I am the WS...

[crazyizzy]

i was in a very similar marriage 4 years ago and walked away. i lost everything but 4 yrs later, i have rebuilt my life. my daughter and i are much better off, much more happy.

 

i think you need to work on getting yourself out and situated and not this person that resurfaced in your life. i think he helped you realize how unhappy you were but you need to get your affairs in order first before you invest your feelings inot another person.

 

good luck

[findingnemo]

This is a really sad situation for many reasons.

 

1. The most important one being that you haven't decided yet that you deserve to be happy so that you can continue being a good mother and a good provider. Regardless of whether OM exists or not, your M is one-sided and you are literally the beast of burden. Make the decision to have a better life and then figure out how to do that.

 

2. Your H has been called a LOSER!! He is. And he is extraordinarily selfish to the point of being abusive. He abuses your ability to work hard and provide for the family, he ignores your emotional needs and basically takes advantage of you. Your H needs this marraige more than you do!!! That is why you sense that he would become vindictive if you left him. Well, that is sign number one that you need to leave.

 

3. About the legal issues, have a plan. Do not wait until you have left to find out your options. Talk to a lawyer now. Joint custody is not a bad thing especially if you can get him to contribute financially to something. If your H is really the loser you say he is, do not worry. He will eventually fail to honour his end of the deal and you can go right back to court to change the custody rights. Think about this like you are getting out of a 50/50 business partnership and need to be strategic. It will be a long and hard war in which you must win most of the battles. Keep evidence to show that you pay most of the bills, spend more time with the children and figure out ways to show that you would be the better parent for physical custody.

 

4. OM...Sounds like he could turn out either way - good or bad for you. But this is not the priority right now. If you start an A, you will give your BS ammunition to use against you AND you will be distracted from accomplishing a good exit!! Hold off on OM for now.

[mbm69]

Such great posts... Thank you all. They are really helping me see more clearly.

 

I am having lunch with a friend of mine who is a lawyer this week... she is the only person in my life who knows the whole story. All of my other friends know my SO too well and are too close to him for me to talk. I'm swamped at work this week and next week, i'm taking off on a mini trip with my youngest son to go skiing/snoeshoeing while my oldest is off on a school trip.

 

I still don't know what I'm going to do, but my first step is to talk to my lawyer friend. I want to talk with my parents too who helped me a lot when me and my spouse separated 3.5 years ago. They were furious when I got back with him and it hasn't been the same with them ever since. I think having people on my side will help.

 

OM is out of the picture for me. I'm humiliated beyond belief that I was rejected TWICE. There is no way that I'll be pursuing him. I'm not an idiot (and way too proud). Besides, there is no way I'm letting him think that I'm a psycho or a clinger or whatever. If he does contact me, I will be polite but distant.

 

Thanks everyone.

[mbm69]

Well, I just checked me email, and lo and behold, OM contacted me. What a snake. He told me that he tried to sleep with the OW but he went soft and couldn't go through with it because I was on his mind. He didn't want to hurt me... well boohoo... he still claims he loves me and wants to be part of my life.

 

Honestly? I think that I prefer staying with my present spouse than being with a snake like that. What a Loser with a capital L. He can keep the OW... they DESERVE each other. She can hang on to the soft dick if she wants it. I certainly don't want it!

[findingnemo]

mbm69,

 

It is good that you are seeing OM clearly now. No need to jump from the frying pan into the fire!!! Talk to your H and see if he changes. Then decide if this is what you want and what makes you happy.

 

Good luck with your lawyer friend!

[mbm69]

It is good that you are seeing OM clearly now. No need to jump from the frying pan into the fire!!!

 

I'm just really mad at myself for having lost control over my emotions. Peeps in my life always see me as extremely driven and focused. I rarely lose sight of my objectives and ambitions. I really got sidetracked... My lawyer friend actually contacted me last week because she said I seemed 'out of it'.

 

I'm really glad I found this forum... It is helping me so much muddle through this mess in my head.

[bestplayer]

I'm just really mad at myself for having lost control over my emotions. Peeps in my life always see me as extremely driven and focused. I rarely lose sight of my objectives and ambitions. I really got sidetracked... My lawyer friend actually contacted me last week because she said I seemed 'out of it'.

 

I'm really glad I found this forum... It is helping me so much muddle through this mess in my head.

 

**************************************************

 

 

Hi I apologize for thread-jacking but I have an unrelated yet genuine question .

 

How much $ a day as a visitor will I have to spend for fooding in usa ? and I mean simple sort of foods .

 

Thanks in advance

 

 

**********************

[findingnemo]

I'm just really mad at myself for having lost control over my emotions. Peeps in my life always see me as extremely driven and focused. I rarely lose sight of my objectives and ambitions. I really got sidetracked... My lawyer friend actually contacted me last week because she said I seemed 'out of it'.

 

I'm really glad I found this forum... It is helping me so much muddle through this mess in my head.

 

We all lose focus once in a while. I love this forum too.

[mbm69]

My goodness, I've been re-reading the recent emails by OM. I couldn't see the lying before, but now I see it. He has strung me along, it is quite obvious...

 

You know in his email this morning, he said he still wanted to be intimate with me??? What a JERK. I wouldn't touch him with 5 layers of latex gloves... ick. He disgusts me.

 

I was too nice this morning when I responded to him. I didn't want him to think I was psycho, but someone needs to call him out on his disgusting ways. I really don't care if I lose his friendship, I have enough friends in my life, I don't need a friend that treats me like I'm garbage.

 

Maybe I should just not contact him again, delete him from my facebook (after he reads my status updates that 'There is not enough scientific reasearch in how to cure JERKS'), from my email contacts, cell phone, etc...

[whichwayisup]

I wouldn't touch him with 5 layers of latex gloves... ick. He disgusts me

 

Your note just made me snort from laughing so hard.

 

Nah, don't bother. Just delete/remove and block. Let him 'wonder' .... Silence is golden!

[ladydesigner]

My goodness, I've been re-reading the recent emails by OM. I couldn't see the lying before, but now I see it. He has strung me along, it is quite obvious...

 

You know in his email this morning, he said he still wanted to be intimate with me??? What a JERK. I wouldn't touch him with 5 layers of latex gloves... ick. He disgusts me.

 

I was too nice this morning when I responded to him. I didn't want him to think I was psycho, but someone needs to call him out on his disgusting ways. I really don't care if I lose his friendship, I have enough friends in my life, I don't need a friend that treats me like I'm garbage.

 

Maybe I should just not contact him again, delete him from my facebook (after he reads my status updates that 'There is not enough scientific reasearch in how to cure JERKS'), from my email contacts, cell phone, etc...

 

Wow my XOM said the same to me in his email ending the A with me. What a f'ng jerk. Mine was too. I felt the same way when I read it too. Ha mine read like this, " I don't think I can do this anymore, but I still want to F**k you" ...umm no I don't think so. That is when the PA ended for me.

 

I agree, block, delete, remove this a** from your life pronto!

 

Ugghhh it's sickening. Sorry I was triggered by your post. I just cannot believe how disgusting some of these situations are. I still to this day feel extreme disgust towards my XOM for being so shallow.

[mbm69]

What is my problem, I just want to call and talk to him... I'm not right in the head.

 

We always used to talk on the phone because SO is never at home Monday nights.

 

I'm really sad tonight, and I just want to pick up that phone and call him...

[ladydesigner]

What is my problem, I just want to call and talk to him... I'm not right in the head.

 

We always used to talk on the phone because SO is never at home Monday nights.

 

I'm really sad tonight, and I just want to pick up that phone and call him...

 

It takes time just keep posting here instead of contacting him. Keep focusing on what makes him not so attractive as a person to help keep you on the sane path.

 

It's hard in the beginning. Eventually the temptation will become less and less.

[mbm69]

It takes time just keep posting here instead of contacting him. Keep focusing on what makes him not so attractive as a person to help keep you on the sane path.

 

It's hard in the beginning. Eventually the temptation will become less and less.

 

That's why I came here... to get my mind off things... I just want to go to bed It would help if I wasn't all alone at home. Maybe I'll try to go catch a movie on TV... no romcoms though!!!

[mbm69]

I haven't deleted him from my FB account yet... I just can't... yet

[ladydesigner]

I was friends with my xom for a year until I couldn't take it anymore. I had to go NC. I had to delete block. You name it. I have been guilty of checking the forums he frequents, but eventually that would have to end too.

 

In time. Give yourself time. Distracting yourself and redirecting thoughts helps as well. Each day try to give him less space in your head if you know what I mean;)

 

I know it's hard. Hang in there!

[mbm69]

What really helps me completely disconnect is my martial arts training. It is too bad our dojo isn't open tonight... I would've been on the punching bags faster than you can say bag

 

I am training tomorrow, Wedsnesday, Thursday so that should help me take my mind off things.

[mbm69]

SO is back from his hockey game, I feel much better now, and can go to bed...

[JaneyAmazed]

It takes time just keep posting here instead of contacting him. Keep focusing on what makes him not so attractive as a person to help keep you on the sane path.

 

It's hard in the beginning. Eventually the temptation will become less and less.

 

This works! Great advice. The only way to kill that temptation is too keep NC. I always keep in mind what some of the wise LS members here say if you break NC...one step forward, two steps back.

[mbm69]

Today is a new day.

 

OM emailed me last night. Said he felt so bad that he hurt me but he couldn't hide the truth from me. Said he does in fact love me, maybe not the right way but he does.

 

I answered this morning. I don't want to give him the satisfaction that he made me cry or made me unhappy. I told him that today was a new day, that I have a big smile on my face, that life was too short for this sort of drama when there is TRUE drama in the world.

 

I just couldn't help myself from emailing. I DON'T want him to think I am wallowing in self pity, because I am not. That is not my style.

[findingnemo]

mbm69,

 

NC is the only way to win at these games. That is what they are - games. The more you mail him, the more attention you give him. You know how kids love attention? If they can't get the good kind, they misbehave so they can get scolded. Whichever it is, it's attention.

 

Lose both these guys, please. When you go to the gym, punch the hell out of the bag. Punch really hard for every idiot who messes with your happiness!!

[mbm69]

I'm going to the gym tonight

 

My mom called me last night. She and my dad had been out of the country since the beginning of January. I talked to her about recent events, without going in detail about OM.

 

She said: 'You would be better off with SO. He drains your energy, he drains your bank account and he's not a great father.' Wow... I told her I needed to take her out to lunch this week or next week It helps when you know you have outside support.

 

I think I would be ok on my own. I would lose part of my friends... the couple friends, but I would still have other friends.

[Minnie09]

YES! You WILL be OK on your own. Plus, I don't know why you're so freaked out about your SO ruining you financially. If it is just the CS he may be receiving, there's nothing to be worried about. How do you think he's going to rip you off financially if he only gets child support? You're not even married. You're probably way better off without him anyways (financially and otherwise). Sure, it's going to be an adjustment for the kids. They love their father, but they'll be OK. Plus, letting them play video games all day (if that is true) means that the quality of his parenting is rather limited anyways.

 

As far as OM is concerned: big red flags visible on the horizon. The very first one 20 years ago. Never ever ignore it when a man tells you you're too good for him. You probably are. It may sound like a compliment, and you may feel flattered, but trust me, that's the wrong reaction. Running fast and far is the appropriate reaction to a statement like that. You are too good for me translates: insecurity, manipulation and control. And that's exactly what you're getting now, 20 years later. Are you really surprised? He sounded like an insecure drama-queen already two decades ago. What a manipulator!

I wouldn't even be sure he's single.

Divorced twice? Usually happens for a reason. This guy should not be your first choice. But the way you talk about him and your e-mail convos etc. shows clearly that you enjoy his attention, whether positive or negative. You crave (his) attention. And he knows it.

Yes, you should change your life. But both men are bad for you. They should not be part of it.

[mbm69]

Minnie, you are right I crave this other guy's attention.

 

I think it's because I haven't gotten any attention in so long I'm not an ugly woman... I'm pretty attractive, i'm smart, i live an active lifestyle, i'm dynamic, enthusiastic and mostly upbeat. I'm a great cook. I am financially independent. But I have always had difficulty attracting males. SO is the only man who has stuck around, and that's why I'm with him. He wasn't my first choice for a spouse... I settled because it was so hard for me to meet someone.

 

With the OM it clicked. At least it did for me. At first I didn't want to get involved because he had hurt me in the past... but I got sucked in. I think he found my weak spots pretty quickly.

 

I think he is a player and a serial dater. I think once he had me, he lost interest and another woman came along. I had not given him intimacy (not because I didn't want to, it was a lack of timing only).

 

But you know what? I AM too good for him. Good riddance.

[mbm69]

I am doing better than I was at the beginning of the week. Waking up on Tuesday with a positive attitude has really done wonders for my outlook.

 

I have kept busy at work and at home. I haven't had a lot of time to dwell on what happened. Me and OM have remained in contact but the emails have dwindled from 20 a day to at most 2 a day. And I don't spend my time looking at my inbox waiting for the emails to pop in. So I've made lots of progress. I know it's not strictly NC, but this dwindling has helped me detach significantly.

 

I had lunch with a friend of mine yesterday, and I was surprised at what she told me. She told me 'It is soooooo obvious that your spouse is madly in love with you... you guys are so cute together'. Talk about difference in perceptions... I'm starting to think that maybe I really have some loose screws up there, if people outside of my home see it and I can't.

 

Concerning OM, I am having dinner at his place on Sunday. As friends. We both agreed on being friends because we do get along very well. We wouldn't get along as a couple, that is blatantly obvious to me now. I do not feel disgust for him that I felt at the beginning of the week. I do not feel a physical attraction either. I feel compassion and a bit of pity for him, because I do believe I have it better than him. And I do see him for what he is now... he is soooooo not a 'catch'.

 

Sometimes, I think when you can take a step back (and I have taken a huge step back this week) you can look on your life with a totally different perspective. My life ain't perfect. It never will be. I'm not perfect, my spouse isn't either. But I have an obligation to my family to make life better for everyone. And make do with what I have and be happy with that. I am only a victim if I let myself be a victim.