My Wife is No Longer in Love with Me

[yessy21]

1. its ok to talk to a friend about it. but dont go out and have a drink.

2. make sure ur wife isnt just asking for attention.

3. I am a strong believer that u just dont fall out of love. she is probrably just bored. do something exciting. maybe thats what she needs. in this case... u are the one that loves more. I think u should try a few things and if she keeps insisting that she doesnt love u. file for divorce. get an efficiency and file for divorce. i know times are hard but would u rather be unhappy with the effects?

[jstobo]

If your wife likes being treated like dirt this is the path to follow. If she does not this will cement the end of your marriage. Especially number 4.

 

What has worked is me being nice, caring and affectionate. What has not worked is me being an a**. Unfortunately, when I get mad about what happened, I act like an a**. I think I'll keep going with the nice, caring and affectionate.

[ShatteredReality]

What has worked is me being nice, caring and affectionate. What has not worked is me being an a**. Unfortunately, when I get mad about what happened, I act like an a**. I think I'll keep going with the nice, caring and affectionate.

 

Something the MC we saw resonated with me for a long time after the fact...and I don't think it sunk in for a long time. I said something like "Well he can't just change over night...and he'll just revert back to the way that he was!" and she said (paraphrasing here) 'If I didn't believe people could change overnight I would be in the wrong profession. Change begins with the choice to change. Once a person is aware of the things they need to change they are able to change them. This doesn't mean he'll never get angry again or act like the imperfect person that he is, but it does mean he's able to turn his back on some of his old habits entirely and not return to them now that he's aware of them'.

 

It took me a long time to believe his changes were real. I didn't not trust that he wouldn't revert back to the old HIM. Sounds like you've been nice more than not nice...but when you're not it reminds her of before and she fears your "nice" is a temporary state meant to trick her into falling back in love with you. I think she's confused and scared. Maybe explain to her that you're changes are permanent...but that your emotional reaction to the past is still a work in progress.

 

Still loving the things Steadfast said...you should only have to say that once...if you repeat it every time you fly off the handle it will become an excuse and cease to be a reason.

 

Still keeping that journal?? Should help!

[jstobo]

Sounds like you've been nice more than not nice...but when you're not it reminds her of before and she fears your "nice" is a temporary state meant to trick her into falling back in love with you. I think she's confused and scared.

 

BINGO!! She says this almost verbatim.

[ShatteredReality]

Sounds like you've been nice more than not nice...but when you're not it reminds her of before and she fears your "nice" is a temporary state meant to trick her into falling back in love with you. I think she's confused and scared.

 

BINGO!! She says this almost verbatim.

 

So...I don't know how much like me she is...but....it took me at least 4-6 months to believe he had changed....it took more than a year before every outburst stopped being a "regression to the old him" and now, more than two years later, I am finally able to say when he blows his top (which is far less frequently than he used to) I no longer say anything about the old him. I still get scared that he will regress each time he has an extreme moment of anger or something...but I no longer feel the need to mention it to him...and it's gone within a week of him being nice and normal again. I can finally say normal...the newer him is normal now...it took a long time to get there but we're here...she just need to know it CAN happen...wish I could sit her down for a heart to heart for ya...but in time you can prove to her who you really are NOW and how you're going to be receptive to her about these things. Have her tell you when you're acting like the "old you". I felt naggy telling my H...but I was lucky, he didn't take it that way. I think that's because I was just doing what he told me to do. And...I didn't do it while he was behaving that way...I waited until after when he was calm again...Update us please on how this weekend goes! I'll be thinking of your situation. (I go "offline" for three days every week - Fri/Sat/Sun so I won't see your updates until Monday) Best of luck!

[jstobo]

Friday night was our last night under the same roof. We all had dinner together. It was as if this big event wasn't taking place. Was very passionate that night. The next morning was still the same. Movers showed up at 8:30 and the day went. We had dinner at the new house, so the kids would feel comfortable. Played cards. After dinner I put the kids to bed and went home.

 

The night was strange since no one was there. I got a text from her at 7:30AM letting me know she made me coffee. I had already made some, but it was nice she offered that. Our houses are one block apart. I went over to the house around 11:30 to hang some curtains. Still hugged and kissed a few times. I left around 3PM and we didn't communicate again the rest of the evening.

 

We communicated a bit this morning about things and I'm supposed to go there for dinner tonight.

 

I must admit, I feel different. I'm not comfortable being there because it is her house. I've had a lot of time to myself the last couple of days and it's been kind of nice. I don't have any pressure to act a certain way or say certain things. I don't know if this means I'll start to realize we're better apart. But it does seem like this time apart will not bring us closer if I am feeling this way after two days.

[thediz261]

So...I don't know how much like me she is...but....it took me at least 4-6 months to believe he had changed....it took more than a year before every outburst stopped being a "regression to the old him" and now, more than two years later, I am finally able to say when he blows his top (which is far less frequently than he used to) I no longer say anything about the old him.

 

Your story seems similar to mine, but I am the H and my W moved out after my outbursts and literally telling her to leave. I would love to get your advice on my issue. If I started a thread titled ShatteredReality, would you be willing to offer some advice.

[thediz261]

Actually, ShatteredReality, I already have a thread "how to deal with her shift in attitude." I was the EA, I never touched her, but I yelled and screamed. She could really push my buttons unlike anyone ever could. She was so forgiving and tolerated about 5 really big outburst since we were engaged. They never happened till after we got engaged, which was weird. I have my reasons why I think that happened. Since you were the one who was abused, what advice could you offer. Would you take a look at my thread and chime in? Thanks so much. I really want to change and make this right.

[ShatteredReality]

Your story seems similar to mine, but I am the H and my W moved out after my outbursts and literally telling her to leave. I would love to get your advice on my issue. If I started a thread titled ShatteredReality, would you be willing to offer some advice.

 

Sure thing - I will look for it...I'm no expert though But I will try to help best I can

[Chi townD]

Friday night was our last night under the same roof. We all had dinner together. It was as if this big event wasn't taking place. Was very passionate that night. The next morning was still the same. Movers showed up at 8:30 and the day went. We had dinner at the new house, so the kids would feel comfortable. Played cards. After dinner I put the kids to bed and went home.

 

The night was strange since no one was there. I got a text from her at 7:30AM letting me know she made me coffee. I had already made some, but it was nice she offered that. Our houses are one block apart. I went over to the house around 11:30 to hang some curtains. Still hugged and kissed a few times. I left around 3PM and we didn't communicate again the rest of the evening.

 

We communicated a bit this morning about things and I'm supposed to go there for dinner tonight.

 

I must admit, I feel different. I'm not comfortable being there because it is her house. I've had a lot of time to myself the last couple of days and it's been kind of nice. I don't have any pressure to act a certain way or say certain things. I don't know if this means I'll start to realize we're better apart. But it does seem like this time apart will not bring us closer if I am feeling this way after two days.

 

 

The reason it feels nice is because you're not walking around on eggshells around her. However, it doesn't solve your problem. I'm sure you'd rather have your family back together and on the road to recovery. Her moving out was a big mistake. I feel that she'll start communication with this guy more, because you're not there to snoop around. Are you guys still doing MC?

[Steadfast]

Generally, people cannot, and do not reconcile when they're apart. It may sound overly simplistic, but loving partners will wish to be with each other. And yeah; even those with issues and tempers. Both men and women will put up with a lot if strong attraction is present. If it's only one sided, that won't work.

 

Excuse me jumping all over the place, but there are differing factors as work in your situation jstobo. If you are willing to work and wait on your wife and she realizes she does want the marriage to survive, then you can work on that together. Please consider that you have a say in this too. Waiting on the sidelines for her decision might seem the right thing to do, but it does little to restore her attraction. You deserve better.

 

Interesting your thoughts on being alone...I suffered greatly when my 'in limbo' wife lived here, only to experience a tremendous sense of relief when she left. This surprised me, because (perhaps like you) I adored my wife; loved her dearly and was extremely attracted to her. In time (and after much introspection) I realized just how bad things had become. I wasn't walking around in egg shells. Most importantly, my wife wasn't cheating on me anymore because I had let her go and filed. From that point on, she was just another woman having sex with someone. No matter how hot or passionate I imagined their sexual meetings to be, doing this restored a huge amount of dignity and self-esteem. By putting her out and releasing 'control' I proclaimed 'No thanks' to her and the world. More than any one thing, this change in my attitude brought about the biggest change in her.

 

Finally, there is a big difference between being 'nice' and being 'kind'. All too often, being nice actually protects her from the consequences of her bad decisions and enables more of the same.

 

She lied and cheated, and for that you have every reason to be angry. But anger, under control, is a powerful thing. By being kind, you're able to communicate to her that while you hate what she did, you continue to love her. Earn her respect by being strong, and it's possible her attraction for you could return.

[jstobo]

The reason it feels nice is because you're not walking around on eggshells around her. However, it doesn't solve your problem. I'm sure you'd rather have your family back together and on the road to recovery. Her moving out was a big mistake. I feel that she'll start communication with this guy more, because you're not there to snoop around. Are you guys still doing MC?

 

Yes, we are going to MC weekly. Appointment tomorrow.

[jstobo]

Generally, people cannot, and do not reconcile when they're apart. It may sound overly simplistic, but loving partners will wish to be with each other. And yeah; even those with issues and tempers. Both men and women will put up with a lot if strong attraction is present. If it's only one sided, that won't work. I agree with this 100%. I'm not good at limbo. I tried to tell her this, but she still felt separating was a good thing to do.

 

Excuse me jumping all over the place, but there are differing factors as work in your situation jstobo. If you are willing to work and wait on your wife and she realizes she does want the marriage to survive, then you can work on that together. Please consider that you have a say in this too. Waiting on the sidelines for her decision might seem the right thing to do, but it does little to restore her attraction. You deserve better. Based on how I already feel after a few days, I'm not sure I will sit and wait on the sidelines.

Interesting your thoughts on being alone...I suffered greatly when my 'in limbo' wife lived here, only to experience a tremendous sense of relief when she left. This surprised me, because (perhaps like you) I adored my wife; loved her dearly and was extremely attracted to her. I am the exact same. In time (and after much introspection) I realized just how bad things had become. I wasn't walking around in egg shells. Most importantly, my wife wasn't cheating on me anymore because I had let her go and filed. From that point on, she was just another woman having sex with someone. No matter how hot or passionate I imagined their sexual meetings to be, doing this restored a huge amount of dignity and self-esteem. By putting her out and releasing 'control' I proclaimed 'No thanks' to her and the world. More than any one thing, this change in my attitude brought about the biggest change in her. How long was it until you got to this point after moving out?

 

Finally, there is a big difference between being 'nice' and being 'kind'. All too often, being nice actually protects her from the consequences of her bad decisions and enables more of the same.

 

She lied and cheated, (only an EA at this point) and for that you have every reason to be angry. But anger, under control, is a powerful thing. By being kind, you're able to communicate to her that while you hate what she did, you continue to love her. Earn her respect by being strong, and it's possible her attraction for you could return.

I think it already has, she just won't admit it.

[WorldIsYours]

I think it already has, she just won't admit it.

 

The fact that she won't even tell you everything shows how unremroseful she is, and why you need to divorce her. She doesn't deserve you.

[Steadfast]

I agree with this 100%. I'm not good at limbo. I tried to tell her this, but she still felt separating was a good thing to do.

 

Since you have no control over her actions, there isn't much you can do but honor it. For some people, these decisions are a test...but for what? If it is control, then she has gained the upper hand by not only forcing a separation, but keeping you on a string fed by virtue and devotion. But this is not love, It's manipulation.

 

Then again, she may be so confused right now that she sees no other recourse but to get away in an attempt to sort through her feelings. Which one (if either) is true I have no idea. That is for you to determine. Regardless, she is putting your relationship at risk. To me, it's clear she knows this.

 

Has she ever asked what you want? If not, then it's likely that her thinking is all self-centered.

 

How long was it until you got to this point after moving out?

 

It's different for everyone jstobo. I'll skip the details of my marriage but I get the sense after reading your posts that your wife is far less rebellious and mean spirited than mine was. Her web of lies, deceit and just plain recklessness came to a head four months after she moved out. I remember wanting to give it six months (ending right around New Years) but worn out from the pain and stress, I pulled the trigger in November.

 

It's no coincidence when I took sole possession of my life, her attitude changed dramatically.

 

Perhaps you can relate to this; my ex is a very attractive woman who has always received a lot of attention from other men. Her whole adult life, she was able to control men with her looks and unspoken promises. I may be wrong, but I'd wager it was one of the first times she had been rejected. This remains a fascination to her, and while my rejection served to rekindle her attraction for me, her actions killed mine.

 

I can only surmise that my love for her was genuine, while hers was based on something else.

 

The best advice I can give you now is the same advice I gave you before; don't discuss your relationship with her. It may seem like a game, but when she pulls away, pull away in the same measure. Give her exactly what she (thinks she) wants. At least she'll understand that you're not trying to control her. Love is a gift that is given freely. That's the beauty of it. False love withers under challenge while real love gains strength. I have a feeling you're going to find out what her love is made of very soon. No one can tell you how long to hold out. You'll know. Keep in touch-

Edited March 22, 2011 by Steadfast

[jstobo]

Well we went to MC and walked out feeling worse. I am getting so tired of hearing all the things I do wrong to cause her unhappiness, while she is not willing to change anything herself. Last night was night 5 in separate houses. I a tough night on night 3, but I have the kids thru Sunday. Last night was fun with them.

 

I've finally made the decision to stop trying. I've banged my head up against the wall for the last four months to be a better man. Everytime I make huge strides, I'm told something else that is wrong with me. Now it's down to, change who I am to make her happy, or be myself and make me happy. I'm choosing me. I officially ended things last night. She told me if I leased a place for 1 year, I was not giving us much of a chance to reconcile. So I told her last night, I'm leasing a place for 1 year and I accept the consequences. Of course, I didn't get much of a fight.

 

I'm starting the next phase now of LC. We have two kids, so I can't go NC. She texted me about 30 minutes ago, "Hi, how did everything go last night." She had dinner at my house with the kids and we put them to bed together. She kind of knows how everything went. I'm doing everything I can to not respond.

[worldgonewrong]

Well we went to MC and walked out feeling worse. I am getting so tired of hearing all the things I do wrong to cause her unhappiness, while she is not willing to change anything herself.

 

I had a similar experience: my wife used MC as an excuse to get a blessing or validation from the therapist.

[What_Next]

Therein lies one of the issues with MC sometimes. I remember back to our first therapist (and when she was still in her affair) that each session basically consisted of her telling me everything I was doing wrong and the therapist saying little actually.

 

Now some of what she was saying was dead on correct, there's no doubt at all, but I felt as though none of my progress was coming to light either.

 

Or maybe I'm just turned against MC in general. It had zero value for us and in fact I look back on it (the previous councilor and the current one) as a large waste of time and waste of money. MC is NOT the be all and end all.

[hopesndreams]

Now it's down to, change who I am to make her happy, or be myself and make me happy. I'm choosing me. I officially ended things last night.

 

Well done!

 

Deal with your past hurts and have no more future hurts from her.

[Steadfast]

Now it's down to, change who I am to make her happy, or be myself and make me happy. I'm choosing me.

 

She knows it's impossible to change who you are, so consider this the soft-scrub of breakups. Just know in the end it'll be you who walked away. This isn't fair, but you're not dealing with a dummy here. She's playing smart, and turning rather controlling to boot. In addition, I'd suspect she's being coached, or has had 'the plan' in place for a good long while. You're new to the game.

 

My advice? No more emotional showdowns; you've said your piece. Besides, she's just going to twist everything you say into her reality.

 

She told me if I leased a place for 1 year, I was not giving us much of a chance to reconcile...I didn't get much of a fight.

 

See above. But remember; do things for the right reasons, not to emotionally force her hand or pressure/scare into doing what you want. More than anything, this means don't say anything you're not prepared to back up with actions.

 

At this point, I'd drop all pretenses (if you haven't already) and just tell her the truth. I'd say; "I don't want a divorce. I don't want to be apart from you or the kids, but you're painting me into a corner. This hurts, and hurting is no way to live. Since you refuse to help make the hurt disappear, I'm going to leave the hurt behind."

 

She texted me about 30 minutes ago, "Hi, how did everything go last night."

 

Call it cake eating, gaslighting or whatever you want, she's clearly in a battle of her own. Part guilty, part elated and part worried. This is a common occurrence; she really wants to keep you available. LC is a good idea, but be mature about it. IMO, a good answer to the above would be. "The kids are fine. See you Sunday."

 

When in doubt, do what's best for the kids. never put them in the middle. Make the next right-

[ShatteredReality]

Well we went to MC and walked out feeling worse. I am getting so tired of hearing all the things I do wrong to cause her unhappiness, while she is not willing to change anything herself. Last night was night 5 in separate houses. I a tough night on night 3, but I have the kids thru Sunday. Last night was fun with them.

 

I've finally made the decision to stop trying. I've banged my head up against the wall for the last four months to be a better man. Everytime I make huge strides, I'm told something else that is wrong with me. Now it's down to, change who I am to make her happy, or be myself and make me happy. I'm choosing me. I officially ended things last night. She told me if I leased a place for 1 year, I was not giving us much of a chance to reconcile. So I told her last night, I'm leasing a place for 1 year and I accept the consequences. Of course, I didn't get much of a fight.

 

I'm starting the next phase now of LC. We have two kids, so I can't go NC. She texted me about 30 minutes ago, "Hi, how did everything go last night." She had dinner at my house with the kids and we put them to bed together. She kind of knows how everything went. I'm doing everything I can to not respond.

 

So sorry to hear. MC only lasted like...three or four sessions for us before the therapist suggested we do IC first. After another two or three visits with her she told me I didn't need therapy...lol...she offered to be there for an annual check up if I needed it. I have chosen Love Shack instead. She also told me to kick him out and make him grow up. This was at my first session alone with her. I didn't follow her advice...I already had the tools, just needed to use them properly (her words). Kicking him out would have most likely ended our marriage. He did go for awhile...it helped him a great deal. I think you should continue to work on yourself. Obviously not for her, but for yourself. You seemed proud of your progress - continue to feel that way. Don't worry any more about how she feels about your progress or you won't continue to make it...don't be discouraged by her...be encouraged by yourself. You've come a long way...but it takes time to prove those changes are permanent. You may not need to prove it to her, but to yourself...and it will definitely help in future relationships.

 

Do what's right for the kids...never putting her down in front of them or ridiculing them. Even if she does about you - don't make it harder than it needs to be. No blame game. None of that. My parents divorced, my father constantly talked about how my mother was a cheating whore (she didn't cheat on him - this I do know) that she was into drugs (another lie) and that my stepdad was going to abuse me (he didn't. He paid for my wedding and was a very good father.). In all of that my mother never spoke ill of my father...she never bashed on the many true bad things he had done or was doing...his actions spoke for themselves...but I realized right about the time I turned 17 and we actually talked about him and the various situations that had passed over the years. I was able to see him for who he really was, and respect her for allowing me to make that distinction myself. He was my father and I loved him, but I respected her for doing the right thing. So yeah...long story short...do right by the kids and don't disrespect their mother in front of them.

 

I hope for the best for you. Don't make any rash decisions just because of emotions...do what's best for you for the kids and for your future. And remember...it's not over till the papers are signed.

[jstobo]

So sorry to hear. MC only lasted like...three or four sessions for us before the therapist suggested we do IC first. After another two or three visits with her she told me I didn't need therapy...lol...she offered to be there for an annual check up if I needed it. I have chosen Love Shack instead. She also told me to kick him out and make him grow up. This was at my first session alone with her. I didn't follow her advice...I already had the tools, just needed to use them properly (her words). Kicking him out would have most likely ended our marriage. He did go for awhile...it helped him a great deal. I think you should continue to work on yourself. Obviously not for her, but for yourself. You seemed proud of your progress - continue to feel that way. Don't worry any more about how she feels about your progress or you won't continue to make it...don't be discouraged by her...be encouraged by yourself. You've come a long way...but it takes time to prove those changes are permanent. You may not need to prove it to her, but to yourself...and it will definitely help in future relationships.

 

Do what's right for the kids...never putting her down in front of them or ridiculing them. Even if she does about you - don't make it harder than it needs to be. No blame game. None of that. My parents divorced, my father constantly talked about how my mother was a cheating whore (she didn't cheat on him - this I do know) that she was into drugs (another lie) and that my stepdad was going to abuse me (he didn't. He paid for my wedding and was a very good father.). In all of that my mother never spoke ill of my father...she never bashed on the many true bad things he had done or was doing...his actions spoke for themselves...but I realized right about the time I turned 17 and we actually talked about him and the various situations that had passed over the years. I was able to see him for who he really was, and respect her for allowing me to make that distinction myself. He was my father and I loved him, but I respected her for doing the right thing. So yeah...long story short...do right by the kids and don't disrespect their mother in front of them.

 

I hope for the best for you. Don't make any rash decisions just because of emotions...do what's best for you for the kids and for your future. And remember...it's not over till the papers are signed.

 

No material changes other than I'm continuing to get stronger and accept the reality of the situation. I know she is going thru a tough time being alone, but I now feel it is for the best. She's still my best friend and I'm hers. I don't have anything really bad to say. We're still having dinner together two nights a week and the kids seem to enjoy it. I'm not naive though. I know as soon as other people come into the equation, things will get sticky again. Hopefully that is months down the road. For now, we are getting along very well as friends, but I feel strongly the marriage is done. I'm currently OK with that. I wish I could be sharing more of a success story, but at least it's a story of happiness for the future. I'm feeling more of that each day!

[worldgonewrong]

You're a strong guy, jstobo. I admire that a lot.

[ShatteredReality]

No material changes other than I'm continuing to get stronger and accept the reality of the situation. I know she is going thru a tough time being alone, but I now feel it is for the best. She's still my best friend and I'm hers. I don't have anything really bad to say. We're still having dinner together two nights a week and the kids seem to enjoy it. I'm not naive though. I know as soon as other people come into the equation, things will get sticky again. Hopefully that is months down the road. For now, we are getting along very well as friends, but I feel strongly the marriage is done. I'm currently OK with that. I wish I could be sharing more of a success story, but at least it's a story of happiness for the future. I'm feeling more of that each day!

 

I am sorry to hear the marriage hasn't gotten back on its feet...I had a bad feeling about her moving out...but I am glad you're continuing to work on yourself and keep the peace and such. It's so important...and I know this time is rough, even with the positive attitude...so keep up the good work and thanks for the updates Keep those up also!

[jstobo]

We agreed that every Wednesday and Sunday we would have dinner together for a smooth transition for the kids. Last night was at my house. We had a good dinner together, but the conversation was kind of boring. I'm starting to think of the reasons I don't enjoy being with her more than the reasons I enjoyed being with her. But she looked damn good last night. So after dinner I asked her upstairs. Her first response was that would be pretty dysfunctional. But I know my Wife really well. I know when she wants to. I told her it would be fun for us since we aren't sleeping with anyone else yet. Needless to say, we had a good time. Hugged her goodbye and away she went. No emotions, no depression or wishing to get her back. If I get to be single AND have that. Not so bad.