its time

[innervoid]

okay so i just joined this site, I typed "abusive brother" in google and it directed me to this website. I decided that I should let it all out, my history, my traumas, my problems, my insecurities etc. because for too long, my whole life actaully (im 18 now) i have bottled this up and numerous times these memories would resurface and make me feel extremely uncormfortable inside.

i thought writing it out and exposing it to strangers through the net would at least make me feel better, i wouldn't dare to tell anyone in reality or someone close, i never have, never plan to.(assuming you understand why)

 

anyway i dont know how to start, okay so when i was young my parents went through an extremely abusive relationship, i remember vividly the past incidents i can picture them so clearly like a projector running in my head, once my dad got out of control and threw a china plate at my mum and it sliced he back of her head right above her neck, i ran out of my room to see what happened and she was already unconcious with blood covering her neck, i thought she was dead and all i could do was cry and be useless. another time he used his belt and whipped her multiple times, she was on the floor unable to defend herself, another time they were both in the bathroom and i spotted my mother crying when they came out, silently suffering and it scarred me i felt like killing my dad.

 

at least once a week they would quirrel relentlessly and these abusive occurences would happen i cant remember how many.

 

then i grew a little older, maybe around 9 years old, my brother abused me, controlled me, told me if i was being a smart mouth he would hit me and punish me when my parents werent home, every single ****ing time i am alone with him in the house i can assure i was being forced against my will, he raped me, he hit me he verbally abused me. I would take my time coming back home from school, dreading what will happen when i arrive home with my brother alone in the house.

i was too ashamed to speak up to anyone, i thought it would be worse if i told, he blackmailed me and told me if i said anything to my parents he would make it worse.

my dad hit me too, one time i was sitting at the table drinking hot water and i slurped, of course i would i was a ****ing kid!! and he slapped me so hard i fell and the chair tipped with me.

another time he hit me continuesly with a ruler until it snapped because i couldn't do my 4 timetables.

he kicked me numerous times, i would get red and bruised marks on my body, my brother would also leave marks and bruises.

 

it was either my parents expecially mother was oblivious or they just dismissive. because as i grew older and gained a little more control, power and knwoledge they stopped this abuse to me, and i would confess to my mum that i was hit by my bro, but i never said a word about the sexual abuse.

she just said frowned and said "why didnt you tell me earlier?" i said i did and i gave you clues, but you didnt bother. that was all, the next day my emotions are forgotton like none of this happened.

 

before i would get nightmares about my dads rage and i would get sleep paralysis occasionally.

 

last year i dated a guy from high school, he confessed with me his past errors when our relationship was unstable and hazy and so that made me feel like he could trust me without judging him, and so i thought he wouldn't judge me either, so i told him, i was raped by my brother, he was shocked, then in less than a month when we broke up (because we were not aloud to see each other, i was 17 at the time and my parents, again, was very controlling) we couldnt take this sneaking around and lying any longer so we ended it, and obviously he didnt want to wait for my 18th, how belittled i felt. but anyway in less than a month he is going out with another chick, what does that say about his respect for what we had? not even giving himself time to heal, hypocritically saying he will take forever to get over it but then turns around and stabs me and i know its intentional, becuase he showed his girlfriend off to one of my close friend.

 

now that im 18, things are a little different, i grew to be agressive towards my parents answering back at them and shouting, i know its ugly and vulgar yet i still do it. but at least there is no physical abuse in the household anymore, my dad is msot respectful to my mum, he took councelling and anger management and im happy for that, my mum still shouts at me, but its okay i can bear that, sometimes my dad picks on me for unreasonable things, eg. waking up at 9 which is considered lazy.

 

but now i have inner problems, i try to be a good person, i donate, i help animal welfare and adopt a vegan diet for ethical reasons, i try and reduce carbon emissions, i try..but i dont know if i am trying to make up or cover up my insecurities? or if that is really me,

 

i have had countless problems during my early teen till now, self-mutilation, over-sensetivity, withdrawal from friends, anxiety, depression, low self esteem, body image

 

and over timei have developed bulimia and adapted this mind set that if i loose weight nothing else will matter, now i know deep down that is not important in fact i am physically very healthy bmi of 19 but im not satisfied and its become a habit to think that way as a coping mechanism

 

anyway the reason i googled "abusive brother" is because one time my mum and i walked in on my bro's sis crying and my brother all angry, i dont feel safe for her, and i do worry she might get hurt in the future, but a part of me is trying to resist caring.

 

anyway that was my rant, jsut wanted to let it out to feel a little less dirty.

[shockandawed]

Innervoid,

 

You have had a rough beginning to say the least. I will say that many of the problems you mention you have faced in your teens, such as low self esteem, anxiety, etc are common to nearly all kids at various points of these years.

 

You don't mention if you have been seeing a professional in regards to this. If not, I would strongly suggest you do that.

 

Tell us a little more about your brother. Is he older and primarily, is he still around? I am almost certain he dealt with his own abuses growing up. Sadly, it sounds like he took it out on you. I am very afraid he will continue these types of behaviours throughout life without proper help.

 

It sounds like your parents have taken the right road and your Dad should be commended for his actions in taking counseling and correcting his behavior.

 

This is a lot to bear, especially for a teenager. You should be focused on school, friends, and enjoying this period of your life. Since your parents have found a new beginning through counseling, don't you feel they would be supportive of you doing the same?

[innervoid]

shockanddawed, Thanks for the reply

 

Things have improved alot, Yes at that age I was at school, and occasionally with friends but also the abuse at home simultaneously. I decided to express the past troubles to release some stress as i have never written/or spoken about it before.

 

as for my brother, he is still here in fact he and his partner is temporarily living here with parents and I to spend time i guess?

 

right now, we dont even bring the past abuse up, assuming that each other has forgotton or dismiss what happened, it is too daunting and awkward to mention it

but what i am worried about now is if the similar behavior might be carried out towards his current partner, which I know has but not extreme.

I dont know what brought him to have done that, maybe like you said he is taking anger out on me, but before his teens he lived with my Grandma, and I know she is very affectionate.

 

With professional help, I have seen a counsellor from my University for a year, it has somewhat helped me, not solve the problems but provide me with some comfort to get through and preventing the stress from effecting my study. But limited sessions were aloud and then she referred me to another service which deals with youth issues.

 

Since then I have not approached a professional because i thought what is the point of traveling so far to this new service? when i cant even confess what I have said in this post, face to face to someone.