My Wife is No Longer in Love with Me

[robf1971]

As the Americans like to say (not sure if your in the US or not) the show aint over till the fat lady sings. Give your wife what she wants in spades. Let her have freedom in volumes. Do not finance or enable her.

 

Concentrate on yourself, there are millions of other things in this world to do aside from worrying about your miserable wife (no offence intended). Once you have this attitude not only will you be happy but the chance of your wife being attracted back to you are 5 million times greater.

 

Women run on feelings, these "feelings" can change in a heartbeat. I've told you before my wife was done, dusted, not attracted, roomates, not wanting counselling blah blah blah. She is "in love " with me now and keeps telling me and showing me. Listen to what I'm saying... ok

[jstobo]

I had another IC meeting today. I got to really describe several different situations between the W and I and how I handled them. I tried to be as honest as I could without interjecting opinion. It felt good to have the therapist validate my feelings AND my actions given the circumstances. As maybe you have read in my last couple of posts, I'm starting to realize several things. I truly truly thought over the last five years, I was a depressed person. I wasn't happy with life. I loved my kids and I loved my job, but life just wasn't exciting. I didn't look forward to vacations or doing a lot of things outside of sitting at home. What is starting to materialize here is I was married to a woman I didn't enjoy being with. Don't get me wrong. I loved her. I was in love with her. I was as attracted to her as you get. But there wasn't anything fun about her. She was depressed. Since she was depressed, I let myself be brought down to her level, so she thought I was depressed. I have actually questioned my sanity on numerous occasions over the past 7 months. I've questioned whether I should be on medication. I cannot tell you how much blame I have put on myself for the demise of my marriage. UNTIL NOW!!

 

It was doomed from the start. I knew my W was depressed when I married her. I don't blame her in any way. I guess I thought my love and our love would be stronger. Unfortunately, I didn't realize the changes I would actually make as a direct effect of living with a depressed person. And when those changes took place, my depressed W didn't have the strength to lift me up. People will say, one day she is going to regret the mistake she made. With my W, it won't happen, because people who suffer from what my W suffers from never see themselves as wrong. They have no idea the effect they have on the people around them, so they think everyone else has a problem. She won't wake up thinking she made a mistake, she'll wake up everyday and believe I made a mistake. She still says the decision for our separation and now divorce is mutual. Unfortunately, that's bordering on delusional. I am worried about my kids over time. I see how her Father, Mother and Sister are. I used to think her sister was mental. I would hear the stories between my W and her sister and of course support my W. Now I understand her sisters actions. I'm so afraid for my kids, since they are going to be raised by a depressed woman.

 

There has been no contact today. We've gone three full days now with out it. I'm not sure we have ever done that. I get the kids today thru Sunday, so I should be able to keep the no contact going. I'll keep you all posted.

[heartshaped]

I hope that she does get the help she needs for the sake of your children. My mother was depressed [my childhood was no picnic to put it lightly] and now I suffer from depression myself, but unlike my mother I am taking the steps that I need to, to be as mentally well as possible before having children of my own.

 

It's a huge undertaking being with someone who suffers from depression and it sounds like in the case of your wife it may be more to it than that.

 

I think as time passes you will continue to heal and to become happier. Just continue on with your progress.

[jstobo]

I hope that she does get the help she needs for the sake of your children. My mother was depressed [my childhood was no picnic to put it lightly] and now I suffer from depression myself, but unlike my mother I am taking the steps that I need to, to be as mentally well as possible before having children of my own.

 

It's a huge undertaking being with someone who suffers from depression and it sounds like in the case of your wife it may be more to it than that.

 

I think as time passes you will continue to heal and to become happier. Just continue on with your progress.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what are some examples of what you dealt with having a depressed mother?

[heartshaped]

If you don't mind me asking, what are some examples of what you dealt with having a depressed mother?

 

Children are a lot more aware than you think. From the time I was small I could tell something was wrong with my mother, she was never really happy, didn't smile, and I'd seen her cry over nothing at all. My grandmother used to explain this away to me as my mother was sick, but that didn't really help my worrying about her.

 

As I got older, my mother's depression seemed to worsen to the point I overheard her telling my grandmother that she had suicidal thoughts. This effected my psyche because of course, as a child I thought it was my fault my mother was like this. She never seemed happy with me or with anyone really and the older I got, the more frequent her talk of suicide even sometimes directly in front of me.

 

There were good days and bad days. At her best, my mother was close to normal, but never quite really. On her worse, my mother wouldn't get out of bed and my grandmother or someone else was left to care for me.

 

I felt like a bad child because my mother wasn't happy and this effected my opinion of myself and my self esteem.

 

There was never any validation for any of my accomplishments and it seemed no matter what I did my mother wasn't happy with me. It wasn't until I was a teenager that I realized my mother wasn't happy with herself and therefore was incapable of being happy with anyone else.

 

It really was more than I can put into words. I'm only glad that she didn't actually attempt suicide though I think if it hadn't have been for me she would have. But just the knowledge that your mother wants to kill herself is too much for a child of 10 or so to handle.

[jstobo]

Heartshaped: I'm sorry you had to experience that kind of thing from your mother. My W is very functional. She is tired a lot and sleeps a lot of hours, but not during the day. It's more like, goes to bed at 9 and sleeps until 7 or 8 if she doesn't have to get the kids to school. But she doesn't compliment me or the kids. She isn't overly critical. She disapproves of things with certain looks or reactions, but not a lot of verbal criticism. She is not affectionate. We had a good sex life, but even sex lacked affection or passion. Sadly, the best sex we had was after the discovery of her emotional affair and that lasted right up until she moved out. I digress. I spent our entire marriage rarely hearing a compliment from her. Rarely did she say, I love you. Rarely did she ever come up to me and give me a hug and kiss for no reason. She was perfectly happy sitting on the couch with me not saying a word. Long drives in the car were mostly spent in silence. What I experience the most that is extremely difficult is her inability to accept someone else's viewpoint or emotions. She also can never be wrong about anything. No matter what happens, it is the other person's fault. She doesn't have empathy. Unfortunately, she has also added lying to the mix lately.

[Steadfast]

jstobo,

 

It's uncanny the description of your wife. All of those things I can relate to so well...the silence, lack of affection, never-wrong attitude, sleep marathons, lack of care and oh; the car rides. It was like someone flipped a switch. And me asking 'what's wrong?' just made her angrier.

 

Confusing to me is how she would open up around others. In some social settings, usually around her large family or work friends she'd light up; turn on the charm and turn heads. Both men and women would fall in love with her, the way she would focus on them with her perpetual smile, twinkling eyes and laugh. But around my family or my friends and she'd revert back to quiet and distant. Pointing this out would earn me the silent treatment for days. Sometimes, I think she cheated on me to end our marriage because she knew I knew. You know? It's important to note this behavior developed over the years- she did not act that way when we met and when we were dating. If she had, I would not have married her.

 

Knowing her like I did, when she confessed cheating and not being in love with me anymore, I knew instantly it was over. An impenetrable wall. My instincts were spot on, and I wasn't totally surprised when she turned up the mean and nasty. That didn't make it any easier, and I soon had to admit I was so addicted to her charm I'd do -or tolerate- almost anything to get back into the rotation. That nearly wrecked me.

 

...and deepened her resolve to twist the knife.

 

I managed to break free using a combination of great, supportive friends, prayer, devotion to my kids and joining LS. Like my ex, your wife might feel her biggest 'mistake' pushing you a little too fast and far. I say all of these things with confidence because in time, the ex; now devastated, alone and afraid, admitted all. She opened up and answered my (unasked) questions by revealing she 'always' punished the people she loved most...just like her mom did. Eh. Not sure if I buy that, but know what's wrong with your wife -again, like my ex- was present in her long before you came along. Add in your own failings, and the challenge is complete.

 

So whether it be from childhood trauma, chemical abuse or simply a behavior pattern built by the person in question, there is little anyone on the outside can do to help someone either not interested, or afraid of being helped. Proceed with kindness, wisdom and pure intentions. You'll make it.

[jstobo]

jstobo,

 

It's uncanny the description of your wife. All of those things I can relate to so well...the silence, lack of affection, never-wrong attitude, sleep marathons, lack of care and oh; the car rides. It was like someone flipped a switch. And me asking 'what's wrong?' just made her angrier.

 

Confusing to me is how she would open up around others. In some social settings, usually around her large family or work friends she'd light up; turn on the charm and turn heads. Both men and women would fall in love with her, the way she would focus on them with her perpetual smile, twinkling eyes and laugh. But around my family or my friends and she'd revert back to quiet and distant. Pointing this out would earn me the silent treatment for days. Sometimes, I think she cheated on me to end our marriage because she knew I knew. You know? It's important to note this behavior developed over the years- she did not act that way when we met and when we were dating. If she had, I would not have married her.

 

Knowing her like I did, when she confessed cheating and not being in love with me anymore, I knew instantly it was over. An impenetrable wall. My instincts were spot on, and I wasn't totally surprised when she turned up the mean and nasty. That didn't make it any easier, and I soon had to admit I was so addicted to her charm I'd do -or tolerate- almost anything to get back into the rotation. That nearly wrecked me.

 

...and deepened her resolve to twist the knife.

 

I managed to break free using a combination of great, supportive friends, prayer, devotion to my kids and joining LS. Like my ex, your wife might feel her biggest 'mistake' pushing you a little too fast and far. I say all of these things with confidence because in time, the ex; now devastated, alone and afraid, admitted all. She opened up and answered my (unasked) questions by revealing she 'always' punished the people she loved most...just like her mom did. Eh. Not sure if I buy that, but know what's wrong with your wife -again, like my ex- was present in her long before you came along. Add in your own failings, and the challenge is complete.

 

So whether it be from childhood trauma, chemical abuse or simply a behavior pattern built by the person in question, there is little anyone on the outside can do to help someone either not interested, or afraid of being helped. Proceed with kindness, wisdom and pure intentions. You'll make it.

 

You, my friend, just hit every nail on the head. I find it hard to believe my wife will ever let me know she made a mistake. I believe in my heart, she will realize one day, just how much I absolutely loved her. But I don't think I'll ever hear about it. I'm sure you never believed your ex would tell you the things she's telling you now. I so know what you mean about the charm. My W is swedish, so the blonde hair is natural, and she has amazing skin and blue eyes. When she walks into a room, everyone looks. When we go to parties, she's a social butterfly. But one on one, she's a different person. Not just with me, but with everyone. Her sister, my family, and her closest friends complain about how difficult it is to have one on one conversations with my Wife.

 

Something my mom pointed out to me a couple of months ago were the pictures around the house. They were all our kids and her side of the family. I never noticed that. I started looking around and looked at some albums. It was as if my family didn't exist. It was another sign that my wife just thinks about her needs and not mine. I guess it was up to me to put pictures of my family up. I just never thought about it that way.

 

As of Thursday morning, still no contact other then a few e-mails about the kids. I'm responding very nicely with thank yous and such. I'm not giving off any sign of anger or bitterness. I felt a little sad last night when I was going to sleep, but I feel better this morning.

[Windsurf66]

well, told you to get a backup ready by dating others

 

i have a diff pt of view on why she decided not to reconcile, i.e. because she was stringing you along, while assessing the situation with the OM. She moved out, remember? You wun know what she has been up to or who she is screwing thats why she did not explain to you why she did not want to accompany you to the party

 

do not trust cheaters, trust me they are in a fog and none better than the devil itself

[Steadfast]

Something my mom pointed out to me a couple of months ago were the pictures around the house. They were all our kids and her side of the family. I never noticed that. I started looking around and looked at some albums. It was as if my family didn't exist.

I can relate, but also confess that I thought and focused more on my family than I did hers. Aware of the danger, I had grown weary of their manipulative, condescending ways and she knew that, which only reinforced her devotion to them. I've learned enough over the years to avoid family divisions and fights. My position was I didn't marry them, but wanted to support and be there for my wife. This is a tricky subject and better left to someone more qualified. I just tried to be respectful.

 

I believe in my heart, she will realize one day, just how much I absolutely loved her.

 

She knows. Not only that, she's counting on it. Believe me. I'm not certain in either case exactly the degree of control one might be seeking, but NC or LC soon turns into a 'test of wills' and at some point, one will cave.

 

Critical point jstobo. Make sure your side of it is not a game. Understand, grasp and dedicate yourself to the idea of changing *your* situation for the better. She has decided for whatever reason to put you away and the bottom line means you have no input on what she's doing or thinking. She's on her own. Others have said it but it bears repeating; give her exactly what she's asking for. She may, or may not see that she truly doesn't want it, but either way she'll realize that because you had no part, she can assign no blame. In the meantime you're free to heal, and move towards a life of purpose. Not walking on eggshells, not guessing.

 

FWIW, I'm past the three-year mark and things are still unsettled. I wonder if they ever will be. Our daughter invited us both to a function last night and I sat with them for over two-hours. My ex-wife's anger towards me has settled into a slow, even burn. Lord knows why...I have every legal and economic reason to be bitter with her but have let it go. A couple of weeks ago I asked what the problem was. Her answer? "You're breathing."

 

[jstobo]

well, told you to get a backup ready by dating others

 

i have a diff pt of view on why she decided not to reconcile, i.e. because she was stringing you along, while assessing the situation with the OM. She moved out, remember? You wun know what she has been up to or who she is screwing thats why she did not explain to you why she did not want to accompany you to the party

 

do not trust cheaters, trust me they are in a fog and none better than the devil itself

 

Of course this is possible. I think about it everyday. But we have not lived together for over two months now. We were going through mediation before she thought she was making a mistake. Over the last two months, there really hasn't been any reason for her to hide an OM. Her sister and friends have never heard anything about an OM. They just hear she is miserable. Again, it's possible but something would have slipped by now. I think it's more likely the man she had an emotional affair with never turned into anything more. I've read enough threads on hear to see what the WS does and my Wife doesn't do any of those things. Doesn't change my position regarding moving on.

[jstobo]

She knows. Not only that, she's counting on it. Believe me. I'm not certain in either case exactly the degree of control one might be seeking, but NC or LC soon turns into a 'test of wills' and at some point, one will cave.

 

Critical point jstobo. Make sure your side of it is not a game. Understand, grasp and dedicate yourself to the idea of changing *your* situation for the better.

 

We are still LC, but the texting regarding the kids has increased over the last couple of days. The texts have included a lot of thank you's and smiley faces and winks. I've been doing the thank you's because I do not want to seem angry and bitter. Hers have included the smiley faces and winks. My side is not a game, because so much damage has been caused. I'm not doing LC because I hope it's what wins her back. I'm doing it because I now believe she is a woman I can not have happiness with. She has betrayed and continually lied to me. Although she has not been nasty as some BS have described. We have worked in total harmony when it has come to living arrangements, kids and money.

 

Today was not difficult to maintain LC, but I felt anxious throughout the day. I admit, I was hoping to receive some sign she is missing me since I am missing her. There is always that part of you that at least wants to hear your WS is realizing their mistake. You dread to hear anything that confirms what everyone assumes about an OM being involved the whole time. Especially if it ends up being the original OM. I've made it through 5 days of not saying a word about us and being nice during any interaction. Now I can shoot for 10 days.

[ShatteredReality]

Today was not difficult to maintain LC, but I felt anxious throughout the day. I admit, I was hoping to receive some sign she is missing me since I am missing her. There is always that part of you that at least wants to hear your WS is realizing their mistake. You dread to hear anything that confirms what everyone assumes about an OM being involved the whole time. Especially if it ends up being the original OM. I've made it through 5 days of not saying a word about us and being nice during any interaction. Now I can shoot for 10 days.

 

Being able to make all the normally difficult choices together without the fighting is huge - I suppose now is when you begin to be thankful for whatever you CAN get from the situation?? The amicable nature you two are able to have and such. She will realize her mistake...esp once your affections are no longer returned....But see...what we talked about earlier is what has happened. She waited too long and now you're moving on. This sounds like it will be good for you.

 

If OM is a part of the picture you will find out eventually, but as you have said before - someone else would have heard about him by now...chances are YOU would have heard about him by now. Sounds like more than anything her illness has completely taken over. Depression is a selfish illness on it's own...so if she spent some time feeling like her needs were going unmet but feeling like she was doing her best to meet yours then she's on overtime making up for the lost time.

 

So now you concentrate on the positives...you've recognized things about yourself you could change and worked on those things (whether it was truly needed for this situation or not it's still a good thing). You tried everything in your arsenal before walking away so you don't have to hang your head at all about that either. You probably won't have any trouble, once you're ready, finding someone else to keep company with you, so give yourself the time you need to heal and to mourn the loss you've suffered and then go ahead and start seeing what options you have out there - though I know you already have someone kind of waiting in the wings.

 

Keep us posted through this process you're going through - but I am confident you will land firmly on your feet.

 

Also, about the kids...I understand the angle of being the parent trying to make up for the lack from the other parent. My H has depression, anxiety, ADD...so he is not quite to freeflowing with the positive reinforcement with the kids...which sometimes causes me to go overboard just a bit I think. Just do the best that you can...keep an eye on them - they will show signs to tell you how things are going. Do your best to read them and keep them open and talking to you - make sure they understand that none of any of it has to do with you. Of all the gifts my mother gave me growning up - the thorough knowledge that the divorce or any of my dads craziness afterward weren't my fault was one of the best gifts she gave to me. Do what you can to make sure they understand that (I forget how old they are) and if need be to ahead and find a good childrens counselor to help them learn to handle their emotions as they come at them. I think I saw someone for about a year an a half after my parents divorced and I can honestly say it helped me work through much of the confusion and angst I would otherwise have lost myself in.

[jstobo]

 

So now you concentrate on the positives...you've recognized things about yourself you could change and worked on those things (whether it was truly needed for this situation or not it's still a good thing). You tried everything in your arsenal before walking away so you don't have to hang your head at all about that either. You probably won't have any trouble, once you're ready, finding someone else to keep company with you, so give yourself the time you need to heal and to mourn the loss you've suffered and then go ahead and start seeing what options you have out there - though I know you already have someone kind of waiting in the wings.

 

There actually is not anyone waiting in the wings. I've gone out on a few dates, which were fun, one not fun at all. . I haven't done anything physical with anyone. I just haven't had a connection or physical feeling with anyone yet. I've texted a few women, but even those didn't materialize. I'm hopeful to fall for someone, so it can help me move on, but I haven't a feeling I haven't been able to feel chemistry with anyone because I'm still hung up on the W.

 

We didn't communicate at all yesterday. Not even regarding the kids. She did come over this morning to pick up the kids. I had all of their stuff sitting outside and sent them outside waiting for her. When she came I didn't go out. I wanted to show her happiness and little care, but I knew I would end up being depressed for an hour after seeing her. I decided not seeing her was the better choice for me. I'm sure it sent a strong message to her that she still has control, but it was best of the two choices.

 

Now we have absolutely no reason to communicate until Wednesday afternoon. We have never gone more than 1 day. I see this as a great challenge for me, but one I must be successful at.

[ShatteredReality]

There actually is not anyone waiting in the wings. I've gone out on a few dates, which were fun, one not fun at all. . I haven't done anything physical with anyone. I just haven't had a connection or physical feeling with anyone yet. I've texted a few women, but even those didn't materialize. I'm hopeful to fall for someone, so it can help me move on, but I haven't a feeling I haven't been able to feel chemistry with anyone because I'm still hung up on the W.

 

We didn't communicate at all yesterday. Not even regarding the kids. She did come over this morning to pick up the kids. I had all of their stuff sitting outside and sent them outside waiting for her. When she came I didn't go out. I wanted to show her happiness and little care, but I knew I would end up being depressed for an hour after seeing her. I decided not seeing her was the better choice for me. I'm sure it sent a strong message to her that she still has control, but it was best of the two choices.

 

Now we have absolutely no reason to communicate until Wednesday afternoon. We have never gone more than 1 day. I see this as a great challenge for me, but one I must be successful at.

 

The waiting in the wings comment wasn't meant to mean anything more than you had an possible girlfriend option already - so I hope you didn't misunderstand me on that.

 

I think sending the kids out without going out sent her the opposite message that you're indicating that you think it did. You didn't tell her she holds the power, rather that you don't HAVE to see her every opportunity that arises. I know if my H managed to do that to me ever I probably would have taken it as a slight hit - and I am not sensitive or needy that way. He is more than I am. So instead I think you probably sent her a message of self confidence and happy more than you think - you're happy enough on your own that you don't HAVE to see her just because she's coming around...If anything I think that was a really good move.

 

I hope you're able to keep the NC/LC...let us know how these next few days go in that area!

[jstobo]

Made it through another day. I went out with some friends last night. It was fun, but a woman I had no interest in wouldn't leave me alone. I actually saw several woman I wouldn't have minded talking to, but I couldn't shake this one. I thought I was being obvious, but I'm too nice. Anyway, around midnight and after a few drinks in me, I wanted to text my wife sooooo bad. But I knew it would have been a really bad idea. I refrained. She texted me a couple of hours ago about the kids enjoying their weekend in the desert and she hoped I was having a good weekend. She followed that up with needing a password. All I did was answer the password question. I didn't acknowledge the other parts. She simply responded with thanks for the help. I really miss her and it pains me to think she doesn't miss me. I'm slowly getting over it though. It's been a full week now since the end of our weak attempt at reconciliation. I feel as though I'm getting close to the resentment phase. Even though I miss my old W, I'm starting to resent the person she has become. I think I'm moving through the normal process.

[Steadfast]

Time for some tough love jstobo. Don't hate me...ok? I'm in your corner.

 

Regardless of what your wife has done, or is doing, you have no business with other women right now. You're married. And even if you weren't, you're not emotionally ready, meaning you'll intent is to use some woman for your own personal reasons. That is, to feel better. That is a big no-no.

 

...and not only for the reasons you might think.

 

Speaking from experience, I can tell you it won't help. Truly, you could hook up with a mega-fine lady that's totally into you, but in the end and in time you'll only feel worse than you do now. Your heart is not healed, and when you try to make it do more things at once then it's designed to do, you hurt it. When that doesn't work out (and rebounds never do) then not only will you still be dealing with feelings concerning your stbx, but issues relating to the new person too. Bad scene. Did I mention I've been there?

 

Get through this first. Focus on healing. Focus on understanding. Focus on being happy inside your own skin. Focus on your children. Focus on today.

 

Lose the neediness.

 

As a rule, it takes a couple of years post-divorce before you're ready to start dating again. I know...it sounds like a lot, but it'll go by quick. Trust me on this one and listen to the voice of experience. Stay down-

[jstobo]

Time for some tough love jstobo. Don't hate me...ok? I'm in your corner.

 

Regardless of what your wife has done, or is doing, you have no business with other women right now. You're married. And even if you weren't, you're not emotionally ready, meaning you'll intent is to use some woman for your own personal reasons. That is, to feel better. That is a big no-no.

 

...and not only for the reasons you might think.

 

Speaking from experience, I can tell you it won't help. Truly, you could hook up with a mega-fine lady that's totally into you, but in the end and in time you'll only feel worse than you do now. Your heart is not healed, and when you try to make it do more things at once then it's designed to do, you hurt it. When that doesn't work out (and rebounds never do) then not only will you still be dealing with feelings concerning your stbx, but issues relating to the new person too. Bad scene. Did I mention I've been there?

 

Get through this first. Focus on healing. Focus on understanding. Focus on being happy inside your own skin. Focus on your children. Focus on today.

 

Lose the neediness.

 

As a rule, it takes a couple of years post-divorce before you're ready to start dating again. I know...it sounds like a lot, but it'll go by quick. Trust me on this one and listen to the voice of experience. Stay down-

 

I don't hate you. I know you're speaking from experience. I've been unhappy for so long, so I think I'm further along than most on here. You can probably tell from my posts. Do I miss my Wife? Yes. But I only miss the idea. I miss the idea of married with children. Do I miss coming home to someone that shows little emotion and communicates even less? No. Do I feel rejected? Yes. I don't want to force anything to happen, but at the same time, I don't want to sit at home every night either. I'm thinking of getting back into tennis, softball and just being more social. I think that's what you did, if I remember correctly.

[jstobo]

Today wasn't a great day for the wife and Me. I sent her an e-mail outlining the check I would be writing her this month. The amount is based on what our attorney said it should be. Of course my wife completely disagrees with the amount. Well welcome to reality. When you are a homemaker and decide to leave your marriage, it's time to get a job. She seems to be in la la land that the courts will think she can drop the kids off at 8 and go have lattes and work out until 2. Single motherhood doesn't work that way. She seems to think it's fair that I go broke, so she can keep her lifestyle and not do anything to earn it. What's amazing to me is, I actually felt bad when I was talking to her. When am I going to get angry and tell her to eff off? Of course she withdrew during the conversation and told me she needed to process things. Arggghhh!! Why am I losing everything in this deal? I'm losing my wife, marital home, friends and full time with my kids. What is she losing? It's only fair in my mind that she struggle financially. It's fair that she gets a job and supports at least a portion of her life. Why should I lose everything AND pay to keep her lifestyle in tact. What do you all think?

[Steadfast]

I think you need to stop worrying about the way things should be and accept the way they are. The finances will continue to be an issue until the kids are grown, or at least past collage. Make sure you and your lawyer impress upon her (or representation) that not only do you need to live, but also provide a suitable place for the kids when they are with you. Joint custody will net you the best and fairest deal. Make sure the wage assignment is modified when she starts working. Your cost will drop some.

 

I've been unhappy for so long, so I think I'm further along than most on here. You can probably tell from my posts. Do I miss my Wife? Yes. But I only miss the idea. I miss the idea of married with children. Do I miss coming home to someone that shows little emotion and communicates even less? No. Do I feel rejected? Yes. I don't want to force anything to happen, but at the same time, I don't want to sit at home every night either. I'm thinking of getting back into tennis, softball and just being more social. I think that's what you did, if I remember correctly.

Come on now...chin up. Don't justify it. Maybe you'll be ready sooner than the average but what concerns me is your need for companionship. That need (to not be alone) is a normal one jstobo, but that isn't where you are. You're still mourning a relationship, family and marriage. Trust me; take the time to just handle one problem at a time. It's for your own good.

 

It's time for a new routine...a new passtime. Something that's all yours. So hard at first but in time, I grew to really appreciate having this special time; no yapping, complaining or threats. It's mine. I have one friend that when his kids weren't there, he'd make stuff for them. After some time, he and his kids completed several projects together. They made (built) their beds, built rockets, refinished junk furniture and amassed an amazing comic book collection. They kids couldn't wait to get over there! Now that his kids are grown he's doing the same thing in the big brothers program.

 

Friends are important. Be one...don't just need one. Volunteer work can take you to a whole new level of understanding and appreciation. Church is great, a new (affordable) hobby. I run and work out. Best shape of my life!

 

My situation is not the same as yours friend. I have my kids full time...or, I did, anyway. they are growing up and out of the house more. Time has passed and my ex no longer has any power over me. Her gun is empty.

 

Take care of today. Tomorrow will wait-

[jstobo]

It's been six days since my last post and not much has changed. Our communication has dropped off the table. It's sad, because throughout this ordeal, we were friends. We were nice to each other. Now I've lost the friendship as well. I know its the right thing since it seems clear our marriage is over. It's hard when two weeks ago, we were trying to reconcile and suddenly we're no longer speaking. She got upset with me regarding the finances and she hasn't gotten over it I guess. I've had a tough couple of days. I've really wanted to reach out to her and ask for one more try, but I know the answer to that. I keep it to myself. I also tell myself all the selfish things she has done. I know we shouldn't be together, but I still hope for some miracle. I'm waiting for the day when I wake up and I no longer feel anything for her. That day seems so far away. I'm also pretty bitter about all the sacrifices I have had to make throughout this separation. Her life is going on all the same. Nice house, club membership, all our friends, etc. etc. I've lost everything in the deal and it doesn't seem fair at all. Why does she get to have the affair and leave me, yet I lose everything. I don't get it. I would love to hear a WS story of pain they went through. I don't feel like my WS is suffering one bit.

[ShatteredReality]

She is - but you'll never see it. Suffering that is.

 

You will always feel something for her...so don't fight that....instead concentrate on that your feelings will change. In the future a new friendship may arise, but the old one must go with the marriage. So now is where you iron out your own kinks, work through the emotions in a healthy fashion, mourn what's passing....and know that it will get better....you'll move forward and you'll be just fine...you have set yourself up for success.

[Steadfast]

She is - but you'll never see it. Suffering that is.

 

You will always feel something for her...so don't fight that....instead concentrate on that your feelings will change.

 

Well said and all true.

 

The bitter stage is inevitable but don't let it overtake you. Some never get over the bitterness and it clouds their whole lives...even to the point where every new person pays for the sins of the ex. That's no way to live.

 

Remember this idiom: If her suffering brings you joy, what will her joy bring you?

 

Start now by mentally letting her off the hook. Say it out loud if you have to, until it starts to sink in. Comfort yourself and move on by remembering that bad things happen to good people. Her 'payback' is assured. Stay out of it...you'll only slow the process down or lessen its impact if you meddle.

 

The best 'revenge' as they say, is living well.

 

Day by day. You'll make it-

[jstobo]

I went to my therapist today and made some more good strides. I let her know that the contact between my W and I had dropped off the table. But I also let her know that I have a strong feeling inside that my W is not doing well. We talked about that and she thought it would be best if my W came to my next session to hear her side of things. I feel confident this morning for some reason. I had a rough couple of days, but suddenly things have become more clear. Clear in a way where I know what my W has been looking for. I go back to the fact that my W and I have not had the same experiences all the other posters have shared. Even our time in separate homes hasn't had the experiences some marriages have had in the same home.

 

Anyway, I needed to call her and ask her to attend the next session with me. She agreed to do that. I was actually a little surprised she said yes so quickly. After that I told her I wanted one more chance to for our marriage to work. She didn't say yes to that. She said she would like to attend the therapy session and go from there. I tried to clarify if that meant she would think about it or did it mean no. She said she felt a little on the spot, but she was glad I was communicating. I told her that I still care deeply for her and I think I understand things much better because of my therapy. I would like an opportunity to try again since I had been given tools to recognize some of my behaviors. I ended the conversation telling her to think about it.

 

I feel good for some reason. I even think she could be with someone, but it doesn't matter to me. I know I can win her heart. I can't wait to see all of you bash me for this. But know, I am not begging or pleading. I'm not even going to ask her what her decision is. I'm just going to assume it's a yes and ask her out in a few days. If she says no, I'll shrug it off and ask her out again a few days later. I'll just wear her down.

 

ShatteredReality: I know you'll appreciate this. I even think Steadfast will. Not sure about the rest of you.

[Steadfast]

This is a positive post jstobo. What you're written shows you are putting in the work and healing, but don't expect her to share your enlightenment if she isn't doing the same. People, especially those in therapy, are rarely on the same level. You just got off the roller coaster; don't get back on.

 

I am not begging or pleading. I'm not even going to ask her what her decision is. I'm just going to assume it's a yes and ask her out in a few days. If she says no, I'll shrug it off and ask her out again a few days later. I'll just wear her down.

 

I'd feel better about the situation if she had contacted you, but that's the way it is. Major red flag on the 'wear her down' comment. Remember, if you can talk her into it someone else can talk her out. Do you want a solid foundation with this woman, or another temporary one? Think it over.

 

Most of all, I'm glad your better. Keep doing what you're doing. Let her worry about her. Don't be tempted to control the situation just because you understand it better-