do you think he cheated

[pollylolly]

My ex of 2 years broke up with me a month ago. Long story short, he said he needed to be single again and concentrate on his music...We are both in our mid to late 20s.

 

So in the lead up to this I notice that he is acting distant with me. He seems colder and less tolerant. He also needs more space. I noticed he seemed less into me. All these ideas made me feel that he is loosing interest or found someone else. So here is the only evidence I have that he cheated:

 

1. He left his computer open so I looked through his emails (bad move, I know, I am ashamed). Anyway, I found very flirty emails from a girl. She asked him for some photos as she 'may not recognise him'. He said his phone was broken so he would call her when its fixed. I mean, wtf! I confronted him about this and he claims that she was starting a band and he wanted to join it so they were arranging to do practice. He did start many bands without telling me so maybe it is true.

 

2. He sent me a text saying '2pm cool, I can't believe its your birthday soon'. I rang him back as this message wasn't for me. He said it was for a friend. Anyway, the next day we meet for dinner at 5pm. He says he was at football between 2-5pm. The next day at work my coworker told me she saw him outside some coffee shop talking to a girl at around 4pm.. I confronted him later and asked if he was with anyone between football and me. He said no. Then I told him that my coworker saw him and he admitted it then. He said he was helping some foreign girl with a project. He said they met the day before. I remember him telling me some girl asked him for help but he never told me he was meeting her. I don't see why he had to lie.

 

3. He had so many calls and texts to some girl on his phone. I never ever looked through his phone, but we were chatting and he had his phone open at call log and I saw. He said she was some woman who was helping him find a gig. He acted really defensive about it.

 

4. He became really secretive on his phone and was always on it. It was a bit crazy how much time he spent on it. I noticed it was always in his pocket and close beside him. He would get paranoid if I even looked at it

 

5. He bought a few new pieces of clothing but never wore them around me. He never bought new clothes.

 

6. I caught him out about where he was going a few times. He would say he was going somewhere but I would find out somehow he wasn't there. He always had some excuse. He would not answer his phone or act shady. I found out later that he joined two bands in secret without tellling me. He thought I would get angry as he knew that basically we wouldn't work if he was in 3 bands.

 

He got a lot of attention since he joined his band. As of the above incidences I became paranoid and didn't trust him. So our relationship crumbled. He broke up with me. We really could not function anymore. He told me he loved me and I am the most beautiful girl but I don't deserve to be strung along as I will come 2nd to his music.

 

I have confronted him on all the above. He swears that he never cheated and the above where all just either coincidences or my imagination running wild. He says he doesn't want a girlfriend and just wants to be single. I mean, after we have broken up, he still swore it had nothing to do with anyone else. I begged him to just admit it but he wouldn't. He kept saying no. I told him it would make it easier if he did cheat as this way I could hate him and I would never talk to him again. He still says no.

 

My friends and family don't think he cheated. But I do. They think he really just wants to concentrate on his 3 bands and be free to go wherever he needs to. They also think he has turned into an a###hole. He is in 3 bands, works full time and practices a few different musical instruments. He says he has no time for a girlfriend let alone time to have cheated on me. He says he wants to invest in his music for the next few years as it is his future.

 

What do u people think? Did he cheat-does he have a case of the grass is always greener on the other side? Or does he want to just dedicate himself to music. I really don't know. If I knew I could get over it easier.

Edited February 10, 2011 by pollylolly

[alethean]

He cheated on you. Whether it was with a girl or with his music you can't be positive unless he tells you. Your gut is telling you it's the former and it's probably right. But then, it doesn't matter. It's over and he's clearly moving on. So do the appropriate mourning of your relationship and live life like it's about to be 2012.

[pollylolly]

Thank you for your reply..I know that he started to love something more than me that's for sure.

 

It's just strange as all of the girls I suspected him cheating on are different. I mean the girl he emailed, and the girl he was texting/calling were two different people. I mean, common sense tells me that if he was cheating it would just be with the one girl. I mean, I hope he is not that twisted.

 

My ex always had a problem with cheaters. He has had a family member cheated on and many of his friends. He never had a wondering eye so it just doesn't seem to make sense. This is why I am so confused.

 

I worry that I am convincing myself he cheated so it is easier to move on from him. I wonder if we just grew apart and I could sense that so presumed he cheated. I still can't explain the emails/txt messages.

 

My head is just out of control. I can't seem to stop thinking. I just want to figure it out so I can move on. I am the type of person that has to get to the bottom of things or it drives me insane

[carhill]

It's possible his definition of cheating differs from yours....

 

Here's mine, based on the concept of marriage: If one's spouse was standing by while the talk/action was occurring, and s/he found the dynamic to be unacceptable, a de-prioritization of the relationship, and/or disrespectful, then that same talk/action, without transparent disclosure, occurring outside their presence, is 'cheating'.

 

Your boyfriend, like Bill Clinton, may think that only dickinsider is cheating. Some men think like that.

 

You're in charge of you. You know your boundaries. Enforce them. Good luck

[pollylolly]

Carhill-Thank you. I agree with you.

 

Cheating does not have to be physical. It can be emotional. He maybe had feelings for these women or was curious as to what could be with them. I guess that is a form of cheating?

 

In our relationship I was loyal. I loved him with all my heart. But, I would engage in a bit of harmless flirting from time to time. I would always tell the guy in question I had a boyfriend. I would never act upon it and if I thought that the guy seriously liked me I would back away. It was just a bit of fun. I think most people are flattered when the are being chatted up. But, I would never ever text/email another guy if I knew it wasn't appropriate. My BF knew all my guy friends. I was always honest with my BF and would tell him if a guy came on to me. He would just laugh as he knew he could trust me.

 

This is why I am so upset as we obviously have very different standards. I mean, I would never do what he done to me.

 

Is my ex a bad person? Or was he just getting itchy feet and moved on. He told me he really didn't want to hurt me so a part of me thinks he dragged on the relationship even though he wanted out. It just came as a surprise as it seemed over night his attitude changed.

 

I am still in love with him but I really don't think we will ever reconcile. We are still friends. He calls me and wants to remain friends. But I have decided NC.

 

I want him to miss what he gave up. I think NC is the only way forward...Right?

[carhill]

Great example and response, thanks

 

You showed how you have a different perspective on 'cheating' from what your xBF apparently has and both of you are perhaps different than someone else. This is where compatibility comes in. If this aspect of compatibility is in conflict and is irreconcilable, then, if you consider it a deal-breaker, that's what it is. Apparently, you have decided this.

 

How do you normally process break-ups? Do you need time to process your feelings alone? If so, NC is one path to that. Is it possible to have LC? Sure, as long as it enables rather than impedes your healing.

 

Is there a caveat which would prompt you to consider reconciliation? If so, communicate it clearly, including the parameters which would respect your healing. In essence, any future relationship would be *new*; the past is the past. No extra money for being in love before. Start fresh.

 

IMO, in the future, if he wants to reconcile, he needs to request it in person, face-to-face, on your turf. YMMV. Read the thread in my signature for further info on NC if you need assistance. Best wishes

[notsure15]

cheated on you, not honest, move forward you sound great, and good on you for trusting your instincts!!

[pollylolly]

Actually, my ex and I spoke about cheating before and I know he also held my opinion of cheating. He knew what he did was wrong. He knew and admitted he should not have lied to me about these girls. He did feel bad. But, I still think he did cheat, but not physically. I never fully got over it and I know it's one of the main reasons we broke up.

 

My last break up before him was really dragged out. We stayed friends stupidly. He would get jealous if I went on a date with a new guy and I would get jealous too. It was a toxic friendship. I never got to fully move on as he kept playing mind games with me. So this is why I am scared to remain friends with my current ex.

 

My current told me two days ago he was not over me but he did not ask for me back. He says he loved me with all his heart. I didn't ask if he still loved me. This would hurt if he said no. I know he cares about me though. But maybe not as a lover. He says he wants me to move on. I told him I went on a date and he seemed surprised, but not too upset.

 

He told me the main reason he broke up with me is because I asked him where I stood with him. I told him what I wanted out of the relationship. I told him I still want our Sundays together and to spend a certain amount of time during the week. I also told him I wanted him to text me more if I have not seen him that day. He thought about it and the next day he said he physically couldn't do it and he would let me down. So he broke up with me.

 

I often wonder did I ask for too much? Or was he just not able to be a proper boyfriend anymore.

 

This is why I am so confused. I can't decide if he is a crazy arrogant cheater or if he is really just a decent guy who can't handle a relationship with me anymore as he has to live his own dreams right now.

 

I want to do NC as I don't want a messy friendship like my other ex. I also want him to see what he gave up.

 

I feel like I am going backwards in my recovery process. Last week I felt fine and eve had a date. This week I miss my ex badly and want to see him. I have even started to cry again.

[Sazerac]

I feel like I am going backwards in my recovery process. Last week I felt fine and eve had a date. This week I miss my ex badly and want to see him. I have even started to cry again.

 

That is an extremely normal feeling; don't worry. It's all part of the grieving process. Expect it to be like a rollercoaster; one day very high, the next day down in the dumps. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust in your decision. Blessings to you.