I am the WS...

[mbm69]

... I am posting in this forum, even though I am the WS, because I feel I won't be shunned as much as posting elsewhere.

 

I am involved in an affair with an old flame of mine from my college days. It all started out innocently, we were catching up on old timesm, but I have fallen back in love again with him. And him with me.

 

Back then, he was the man of my dreams. Never had a guy had this effect on me. I was so into him back then. We dated, but never went all the way. He 'dumped' me. After I wanted to get intimate with him, he put the brakes, and I never saw him again.

 

That was 20 years ago. Beginning of December, he found me on FB. Said he always wondered what had happened with me. He had been searching for me for years (my phone number is unlisted) and he even tried contacting me through my professional association.

 

Since he contacted me, not one day has gone by without an email, a phone call a chat session. We have had 'cybersex' many times. We have seen each other 3 times. We kissed passionately the last time we saw each other. He has told me he loves me and wants me to marry him. He always has and that the biggest regret of his life was letting me go 20 years ago. He had been afraid of committing to me back then because he thought I was too good for him. I had a University education and he had a HS education. He was scared of being dumped... so he did the dumping. I was crushed back then. After dating him, I couldn't date for 3 years. Until I met my current spouse. I never got married.

 

I have been with my spouse for 17 years. We have 2 kids, 10 and 7. I love my kids. I don't love my spouse. We split up 3 years ago, but we worked really hard at reconciling. We don't fight as much as we used to. But I have been living my life in total apathy for the last 3 years. I suffered from severe depression 2 years ago, due to mostly some very difficult times at my job. And although I was on medication and did IC, I have never felt any support from my spouse. I was expected to go on as if nothing was wrong. When I tried to take time off from work, my spouse said that wouldn't be a good idea because we couldn't keep the same 'standard of living'.

 

I am the principal income provider at home. I earn about 4 times what my spouse earns. The house is mine, I pay all the utilities, taxes, groceries... I put money aside for retirement, and even after me prying, my spouse refuses to set money aside for retirement. My spouse helps to pay for the kids education and that's pretty much it. He drives the nice car, I drive in a beat up old car. I have paid for his education, paid for his debts. And I don't know what he does with his money. That is a mystery to me. He makes a decent income, yet he never has any money.

 

So, this old flame comes into the picture, and I am completely enamored by him. He is everything my spouse is not. He is careful with money, he cooks, he is financially independent. He is attentive. He WANTS to marry me. He is SINGLE (twice divorced, 2 kids, custody 1 weekend every 2 weeks). The only thing working against him is that he lives 150 miles away.

 

I had never thought of leaving my spouse because I have worked sooooo hard to keep my family intact. But I am seriously considering leaving him for this man I have rediscovered from my past.

 

Just a note, I have NEVER EVER cheated on my spouse. This is a first affair for me. I am not a bad person, I just feel like I am unappreciated and taken advantage of by my current spouse. I do know if I do leave, he will try to suck every penny possible out of me. And to tell the truth, that is what scares me the most. He would file for joint custody JUST to be able to quit his job to get more child support... I know, because that is what he did 3 years ago. He is the one who left back then. He is going to financially ruin me. And I'm scared that this man that I love will dump me again like he did 20 years ago. I would be financially ruined AND alone.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for here... I guess I am looking just to vent about my situtation and maybe get a sympathetic ear.

[bentnotbroken]

Leave your spouse. He deserves to be set free.

[mbm69]

Maybe I am the one who should be set free. My parents and friends have always wondered why I worked so hard at reconciling 3 years ago.

[jessyj]

Leave your spouse. You deserve to be happy and you are obviously in an unhappy marraige where you are only there for your children. You seem financially and emotionally ready to take this move. Only word of warning is do it for yourself not for OP.

[jthorne]

Maybe I am the one who should be set free. My parents and friends have always wondered why I worked so hard at reconciling 3 years ago.

Sorry, hon, this is a cop out. Are you not in control of your own faculties? Set yourself free if you are that unhappy. You set your BS free in the process. Your post sounds as if you are waiting for the BS to do the heavy lifting. Sorry, but that's the coward's way out.

[mbm69]

That is exactly what OP has said, to do it for myself and not for him.

 

I am financially indepedent, compared to most women, I am lucky. That gives me choice. But I also feel I have chosen my life, my spouse. I NEVER thought I would be in this situation... it is the worse I have every felt. And the only guilt I feel is for my kids. I guess this means, I really don't love my spouse anymore.

[silktricks]

You say you don't love your husband, but at the same time worked hard to save your marriage. Why?

 

You shouldn't leave one man for another, though. If you choose to leave it should be because of yourself and your own effort to be happier. And also, be careful of the new/old guy. He's been divorced twice. Do you know what caused the prior divorces?

[mbm69]

Sorry, hon, this is a cop out. Are you not in control of your own faculties? Set yourself free if you are that unhappy. You set your BS free in the process. Your post sounds as if you are waiting for the BS to do the heavy lifting. Sorry, but that's the coward's way out.

 

Maybe that is what I am hoping... I dunno. You are probably right.

[bentnotbroken]

Maybe I am the one who should be set free. My parents and friends have always wondered why I worked so hard at reconciling 3 years ago.

 

 

Then set yourself free. It is clear you don't need him for anything. Move on and do all of you a favor.

[mbm69]

You say you don't love your husband, but at the same time worked hard to save your marriage. Why?

 

You shouldn't leave one man for another, though. If you choose to leave it should be because of yourself and your own effort to be happier. And also, be careful of the new/old guy. He's been divorced twice. Do you know what caused the prior divorces?

 

I worked hard to save our relationship so that the kids didn't have to grow up in a broken home.

 

Concerning the divorces for the old/new guy. First one, he got married because he got the girl pregnant (after only 3 months of dating), and was 'forced' into marriage. His wife didn't have the same ideas about education, they were incompatible, she left to be with another man.

 

Second divorce: she left to be with another man.

 

At least, that is what he told me.

 

Thing is, I don't know if would be happier on my own. I certainly would be happier if I had my kids to myself and had full time custody. Right now, I have 3 kids to take care of... I would prefer to have only 2. But I know that my spouse would fight custody to the bone with me... like I said, it would be in his financial interest. I would be devastated not to have my kids live with me full time. But I know that is not realistic... I mean, judges these days favor joint custody (when the parents live in the same city). I would lose my house, my home with the child support payments I would have to make. Even considering the OM... I don't know if it's worth it, I would be losing part of my freedom,

[jenifer1972]

You are the main wage earner. You will get hit with giving your husband half plus alimony to " keep him in the lifestyle to which he is accustomed". Check that out before you act on this. It happened to me. ( i was not involved w/ anyone else though)

[silktricks]

Obviously you've been thinking about this, but so far I think most of your thinking has been in the abstract. Can you take some time - real alone time - to plan out exactly how your life would change and what you would do if you do decide to divorce?

 

It doesn't sound like you are a full-time SAHM now, but rather the primary wage-earner. Does your husband work or is he a SAHD? That could affect the judges decision on child-care.

 

Though you'd like your kids fulltime, don't forget that what you really want (I'm certain) is what's best for the kids. It's almost certainly best for the kids to have their Dad in their life as well.

 

I'm not a big fan (personally) of staying married for the sake of the kids. I don't think it works out well for anyone, and doesn't teach kids what a good relationship really is. You need to take care of yourself, too, and be happy, too. But, getting divorced is a huge step and not one to be taken lightly. Certainly, not something one should do (in my humble opinion) because of another person.

 

No relationship is going to be perfect, and no matter how perfect this old/new guy seems, believe me, he only seems that way because you aren't living with him full time. He's got flaws, too. An LDR is a difficult way (if not impossible) to judge what a person is really like. It's too easy to imbue the person with everything we think we are missing.

 

Anyway, take care. Give it real thought. The only thing I would strongly suggest is that you do not choose to continue the current situation. Either divorce or terminate the affair. The current situation isn't fair to anyone (IMO).

 

Silk

[Spark1111]

Speak to a lawyer first. Do not assume what you would have to do and why without getting some good legal advice.

 

If divorced, everyone's income will be scrutinized and decisions made. Joint custody is always defined in what is in the best interests of the children.

 

Losing your house is not the worst thing in the world.

 

Losing your soul is.

[whichwayisup]

The fairest thing you can do is, divorce your current husband now, before the A really gets going and do this the right way. IF the guy from the past IS the one, you two can date and get to know eachother the proper way by waiting until you're free and single. To continue an affair, make plans for a future with someone else while you're still married isn't fair to your H, to your kids, to the OM.

 

Come clean with your H. IF things were not great before the A, even though it sounds like you tried hard to reconnect with him, it isn't enough for you to stay.

 

I agree with the others, since you are the bread winner of the household and make 4x as much as your husband, you won't get alimony at all, rightfully so and you'll be paying him child support since you make more money.

 

Just keep in mind, reguardless of the OM, if he's there or not at the end of this, you are okay with divorcing your husband and maybe losing the both.

[desertIslandCactus]

You're right. It appears you would be loosing your house, because there would have to be an agreed upon split of community property or the court would do it for you. Mostly there are the children to consider. I'm of the assumption there may be child support, but no spousal support for you to pay?

 

If the spouse did this to you three yrs ago at separation, you already know what he's made of, and coupled with the fact that he lives off of your income.

 

Silk is right, you should not leave a marriage for someone else, you should leave because you want out of the marriage.

 

Get a free consultation with an attorney to see what your financial options would be. Perhaps you could refinance your house and buy H out.

 

The children are young, but in time they may choose which parent they wish to live with.

[Heather1]

Talk to a lawyer, and possibly your family. Sounds like OM pushed to the surface how unhappy you really are in your M. My Mom was the breadwinner & never shared a checking account (per my Grandparents request). The house was tenants in common, so my Grandparents bought out my Dad's half of the house.

 

Talk to a lawyer & see how your finances are set up. The big thing is taking half your retirement.

[mbm69]

I think you are all right, I need to talk to a lawyer...

 

Just to make things clear. I am NOT married. We are in a a common law relationship. According to present law where I live, I wouldn't have to pay spousal support, just child support. I did consult a lawyer 3 years ago, so I know exactly how much I would have to pay if we had joint custody. If I had sole custody, HE would have to pay CS. The lawyer did tell me at the time that judges tended to favor joint custody. Especially when there is no 'problem' with either parent.

 

The house is MINE. The deed is under my name. He never paid anything in it. The retirement account is under my name, he wouldn't have acess to it either. Our bank accounts are separate and have always been separate.

[mbm69]

I just wanted to thank you all for not telling me how selfish I am for feeling this way. This will help me find the strength to take a few first steps, logical steps to figure out what I have to do.

[desertIslandCactus]

I think you are all right, I need to talk to a lawyer...

 

Just to make things clear. I am NOT married. We are in a a common law relationship. According to present law where I live, I wouldn't have to pay spousal support, just child support. I did consult a lawyer 3 years ago, so I know exactly how much I would have to pay if we had joint custody. If I had sole custody, HE would have to pay CS. The lawyer did tell me at the time that judges tended to favor joint custody. Especially when there is no 'problem' with either parent.

 

The house is MINE. The deed is under my name. He never paid anything in it. The retirement account is under my name, he wouldn't have acess to it either. Our bank accounts are separate and have always been separate.

 

I am so happy, that you appear to be much better off than most women. Thank God you didn't marry him. No marriage to the man who has been living off of you, and the house is Yours.

 

In a common law R does a woman have to pay child support if the children's father moves out on his own?

[jwi71]

I worked hard to save our relationship so that the kids didn't have to grow up in a broken home.

 

Too late - its already a broken home and has been for years now given what you write.

 

Question is...what can YOU do to "fix" it?

 

Concerning the divorces for the old/new guy. First one, he got married because he got the girl pregnant (after only 3 months of dating), and was 'forced' into marriage. His wife didn't have the same ideas about education, they were incompatible, she left to be with another man.

 

Second divorce: she left to be with another man.

 

Might this be a red flag? TWO women leaving him...dunno about that.

And lets face it, he ISN'T the man you knew 20 years ago. One thing you should be aware of...YOU do NOT know the reality of his life nor he yours. Do you think he can claim to know all about your M and daily life? Of course not - well, its a two-way street.

 

I'm not saying dump him...I'm saying be mindful.

 

At least, that is what he told me.

 

Good attitude in my view.

 

Thing is, I don't know if would be happier on my own.

 

Interesting statement to make. Given all you have written, why are you so uncertain? Where does that uncertainty come from? Why WOULDN'T you be happier on your own?

 

I certainly would be happier if I had my kids to myself and had full time custody.

 

Its possible but not very likely. Joint custody is the norm (its what I have 50-50). It was hard for a while but now I've settled into the routine. Everyone adjusted, even the kids but make NO mistake - it was a life-altering event for them and I can still see and sense the "loss" of their once normal and nuclear family. But ultimately I believe it was the best decision for all involved.

 

Right now, I have 3 kids to take care of... I would prefer to have only 2.

 

...I know this all to well. My xWW was my third child and getting rid of her was such a HUGE relief for me.

 

But I know that my spouse would fight custody to the bone with me... like I said, it would be in his financial interest

.

 

Ok...please don't be too offended her but that is pure ignorance on your part. Do you really believe that CS is mana from heaven for the recipient? Not. Even. Close. Those CS payments (provided there is any) does NOT allow your stnxh to live a life of luxury. In fact, I bet it wouldn't even cover the daycare costs. So, don't go thinking you are subsidizing a life of frat-boy partying with CS...not even close. Note, I'm not speaking on personal experience since my xWW and I have joint 50-50 custody there is NO CS. It is, however, what I have seen and know from people who DO get it - its not enough to really help the PARENT (ex-spouse).

 

I would be devastated not to have my kids live with me full time. But I know that is not realistic... I mean, judges these days favor joint custody (when the parents live in the same city).

 

You will adjust. In fact, tbh, there are times I look forward to shipping them back to their mom's - its like a mini-vacation from the daily rigors of being a single father of two kids under 7.

 

And joint custody is BEST for the kids imo...you may hate their father but they DON'T. Its a HUGE mistake, in my eyes anyway, to try and poison kids against the ex-spouse. In fact, do the opposite and encourage them to have contact with their father...and allow them to cry and miss him (its not about you, they miss HIM). Remember, in D, you miss the kids 50% of the time but the kids miss SOMEONE 100% of the time.

 

I would lose my house, my home with the child support payments I would have to make. Even considering the OM... I don't know if it's worth it, I would be losing part of my freedom,

 

Chose. It seems like you are judging quality of life vs material comforts. So pick one already and ACT towards that goal. Which is it?

 

Happiness?

Money?

 

Chose one...and, to be frank, stop whining about the path not taking and LIVE your life according to the decisions YOU make. Don't like your choice...then change it.

 

Your life.

 

Choose....money and material comforts (the house you mention) or happiness (D and maybe with OM, maybe not...but out of unhappy M in any case).

[mbm69]

Wow, what a great post Jwi71.

 

I completely agree with everything you said, but it helps me seeing this all on paper.

[bestplayer]

Wow, what a great post Jwi71.

 

I completely agree with everything you said, but it helps me seeing this all on paper.

 

just one question , how long did you say you have been cheating on your spouse ?

[mbm69]

just one question , how long did you say you have been cheating on your spouse ?

 

It started out as an EA... it's now a PA (but just kissing). Maybe 6 weeks? I don't know... I can't pinpoint the exact date it started. It hasn't been long, but it's been enough to shake me to my core.

[whichwayisup]

Depending where you live, common law is just as close as being married.

 

So are you saying that once you two split up, that's it? Everything is yours and he gets nothing, even though you two have been a partnership for so many years and have kids together?

[whichwayisup]

I just wanted to thank you all for not telling me how selfish I am for feeling this way. This will help me find the strength to take a few first steps, logical steps to figure out what I have to do.

 

You aren't selfish..As long as you don't continue the A while you're still with your partner. Let that part of your life go until the rest of your life is settled.

 

Affairs are one thing, everything is happy go lucky, no everyday stresses, just fun and good feelings..In the moment stuff.. Last thing your OM needs is to be sucked into your situation and break up, making him feel out of sorts.