marqueemoon4 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 the title of this thread always upsets me. srsly, I pray to the good Lord above I'm still not in pain over my divorce 4yrs from now Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lotus.Flower Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 Thanks for the responses everyone. Marqueemoon - Of course no one wants to hurt for an extended amount of time. I doubt that any of us anticipated it, but it is what it is. Like I said earlier, it all depends on the people and situations involved. I know for me, the pain isn't the same as it was in the beginning. It's not that raw, excruciating pain that kept me from getting out of bed in the early days. It's more of a dull, persistent ache. It's kind of hard to explain, and to be honest it's difficult to discuss it with people who haven't experienced it themselves. As someone mentioned earlier, sometimes people in your life just don't want to hear about it. I personally think that more people hurt longer than they let on, but they just never talk to people about what they really feel. Or they just repress their feelings and move on to someone new without dealing with their issues. In our society, it seems to be more easily accepted for people to have serial relationships and revolving doors to their hearts and beds than it is for people to acknowledge their pain for any significant amount of time. No one bats an eye if your relationship ends and you hook up with someone else in a matter of weeks, but if you have the audacity to hurt for more than what is considered the "appropriate" amount of time or choose to take a break from relationships, then people think you're crazy. That ends my Thursday morning rant. Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightinMadrid Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 LotusFlower You voiced exactly how I feel. I know about that deep persistant ache especially in the chest or stomache years ago lucky its not the same. Its been a couple of years for me too and I just had a friend who used to be on LS and now a year later he's so over his break up. Sure he gives me tough love saying its not healthy,you need to move on get over him youre wasting your time. Its not going to change anything(Mine was in LDR) . My mind is listening and agree,but thats not how I feel. SC is right saying people dont want to always listen,and I notice here on LS some,not all,and in another forum, responders do get impatient when you cant move on in a fast pace,or have a get over it already mentality. In fact in a way the dumpers seems like a hero because they pulled the plug and moved on quickly and you havent. However the 'Ex texted or contacted me' threads that creeps up shows that dumpers who run and supress their emotions it eventually catched up to them! Link to post Share on other sites
sao2 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 For the longest time after my last breakup I was not only still hurting but actually unable to be a productive member of society because of it. I would get up, go to work, do the bare minimum to get through my day. After a bit I stopped expecting myself to get over it. Instead I just accepted this feeling as something I am going to have to live with. I treat it as a terminal disease. Sure, sometimes it will flare up, but if I keep moving on with my life, eventually I will have moved on with my life. I wish I could get to the point where my life is no longer defined by missing her. But I just accepted that missing her is part of my existence. Link to post Share on other sites
Delacy Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Lotus.Flower... I'm gay too and its nearly 4 years since myself and my girfriend split up, and i'm still not over it. I've had one relationship since and the pain was still there, but the love she gave me healed me a little. That relationship has now ended and i'm confussed as ever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lotus.Flower Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) Delacy - I'm so sorry to hear of your pain. I know I can't say anything that will make it better, but I will send you virtual ((hugs)). Sao2 - I completely understand what you're saying. I have often thought of it that way myself, but never verbalized it because you know most people don't see it that way. I've also equated it to the death of a loved one. But again, I don't discuss it too much because some people are offended by that. They say that it can't be compared to the death of a loved one because the person is still alive. Well, I have experienced both, and while of course there are differences, I also found a lot of parallels between the two experiences. Loss is loss, and pain is pain. And I don't think any of us ever really get over the death of a loved one, nor does anyone expect us to just get over it. We just learn how to deal with that loss, and some days are worse than others, but we just accept what is and we keep moving, we keep breathing. Sometimes things happen in life that change us profoundly. To pretend that's not the case would be a lie. I used to have a friend who's a counselor by profession (but she wasn't my personal counselor). I remember talking to her less than a year after everything happened with my ex, and she said "So you had your heart broken, get over it. If you're lucky, it will happen again and again." I can only imagine how she was with her clients who weren't "getting over it" as quickly as she thought they should. But this is a prime example of what I meant about how people view serial relationships as the norm. It's as if commitments mean nothing and no relationship should be expected to last, you shouldn't expect to grow old with one person, so just suck it up and go find somebody else already. Edited February 11, 2011 by Lotus.Flower Link to post Share on other sites
ALonerAgain Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Lotus, like most people have posted here, it took me a long time to 'get over' my 1st serious relationship, mainly because the ending was long and drawn out and such a mind-f**k. I don't think I've really 'gotten over it' either, after 8 years, although it has remained dormant due to the fact that I'm currently working on 'getting over' my latest break-up! Admittedly, I do have abandonment issues, so it does take me quite a while to process and come to terms with losing something/someone. One book that I've found interesting in looking at the subject of grief and loss is "The Grief Recovery Handbook". I bought it mainly to dela with the loss of my dad, but it also deals with all kinds of loss one experiences. It looks at the kind of messages we grew up with - from our parents, relatives, friends and society - about how to deal with grief: messages that say 'time heals'; 'get over it'; etc. and has exercises on how to better process these lingering feelings. And like one of my work colleagues said to me in the aftermath of my dad's death, "one never truly 'gets over' it, but 'gets through it' instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Rachel1978 Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 It's not that raw, excruciating pain that kept me from getting out of bed in the early days. It's more of a dull, persistent ache. I am finding this really difficult to deal with! If I didn't have this dull persistent ache I think I could cope better! Link to post Share on other sites
focus2011 Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 Its been almost 3 years since my split and I too still have that dull aching pain everyday. Its like going through the motions of daily life, but feeling like you're missing something. Its nice to know I'm not alone in this. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
stellastreet Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I know exactly how you feel LF and others. It's been a year and 8 months for me without any contact between us and I'm not interested in dating at the moment. I don't think I want him back so much but what hurts the most is the fact we were together for 4 years and I really can't get over some of the things he did and said towards the end. I quite often well up with tears when some of his charming insults pop into my head. He also left me for another woman who he got pregnant within a year and I have heard (from mutual friends) that they are having a baby girl any day soon. All I can do is keep moving forward. We can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts