What would you do about possible emotional affair starting

[Silly_Girl]

Kivu, I spent 8 years with a man who sounds like your husband's twin.

 

He 'tried' so many tmies to deal with the anger, to stop the violence, to understand the source. etc etc etc. It was always there. Even after we split and he'd moved out and was having a 'breakdown' at the loss of me and our relationship, when I refused to go to a party with him he smashed my plate in two whilst I was eating off it. I never let him in to the house after that.

 

You can accept this is your life. Or you can leave it behind. I truly believe there is no middle ground.

 

Sorry, scrap that. What you have NOW isn't your life in the future. Imagine what he's like now... but twice as bad. That's what's in store. He has no reason to change, no motivation, no will. I honestly don't think it will get at all better.

 

My heart really does go out to you. I know the fear and paranoia and the nagging doubt that maybe he's right and you've 'lost the plot'; keeping things from friends and family that you can't possibly justify... Please get some real help.

[denise_xo]

I'm so glad you have a plan. Please execute. I don't know what your situation is with regard to the house, but you might want to look into options for a restraining order.

[Kivu]

I can't leave just yet. I can't.

 

He made pancakes for me last night, he made dinner for the next couple of days. We went to bed and he curled around me and we snuggled and slept all night, and when I had a nightmare he woke up and kissed my forehead and listened to me. He rubbed my back and put cold fingers on the back of my neck when I told him my head hurt (and has been, chronically). He talked about all the birthday presents he's going to buy me.

 

This sort of thing happens even when he's mad at me and I just can't give it up yet. I know what you're going to say is that there are plenty of other guys who will do this, but I can't really believe that, since my last eight-year relationship had no physical closeness even though it started out that way.

 

He thinks I should remember all the good things and never hold the bad things against him, and now I feel like crying...again. All I have ever wanted was a man to love me and...eh. *blows nose*

[Silly_Girl]

I can't leave just yet. I can't.

 

Because....?

[lavidaloca]

I can't leave just yet. I can't.

 

He made pancakes for me last night, he made dinner for the next couple of days. We went to bed and he curled around me and we snuggled and slept all night, and when I had a nightmare he woke up and kissed my forehead and listened to me. He rubbed my back and put cold fingers on the back of my neck when I told him my head hurt (and has been, chronically). He talked about all the birthday presents he's going to buy me.

 

This sort of thing happens even when he's mad at me and I just can't give it up yet. I know what you're going to say is that there are plenty of other guys who will do this, but I can't really believe that, since my last eight-year relationship had no physical closeness even though it started out that way.

 

He thinks I should remember all the good things and never hold the bad things against him, and now I feel like crying...again. All I have ever wanted was a man to love me and...eh. *blows nose*

 

 

Kivu...if you'll look back and think about it, doesn't he do this every time? He does something bad, and then is all nice and sweet afterwards? This is a tactic all abusers use. They have to do something nice, b/c if it was ALWAYS bad, you'd leave sooner. It's the snippets of good times that keeps you hanging on, keeps giving you hope. This will never change. He'll continue to abuse you, then "make up" for it afterwards..and promise it won't happen again, or that you brought it on yourself (blame shifting).

 

You will leave when you're good and ready, but unfortunately something really bad usually has to happen before. I honestly think the first time he hit you was bad enough for me...but you're still holding on to hope, and your love for him is blinding you to the type of man he really is. HE WILL NOT CHANGE. I can't stress that enough.

 

Please don't think anyone's trying to get you to do something that would be bad for you. I know you love him, and a lot of us are afraid to change things...but humans have an amazing capacity for love, and you WOULD love again. Hope is keeping you trapped right now. MY hope is that you see before too long. Arguments have a way of escalating, and even if you're walking on eggshells they will still happen. The abuser HAS to remain in control, and will instigate an argument to ensure that he's still the one who has it.

 

It does not have to be like this.

Edited March 9, 2011 by lavidaloca

[denise_xo]

He thinks I should remember all the good things and never hold the bad things against him, and now I feel like crying...again.

 

Translation: he does not want a spouse who holds him accountable in any way for his bad behaviour (while he's holding you 'accountable' to all sorts of imaginary behaviour). Is that good enough for you?

 

Hugs to you, Kivu. You WILL find the strength to leave when it's right for you.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Please keep us posted Kivu, I'm cheering for you!

[denise_xo]

Please keep us posted Kivu, I'm cheering for you!

 

Me, too! Strength to Kivu

[Kivu]

Everything has been fine the last few days.

 

Well, when I say "fine" I mean he's still texting this woman ten times a day, but all they talk about is technical stuff relating to their work. However, he's going to see her for coffee tomorrow, and I'm ****ing furious about it. He had coffee with her Monday, went and had a beer for a couple of hours with her Monday night, and now wants to see her on Saturday. And he's probably going to see her on Monday again as well.

 

He makes little digs about how I "don't like" his friends to me almost every day, and asks me if it's "okay if he talks about her" to me, since I obviously hate her. I think she's an ******* and is using his obvious crush to make her feel better about herself, and I think he's an ******* for still seeing her when I clearly dislike her, but if I put my foot down I look like the bad guy.

 

And I'm certain if I put my foot down it'll be a huge argument, and everything will just go underground anyway, so it'll be useless.

 

He hasn't been a dick to me since our last huge argument, and has said some positive things to me, like he actually thinks our sex life is good, that he knows he hasn't spent as much time on me as he should, and that he enjoys being around me, and congratulated me on my recent weight loss. These are huge steps and makes me think he might have learned something from the last incident, but I also know this may be one of those honeymoon times of living with an abuser, so I'm being very watchful about it.

 

My friends who helped me last time are going to visit tomorrow so I'll be able to talk to them. We'll set up a concrete plan so I can leave at any time.

[Kivu]

He threatened to leave me again, #16. This time it was because apparently when I get angry at him for being a jerk it hurts his feelings, and I'm doing him irreparable, lasting emotional harm every time I do, and he can't be with me if I continue to get angry with him. I told him, what do you think you do to me every time you threaten to leave me? Permanent lasting emotional harm. Every time you do this, you make our relationship worse. He said he promises NEVER to threaten to leave me again unless it was about THAT ISSUE. Please mark your calendar about this. He told me last summer he'd never threaten to leave me again, but he did anyway. I guess this is different.

 

I told him that the reason our relationship gets worse and worse is because I can't rely on him to stay with me, I can't count on having a future with him, so what's the point in trying to fix issues if he just leaves. He said he won't reassure me that he'll stay with me because if I keep getting angry with him (for being a dick!) he'll leave eventually because of the amount of harm it does him. He's not going to just sit around and let me get mad at him. He says it's not fair.

 

He said he wished he was dead. He would rather be dead than be with me. He can't leave me, apparently, because he loves me, but the way I treat HIM is worse than death.

 

I told him he should leave. I've told him that about five times now. He says he won't because of his "great love" for me, but living with me makes him miserable and he hates it.

 

We went to a concert and he wouldn't talk to me. He said he went to see the band, not me, and I should go do whatever I wanted and he would see me afterward. I tried to stay by him but he wouldn't even look at me. It was really crowded and at one point I get knocked over and people fell on top of me and I got stepped on. He didn't even notice. He reproached me after the concert because I went to the bathroom and didn't tell him I was going.

 

He also told me yesterday that I wasn't his type. I'm too tall, too old.

 

But he won't leave me. I don't know what to do. He says he loves me and he treats me like this. Other than physically forcing him out the door I'm not sure what to do. He's even taken away my right to be mad at him for doing all of that. I didn't get mad at him about the way he treated me at the concert because that would make him leave me, apparently. And he thinks he's right to treat me like that.

 

Oh man. Man. Think I'll go cry in the toilet, again. Jesus.

[xxoo]

He threatened to leave me again, #16. This time it was because apparently when I get angry at him for being a jerk it hurts his feelings, and I'm doing him irreparable, lasting emotional harm every time I do, and he can't be with me if I continue to get angry with him. I told him, what do you think you do to me every time you threaten to leave me? Permanent lasting emotional harm. Every time you do this, you make our relationship worse. He said he promises NEVER to threaten to leave me again unless it was about THAT ISSUE. Please mark your calendar about this. He told me last summer he'd never threaten to leave me again, but he did anyway. I guess this is different.

 

I told him that the reason our relationship gets worse and worse is because I can't rely on him to stay with me, I can't count on having a future with him, so what's the point in trying to fix issues if he just leaves. He said he won't reassure me that he'll stay with me because if I keep getting angry with him (for being a dick!) he'll leave eventually because of the amount of harm it does him. He's not going to just sit around and let me get mad at him. He says it's not fair..

 

Kivu, I know you are struggling, and I am so sorry (((hugs))).

 

I bolded a couple lines, because I suspect issues get really muddled when you argue with your H. That isn't surprising, because he is focused on manipulating/control, not truly resolving issues. So issues will get twisted and muddled.

 

You say that the relationship gets worse because he threatens to leave. Meanwhile, he is insisting, over and over, that you are not permitted to be angry at him. The reason your relationship gets worse is because he is controlling and abusive. It is because of things like: he insists you are not permitted to be angry with him. That's simply ridiculous. Yet, he is serious, and is "punishing" you for being angry. Meanwhile, HE is angry--which is somehow acceptable? Logical fail.

 

An appropriate response would be: "Well, it is too bad you feel that way, but I'm human and sometimes I get angry. If you need a partner who never gets angry, I am not that person. You are right. You should leave."

[denise_xo]

He threatened to leave me again, #16. This time it was because apparently when I get angry at him for being a jerk it hurts his feelings, and I'm doing him irreparable, lasting emotional harm every time I do, and he can't be with me if I continue to get angry with him. I told him, what do you think you do to me every time you threaten to leave me? Permanent lasting emotional harm. Every time you do this, you make our relationship worse. He said he promises NEVER to threaten to leave me again unless it was about THAT ISSUE. Please mark your calendar about this. He told me last summer he'd never threaten to leave me again, but he did anyway. I guess this is different.

 

I told him that the reason our relationship gets worse and worse is because I can't rely on him to stay with me, I can't count on having a future with him, so what's the point in trying to fix issues if he just leaves. He said he won't reassure me that he'll stay with me because if I keep getting angry with him (for being a dick!) he'll leave eventually because of the amount of harm it does him. He's not going to just sit around and let me get mad at him. He says it's not fair.

 

He said he wished he was dead. He would rather be dead than be with me. He can't leave me, apparently, because he loves me, but the way I treat HIM is worse than death.

 

I told him he should leave. I've told him that about five times now. He says he won't because of his "great love" for me, but living with me makes him miserable and he hates it.

 

We went to a concert and he wouldn't talk to me. He said he went to see the band, not me, and I should go do whatever I wanted and he would see me afterward. I tried to stay by him but he wouldn't even look at me. It was really crowded and at one point I get knocked over and people fell on top of me and I got stepped on. He didn't even notice. He reproached me after the concert because I went to the bathroom and didn't tell him I was going.

 

He also told me yesterday that I wasn't his type. I'm too tall, too old.

 

But he won't leave me. I don't know what to do. He says he loves me and he treats me like this. Other than physically forcing him out the door I'm not sure what to do. He's even taken away my right to be mad at him for doing all of that. I didn't get mad at him about the way he treated me at the concert because that would make him leave me, apparently. And he thinks he's right to treat me like that.

 

Oh man. Man. Think I'll go cry in the toilet, again. Jesus.

 

Kivu, don't take this load of crap. GO.

 

Are the two of you living in your apartment? or his/joint?

[Kivu]

He keeps saying "I don't even have control over my own relationship." I keep thinking, "You never really did, you idiot, and the fact that you've got it in your head that you do is part of the problem" but I don't because it would sail right over his head.

 

When he said he would NEVER threaten to leave me again, he said "But now I don't have any powerful way to raise issues with you, because any issue I raise with you in a less powerful way, you don't deal with."

 

I said - "Do you really think you have no control over the relationship other than threatening to leave me?"

 

He said - "Don't ask such facetious questions." (!)

 

One of my problems now is that even when I don't get angry any modulations of my voice that are anything other than perfectly pleasant and happy are greeted with "Don't snap at me" or "Don't take that tone with me" or "Don't raise your voice to me" even when I'm NOT! I'm NOT! I'm REALLY NOT! And if I say, "No, I'm NOT!" then he says, "Now listen to you, stop yelling at me."

 

He counts these things against me and then a couple of days later will tell me how dreadfully I've been treating him lately, and when I say that I haven't, will tell me that I'm ignoring his issues!

 

I can't win, he's just going to be annoyed at me for nothing, forever, and will not leave.

[xxoo]

It's all manipulation and attempt to control you. All of it.

 

He won't leave. Why would he? It isn't easy finding a woman who will put up with so much horse manure. He's got it good!

 

Think about it--he's having an inappropriate relationship with another woman, but has you so beaten down (figuratively, at the very least) that you don't even confront him about it. If he confuses and manipulates you enough, he can do anything he damn well pleases. Sweet for him.

 

You CAN win. You don't have to wait for him to leave. YOU can leave.

[denise_xo]

You CAN win. You don't have to wait for him to leave. YOU can leave.

 

Quoted for emphasis.

[nyc_guy2003]

I agree with everyone here that Kivu should leave the dude, but I'm not going to reiterate it because it's pretty clear she will not do it on her own. The guy's figured out that all it takes is an apology and maybe a cooked meal to absolve himself of days/weeks/month of abuse. As long as that keeps working he's going to keep doing it. And it doesn't seem like she has any intention of letting it stop.

 

Regarding the emotional affair with the other girl -- I know (from experience) how hard it is to break out of something like that, but if my wife found out I was doing it and told me to stop, I would stop. The fact that he doesn't, or maybe she's not willing to outright tell him to stop, is a clear flag (again based on experience) that it's going to get worse if it hasn't already.

[Kivu]

Funny but since the last post he's actually been really nice to me. Really, really nice.

 

I have since put my foot down about that girl. He hasn't talked to her for over a week now. He thinks I'm being unreasonable, but as far as I know he hasn't texted or seen her.

 

It actually feels like things are looking up. *crosses fingers*

 

We've only had one fight, which is good!