daisy48 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 my ex-husband and me are incompatible, he is obsessed with his hobbies and other activities. after 10 years i finally made the painfully decision to end the marriage. we took a couple of years to accept this decision and finally, we did it in a cordial way. my current serious bf ( we are already talking about marriage ) suddenly told me he is starting this hobby, which is the same as my ex. he just text me that he is attending the course on this hobby, upon reading the text, one tear ran down my cheek and i was surprised. i then realise how much this hobby bothers me. or rather, this hobby reminded me how my marriage had broken down. i haven't had a talk with my bf yet, just a brief conversation yesterday. he said he won't be obsessed with this hobby, ( learning to fly aircraft) . i am quite sure my bf won't be as obsessed with it as my ex, the next thing is, i would hate to see a shadow of my ex on him now that he is doing the same thing. i don't want to be a control freak, but i am really feeling crappy about this. i don't want to be reminded of my ex, but now my bf is doing the same thing that i dislike alot about my ex. valentines day is coming, he has planned something nice, i don't want to fight over this, but this has totally dampened my happy mood. any advice would be appreciated! and thanks in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
Duckduckgoose Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 Is it the hobby itself that bothers you, or the fact that your ex put all his time and effort into it at the expense of your relationship? This is something you should probably talk about with your bf. Link to post Share on other sites
notsure15 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 what is the hobby? and yes it sounds like the hobby is the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisy48 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 (edited) the hobby is flying, flying a small plane. is a decent activity , but there is a risk issue i haven't mentioned here that bothers me as well. my ex was obsessed with it at the expense of our relationship. i am concerned that history will repeat. even if my bf will not be obsessed with it like my ex, the whole thing reminds me of my ex marriage, which i am trying to put behind me. my ex was a total disappointment in terms of a husband, but i do not hate him as a person and we are actually still good friends and even biz partners. i am still dealing with my resentment towards him regarding my disappointment, i guess i had displace the resentment onto that hobby as well. and then whoooom, when yesterday my bf told me he is attending the flying course, it hit me hard. i am now working hard on telling myself this is just a feeling i have to overcome. i really don't want to blow this big. he may be proposing for real this coming valentines. honestly, this thing threw me out of balance. with my failed marriage, i had already lost a lot of confidence in marriage again. i actually told my ex about this. his adviced that this flying thingy is not easy at all, there is high chance my bf will give up. he told me to lie low and just wait for my bf to give up. lol Edited February 10, 2011 by daisy48 Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisy48 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 i am now pretending to be ok when actually i am not. i feel cold in my heart, i even treated my bf cool. i know this is not fair to him, what has he done wrong? nothing really, he is just joining a course. flying is not a common activity, why am i so lucky to have both my men do it? and my bf is not young, he is mid 40s, why bother? and the risk. i may use risk as a good reason to discourage him. i am worried too in fact. bf is a egoistic guy, don't think it will work. i don't feel like marrying him afterall... Link to post Share on other sites
notsure15 Posted February 10, 2011 Share Posted February 10, 2011 don't jump to marriage, and yes i understand why flying brings up soo much hurt. it is the same for any hobby that pulls a loved one away from you. tell the current bf, and if he gets it stick to good sex, then if he still doesn't change his mind he doesn't respect you and get out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author daisy48 Posted February 10, 2011 Author Share Posted February 10, 2011 thank you for your reply. but wouldn't he say the same thing? " why can't you respect my interest?" i don't know what is respect anymore. it sounds like if he doesn't do things my way i am out. i am really pretty disillusioned with relationship and marriage, i don't know how to maintain it. holidays and sex and good times are good. but reality sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted February 13, 2011 Share Posted February 13, 2011 and the risk. i may use risk as a good reason to discourage him. i am worried too in fact. ... I think there is more chance of Elvis getting struck by lightening doing a concert on the back of the Loch ness monster than your BF getting into a plane accident. Thats how safe it is. Seriously though, I think the problem is with you. Sort yourself out, whats so bad about a guy having a hobby? Why not get one yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
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