properly as you've always got that reminder of your ex and know what she's doing and what she's up to along with all the "what ifs" when you see or speak to her. I know how hard it is as today I was seriously considering speaking to my ex to try and get some answers as to our break up.

 

I think the only thing you can do is keep the no contact which seems like what you are going to be doing anyway and hopefully in time the pain will subside. I don't think you want to be on here in another 4 years saying the same thing so all you can do is cut ties and start (or continue) the healing process.

 

I understand what you mean about the person you loved turning into a stranger and acting like they never cared about you in the first place. My ex had the most warm hearted fun demeanour of anyone I have ever met and now to me she is beyond cold bordering on irrational and being really petty. I can't imagine she's changed that much, just with me.

 

Hi Lotus and Andymack,

 

The bolded part is the key to moving on I think, it isn't that they changed or that they just changed with you, what you are seeing IS a part of who they really are, it's just you never saw what they are capable of before now because they were choosing not to show it. Focus on it, because when you do you may come to realise that actually you don't want to be with a person who is capable of behaving like that towards you or anyone else for that matter.

Well that's the way she is now, but I kind of think I understand why she's like that. I went to get my stuff from her house when she wasn't there and saw her sister and wanted to organise it with her. I think she saw that as stepping over a boundary that i shouldn't have done. But to cut a long story short we had a massive text argument, I didn't get my stuff and she blamed me for some stuff that she was pissed off about so I said I'd never contact her again. I'm pretty sure she just got angry with me and I think she'll get over it in time, but it's not really how I wanted to leave things. At least that will keep me in NC

[sedgwick]

I'm also at four years. No dating and no contact in that time, except for one phone call (from him) where I told him it was reconciliation or nothing. I'm still in a lot of pain over it and think about him constantly. I've never had this kind of trouble getting over someone. It really sucks; I feel your pain.

[Graceful]

Lotus Flower,

 

I don't think your issues stem only from your breakup since it has now been four years and you are still grieving.

 

By this I mean that there may have been other underlying problems in your life that your relationship masked and helped you to conceal, and when the breakup occurred, many of the issues re-surfaced.

 

I'm not sure if you had much experience with relationships and you were thrown for a loop, but was there anything else in your life that bothered or hurt you? Did you have other insecurities or low self-esteem? Just asking because while I certainly think that it's ok for you to still feel bad about a very tough breakup, you should be further along at this point.

 

You have also said you have not gone NC until 7 months ago, and I think you know that has held you back. You really need to keep NC, it is critical to your healing. You need to stay away from the source of your pain and the person who has hurt you so badly. I realize you said you tried a counselor, but perhaps you should see someone else. You may be clinically depressed at this point and this would surpass the breakup. Just trying to help you see that there could be other issues at hand for you, so you can think about getting the help you need. Take care.

 

Hi all. I'm new here. I'm glad I found this forum, because I really don't talk to anyone about my situation. I'm embarrassed to admit that my partner ended things over 4 years ago, and I am still hurting. Everybody thinks I should be over it by now. Most of the people I know just drift from relationship to relationship, so they can't imagine mourning over a relationship for years.

 

While I've never been one to jump from one person to the next, I also never experienced this kind of pain after a break up, and certainly never for this long. My ex moved on long ago. Hell, she had moved on while we were still living under the same roof. She has had 3 or so different relationships since we ended, and had a commitment ceremony with the 3rd one last year. We've been NC off and on, but I'm sure it's for good this time (7 months straight so far, the longest we've gone).

 

I feel like I'm rambling, and I don't really know the point of this post other than to try to put my sadness outside of myself for a little while, and to share my feelings in a place where maybe I won't be judged so harshly for not "moving on" as quickly some people think I should. I guess maybe I wonder if anyone else has ever felt stuck for this long. I've talked with a counselor, but it didn't seem to help. Every morning I wake up to that familiar pain in the pit of my stomach, and every night my last thought before I fall asleep is her. Thank you for listening.

[Lotus.Flower]

Hi Graceful. Of course I've had other life issues besides this break up. I'm well on my way to 40, so I've dealt with quite a bit during my time in this world. I'm not new to relationships. This was not my first relationship nor my first break up. I have dealt with depression (outside of any relationship issues), but I know the difference between that and what I feel regarding this particular situation. I just think that we all grieve differently. What may take one person 5 weeks to get over, it could take another person 5 years. It all depends on the individuals and situations involved. I'm not sure that any of us can say how far along someone else should be in their journey, as life is rarely that black and white.

[Lotus.Flower]

I'm also at four years. No dating and no contact in that time, except for one phone call (from him) where I told him it was reconciliation or nothing. I'm still in a lot of pain over it and think about him constantly. I've never had this kind of trouble getting over someone. It really sucks; I feel your pain.

 

Hi sedgwick. Thanks for your response. I'm sorry that you're still hurting as well. We will both be fine. Some wounds just take longer to heal than others, but that's ok. I wish you well.

[Denillad]

LF- I still feel that pain when I wake up and when I go to bed even after 2 years. Ive been doin nc on and off too. It's time to evict him from thoughts now. NC is best way to go n to evict them from out thoughts.

Edited February 9, 2011 by Denillad

[Graceful]

Hi Graceful. Of course I've had other life issues besides this break up. I'm well on my way to 40, so I've dealt with quite a bit during my time in this world. I'm not new to relationships. This was not my first relationship nor my first break up. I have dealt with depression (outside of any relationship issues), but I know the difference between that and what I feel regarding this particular situation. I just think that we all grieve differently. What may take one person 5 weeks to get over, it could take another person 5 years. It all depends on the individuals and situations involved. I'm not sure that any of us can say how far along someone else should be in their journey, as life is rarely that black and white.

 

Hon, didn't mean to hurt or offend you, and am sorry if I did. We do all grieve differently, but this website mostly deals with heartache, and it is very clear that we all have underlying issues that accompany a breakup. Did not mean to imply in the least that there is a template, I'm the last person that would do that. It's just that while any of us are in a relationship, the focus on other life issues can be fogged up. For example, my Dad died during my relationship, which was a very sad time for me, but after the breakup, other issues came to light that brought my Dad's death back into focus. That's the sort of thing I meant. I cried for a year off and on after I was cheated on, and it was the lowest period of my life, so I do share the unrelenting pain you and others have felt and still feel. Please keep NC, your ex is the source of a lot of pain for you, and I hope that you continue to build on what you've worked hard for the past several months. I support you, believe me. All the best. Grace

[jquest1280]

Lotus.Flower, just wanted you to know you are not alone. It also took me nearly 4 years to get over a relationship of 10 months(!). I did, however, take note of the progress along the way. Like, if NC was broken (as we had common friends), I would get depressed for a week. Over time, the recovery period became less. Yes, I also had thoughts of 'this is taking ridiculously long, the rest of the world has moved forward and I am still stuck here, missing him'.

 

Do what makes YOU happy. If your life were made into a movie, how would you like it to end? Take a step towards that happy ending now.

[health]

Hi all. I'm new here. I'm glad I found this forum, because I really don't talk to anyone about my situation. I'm embarrassed to admit that my partner ended things over 4 years ago, and I am still hurting. Everybody thinks I should be over it by now. Most of the people I know just drift from relationship to relationship, so they can't imagine mourning over a relationship for years.

 

While I've never been one to jump from one person to the next, I also never experienced this kind of pain after a break up, and certainly never for this long. My ex moved on long ago. Hell, she had moved on while we were still living under the same roof. She has had 3 or so different relationships since we ended, and had a commitment ceremony with the 3rd one last year. We've been NC off and on, but I'm sure it's for good this time (7 months straight so far, the longest we've gone).

 

I feel like I'm rambling, and I don't really know the point of this post other than to try to put my sadness outside of myself for a little while, and to share my feelings in a place where maybe I won't be judged so harshly for not "moving on" as quickly some people think I should. I guess maybe I wonder if anyone else has ever felt stuck for this long. I've talked with a counselor, but it didn't seem to help. Every morning I wake up to that familiar pain in the pit of my stomach, and every night my last thought before I fall asleep is her. Thank you for listening.

 

Everyone heals at their own pace, don't let anyone tell you different. The contact could have prolonged things. I think it's best you keep busy and try not to look at photos or think of her.

 

I'm over 2 years past my break up - I still wake up in pain and go to bed in pain. Not everyday, but alot. I'm seeing a councilor. I have been with 3 girls since - which didn't help at all - I think I'm going to stay out of the dating game for a year or so.

 

Be strong. It's really tough. Focus on healing.

[selena_cat]

Lotus

 

Maybe this will help,i was reading this Christian book andthe author is real sensitive to the subject of hurting people. People who have been hurt by trusting the wrong person-which I too am guilty of and even now is hard to let go,since it has been almost four years myself.

He wrote about this female caller on this radio show where he was a guest who was still hurt by her divorce,and it has been over a year.

He said something i will never forget,that Time does not heal all wounds.

When you have an infected finger or tooth are you going to let time heal it and let it get worse? No,you have to go to a doctor or specialist,have them open the infection,drain it and then apply medicine so it can hea properly.

 

Same thing with you,I or anyone who cant stop grieving a loss,you have to tell someone,a professional,a really supportive person. Personally I'd rather rely on a couselor at least they have to be there and listen to you. People can act flaky or don't always want to hear your it,unless they are going thru it,it happens.

 

Not all counselors are that effective,I had to switch three counselors before I found the right one,then I had to move away unfortunately I coudnt get therapy from him.

Hopefully this will help,its wonderful to write and post here or other forums smilar to this,but remember your left with yourself and your thoughts,and need more support.

Its no different than someone whose been ill and post how they feel,but in the end they have to go get some kind of medical attention.

 

best of luck!

Edited February 10, 2011 by selena_cat

[Rachel1978]

Lotus,

 

Reading your posts I can totally relate to how you are feeling!

It has been over a year since my break up now and I just feel STUCK!!

I have had my heart broken previous to this relationship but healed over a few months but this time it is the longest, it hurt just as much before too but this constant dull ache in my stomach just won't budge this time!

I have issues which I know will always affect relationships in my life and maybe this is the underlying problem but again in previous relationships these issues were there but yet still this pain lingers on and on...

When I first met him there was an instant reaction for me and I know I will never experience that again and it makes me so sad every day to know I've lost something (a feeling I absolutely loved every time I even glanced at him!)

But I also know that I am much better off without hime and my list of bad things about him would go on but that still doesnt shift this ache in my stomach!

Anyway i just needed a rant I think and I'm sorry I don't have the magic words to make you feel better but I just wanted to say thank you because I related so much to what you posted and it's kind of reassuring to know we're not alone in all this!

[Rachel1978]

 

 

I feel like I'm rambling, and I don't really know the point of this post other than to try to put my sadness outside of myself for a little while, and to share my feelings in a place where maybe I won't be judged so harshly for not "moving on" as quickly some people think I should. I guess maybe I wonder if anyone else has ever felt stuck for this long. I've talked with a counselor, but it didn't seem to help. Every morning I wake up to that familiar pain in the pit of my stomach, and every night my last thought before I fall asleep is her. Thank you for listening.

 

My thoughts exactly!

I am hoping posting here will help put the sadness outside of myself even if only for a little while it might help for a few seconds!

Just typing and ranting I find quite therapeutic!

Edited February 10, 2011 by Rachel1978
Spelling!

[PowerOfOne]

We all miss the loss and the regret that comes with that. The 'if onlys'. So you are not alone.

 

But life does go on and when you've got all your ducks in a row, and you're not expecting it. That special someone comes along.

Edited February 10, 2011 by PowerOfOne

[Rachel1978]

We all miss the loss and the regret that comes with that. The 'if onlys'. So you are not alone.

 

But life does go on and when you've got all your ducks in a row, and you're not expecting it. That special someone comes along.

 

Thanks PowerOfone but I am certainly not rushed to find "that special someone" else.

For one I couldn't bear this pain again and I don't actually mind being on my own, infact it has never been a problem for me in the past, being single is no issue for me what I need is just to stop this constant ache an I can't understand why it wont shift even though I know he was bad for me I still cant get my mind and heart to stop wanting him! So frustrating!!

[PowerOfOne]

I felt that way for a while after my first girlfriend. She was terrible to me. Yet it still took a while to get over her. I was single for a few years after that. Didn't bother me in the slightest though - I had plenty to keep myself busy.

 

Then I met my last ex... Been 2 and a half months now. Still stings everynow and again. At times I really doubt I'll find someone I love as much as her. I wonder if i'll ever be able to invest that much again at the risk of the pain of a breakup. Time will tell.