dolphinsunshyn Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 I know I'll never understand the mind of a man, but why do they have to be soooo confusing??? Here is my situation: I met a guy a few months ago. Everything was going "perfectly". We seemed to agree on taking the relationship slowly and just going with the flow of things. He is in the process of a divorce. I have been divorced for over two years and remember what it was like, so I encouraged him to do his own thing and to even date others, ect. Everything was great. About a month ago, he started sending me mixed signals. From one day to the next, things would change. He would go days without e-mailing or calling. Sometimes he would e-mail or call me a couple of times a day. Even the way he signed his e-mails was inconsistant. One day he would sign it "lots of love" and xoxxo, but the next it would just say "see ya later". Obviously, this started to cause some confusion for me. There were a couple of times when I tried to back off because it was obvious that he was getting confused, but he would convice me that he cares about me and didn't want to loose what we had, ect. and make the excuse that he just had a lot going on. After my frustration began to mount over a few weeks, I finally asked him if maybe he was interested in someone else or if I did something wrong to cause his ambivilance. He said no and just wanted to continue to go with the flow. However, things weren't flowing at all with us at that point. It has been several weeks since we had been out on a date. I still wasn't convinced everything was "fine". He finally told me that he just wanted to be friends. I know I shouldn't have questioned things, but this really confused me. Being shocked by this, I asked what happened to make him want to be just friends. I finally got out of him that he had fallen in love with me and got scared by that. He admitted that things were "perfect' between us and that he didn't trust himself because he still wanted to date other women. He proceed to say that this is something he just has to do before he could ever be with anyone again. What I don't understand is that I encouranged him dating others from the start. So why is he still backing off if he knows I wouldn't mind? I can't understand if thing were going so perfect and we both agreed to not get serious, why he didn't want to date me anymore? Especially since he says he is in love with me. I never pressured him and was happy keeping things casual. Can anyone shed some insight? Is this a "test" or a "game" that he is playing?How should I handle this now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dolphinsunshyn Posted March 25, 2004 Author Share Posted March 25, 2004 I know I need to give him space until he gets things straight, but I have a present for him that I have been holding on to for a few weeks until I was able to see him again. Since it doesn't look like that is going to happen now, what should I do? I can't take it back to the store. Should I send it to him? If so, what should I say. I don't want him to think I'm trying to win him back or anything; but, I want him to be able to have it. Any ideas? Link to post Share on other sites
Darkangelism Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 He might have commitmentphobia or maybe he doesnt love you anymore. As for the present if you really want him to have it then give it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
priscilla Posted March 25, 2004 Share Posted March 25, 2004 Sounds like a classic commitmentphobe. Can you give the present to someone else, perhaps a friend or charity? I don't think he would really appreciate it at this point and he may think that you are trying to win him back. Also, I think it was a good thing you confronted him that way you have your answers to his behavior and can move on. Link to post Share on other sites
The flower girl Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 men are so confusing. :-( Link to post Share on other sites
stupidcupid143 Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 omg! i am going through the same thing. :-( why do men have to play these games??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dolphinsunshyn Posted March 30, 2004 Author Share Posted March 30, 2004 I know! I have about given up all together. LOL I did send him a nice "break up" letter saying that I was going to give him the time he needs and if he ever figures out what he wants to contact me. Jenny has posted a few good break up notes on here before. I picked out a few key phases and then put my own twist on it. I plan on sending him the stuff I have for him. I put that in the e-mail so he knows to expect the package arriving in the mail. But I told him I didn't know when I "had time" to send it and to keep checking his mail. I'll make him wait in anticpation a little while like he did to me. LOL I'm still hurting a lot. I cry about once a day still. We had such a great thing going. What sucks was we were friends first and now the friendship is gone too. We kept saying to each other that we never wanted to loose the friendship if dating didn't work. But, it is still gone. I would give anything for him to contact me and say that he isn't scared anymore. I know he was in love with me and I felt the same way towards him. The right train -- Just the wrong time. Link to post Share on other sites
The flower girl Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 this conferms that Im not the only one that has been thru this too then! to this day I have no idea why. lol Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 hi dolphinsunshyn sorry you are hurting - i personally wouldnt bother with the break up note unless its for your benefit only. it wont change his mind and you may regret sending it at a later date as you were taking things slow and by sending it you are confirming for him things werent going as slow for you as you may have said. break up letters usually have an ulterior motive - if you are doing it just to get stuff out in the open, go for it, but if you want a response, it may not be the response youd hoped for take care Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Originally posted by dolphinsunshyn I know I need to give him space until he gets things straight, but I have a present for him that I have been holding on to for a few weeks until I was able to see him again. Since it doesn't look like that is going to happen now, what should I do? I can't take it back to the store. Should I send it to him? If so, what should I say. I don't want him to think I'm trying to win him back or anything; but, I want him to be able to have it. Any ideas? It depends on what it is. If it's something you could use or would enjoy, by all means, keep it for yourself. If it's a "male" gift, give it to your father or someone. I wouldn't go to any trouble or lengths to make sure this guy gets it. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Dolphin, The BEST thing this guy has going for him is that he was honest with you about what is going on with him. What YOU have going for you is that he gave you everything you need for closure and to move on. I wouldn't be waiting for any contact from him, sad to say. I know that's hard, and it hurts. He was honest when he said he wanted to play the field. He might have been getting too attached, and he didn't want that in his life now. My advice is to do your best to move on. IF by some chance he does get in touch with you somewhere down the road, then that's another thing. Right now, it's in YOUR best interest to get over the speed bump of him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dolphinsunshyn Posted March 30, 2004 Author Share Posted March 30, 2004 Originally posted by BigBelm hi dolphinsunshyn sorry you are hurting - i personally wouldnt bother with the break up note unless its for your benefit only. it wont change his mind and you may regret sending it at a later date as you were taking things slow and by sending it you are confirming for him things werent going as slow for you as you may have said. break up letters usually have an ulterior motive - if you are doing it just to get stuff out in the open, go for it, but if you want a response, it may not be the response youd hoped for take care BigBelm: Unfortunatly, I already sent it. But, that was after I sent him an e-mail questioning what was "going on" between us. He sent me one back explaining that he fell in love and got scared, ect. But he also said that it bothered him that I had to question things. He said he doesn't want to think about all of that stuff now. He just want to find someone to spend time with casually. But, since he fell in love with me; he can't jsut be casual anymore and thought that "just being friends" made sense. I wouldn't have minded just being friends, but he was sending me mixed signals. One day he would elude to a future together and say something lovingly and the next he would be colder and basically give me the run down of his day like I was just a guy pal. So, I sent him back an e-mail saying that it sounds like he is confused and I'll just give him time if that is what he needs. Since he didn't reply, I'm assuming that is what he wants. So I'm not going to push him. But I'm not going to wait around forever either. I think it was my way of being able to move on myself, but keeping the possibility of a future open if he figures out what he is wanting. I guess I'm hoping that he sees that I want the best for him and want him to be happy, so I'm willing to put my feelings aside. Hopefully, he'll see that as a good thing and think of me when he is ready for a relationship. Who knows. I just knew I couldn't continue to wait. I felt like we were getting to the point where I was giving more than I was receiving. That becomes detremental to any friendship or relationship. I wanted to save the friendship above anything. But, that didn't happen either. He's just not able to deal with his emotions right now. There's not much I can do about it but move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dolphinsunshyn Posted March 30, 2004 Author Share Posted March 30, 2004 I wouldn't be waiting for any contact from him, sad to say. I know that's hard, and it hurts. He was honest when he said he wanted to play the field. He might have been getting too attached, and he didn't want that in his life now. You hit the nail on the head!! That is exactly what happened. I am thankful he was honest with me. Although, it makes me want him even more!! I have had a very hard time finding an honest guy. He was one of a kind. Like I said...... The right train -- Just the wrong time. I've taken the steps to move on. It has been a week now since I sent him the e-mail and I have not contacted him. I am going to send the gift still. It is something that I nor anyone else can use or want. It was something that he collected and doesn't have much value to anyone but him. But, I told just to expect it sometime in the mail. I said that I was so busy I didn't know when I would have time to send it. Maybe it'll keep him on his toes for a little bit. I don't care who it is from, if I knew I was going to get something in the mail, I would be on pins and needles! He is the same way. LOL The real test is if he sends a "thank you" after he receives it. I guess we'll see. Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted March 30, 2004 Share Posted March 30, 2004 Dolphin, You fall victim to what most of us do...wanting what is a challenge to us and what we can't have. That's human nature. The more I think about this, the more I respect this guy for being so upfront and honest about the whole thing. Look at all the guys (and gals) that are feeling like your guy is/was, and just don't break it off with the one they are involved with. They end up running around on them, and they dig a hole so deep that YOU end up falling into it...into their own dump, their abyss. If you are going to send him the gift, just don't get your heart broken if he doesn't respond or send you a thank you. By the way, I like your saying, "Right train, wrong time"...that's good! Link to post Share on other sites
Veronika Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 This all sounds sooooooooooooo familiar..........My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me just yesterday.........not much of an explanation.......He just said,"I am not thinking straight", "I thought we would have just went out a couple of times and that would have been it-I didn't expect a relationship or to fall in love." " Link to post Share on other sites
Author dolphinsunshyn Posted March 31, 2004 Author Share Posted March 31, 2004 Originally posted by Veronika This all sounds sooooooooooooo familiar..........My boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me just yesterday.........not much of an explanation.......He just said,"I am not thinking straight", "I thought we would have just went out a couple of times and that would have been it-I didn't expect a relationship or to fall in love." " Geez....I don't understand it. We give 'em an out at the beginning saying we don't want anything serious. But, THEY still pursue US and make it seem like that is what they want. Then the minute things start to get heavy and we put ourselves on the line -- they run, leaving us heartbroken. It is a viscious cycle that keeps happening to me and a LOT of other girls I know. The thought of lesbianism is sounding more appealing everyday! LOL I'm sorry he broke up with you. It's gotta be hard. If you need someone to talk to, PM me. That is what we are here for. Take care! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts