My Wife is No Longer in Love with Me

[2sunny]

she's showing clear signs of a cheater.

 

she states clearly she has a BF - but she's willing to text you all day long? how is that remotely kind to her BF? stop participating and flirting with a gal that is SUPPOSED to be with someone else. at best, she's the cake eater... and YOU are spending time and energy in a place (with her) where she will use you to feed her ego and hurt you and this other guy to feed her ego. it's not nice to cause harm that way... so stop participating with her. IF you go to the restaurant - be a kind and polite patron... but stop crossing the boundary which should be clear. you have now muddied the water by being inappropriate with a gal that is committed to someone... step away! she HAS a boyfriend and YOU are still married.

[jstobo]

she's showing clear signs of a cheater.

 

she states clearly she has a BF - but she's willing to text you all day long? how is that remotely kind to her BF? stop participating and flirting with a gal that is SUPPOSED to be with someone else. at best, she's the cake eater... and YOU are spending time and energy in a place (with her) where she will use you to feed her ego and hurt you and this other guy to feed her ego. it's not nice to cause harm that way... so stop participating with her. IF you go to the restaurant - be a kind and polite patron... but stop crossing the boundary which should be clear. you have now muddied the water by being inappropriate with a gal that is committed to someone... step away! she HAS a boyfriend and YOU are still married.

 

All of those are VERY good points. I'm more excited about the fact I can actually have feelings like this for another woman. But you have added a perfectly rational argument. Thank you for the advice.

[2sunny]

All of those are VERY good points. I'm more excited about the fact I can actually have feelings like this for another woman. But you have added a perfectly rational argument. Thank you for the advice.

 

your energy is focused in the wrong area... focus on healing yourself. respect a relationship - stay out of contact with her. how would you feel if you were her BF - and you find out she's been in contact with some (still) married dude... and she's feeding his ego by flirting and complimenting him on how great he is? she's not the great gal you think she is.

[Steadfast]

your energy is focused in the wrong area... focus on healing yourself. respect a relationship - stay out of contact with her. how would you feel if you were her BF - and you find out she's been in contact with some (still) married dude... and she's feeding his ego by flirting and complimenting him on how great he is? she's not the great gal you think she is.

 

Great, sound advice here. Words of wisdom and worth listening to-

[jstobo]

your energy is focused in the wrong area... focus on healing yourself. respect a relationship - stay out of contact with her. how would you feel if you were her BF - and you find out she's been in contact with some (still) married dude... and she's feeding his ego by flirting and complimenting him on how great he is? she's not the great gal you think she is.

 

I do hear you loud and clear. I am just super excited a woman gave me those feelings again. It has helped take my STBX off that pedestal.

[Steadfast]

I do hear you loud and clear. I am just super excited a woman gave me those feelings again. It has helped take my STBX off that pedestal.

 

I believe you. And for what it is worth I'm happy for you too. My rebound was 'bound' to fail, yet I will never forget what that wonderful, loving woman did for me. She cared when my ex didn't. Loved me when my ex wouldn't and made me feel like a man again. Her desire rescued my spirit.

 

These kinds of things do help...they are a part of the healing and moving on process. What you're being cautioned about (at least from my perspective) is understanding it's a long ride. A formidable journey. The reason? Because the road to recovery is beset with pitfalls; rushing into another relationship being the most common. You didn't just fall into the life you had and you won't just fall out of it either. Like losing weight.

 

Well, except the divorce diet! That's pretty magical. I hope to never take part in it again.

 

Focus on finances, living independently of your ex as a parent, your health and well being, and making yourself into a person you can be proud of.

 

I'm proud of you. Keep up the good work-

[jamees]

honestly do not know what to say but yes very bad from this situation and did not have what to do ..

[2sunny]

I do hear you loud and clear. I am just super excited a woman gave me those feelings again. It has helped take my STBX off that pedestal.

 

you may not recognize that you are mixing up two different women and convoluting it with the same emotion and intention = which is designed to feed your ego.

 

this new gal (who is spoken for but inappropriately flirting with you) has NOTHING to do with YOU having your wife on that pedestal or not - YET you have made it one in the same.

 

what is with that?

 

bottom line is - i think YOU have lost track of yourself... YOU need to do work to get to a healthy place all on your own - without thinking that YOU need a woman to validate you as a man.

[jstobo]

you may not recognize that you are mixing up two different women and convoluting it with the same emotion and intention = which is designed to feed your ego.

 

this new gal (who is spoken for but inappropriately flirting with you) has NOTHING to do with YOU having your wife on that pedestal or not - YET you have made it one in the same.

 

what is with that?

 

bottom line is - i think YOU have lost track of yourself... YOU need to do work to get to a healthy place all on your own - without thinking that YOU need a woman to validate you as a man.

 

Hey 2sunny: I agree with you. I don't know how to be more clear. I haven't contacted the other woman. You were right. It wasn't appropriate. The pedestal comment wasn't about putting the other woman up on one. It was simply helping me realize that my STBX is not going to be the last woman in my life that gives me the warm and fuzzies. I think its another step in my healing. I have a lot less fear this week. I have a lot more joy each day. This has been a good thing.

[Steadfast]

bottom line is - i think YOU have lost track of yourself... YOU need to do work to get to a healthy place all on your own - without thinking that YOU need a woman to validate you as a man.

 

Of course you're right, but to me it seems jstobo's head is on pretty straight. After all, everyone is encouraged to post and he's opening up with feelings, fears and updates. The path of healing is a zig-zag...he'll be ok.

 

jstobo, unless you've dug up some old threads you missed reading about the pain and heartache that I experienced by dating too soon. More than anything, I hurt a really wonderful, caring woman...I rewarded her care with my wishy-washy crap and was eventually forced to acknowledge I used her. And her kids. It slowed my healing. Not my proudest moment.

 

I know you know. Hang in...eat, rest and take 'em one at a time-

[BetterDays]

Hey 2sunny: I agree with you. I don't know how to be more clear. I haven't contacted the other woman. You were right. It wasn't appropriate. The pedestal comment wasn't about putting the other woman up on one. It was simply helping me realize that my STBX is not going to be the last woman in my life that gives me the warm and fuzzies. I think its another step in my healing. I have a lot less fear this week. I have a lot more joy each day. This has been a good thing.

 

It's difficult to not jump right in and find a replacement... at least temporarily. After being with someone for so long you miss the companionship. Sounds like you know what's up though.

[ShatteredReality]

I'm with Steadfast and 2Sunny and all the others - take your time. Enjoy the ego boost, but ultimately, if she's in a relationship you need to walk away. Remember how hurt you were when your wife first told you about her EA? This other woman is engaging in one or very close to engaging in one with you. I am glad you've been able to spark these feelings for another woman also, given the pain of the last few months. I'm still proud of you (as are others here) and we're all still rooting for the happiest of the possible outcomes for you. I am not going to go on repeating all the same advice, just wanted to toss a word in saying a) I agree, b) been busy but still very interested in your situation (for what it's worth) and c) so glad you're on a an upswing these days!!

[jstobo]

I definitely feel the marriage is over and now I'm just taking the steps to get it official. We met with our mediator last week. My stbx had to go to the doctor before the meeting. She has been getting sore throats and now head aches. Doctor said her blood pressure is too high. The doctor kept her waiting for an hour and she ended up being 15 minutes late to the meeting. My stbx does not do well in situations like that. She was late to our first meeting because she didn't know our attorney moved her office to another building. She came in crying at that meeting. Our attorney know she would come in crying again and decided to let my stbx have some time to recover. She showed up and of course she immediately started crying her eyes out. She started saying how her life sucks. She is sick all the time. I just told her to relax and breathe. Our mediator was going to give her time. Of course, I comforted her. I don't hate her. She got herself together and we mediated for about two hours. I won some battles and she won some. All in all it was a good meeting and we are closer to having the final paperwork. That was last Thursday and our communication has been very little. I have completely stopped pursuing her or reaching out to her in any way. I think we are at a working relationship. I wouldn't say friends, because I don't communicate with her unless its about the children. But our interactions this past week when dropping the kids off have been friendly, but at a different level than the last nine months.

 

I am truly happy. I see such a bright future now without her. She was sucking all my energy by not being a loving and caring Wife. I have now realized life is much more fun not having anybody versus having someone who really doesn't act like they love you. The times with my kids have been so much more amazing, because I no longer have to worry about her having a good time. I don't have anxiety or depression. Does it sting to think about her being with another man? Yes it still stings, but its more like a bee sting versus a six inch blade. Soon it will be a mosquito bite followed by a nat. I am so looking forward to the weekend!!!!

[ShatteredReality]

I definitely feel the marriage is over and now I'm just taking the steps to get it official. We met with our mediator last week. My stbx had to go to the doctor before the meeting. She has been getting sore throats and now head aches. Doctor said her blood pressure is too high. The doctor kept her waiting for an hour and she ended up being 15 minutes late to the meeting. My stbx does not do well in situations like that. She was late to our first meeting because she didn't know our attorney moved her office to another building. She came in crying at that meeting. Our attorney know she would come in crying again and decided to let my stbx have some time to recover. She showed up and of course she immediately started crying her eyes out. She started saying how her life sucks. She is sick all the time. I just told her to relax and breathe. Our mediator was going to give her time. Of course, I comforted her. I don't hate her. She got herself together and we mediated for about two hours. I won some battles and she won some. All in all it was a good meeting and we are closer to having the final paperwork. That was last Thursday and our communication has been very little. I have completely stopped pursuing her or reaching out to her in any way. I think we are at a working relationship. I wouldn't say friends, because I don't communicate with her unless its about the children. But our interactions this past week when dropping the kids off have been friendly, but at a different level than the last nine months.

 

I am truly happy. I see such a bright future now without her. She was sucking all my energy by not being a loving and caring Wife. I have now realized life is much more fun not having anybody versus having someone who really doesn't act like they love you. The times with my kids have been so much more amazing, because I no longer have to worry about her having a good time. I don't have anxiety or depression. Does it sting to think about her being with another man? Yes it still stings, but its more like a bee sting versus a six inch blade. Soon it will be a mosquito bite followed by a nat. I am so looking forward to the weekend!!!!

 

Glad to hear! Hope you have had a great weekend thus far and gained today off as well!

[jstobo]

4th of July was completely ruined for me. I have no excuse, it was self imposed. I was on Facebook and saw all these pictures from the kids in the neighborhood during the bike parade. Of course, it had a negative impact on me knowing I wasn't there enjoying that with my kids. We're alternating holidays and I didn't get to see my kids. I knew my STBX was going to take them to the club for Fireworks where we have taken them every year since the day they were born. It just made me ticked the entire day. So much so, I chose not to go to a block party I was invited to. It was in our old neighborhood and I just felt too much emotion to hang out there.

 

I basically spent last night and this morning ticked that my STBX chose to leave the marriage and isn't having to change a darn thing. She got the neighborhood, friends, country club, traditions etc. etc. I know I have been pissed about this in a previous post, but I'm pissed again. I can barely support myself after paying her each month and I make damn good money. This is BS. She is so concerned with being able to take care of the kids in her expensive neighborhood, but has NO concern with leaving with the inability to take care of them when they are with me.

 

The courts should automatically apply a discount to spousal support when the Wife is the one leaving. I don't get that at all. She chooses to leave and yet she gets half my income. Crazy!!

[ShatteredReality]

I'm sorry That is so difficult!

 

I thought mediation went well...?

[jstobo]

I can't believe it's been 3 weeks since my last post. I needed to get away from it because it was contributing to my sadness. My last post was about July 4th and my anger towards losing another tradition. Needless to say, I have had a rough 3 weeks. I'm ashamed to say I even asked my STBX for another chance. She nicely declined. I'm lucky that she still is not nasty in any way. I will assume she is dating, but has not mentioned one word of it to me or the kids. I have tremendous respect for her for that. All other things, I have very little respect for. I am definitely in an anger and bitter stage. I don't know if it's a better stage than the others. The emotions are raw for sure. I have slept with one woman and it did nothing for me. Maybe made me feel worse. I know I'm moving along the healing process, albeit slowly. A lot more things are in order. I'm developing routines and getting comfortable in my living space. The kids are still doing really well and seem to enjoy being with me. I'm happy about that.

 

I haven't developed any new hobbies yet, but I feel mentally closer to wanting to. There is still a lot more healing to be had, but I have made some progress.

[teerockness]

Jstobo-

 

I've followed your thread from the start and its good to hear your update, although obviously I and others wish you were doing better.

 

My advice that I'm sure you've heard before:

 

* Stay away from alcohol or other depressants

* Hit the gym - hard. Get yourself so tired you can barely think.

* Pick up some really good books - the kind you get sucked into such that you can barely focus on anything else.

* Take a 1-2 day road-trip; I usually find that driving + thinking gets me into a mode where I can work things out in my head.

* Eat good meals; I know money is probably tight but make sure you're eating.

 

Good luck, stay strong.

 

TR

[Surfer203]

I was wondering why we have not heard from you in a while man. Stay strong, you will get through this. There will always be rough times and set backs but ultimately you were making some good progress. Realize this and keep going forward! Good suggestions above.

[marqueemoon4]

The emotions are raw for sure. I have slept with one woman and it did nothing for me. Maybe made me feel worse. I

 

yea.. I did too and it was pretty forgettable. it filled some needs, thats about it. its only the 3rd woman I've been with since 02.

[ShatteredReality]

I think Steadfast gave you some valuable advice on moving forward - I know the road was quite difficult for him also.

 

One thing, Jstobo - you've had so much personal growth during all of this...I mean, you saw things to work on with yourself and you worked on them...you self analyzed and self corrected...the fail was when she didn't do the same. One thing you can know for certain is that if she gets herself into another serious relationship...many of the same problems that made her discontented in this one will rear their ugly heads. At some point, when the same problems crop up no matter what relationship you're in, one has to reflect and ask if the problem might not originate with them rather than the other person. That can be a difficult thing to realize and I think a lot of people avoid admitting these things to themselves.

 

I know you're sad...mourning is appropriate...we all hoped for a better outcome - but in the end I think you're going to do really well still...

 

And the sleeping with the other woman thing - well you had to try that right? But now you know that's not the answer....so rather than dwell on it...just know that it was one avenue to try and it's not the one you'll need to take just yet ultimately.

 

TR had some good suggestions too. Day trips...even day trips with the kids. My kids are with my parents right now - they vacation with them for a little during each summer (it's their third visit). They have traditions out there with them - things that we don't do...now you get to build new traditions with your kids...and it'll be extra special because it'll be something they do Just with Dad....I cannot tell you how valuable some of my old traditions were with just one parent...it helped ease the pain of the divorce also...little things...Saturday Steamers at Startbucks (or if you own your own machine make them steamers and serve that to them before bed or something)...doesn't have to be expensive or anything...but consistent.

[Steadfast]

I have had a rough 3 weeks. I'm ashamed to say I even asked my STBX for another chance. She nicely declined. I'm lucky that she still is not nasty in any way. I will assume she is dating, but has not mentioned one word of it to me or the kids. I have tremendous respect for her for that. All other things, I have very little respect for. I am definitely in an anger and bitter stage. I don't know if it's a better stage than the others. The emotions are raw for sure.

 

Don't ashamed jstobo. Be thankful she didn't say yes.

 

The process of healing and moving on is like losing weight. You didn't gain the extra pounds overnight, so it's unrealistic to expect you'll lose it that fast. Well, except for the divorce diet...

 

Like a proper diet of rejecting bad food for the right amount of good, you must fill your mind and heart with positive thoughts. Rejection, for example, can be used to our advantage if we put some thought into the big picture. Someday, you may look back and realize this was one of the best things that ever happened to you. That doesn't excuse her actions nor does it justify them, but you can come out ahead if you practice the love, compassion and forgiveness necessary to heal. Humility is sexy jstobo. So is confidence.

 

Being intimate with someone when you love someone else is hard enough, but mix in the emotions of rejection, affection withdrawal, depression and grieving and it's no wonder the temporary pleasure is followed with even more confusion. No you know. Don't feel bad when you give the same advice and it's ignored. Like SR said; live and learn.

 

Keep striving for happiness, even if you don't always feel that way.

Edited July 28, 2011 by Steadfast

[jstobo]

Thank you for all your encouragement. I don't drink alot, so that is a good thing. I do need to hit the gym more. I am in good shape and eat pretty healthy, but I really have no excuse to not be in great shape. I have really wanted to take a road trip. I've been trying to figure out where to go. I'm in So Cal, so i thought maybe Napa to do some wine tastings. Ha! Kind of funny since I started this post by saying I don't drink much. But it's something I've always wanted to do. Any other suggestions? I thought about a 4 day Cabo trip. It would be nice to have something to look forward to.

 

I do feel better today. I think I have worked through some of the anger and bitterness and don't feel it as much. I hope this positive feeling can continue.

[change]

Thank you for all your encouragement. I don't drink alot, so that is a good thing. I do need to hit the gym more. I am in good shape and eat pretty healthy, but I really have no excuse to not be in great shape. I have really wanted to take a road trip. I've been trying to figure out where to go. I'm in So Cal, so i thought maybe Napa to do some wine tastings. Ha! Kind of funny since I started this post by saying I don't drink much. But it's something I've always wanted to do. Any other suggestions? I thought about a 4 day Cabo trip. It would be nice to have something to look forward to.

 

I do feel better today. I think I have worked through some of the anger and bitterness and don't feel it as much. I hope this positive feeling can continue.

 

I"m sorry to hear that the going has been so rough for you, Jstobo. I took a hiatus from LS and from dealing with my stbx-wife for quite awhile, so I'm just catching up on what's been happening in your situation. I needed the break because I realized it wasn't helping me move forward.

 

I think a road trip is an excellent idea. I've been attempting to plan one for late August or September myself, so long as I can get the vacation time from work. I live in SoCal as well, so perhaps we can swap road trip ideas? The national parks in Calif. are great; if you're interested in Napa, there are some other great wine regions in NorCal that you might like as well that are less trafficked, cheaper, and really fun. Feel free to message me here or PM me.

 

We'll both get through this.

[ShatteredReality]

Groupon has deals on cruises and stuff - you could do a four day cruise (and I will ooze envy as I have yet to go on a cruise - or visit another country for that matter). You could do a road trip or a day trip - tickets from LA to Seattle, WA are usually decent...and Seattle can be a fun city. So can Portland, OR. Same price for the tickets give or take from LA. You can usually find direct, also. If you need tips on what to do in the Pac NW let me know and I'll give you pointers.

 

Wine country could also be a lot of fun...I've never been, so if you do go let us all know how it is and the best places to go and things to do!

 

When I was a kid there was a place I used to go stay with my mom and stepdad each winter for about a week - Cayucos CA. It's near San Luis Obispo. You can walk from one end of the town to the other in 10 minutes...great place to go to just disappear for a few days. But also close enough to everything if you want the attractions too.

 

You can always go to the Science museums and catch a play in San Francisco too....just tossing out suggestions - maybe you can do those things where you live now, but for some reasons it's funner in another city. I have an aunt in SF - If you need tips on that area let me know and I'll contact her.

 

Not sure any of those suggestions were what you were looking for...but it's all relatively close to where you are and some should not break the bank!