My Wife is No Longer in Love with Me

[jstobo]

I'd feel better about the situation if she had contacted you, but that's the way it is. Major red flag on the 'wear her down' comment. Remember, if you can talk her into it someone else can talk her out. Do you want a solid foundation with this woman, or another temporary one? Think it over.

 

Most of all, I'm glad your better. Keep doing what you're doing. Let her worry about her. Don't be tempted to control the situation just because you understand it better-

 

I would feel a lot better if she had contacted me as well. But no matter how miserable she is, she believes in her heart she os making the right decision. She is an incredibly strong woman. Her will power is far greater then most. I believe, I am finally able to be the confident and steady man she has been asking for. I have to see what our relationship will be like with me giving her what she wants. I have to see if that ends up getting me what I want. If I'm the person she has been asking for and it still doesn't work out, then we have tried everything. With her attending therapy with me and me thinking differently about things, I have to see this through.

 

I've also gotten out of my head, the desire to replace her with another woman. That was sucking up a lot of my energy. I now know it is not something I am capable of. I needed to try it though to find out. I went on a half a dozen first dates over the last couple of months and not one of them sparked my interest. I'm done with that for now. I'm concentrating on my kids, career, health and wife; in no particular order. I have to see where this approach takes us over the next 4 weeks.

[jstobo]

Today was a decent day. We actually spoke to each other a few times throughout the day. We had an open house for the kids school tonight. I texted her if she wanted me to get her the ice tea she likes at the store. She said yes. I know this sounds really small and stupid, but it's the first time in so long she accepted an offer from me. We were very nice at the open house. Almost like all the barriers had been removed. I still has some anxiety around her, but not as much as usual. I've been affectionate to her the last couple of days and she hasn't resisted from any of it. At the end of the open house I asked if she would be willing to have dinner with me Monday night. Her first response was yes. I should have left it that, but I asked if that meant she was giving me another shot. She said why does dinner have to mean that? I said it doesn't but I'm hopeful it could lead to that. She was reluctant to label it as trying again. I asked her if she was seeing anyone and felt us trying again would complicate things. She said she was not seeing anyone. This is a huge break through. This is the first time she actually answered the question. She would always tell me it wasn't my business. I was shocked she actually answered me. I believe her 100%. Unfortunately I lost the opportunity to have dinner with her Monday since I classified it as trying again. But she said why don't we take the first step with going to mu counselor together. I am feeling really positive about things. I feel like a lot of walls and animosity has dropped to manageable levels. I hope I can keep making progress.

 

ShatteredReality? Advice would be greatly appreciated now. We still don't live together, but I think I have a real shot here, because I think I am finally mentally ready to take it.

[jstobo]

I am still feeling really good. I spoke to a few friends who know about the situation and both of them were very encouraging. I dropped the kids off at school and I went and got her a latte. I just put it at her door. I texted her letting her know it was there. She sent a very nice thank you text. Again, very different behavior then I see from most posters. She has responded positively to everything I do. The only time I get a negative response it when it is about finances. I am basically treating this like I just met a girl I'm head over heals for that isn't too sure how she feels about me. I am betting that this new behavior is going to see some really positive results.

[worldgonewrong]

Today was a decent day. We actually spoke to each other a few times throughout the day.

 

I would give my right arm to attain that level of communication w/my wife again.

[ShatteredReality]

Today was a decent day. We actually spoke to each other a few times throughout the day. We had an open house for the kids school tonight. I texted her if she wanted me to get her the ice tea she likes at the store. She said yes. I know this sounds really small and stupid, but it's the first time in so long she accepted an offer from me. We were very nice at the open house. Almost like all the barriers had been removed. I still has some anxiety around her, but not as much as usual. I've been affectionate to her the last couple of days and she hasn't resisted from any of it. At the end of the open house I asked if she would be willing to have dinner with me Monday night. Her first response was yes. I should have left it that, but I asked if that meant she was giving me another shot. She said why does dinner have to mean that? I said it doesn't but I'm hopeful it could lead to that. She was reluctant to label it as trying again. I asked her if she was seeing anyone and felt us trying again would complicate things. She said she was not seeing anyone. This is a huge break through. This is the first time she actually answered the question. She would always tell me it wasn't my business. I was shocked she actually answered me. I believe her 100%. Unfortunately I lost the opportunity to have dinner with her Monday since I classified it as trying again. But she said why don't we take the first step with going to mu counselor together. I am feeling really positive about things. I feel like a lot of walls and animosity has dropped to manageable levels. I hope I can keep making progress.

 

ShatteredReality? Advice would be greatly appreciated now. We still don't live together, but I think I have a real shot here, because I think I am finally mentally ready to take it.

 

I'm still here!! I did not abandon you - I have just had a few realllly crazy days on my plate with extra work and whatnot - annnnnnyyyywaayyys.

 

What you said about three posts ago - you're right, I appreciated that entire thing...like Steadfast I would have preferred she called you, and you don't want the attitude that you'll be wearing her down. I am not certain my H ever felt that exactly - and if it is he certainly never let on....I would say it wasn't ever a "wearing down" per se...so much as a winning of my affections. That's why I like that you've compared it to meeting a new girl. That is kind of where you're at at this point. If you want to start again with your wife it's not "giving it another shot". It's building a new relationship. The "us" you knew is gone. The marriage you had is gone. You've mourned its passing, so let it go. You still have the memories and the history to return to with fondness...the pain and such is still there too....try not to revisit that during the beginning of the new relationship except when necessary or resentment will build in the new relationship. Stop pressuring her to call it "trying again" If she's going on a date with you she's trying again. She will be hesitant about labels or commitments in the beginning. I love that she's going to therapy with you - that's going to really open up some doors. Communication has been a struggle with you two in some areas and I think some joint therapy will at the very least help you to feel comfortable with eachother there.

 

I know it's more for your benefit...but she might benefit from it as well. Don't vamp up the communication just yet...continue to treat this with kid gloves. The most important thing is that you're happy Jstobo. She needs to be an ADDITION to your life, not a necessity. And I agree it's worth seeing how she responds when she's getting all that she requires from you - but don't let her take more than you can afford to give either. Figure out your boundaries (I am still working on that personally). My H suffers from anxiety, depression, and ADD. The meds he's on stabalize him...but there are many bumps in the road while weeding through the nuances of his psyche and how he will react or take certain things. I completely understand how draining it can be to be the emotional pillar in that type of relationship. Examine completely if you can do that for life. If you can, continue to woo your wife. Do it calmly, slowly, tenderly.

[jstobo]

Today was a positive day, but for different reasons. My kids had a swim meet. I live in a very tight knit community. There is very little divorce in my community and everybody knows everything. I haven't been sure what everyone knew and what they thought. Well today one of the moms came up to me and was telling me the word amongst the mothers was my W had a problem had didn't handle things properly. I listened, but also shared a bit of the story. She was a little surprised at the truth, but always knew it wasn't me. Later at the meet another Mom came up to me. She told a similar story. Tonight I took the kids to a party in our community. When I was saying goodbye another mom pulled me aside and told me how impressed she was with my attitude and how well I have taken care of the kids. She said I could bring the kids over anytime I needed. It was so gratifying to hear that kind of support today. I wonder if my W is getting any anymosity from these mothers.

 

I'm still trying to win her back, but it sure feels good to know the community seems to be on my side.

[robf1971]

Today was a positive day, but for different reasons. My kids had a swim meet. I live in a very tight knit community. There is very little divorce in my community and everybody knows everything. I haven't been sure what everyone knew and what they thought. Well today one of the moms came up to me and was telling me the word amongst the mothers was my W had a problem had didn't handle things properly. I listened, but also shared a bit of the story. She was a little surprised at the truth, but always knew it wasn't me. Later at the meet another Mom came up to me. She told a similar story. Tonight I took the kids to a party in our community. When I was saying goodbye another mom pulled me aside and told me how impressed she was with my attitude and how well I have taken care of the kids. She said I could bring the kids over anytime I needed. It was so gratifying to hear that kind of support today. I wonder if my W is getting any anymosity from these mothers.

 

I'm still trying to win her back, but it sure feels good to know the community seems to be on my side.

 

Prepare yourself to have every single mum within a 50 mile radius after you man... lol.

[jstobo]

Prepare yourself to have every single mum within a 50 mile radius after you man... lol.

 

Yeah, too bad whenever I find a mother attractive, she has a husband attached to her. Oh well.

 

Anyway, another positive day. I am the pursuer, but it needs to be that way right now. I texted her this morning this. I was just thinking about you and wanted to say "hi". She immediately texted back "hi there, how are the kids. Everyone good?" she does always add something about the kids, but I know it is a protective mechanism. She doesn't want to give in right now. I just keep staying positive.

 

I dropped the kids off and gave her a long hug. She didn't embrace me tightly, but she didn't stop the hug either. She just kept hugging. We talked about our weekend for about 15 minutes. I left after that and gave her another hug. I always used to kiss her just below her ear whenever I hug her. I started doing that again. This entire week she has not initiated anything, but she has not rejected anything either.

 

If she was no longer interested in our relationship, would she do anything at all? Wouldn't she ignore most of my texts that don't involve the kids, wouldn't she avoid hugging me? Maybe I'm grasping for straws, but I don't think so. I believe if I keep up this positive attitude, I think she will start to respond. I just can't expect anything after a week.

 

When I dropped the kids off, I had an apple strudel for her. She likes to have pieces of it for her dessert. I know she liked that. Little things. Just little things.

[2sunny]

i'm dropping in late here - and haven't read the whole thread - but from what i can see as of late...

 

is there any reason why you are participating completely as her doormat?

 

she won't respect you if you keep this up the way you've been acting. you need to get busy with lots of outside interests, hobbies and friends - instead of dropping off little gifts and hanging on her every move, word and hug. she's stringing you along and making little/no effort for you. it makes you look desperate.

 

when SHE starts to initiate contact by words - and physically- is when she INTENDS to reach out to YOU. in the meantime - back away and stay busy- busy enough to allow her to wonder where you are and start asking to see you (not just the kids).

[jstobo]

i'm dropping in late here - and haven't read the whole thread - but from what i can see as of late...

 

is there any reason why you are participating completely as her doormat?

 

she won't respect you if you keep this up the way you've been acting. you need to get busy with lots of outside interests, hobbies and friends - instead of dropping off little gifts and hanging on her every move, word and hug. she's stringing you along and making little/no effort for you. it makes you look desperate.

 

when SHE starts to initiate contact by words - and physically- is when she INTENDS to reach out to YOU. in the meantime - back away and stay busy- busy enough to allow her to wonder where you are and start asking to see you (not just the kids).

 

Hey 2sunny, I totally hear you. But I have to do this. My W has responded very positively throughout our marriage and separation to me when I am nice. The problem has been my anger and bitterness. She has been very clear about that being the problem. I have to prove I am working on my anger. When I am nice, she is loving. She is not an affectionate or chatty woman. I need to accept that because I love so many other things about her.

 

We do not live together, so I am living my life. I know I can live without her because I have done it for 3 months. But I need to try and do what she has asked for. If I do that and she doesn't respond after 30 days, I can confidently walk away. I'll be able to look in the mirror everyday and know I tried everything to save my marriage. I am not begging, pleading or discussing our relationship. I am simply treating this like a new relationship and letting everything else go. We have kids and 13 years of history, so that gives me an advantage. I am traveling for 3 days, so I won't contact her and I'm not expecting her to contact me. Ah whom I kidding, I'll probably contact her.

[Surfer203]

Of course she responds well to when you are being nice. I have to say I really admire your heart and your courage. You are going for what YOU want. I wish you the best because really that has always been my view of things too. Fight for your marriage and what you want out of life. You seem smart though because you are not pushing too hard you are being subtle. I think that is the best approach.

[ShatteredReality]

Hey 2sunny, I totally hear you. But I have to do this. My W has responded very positively throughout our marriage and separation to me when I am nice. The problem has been my anger and bitterness. She has been very clear about that being the problem. I have to prove I am working on my anger. When I am nice, she is loving. She is not an affectionate or chatty woman. I need to accept that because I love so many other things about her.

 

I love that you recognize this. It's so easy to look at the negative and dwell on it, but to accept her for who she is and then concentrate on the things that you do love about her - that's great. I think she'll continue to respond positively...and I am glad you're going slow...not pressuring her. Pressure seems to scare her off...so it's kid gloves for a bit longer...but you're doing great!

 

We do not live together, so I am living my life. I know I can live without her because I have done it for 3 months. But I need to try and do what she has asked for. If I do that and she doesn't respond after 30 days, I can confidently walk away. I'll be able to look in the mirror everyday and know I tried everything to save my marriage. I am not begging, pleading or discussing our relationship. I am simply treating this like a new relationship and letting everything else go. We have kids and 13 years of history, so that gives me an advantage. I am traveling for 3 days, so I won't contact her and I'm not expecting her to contact me. Ah whom I kidding, I'll probably contact her.

 

Hey if you can go the first two days w/out contacting her I think it'll make an impact. But it doesn't hurt to "check in" about the kids and have an excuse to ask how she's doing too...

[2sunny]

Hey 2sunny, I totally hear you. But I have to do this. My W has responded very positively throughout our marriage and separation to me when I am nice. The problem has been my anger and bitterness. She has been very clear about that being the problem. I have to prove I am working on my anger. When I am nice, she is loving. She is not an affectionate or chatty woman. I need to accept that because I love so many other things about her.

 

We do not live together, so I am living my life. I know I can live without her because I have done it for 3 months. But I need to try and do what she has asked for. If I do that and she doesn't respond after 30 days, I can confidently walk away. I'll be able to look in the mirror everyday and know I tried everything to save my marriage. I am not begging, pleading or discussing our relationship. I am simply treating this like a new relationship and letting everything else go. We have kids and 13 years of history, so that gives me an advantage. I am traveling for 3 days, so I won't contact her and I'm not expecting her to contact me. Ah whom I kidding, I'll probably contact her.

 

just wait while you're traveling - stay busy - and see IF she contacts you first.

 

good balance is equal amounts of giving and receiving - to this point, you reach out = she RESPONDS to YOUR action. good balance would be that SHE reach out = you respond to her. allowing her space to think of you more than she has been - would look healthy from her end. she's been willing to take - now's a good time to see if she's capable of being a giver - even if it's small gestures...

 

when she begins to reach out and DO loving actions for you as well - THAT is when we will see you two turn the corner.

 

just allow her the room to make an effort to think of you as well.

[jstobo]

Nothing new to report. I managed to get through my first day of traveling without contacting her. I was very hopeful she would text me to see how my flight was, but she didn't. I ended up getting pretty down last night when I was alone in my hotel room. I started thinking I should just give up and move on. But today is a new day and I'm back on track. I'm not going to contact her today either. I think this is a good opportunity to see if she ever reaches out to me. I was so nice last week and gave so much. I need to give her a chance to show if she can give a little and show a baby step. I do wish I could check up on the kids without going through her.

[Surfer203]

If you have decided to try your best to fix things then keep on trucking! I am sure not being in contact after traveling made you feel weird and alone in a hotel room is never a good feeling. Glad to hear you are back on track and going to continue working for what YOU want. Now, you have put in effort let's see if she gives puts in some of her own. Don't over extend yourself.

[robf1971]

- instead of dropping off little gifts and hanging on her every move, word and hug. she's stringing you along and making little/no effort for you. it makes you look desperate.

 

when SHE starts to initiate contact by words - and physically- is when she INTENDS to reach out to YOU. in the meantime - back away and stay busy- busy enough to allow her to wonder where you are and start asking to see you (not just the kids).

 

Bingo!!!!

 

There will be a time for pursuing, gifts etc as 2 Sunny says when she INTENDS to reach out to you. Now is the wrong time.

[robf1971]

The problem has been my anger and bitterness. .

 

Ok, I don't see how you doing your own thing, own friends hobbies etc, not pursuing her means you are being angry and bitter. I don't understand why you keep contacting her either, let her do the chasing, even if she doesn't call you for a week big deal. When she finally does contact you, be happy and upbeat. Just don't keep initiating.

[jstobo]

Ok, I don't see how you doing your own thing, own friends hobbies etc, not pursuing her means you are being angry and bitter. I don't understand why you keep contacting her either, let her do the chasing, even if she doesn't call you for a week big deal. When she finally does contact you, be happy and upbeat. Just don't keep initiating.

 

I know this worked for you and I admire it. I wish I could go back to D day and do the things you did and advise. 8 months later, we're living apart and I need to adopt new strategies. She came back to me once nearly two months ago and my anger and bitterness took over. I have to show her I am making changes in that area. I just don't know how going NC will show her that. My therapist is concerned that since we live apart, we're not able to work on things. I'm trying to do the best I can under the current circumstances. I'll tell you what. I don't get the kids until Thursday afternoon. I will not initiate any contact until then.

[robf1971]

I know this worked for you and I admire it. I wish I could go back to D day and do the things you did and advise. 8 months later, we're living apart and I need to adopt new strategies. She came back to me once nearly two months ago and my anger and bitterness took over. I have to show her I am making changes in that area. I just don't know how going NC will show her that. My therapist is concerned that since we live apart, we're not able to work on things. I'm trying to do the best I can under the current circumstances. I'll tell you what. I don't get the kids until Thursday afternoon. I will not initiate any contact until then.

 

Good man. Listen I screwed everything up and had to go through months of anger and bitterness. It got me nowhere..

 

We are not talking about no contact in your situation, I'm just saying let her do all the contacting. When she does, no need to be nasty, in fact be just as nice as normal.

 

As for going out and socialising etc you are doing this for yourself, to actually get a life back for you. I bet you'll lose a lot of anger that way. If your wife rings up and asks why are you going out, tell her she's welcome to come along.

 

Seriously I asked my wife on a date way back when she was in walk away mode, she refused, so I joined a meetup group, got invited to a house party a couple of weeks later. I asked her to come along, and she did and had a great time. If she'd have refused it would have been her loss.

[Steadfast]

I'll drop the needle on this broken record one more time jstobo. It is with full understanding that all decisions are yours, as are the consequences of them, but your new 'strategy' doesn't seem to acknowledge:

 

-If she wanted to be with you, she would be

 

-If she wanted to work on the marriage, she would be

 

...and

 

-If she wanted to live with you, she would be

 

If love and successful marriage was dependent on both people doing all the right things at all the right times, constantly correcting past mistakes and basically living it perfect, then no one would be married. Nobody can meet those standards, yet, you must. You must prove. You must show. You must act. You must give. You, you, you. What is she doing, besides sitting back in judgement -or fear- while wondering where you're coming from?

 

Don't think those that have followed your story are taking a hammer to your head without the experience of living through it. I hate that I've 'been there'. Know that more than anything, marriage -any relationship- consists of two people who want to be together. To think that is only possible when there are no problems, fears, issues or disappointments is unrealistic.

[ShatteredReality]

I was thinking, Jstobo...about what you said....you give affection and she doesn't turn it away....but is she RETURNING it? When you hug her...if she doesn't squeeze hard that's fine...but when you linger does she also? Or does she go slack like she's just waiting for the hug to be over?

 

I want you to be able to look into the mirror and say you've tried everything under the sun to save this - I know that's something that you need for yourself and it's important. I also don't want you to chase and chase and chase and expend so much energy that you burn yourself out. You've made strides since the beginning of all of this...and continue to do so.

 

So, I would say not contacting her during this trip unless it's to check on the kids is great. Don't ask about trying again or anything of the sort that gives pressure...and when you hug her - feel to see if she's truly hugging back. If she is...progress slowly from there. Dinner one night - not called a date...and if you two enjoy yourselves and she seems to open up to you you can move forward from there....

[jstobo]

I've read all of your posts today. I feel like a doormat. I need to accept reality. She doesn't make any effort what so ever. I've convinced myself that its because I need to change in order to avoid the fact my marriage is over. I'm very sad and depressed and chasing her is masking the real pain. I need to accept defeat and move on with my life. I noticed a new friend on her Facebook last night. I don't know who he is and he isn't friends with anyone I know and he is from our city. That doesn't look too good and could explain why she was quick to end our reconciliation a couple weeks ago and why she doesn't reach out to me at all. Throughout this separation I haven't had to deal with another man and now I may have to. I'm scared that the pain from that is going to be far more than any pain I have felt over the last 8 months. All I can afford is my check to her each month and my monthly expenses. I feel like a 40 year old loser with nothing to show from all my success in my 17 year career. The only thing I have are my two beautiful children. I've lost all self-respect. How do I get it back?

[ShatteredReality]

First off...stop that. You're not a loser. That's not going to lessen the pain - degrading yourself or concentrating on what you feel you've lost will do nothing for you. You've made great improvements. In all of this you were willing to look at your faults and make improvements upon them. You were willing to fight for your marriage. Not everyone would be able to claim the same thing. Many people would say it's all her fault and you did nothing wrong so move on - but you didn't do that. You truly attempted to fix things. On your end...you did everything that you could - that's what you wanted to be able to say right?

 

Remember just a week or so ago when you were seeing clearly her faults as well? She's not perfect. Though you want to be with her and you love her - she's got plenty of things to work on and fix too. If she's not willing to see those things, the eventuality would have been you putting in all of the work forever to keep the marriage alive. You cannot do that. And you're better than that - you should not have to do it.

 

If she's seeing another man it will hurt. But you're much better equipped now to handle it than you would have been a few months ago. Don't hurry to find out, either...just take it slow...catch your breath....start to concentrate on that inward peace again or whatever it was you held on to to get through the previous painful cycles....plus we're all here for you. I know it's not going to take it away to know that...but hopefully it helps to know you matter - even to complete strangers!!

[Surfer203]

jstobo: Look man.. you have nothing to feel bad about in terms of your efforts. You acted out of love and the desire to work things out with your wife, that is commendable and very difficult to do, I know I have done the same thing. There comes a point when if your wife is not giving you anything back then it is maybe time to move on. You can't be in limbo for ever, hoping for things to work out. Time to rebuild yourself and I can guarantee you are going to end up even stronger, even more of a good person when you get through this. Nothing will get to you, this is the most challenging kind of thing we deal with in relationships and you will have made it through. Please don't give up on yourself, take care of yourself.. you are not a loser by any means. Your wife has proven to be the loser in this situation. If you ever want to talk please let me know - I would be happy to give you a pep talk. Be well!

[jstobo]

sunny, rob, shattered, surfer and stead:

 

It's time to let go. I've tried for 8 months to do what I could and none of it worked. The end is here. I just have to accept it. It's ridiculous for me to think I am a loser. I spent 11 years trying to provide her the lifestyle her father gave and it has left me broke and in debt. Yet, I'm in the top 3% of wage earners. Pretty sad. I know 5 years from now I'll be out of debt with a great income. I lost 25 pounds through this ordeal, but I've put 8 pounds back on in the last month. I need to get back to running and taking care of myself. I have to stop wallowing in sorrow. I'm going to allow myself to be depressed tonight and tomorrow. After that I am going to pick myself up, dust myself off and take care of me. She's not coming back and I need to cry about it for a couple more days. After that, I'll be OK.