whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Try the friendship thing, just my opinion, but it's too soon. The A isn't over, it's just on hold and will be an EA for a while. How can you detach and atleast try to sort out your feelings if you're still seeing him and intouch with him daily? That energy should be focussed on your H, reconnecting with him. The friendship just keeps the feelings alive and gives you hope. not enough time has passed for you to not feel attracted to him and not have feelings.. That's on hold automatically beacuse of what happened, but it WILL come back, then you'll see it'll be so much harder on you having him in your life, focus still on him and not on letting go, really grieving the loss and moving on. Hope this makes sense to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mbm69 Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 I understand what you are saying. I really do. I have always been like this though. If my romatic feelings aren't being reciprocated, I detach, immediately. I cannot have romantic feelings for a man who doesn't have them for me. I just can't. I guess it's because my mother raised me to find a man to love me more than I love him. That lesson was ingrained into me from a very young age. I have no hope whatsoever... all hope evaporated last Monday. I keep telling myself this proverb: 'If a man fools you once, he's a jerk; If he fools you twice, you're a jerk'. I was fooled twice, there is NO way i'm letting myself fall for his romantic crap EVER again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mbm69 Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 Well, I haven't had any news from him in over 48 hours after my last email asking at what time he was expecting me on Sunday. I guess he has decided NC without telling me. Or he is too busy with his new GF (who is 20 years younger than him I have to add)... If I don't get any news from him within the next 24 hours, I'll be blocking him. I don't need friends that ignore me on purpose. Link to post Share on other sites
Sharon1961 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Well, I haven't had any news from him in over 48 hours after my last email asking at what time he was expecting me on Sunday. I guess he has decided NC without telling me. Or he is too busy with his new GF (who is 20 years younger than him I have to add)... If I don't get any news from him within the next 24 hours, I'll be blocking him. I don't need friends that ignore me on purpose. I think more than anything you need some distance from all of this. It's not about him or your husband or anyone else. It is about you and regaining your balance and integrity. Try and shift your focus to things other than the drama you've been through. K? Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 And you are way too obsessed with what HE is doing and why he's doing what he's doing. Why do you even mention the younger GF? He is allowed to have a GF and it's none of your business. You should distance yourself from this guy, he's obviously playing you and - no matter what you say and how you describe or define the R with that guy - you are still being a puppet on a string for him. First you want an A, then - because he's not that much into you - a friendship is also good enough, and now - because he's ignoring you - a friendship is out of the question. Until.....until he gives you back a little of his attention. Then you're going to be all over him again. You're an easy victim and he knows it. Stop that cycle and try to figure YOURSELF out. Let him (and his young chick) be what he wants to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Goldenspoon Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 Well, I haven't had any news from him in over 48 hours after my last email asking at what time he was expecting me on Sunday. I guess he has decided NC without telling me. Or he is too busy with his new GF (who is 20 years younger than him I have to add)... If I don't get any news from him within the next 24 hours, I'll be blocking him. I don't need friends that ignore me on purpose. Wait, you, as a married woman, is having dinner at a man's house alone? Does your husband know about this? Did you lie to get to have this dinner? Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain1 Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Just a note, I have NEVER EVER cheated on my spouse. This is a first affair for me. I am not a bad person, I just feel like I am unappreciated and taken advantage of by my current spouse. I do know if I do leave, he will try to suck every penny possible out of me. he is entitled to half the "marital" assets, no more no less, unless more is given to just get it over with. so he is entitled to it, and frankly, deserves it. And to tell the truth, that is what scares me the most. He would file for joint custody JUST to be able to quit his job to get more child support... quitting a job doesn't entitle him to more child support. Alimony, maybe, if its customary in your state. but thats assuming he can get custody, or more to the point, become the custodial parent. Unless you are never home and always away, I can say that even as a cheater, you will get custody if you want it. you are the mother. father's get screwed. I know, because that is what he did 3 years ago. He is the one who left back then. He is going to financially ruin me. And I'm scared that this man that I love will dump me again like he did 20 years ago. I would be financially ruined AND alone. he cannot financially ruin you. he is entitled to half the marital assets, and half of all retirement accounts of the amount that was accumulated during marriage. taking half won't financially ruin you. I wasn't the cheater in my case, but my wife was entitled to all of this and got custody because she is the mother. so there is no sympathy for you here. you'll be fine. get a divorce, give your husband what he is entitled to, and move on. your fear of the other man dumping you isn't your husband's problem, nor should it be. set your husband free. Link to post Share on other sites
neveragain1 Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Sometimes, I think when you can take a step back (and I have taken a huge step back this week) you can look on your life with a totally different perspective. My life ain't perfect. It never will be. I'm not perfect, my spouse isn't either. But I have an obligation to my family to make life better for everyone. well since you planned on having dinner with the OM, when did you plan on starting to make life better for your family? And make do with what I have and be happy with that. I am only a victim if I let myself be a victim. you are not the victim here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mbm69 Posted February 23, 2011 Author Share Posted February 23, 2011 OM wants to remain 'friends', says I am important in his life and that he wants to keep me as a friend. We had dinner sunday. My spouse knew about it. I was going as friends, but I still have feelings for OM, as another poster mentionned, it was too soon. It's obvious I won't be able to remain friends with him, at least not for the time being. I am going NC. I need to get him out of my life because I will never be able to deal with the underlying issues with my spouse if I do not. I won't be able to deal with my personal issues either. But I am very very sad. I know that this was just a small bump in the road for OM, but for me, this bump in the road caused me to totally lose control and my life has fallen into pieces. He will never know the extent to which this little fling totally destroyed me I am so mad that OM contacted me. I HATE him. He should've left me alone, because although I was living my life in total apathy, it was stable. To all those who are considering contacting an old flame, DO NOT DO IT EVER. You do not know what kind of dammage you might be doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Star_Bright Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 It sounds like you are putting a lot of blame on OM when you are the one who allowed this. You have more power/control than you think. This is your life and these are your decisions. I think you should just take this as a lesson learned and keep your focus where it belongs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mbm69 Posted February 24, 2011 Author Share Posted February 24, 2011 Yeah, it may sound as if I put the blame on OM, but I put the blame all on me. I am the only one responsible for my emotions, not others. I sent him an email today asking him not to contact me again. I wasn't planning on contacting him after Sunday evening, but 48 hours after he didn't hear from me, he texted me and asked me why I was avoiding him. I knew that if I didn't specifically tell him that he would pry. I told him that if and when I was ready for friendship I would contact him. I thought he would answer, but he didn't so I guess he will respect my wishes. So now I have to go on to the next step and that is clean up this mess that I made of myself and my life. Link to post Share on other sites
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