My Wife is No Longer in Love with Me

[Surfer203]

Yeah.. make this weekend about you. You have given it all you can - there comes a point where it is just unfair to yourself to live your life that way. You tried, now work on you.

[worldgonewrong]

a hug for ya, my pal, jstobo.

I understand the hurt.

[robf1971]

It's time to let go.

 

Excellent!! It's quite ironic that this is the one thing that has a chance of getting her back.

[Steadfast]

jstobo,

 

99% of the time that's the way it'll go. Rarely does the cycle of decision / announcement / separation occur consecutively without someone trying to save it. Shattered is right; you did exactly what you should have in trying to salvage your marriage...which is impossible if the other isn't willing.

 

Take the next 52 weekends for yourself and you kids if needed. Or more.

 

The other man? That's been a part of it since the beginning, hasn't it? Didn't your first post mention some old collage friend she was writing to? "I'm not in love you anymore" is rarely said without motive. My point is, you've already survived this. Don't make it more than it is. Your wife wants to be with someone else; that's at the bottom of this and always has been.

 

She isn't done with you yet. When she realizes you're backing out she'll react. You've went through the most painful part, but the hardest part is yet to come. You can do it. You need to firmly embrace what you want.

 

Hang in, more later-

[2sunny]

she's given you plenty of evidence that she will use you as long as you are offering. so stop offering.

 

let her take care of her - and you take care of you.

 

she's searching for a new man she can use for what she wants out of him - be grateful it's no longer you.

 

have a boundary and stick to it. make sure you are honoring yourself... no more being her doormat. it will make you feel horrible every time you appease her wants and desires - mainly because she isn't in it for your feelings, only hers. so stop trying to make a taker look like good balance... it won't ever work.

 

give her as little as possible - start giving all that to yourself instead... then you will feel better about who you are. you've given her so much of who you are... you've lost yourself completely. time to get moving on balance.

[jstobo]

I got a text a little while ago saying, "hope ur trip is going well. Kids say hi to." I responded nicely with some things. She responded with "great news." Shortly after that she asked my agenda for father's day. Probably not anything to take as a positive gesture, so I need to keep the same plan as yesterday's posts. I do feel a little better today. Not as depressed, but a lot of anxiety.

[Surfer203]

I wouldn't read in to it too much. Ride it out. You are doing well.

[2sunny]

I got a text a little while ago saying, "hope ur trip is going well. Kids say hi to." I responded nicely with some things. She responded with "great news." Shortly after that she asked my agenda for father's day. Probably not anything to take as a positive gesture, so I need to keep the same plan as yesterday's posts. I do feel a little better today. Not as depressed, but a lot of anxiety.

 

use her method of communicating - two words or less! notice she responded "great news"

 

so - your answers should be limited to:

 

yes

no

maybe

thank you

we'll see

 

 

answers such as those.

 

stop allowing her to know all of your life. and father's day... i'd respond specifically with "that's between me and the kids" = which it is. you need to stop allowing your boundary to be moved BY HER!

 

when she asks about YOUR PERSONAL TIME - tell her "it's personal" - which indicates it doesn't NEED to involve her in ANY way. unless SHE is your father, she doesn't need to know what your plan is for father's day. she's probably trying to figure out if she can work in some dating time for that day. do not take her attempts at contact to mean anything other than she wants to know when she will have free time.

 

she's selfish and self serving... expecting that she's thinking of you seems ridiculous at this point. IF she was going to do it that way - she would have done it a long time ago... she's fishing for free time to date.

[ShatteredReality]

I used to wonder about the "lessons" I was supposed to have learned or be learning during the most trying times of our marriage...and as we began to reconcile I looked back at the past 8yrs and everything we had been through together or done to each other. I told myself one of the things I needed to remember was that leaving him and eventually finding someone new would not solve my problems - I'd still have those. And then, to top that off, I would have to adjust to handling a new persons problems. I felt I had already put in enough time and energy into this mans issues that moving on to another man would do me no good at all. He could neglect me...or be missing some of the fundamental things I need in a SO...I chose to hold on to this line of thinking in the darkest of our marital moments - because the alternate lesson was "when to let go". When I decided to leave I had decided originally that the "when to let go" lesson was what I was supposed to be learning...so when I changed my thinking it made staying and reconciling easier. Jstobo - I am not great at knowing when to let go. If that was supposed to be my lesson back then - I failed it miserably. Now...I am so very fortunate in that it's worked out in my case. I have watched so many around me where it has not. And...at the time, I told a friend of mine (who knew our history together and about my A) that we were reconciling - giving it 'one last shot' and the response I was met with was horribly negative. "Give it a couple years...maybe two..maybe three...you'll be completely settled...back to the 'good ole days' where you are head over heels for him and would walk through fire for him. Call me then...tell me if he doesn't begin to slowly revert back to his true self...he can't keep that animal caged forever...and if you don't leave now it will hurt twice as much then". (I don't recall word for word, but that's the gist) I'm working on proving my now ex friend wrong - but if by some terrible turn of events there is truth in that awful foretelling of negative events - you can bet I'll be asking your advice on how to know it's time to let go. Sometimes, when you're too close to it...everyone around you can see it but you - when you can finally see it too - you can heal properly.

 

What I am saying here is - mourn what you've lost....be proud you recognize when it's time to go...know that the next man she dates - she will still carry all of her issues into that relationship...and that huge chip on her shoulder won't be going away anytime soon. You've had your time of being self sacrificing, strong, and determined...now take the latter two and use them on you again....

 

Proud of you Jstobo - if you take care of yourself properly the next relationship you find yourself in (when you're finally ready for it) will reward all of your hard work.

[ShatteredReality]

I got a text a little while ago saying, "hope ur trip is going well. Kids say hi to." I responded nicely with some things. She responded with "great news." Shortly after that she asked my agenda for father's day. Probably not anything to take as a positive gesture, so I need to keep the same plan as yesterday's posts. I do feel a little better today. Not as depressed, but a lot of anxiety.

 

Remember to breathe. No matter which direction you go it's going to be difficult - and there will be a million reasons why you second guess yourself and want to go the other way - but ultimately you have to take back control of your emotions. Not that I am a master of this by any means - but at some point you have to come to a point where hearing from her doesn't impact your day to such a degree. I know it comes with time - but keep it in mind...she texted you and now that moment is over...the conversation is done...the rest of your day is not dependent on that text exchange. Each interaction you have with her...dedicate X amt of time to how long you will let it affect your day...then after that make a concerted effort to go on as if you hadn't heard from her at all. In therapy - some of the things you discuss there are for that spot...you don't have to continue to think about them for the entire week leading up to the next session...and if you don't it's ok because you can pick up where you left off at the next session. Think of it kind of like that...you had a conversation with her...now dwelling on her intentions behind it and what she's thinking won't do you any good...so you move forward with your day as if it's any other and worry about her intentions when it comes up again.

[jstobo]

use her method of communicating - two words or less! notice she responded "great news"

 

so - your answers should be limited to:

 

yes

no

maybe

thank you

we'll see

 

 

answers such as those.

 

stop allowing her to know all of your life. and father's day... i'd respond specifically with "that's between me and the kids" = which it is. you need to stop allowing your boundary to be moved BY HER!

 

when she asks about YOUR PERSONAL TIME - tell her "it's personal" - which indicates it doesn't NEED to involve her in ANY way. unless SHE is your father, she doesn't need to know what your plan is for father's day. she's probably trying to figure out if she can work in some dating time for that day. do not take her attempts at contact to mean anything other than she wants to know when she will have free time.

 

she's selfish and self serving... expecting that she's thinking of you seems ridiculous at this point. IF she was going to do it that way - she would have done it a long time ago... she's fishing for free time to date.

 

Her response was "that's great and good news" but I still get your point. This isn't my weekend with the kids, hence the question about Father's Day. I just told her I would get them at 9 and drop them back off at 8. She responded with "OK, I'll have them ready at 9 and expect them back at 8. That works fine." That has been our last communication today. I'll refrain from contacting her until I get the kids tomorrow.

 

As far as the dating thing; it very well could be. But we don't live together, so she has 2 - 5 days a week of free time. If dating is happening, she has way more opportunity then Sunday to get that done.

[jstobo]

Remember to breathe. No matter which direction you go it's going to be difficult - and there will be a million reasons why you second guess yourself and want to go the other way - but ultimately you have to take back control of your emotions. Not that I am a master of this by any means - but at some point you have to come to a point where hearing from her doesn't impact your day to such a degree. I know it comes with time - but keep it in mind...she texted you and now that moment is over...the conversation is done...the rest of your day is not dependent on that text exchange. Each interaction you have with her...dedicate X amt of time to how long you will let it affect your day...then after that make a concerted effort to go on as if you hadn't heard from her at all. In therapy - some of the things you discuss there are for that spot...you don't have to continue to think about them for the entire week leading up to the next session...and if you don't it's ok because you can pick up where you left off at the next session. Think of it kind of like that...you had a conversation with her...now dwelling on her intentions behind it and what she's thinking won't do you any good...so you move forward with your day as if it's any other and worry about her intentions when it comes up again.

 

You're right, I spend way too much time thinking about and analyzing the things she does. I wait and wait for a sign from her and when I get it, I analyze every which way but Sunday. Regarding your other post; I too have a hard time knowing when to let go. I've been in love with 3 people in my life and all 3 have ended the relationship. You'd think I would know how to handle it the third time. But each time seems to actually get harder. I wish she was more obvious like other WS stories. She has uttered the words our marriage is over once over this 8 month period and she changed her mind after that. She's has not told a soul that she has dated anyone, in fact she's told her closest friends and sister, she has no interest in dating. Couple that with her being sweet and nice when I'm sweet and nice, it has been very hard to let go. But I'm paying attention to unsolicited actions now and that's why I know it's time to give up. The worst case scenario is I wake up each day a little better moving on and ultimately think of her as the mother of my children. I can't think that way yet since I haven't let go until now. This is my last day to wallow about this. Tomorrow, my focus and energy will be on me getting better.

[jstobo]

Hmmm....she just texted me again about our daughter that she did not need to send and ended it with a wink. I'll try not to analyze it. She must be in a good mood today. Probably because I'm 1500 miles away. LOL

[2sunny]

don't respond.

 

you don't need to hand her your power by responding unless it's an emergency... as in - a family member's life is at risk.

 

get busy living a separate life than her - that means focusing your time and attention on many things other than when and why she may or may not text you.

 

she will go thru attention seeking methods when you don't respond as much. this is normal and designed to feed HER ego. don't hand her that much power.

 

relax- waiting and doing nothing should be your friend right now.

[jstobo]

My daughter had a play today. I walked her back to her house and we had a conversation. She said she was happy the way things are right now. In other words, happy with us apart. I asked if she was seeing someone and she said, she wasn't alone. I asked if it was one person and she said it wasn't anything serious. Yeah whatever.

 

So the real test starts now. I'm sad and a little depressed knowing this fact, but I'm not as bad as I feared I would be. I'm not crying or anything. I just left her saying, thank you for being honest with me. No begging or pleading. I admit, I couldn't act upbeat about it, but I didn't show any negative emotion.

 

Now I will truly go NC. Today is day 1. I've already been dealing with stuff for 8 months, so it isn't like I'm at square 1. But NC will definitely be about me, not the hopes of getting her back. I'm keeping my emotions in check and I'm moving forward. I said in my last post that Wednesday was my last day to wallow and I'm sticking to that. Onward and upward!!!

[Steadfast]

I can't help with the recon stuff, but this I've lived through. Am living through. Will live through. Get it? It's never really, truly over, but it does become manageable inside of your own head and heart. In the end, you'll realize that's all you can do. Really, it's enough work inside of your own head and a complete waste of time trying to figure out what's in hers.

 

Just remember: she's already been with others. Involved, in whatever extent with other men while married to you; her husband...the father of her children. Damn, she still is! Don't you realize the men she's with know this jstobo? Even serial-cheating pieces of crap don't want to get 'involved' with a cheater...no one wants to get hurt and no one can trust a cheater. Not even (or, especially) other cheaters. They know. And know this too; even if they're physically involved, deep down inside they have a certain amount of respect or even a begrudged admiration for you...the person who was strong enough to let her go because you didn't want to live it.

 

I have lived this friend. I have been told this very thing by men who were involved with my ex. I was even told all she ever talked about was...me!

 

Bottom line, you're better off. Even down, hurting and wishing it wasn't so. The whole story and the truth is stranger than fiction. Be strong. Do not get sucked back into it when she starts to waver. She will. Know this.

 

Love yourself and love your kids. You'll come out the other side. You'll see.

[jstobo]

So I scheduled our next meeting with our attorney. I'm following all of your advice to the letter now. No more messing around.

 

I just got a text from her asking if I would be at the swim meet tomorrow because she has a therapy session. She ended the text with "I would hate for the kids to have to miss." So I'm supposed to feel guilty because she didn't plan properly. I'm not responding. She'll figure it out. I was planning on being there, of course, because its my kids. Should I respond and say yes or just let her deal with it?

[2sunny]

So I scheduled our next meeting with our attorney. I'm following all of your advice to the letter now. No more messing around.

 

I just got a text from her asking if I would be at the swim meet tomorrow because she has a therapy session. She ended the text with "I would hate for the kids to have to miss." So I'm supposed to feel guilty because she didn't plan properly. I'm not responding. She'll figure it out. I was planning on being there, of course, because its my kids. Should I respond and say yes or just let her deal with it?

 

if it's her time with the kids - she needs to solve these issues/conflicts. for all you know - she's got a date and wants you to take them.

 

she strings you along with crumbs... yet continues to date whoever she wants, when she wants.

 

when she has the kids... let her solve her conflicts.

 

she can carpool... ask friends to pitch in... she may as well learn now - that YOU aren't on this earth to solve all her issues.

 

IF the kids miss- that's HER fault... and that's what i'd respond with - IF you respond. she has choices... expect her choices to always be in HER best interest... not your kids. the kids will get an idea of how she operates... which is not dependable. let her have the consequences of the choices she makes.

 

stop rescuing her... she's only considering her interest.

[jstobo]

Yesterday I tell her we need to schedule out next mediation meeting to get the ball rolling again. If you read my earlier post, you'll know she asked me to go to the swim meet so she could go to therapy. I show up at the meet and I never acknowledged her presence. I went around talking with friends. She tracked me down to say goodbye. I gave a quick "c ya" and kept talking with friends. I get a text from her asking if I wanted a Starbucks. Then she texts asking when the kids swim again. Then I get a text saying don't respond because she isn't stopping. As soon as I saw her show up at the pool, I kissed the kids goodbye and left. Didn't say a word to her. Don't worry. I'm not falling for her antics. She's trying to be nice because she knows she can't survive financially if I play hard ball. I texted her this morning asking for a years worth of her bank statements to determine an accurate number for her income. I was low balling before to be a good guy. No more good guy.

[ShatteredReality]

Yesterday I tell her we need to schedule out next mediation meeting to get the ball rolling again. If you read my earlier post, you'll know she asked me to go to the swim meet so she could go to therapy. I show up at the meet and I never acknowledged her presence. I went around talking with friends. She tracked me down to say goodbye. I gave a quick "c ya" and kept talking with friends. I get a text from her asking if I wanted a Starbucks. Then she texts asking when the kids swim again. Then I get a text saying don't respond because she isn't stopping. As soon as I saw her show up at the pool, I kissed the kids goodbye and left. Didn't say a word to her. Don't worry. I'm not falling for her antics. She's trying to be nice because she knows she can't survive financially if I play hard ball. I texted her this morning asking for a years worth of her bank statements to determine an accurate number for her income. I was low balling before to be a good guy. No more good guy.

 

Be amicable and fair - don't be vengeful. No matter what - she's still the mother of your children and you will have to be a part of her life for years to come in some fashion or another. You have every right to be angry and to be hurt...but how you handle this now will determine the interaction between you both for years. I think accurate numbers is fair, but make sure you aren't saying it with all the pain and anger boiling inside of you and spilling out...basically at this point you need to do what you can to impact the children less - if you hate eachother they will suffer for it...if you can find a way to tolerate one another, be fair and civil - it's the biggest favor you can give to them.

 

My parents divorced when I was 9 and my mother did her best to be kind to my father whenever possible. He was an adulterous, abusive alcoholic. He had done nothing to earn this respect from her - she did it for my sister and I. She never spoke ill of him in front of us, she never "poked the bear" so to speak...all court dealings were fair and reasonable from her end. I have always held her in the highest regard for this behavior. My father, on the other hand, was awful. He stalked her, threatened any man who dared to date her, bugged our apartment and vehicle, said awful things about her to me and asked me probing and personal questions about her and her life without him, accused her of drug abuse - told me to search the house for flat mirrors and small straws...you name it. I lost a great amount of respect for him for this...and for three years I didn't even speak to him once I was old enough to make that decision for myself.

 

Whatever you do now - put your personal feelings aside and do what is in the best interest of your children.

Edited June 19, 2011 by ShatteredReality

[jstobo]

Be amicable and fair - don't be vengeful. No matter what - she's still the mother of your children and you will have to be a part of her life for years to come in some fashion or another. You have every right to be angry and to be hurt...but how you handle this now will determine the interaction between you both for years. I think accurate numbers is fair, but make sure you aren't saying it with all the pain and anger boiling inside of you and spilling out...basically at this point you need to do what you can to impact the children less - if you hate eachother they will suffer for it...if you can find a way to tolerate one another, be fair and civil - it's the biggest favor you can give to them.

 

My parents divorced when I was 9 and my mother did her best to be kind to my father whenever possible. He was an adulterous, abusive alcoholic. He had done nothing to earn this respect from her - she did it for my sister and I. She never spoke ill of him in front of us, she never "poked the bear" so to speak...all court dealings were fair and reasonable from her end. I have always held her in the highest regard for this behavior. My father, on the other hand, was awful. He stalked her, threatened any man who dared to date her, bugged our apartment and vehicle, said awful things about her to me and asked me probing and personal questions about her and her life without him, accused her of drug abuse - told me to search the house for flat mirrors and small straws...you name it. I lost a great amount of respect for him for this...and for three years I didn't even speak to him once I was old enough to make that decision for myself.

 

Whatever you do now - put your personal feelings aside and do what is in the best interest of your children.

 

I do hear you and I have been very careful about things around my kids. I am very complimentary of my STBX when I speak about her to the kids. I got the kids this morning and managed to avoid seeing the ex at all in the exchange. She texted me a nice Happy Fathers Day text. I waited about 8 hours to respond with a simple "thx". I dropped them off and again managed to avoid seeing her. She texted me "the kids seemed to of had fun today but remember to put sunscreen on next time". I immediately asked her when I would be able to review her bank statements before our next mediation meeting. I texted her yesterday that I wanted a chance to review them. She didn't respond to the text. I waited about an hour and a half and texted her that our attorney said the only way mediation works is if both parties are open and honest. If she is unable to be that to let me know, because we can't mediate. I'm not trying to mean, but I'm no longer going to be nice. I was being generous before and now I'm going to be fair. I guess I got pushed over the edge. I currently have no desire to reconcile.

[fltc]

I currently have no desire to reconcile.

 

This is the best news I've heard from you so far.... Stick to that and you'll be OK.

 

Here's a new project for you and I do believe it's possible, see if you two can establish communications based on the children and their needs, see if you can become a friend to her (NOT a FWB!), she probably needs that.

 

In many ways what I'm suggesting isn't much different from your current situation.

Edited June 20, 2011 by fltc

[Steadfast]

...see if you two can establish communications based on the children and their needs, see if you can become a friend to her (NOT a FWB!), she probably needs that.

 

Agree with the first part, no so much with the second.

 

I think the best position is to be a father, and co-exist with her as their mother. I'm not sure what anyone else's definition of 'friendship' is, but it isn't possible with my ex. Is toleration-ship a word? I tolerate it. I have to.

 

From here on out, you make decisions for you. When it interferes with her schedule, plans or any other part of life, she lay the guilt on you. Friends don't do that-

[jstobo]

Agree with the first part, no so much with the second.

 

I think the best position is to be a father, and co-exist with her as their mother. I'm not sure what anyone else's definition of 'friendship' is, but it isn't possible with my ex. Is toleration-ship a word? I tolerate it. I have to.

 

From here on out, you make decisions for you. When it interferes with her schedule, plans or any other part of life, she lay the guilt on you. Friends don't do that-

 

Time really does heal things. We have been in separate homes now for about 3 1/2 months. I am finally starting to enjoy my life. I'm not dancing around just yet, but I feel things getting better. My stbx was pretty upset with me yesterday, because I was trying to get a real sense of her business income. She told me she felt I was trying to take her down. She didn't want things to be nasty between us. I have to admit, she has never been nasty to me. I think it was a reason this got dragged out so long. She was always nice and respectful. I told her I wasn't trying to take her down. I explained that she is no longer my W and cannot continue to be a home maker. She is an artist, so she teaches grade school kids, but it is truly part time. I told her it wasn't fair to think I should support her lifestyle from this point on. I felt it was fair that she went and got a full time job to support herself the best way she can. I need to be able to support myself and the kids since I have them half the time. I'm not trying to avoid spousal and child support, but I felt I was being way too generous on what I've been giving her the past several months. I just want true and accurate numbers to determine what I pay.

 

I befriended a woman a couple months ago who owns a restaurant. We're just friends. She has a boyfriend. I just want to be clear to everyone, so you don't jump on me for dating. I take my kids to her restaurant every other Thursday night. This past Thursday, my son lost his second tooth while we were there. My son wanted to show my friend he lost his tooth. When my STBX and I were having our conversation, she was telling me how difficult things have been for her. She has been upset because she doesn't feel like she gets to have fun with the kids. She sees my life as fun. I'm established in my career, so I have a good handle on it. I get off at 4 each day. Whenever I have the kids, we do a lot of different things and they really enjoy being with me. She made a comment that it upset her that my friend at the restaurant (she used her name even) got to be with my son when he lost his tooth. I've never mentioned my friend to my stbx. Obviously my son told her about it. That stung her a little bit.

 

Back to the friend thing. I think I'm getting closer to being able to be her friend, because I'm starting to get some things that I want and I'm starting to feel better about being apart from her. Since I know she is seeing someone, that doesn't seem to be bothering me as much as I feared as well. I'm over the hump. It just starts getting easier from here.

[jstobo]

I've been making a lot of new friends over the past several months. Some of them female. The restaurant owner friend I mentioned was someone I had a date with WAY before I was ready to date. This was about 4 months ago. Since I wasn't ready, I took too long to ask her out again and she moved on. For some reason, we stayed in contact through texting. About 3 months ago she started a relationship with someone. It didn't phase me back then because I was still dealing with all my marital crap. Over the last 3 months, I have been taking my kids to her restaurant every other week. The last couple of times I was starting to get the warm and fuzzies. Still wasn't an overwhelming feeling though. Last Thursday my son lost his tooth at her restaurant. My STBX got a little jealous about it and said she knew I was seeing this woman.

 

I texted my friend about it. We ended up texting throughout the entire day. Our texts were at a much deeper level. She told me things she thought about me and assumed. I corrected her on some things and she would reply, "you just became way more appealing." She assumed I cheated in my marriage and some other things. Throughout our conversation, she was realizing more and more how much we have in common. She wrote things like you are a catch, you're a good one, and if I wasn't dating BF I would definitely date you (she wrote that last part in reference to one of her waitresses asking about me).

 

She ended our all day texting with we need to grab some tumblers and take a walk at dusk. I replied with, oh yeah great, what are you trying to torture me? She said no, she liked me and she likes our conversations. I said, you know I like you right? Her last text was, yes I know but I'm gonna turn you into a good friend so we can workout, talk and grab breakfast.

 

I now realize I feel very different for this woman. I kind of thought it was happening, but I didn't realize how much until yesterday. She is always positive about her new boyfriend of 3 months, but she clearly wants to spend time with me.

 

Ladies: What is she telling me and what do I do? I have dated enough women over the past three months to recognize this is different and quite possibly real!!