ex boyfriend completely changed his personality

[pollylolly]

I met my ex boyfriend a few years ago. We fell in love quick. He really pursued me big time. He told me he loved me after a few months together and treated me better than I can imagine any boyfriend treating me. He was such a pure, loyal and sensitive guy. Better than anybody I have ever met.

 

Okay, so we moved abroad together. Everything was magical. I knew he only had eyes for me and I would have trusted him forever.

 

Then he joined a band. He is very musical and creative. It is his passion and he told me it comes second to me. I took his word for it and support it.

 

So after almost two years things get very serious between us. I admit that we spent a lot of time together at first. Maybe too much time but we had such fun together But over time he made more and more time for his band and less time for me. I can live with this I thought. I will support him.

 

Anyway, lets just saw he got a lot of female attention after joining this band. Women basically throwing themselves at him. In our home country he is an average guy and by no means do women throw themselves at him. It's just not culturally acceptable. However, in this country girls threw themselves at him because he has a certain skin color, he is in a band and he speaks English. Yes, this country has many shallow girls who just want to date a foreign guy because of status. Not many foreign people there, so yes we get treated like famous people. Personally, I hate it as it is shallow and slightly racist as you are treated so differently.

 

My boyfriend loved it. I mean, he started to strut the streets. I caught him emailing girls. He told me they were related to his band. I'm not sure I buy it. Also, there were a few situations where he lied to me about what he was doing which makes me suspect that he was up to no good. His attitude turned. His ego was so huge all of a sudden and he loved the attention. He told me people stare at us as we are 'so beautiful'. This made me mad as they stare because we are different. He got really 'trendy' clothes and really freaked out about his hair style. I promise, when I met him first he wore what made him comfy and didn't obsess about his hair. I became sick of watching him check himself out in reflections. It is kind of funny I guess. But heartbreaking to watch.

 

Anyway, a few weeks ago we realised it wasn't working. I became very insecure and started to think he didn't find me attractive anymore. I saw all the pretty girls he added on facebook and I found myself comparing me to them. It was the lowest I ever felt.

 

So, he broke up with me. He claimed that he wanted more time with his new bands. He is around 3 bands now, its out of control. He plans on recording an album soon. He said his decision had nothing to do with ''other girls'' and totally to do with his passion for music. He really wants to be a rock star. I cringe at this but it's what he wants. In this country he is successful enough as foreign bands are very popular as they are rare. but I find it hard to believe him that its only about the music.

 

I have recently got some of my confidence back. I have started going out and have received a lot of interest from guys. People tell me I am attractive and I do admit I get a lot of male attention but I just can't admit to myself that I could be as pretty as all the other girls throwing themselves at him.

 

I feel utterly devastated and confused about how my wonderful, down to earth boyfriend turned into a self obsessed moron. I miss the old guy so much. I wonder if this phase will ever end?

 

Since we have broken up he has really pursued friendship. He told me he still loved me with all his heart and today he said he's not over me but wants me to be happy.

 

If I am so attractive, caring and wonderful then why did he let me go? It kills me to think about it. I would really love some of your responses or what do you think about the situation. He is not a bad man, but just a naive man I think. Or maybe this is who he always was but needed a bit of confidence to change? I mean, he was so gentle, sensitive and polite. Now he is arrogant and thinks only of his own interests.

[PegNosePete]

Welcome to LS. Sorry for your situation.

 

So, he broke up with me. He claimed that he wanted more time with his new bands.

Balls. He broke up with you because he didn't want to be with you. It's perfectly possible for someone in a band to have a girlfriend, but he didn't want that.

 

If I am so attractive, caring and wonderful then why did he let me go?

He let you go because he wanted to sow his wild oats.

 

Now he is arrogant and thinks only of his own interests.

Yeah, sounds about right. See 2 quotes above. He wants to have his cake and eat it. You should not be friends with him any more, he has changed, the wonderful caring BF you had is gone forever. This new guy is an *******, if you met him anew you would likely not want to be his friend; so why should you be his friend now? Sorry.

[pollylolly]

Is this going to happen again? Are all guys 'doomed' once they get too much attention? Are all guys weak like this? I would never have guessed this would have happened. It's so out of character. Even my friends and family are so surprised. He is like a transformer!

 

It's quite hurtful as I feel really stupid for falling in love with him. I have never felt so betrayed. Is this the real him? Or do you think so called 'fame' changed him.

 

If I met him know I would have no interest in him. I don't like his attitude, style or ego.

 

It;s so hard to do NC as I always get a glimmer of hope my old boyfriend will return...

[PegNosePete]

Is this going to happen again? Are all guys 'doomed' once they get too much attention? Are all guys weak like this? I would never have guessed this would have happened. It's so out of character. Even my friends and family are so surprised. He is like a transformer!

Not sure what you mean by will it happen again. Do you mean will he do it again if you take him back? If so then yes most likely. Do you mean will the same thing happen to your next BF? Well nobody can tell the future. No, not all guys are doomed when they get attention, and not all are weak. You could say the same about women. Many women who lose weight for example, will get a lot more attention, some can handle it and some can't.

 

It's quite hurtful as I feel really stupid for falling in love with him. I have never felt so betrayed. Is this the real him? Or do you think so called 'fame' changed him.

Don't feel stupid... as you say, you fell for someone who was pure, loyal and sensitive. But he changed, he is no longer that person. So you need to move on, and there is no reason for you to be his friend.

[pollylolly]

Thank you both for your replies. You are both right and I agree he can't have his cake and eat it. Thank you so much for your honest and truthful answers. I guess there really is no point beating around the bush. He ain't coming back!

 

How should I approach telling him I need him to leave me alone. I don't want to boost his ego anymore by making him believe I resent him and I can't handle being his friend as I love him. As I did tell him this once but he said that we are friends and we can help each other get over each other. Does this mean he is using me to get over me?

 

Should I just not answer my phone and not reply to email? Or should I tell him something? I tried not answering but it just made him more persistent in calling me. I am too weak to not send back a reply or answer his call. We have all the same mutual friends so I have to keep some kind of friendship up as I can't make things uncomfortable for them.

[PegNosePete]

Yeah, just don't reply to him or answer his calls any more. He will get the message soon enough. If he doesn't then tell him something like, it is too hurtful for you to be friends, you need to cut contact so that you can heal.

[JohnnyCage]

All I can say is that you deserve better. And being in a band I am pretty sure he cheated on you many many times.

 

And don't feel bad about it. It's actually good that you found out what type of a guy he is. Power, money, fame always tests the character of a person. This is when you see the true person. So I think its good for you that now you know he wasn't that good at all. It was just an act.

[pollylolly]

Thank you for your input Johnny. I appreciate it as you are in a band so you know how it is...

 

But, I feel he didn't cheat. He became arrogant and sure of himself but he is not a cheater. I think that is why he dumped me, so he could get with other people without having to cheat. I think he fell victim to lust with some other women but I think flirting is as far as it goes. I don't believe he kissed or slept with anyone else. But I am sure he may have enjoyed the attention of these ladies.

 

I am pretty sure he went behind my back and met up with another woman. I have little evidence but some proof. I think two weeks he broke up with me. But a few days later he wanted me back. What does this mean?

 

Do you think he will ever feel guilty or have any regret for what he did to me? He broke up with a girl who adored him, who made him happy. We had the most fantastic time together and I know we were madly in love with me. It was obvious to everyone. He told me I was the only person he could ever be himself around and that he never loved anybody like he loved me. Then his band became somewhat successful.

 

I am still so confused about this and find it hard to believe that fame can really change you.

[elysium23]

 

And don't feel bad about it. It's actually good that you found out what type of a guy he is. Power, money, fame always tests the character of a person. This is when you see the true person. So I think its good for you that now you know he wasn't that good at all. It was just an act.

 

This is so true. I just found a quote that reminded me of this situation

 

"Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power." - Abraham Lincoln

 

This really makes you think about what people are REALLY like when they can do whatever they want...