Broken Promises = Broken Heart

[beenlurking]

I'm feeling down today. I cought my husband in another lie. Another broken promise. Why do some people claim to love someone - show them in many ways that they DO love them, cry when they have hurt the someone they love, and then turn around and keep breaking the same promise over and over again!

 

My husband hasn't touched me in literally years. He says he wants to but he never "feels" it. When I make a play for him or when we even have tried to schedule something, he ends up not being in the mood. He says he just does not have a libido any more and never gets erections. But he jerks off in front of his computer. If he wasn't jerking off he wouldn't be hiding his pornography.

 

I don't care if he wants to look at porn - but why lie about it and tell me he can't get it up when he can? If he loves me so much, why does he use his 'one shot' on himself and leave me alone?

 

I don't want to be married to someone else. I love him, but I can't stand the hurting from the lies. We've been through counseling. That did not help at all.

 

I've suggested sharing porn, trying toys and lotions, role-play, new places, new positions, bondage, tickling, etc. and he does not want to. He SAYS he does want to--but not now. Then when? After finding the evidence of his lies (thats what hidden porn represents to me - evidence of a lie and a broken promise) I have no desire because my heart is broken. I want to make love with him -- but I don't because it sickens me now because of the LIE.

 

Why do people do this? Why? How can I ever trust him? Even if he does start being intimate with me again (which I doubt) how can I be responsive if I don't trust him? Part of me wants to just lash out and hurt him somehow, but I don't know what WOULD hurt him. He doesn't seem to care anymore--not really. If he did, he would not do this to me- his wife who he says he loves and who he has made promises to. I know he is not having an affair--I would be able to tell if there were someone else because through MY friends who work with him, I know where he is all the time. He knows where I am all the time too.

 

If he won't go in for more counseling (because of money mainly, not because he refuses) what can I tell him he needs to do so I can trust him again? I don't even know what it will take for me to trust him again. How do I deal with this now? All I want is an average, run of the mill, marriage. I don't expect sparks and wild passion---we are too old for that. I do expect respect and trust and those things are gone now. How do I get them back? I don't want to leave him because I won't trust anyone else again either and at least the rest of his life is a known quantity.

 

I'd rather keep the used car I have and deal with the problems I know about, then buy someone elses used car and not have a clue what problems it has.

 

Why does he do this? What do I do?

[moimeme]

I don't want to leave him because I won't trust anyone else again either and at least the rest of his life is a known quantity.

 

You can't say for certain that you won't trust again. There are good men out there.

 

I'd rather keep the used car I have and deal with the problems I know about, then buy someone elses used car and not have a clue what problems it has.

 

Or you could forget used cars and take the bus. Strike out on your own and quit dealing with problems at all.

 

Why does he do this? What do I do?

 

Your marriage has ceased to exist. You are roommates. If this is as much as you think you deserve out of life, continue but I'd suggest to you that there is more to life than merely existing and that it's not too late to try something new.

[overseas2004]

To me it looks like you tried everything that was humanely possible to get him to snap out of it. And you failed. And the reason you failed is because he seems to be satisfied with his situation and is no longer willing to try. He is happy with porn and masturbating. Not the life you want obviously.

 

My next step would be to move out.

 

And I am saying this with experience. I had a bf live in with impotence problems (and other stuff as well). I tried everything and at first it helped but later all of it blew up in my face and he ran away.

 

The road to hell is sometimes paved with good intentions.

 

I think it is time for you to find a life for yourself.

 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Care2]

My heart goes out to you. I am in "almost" the same situation. My husband doesn't use the computer/ porn though. He has just lost interest. I too, am wondering what to do as I love him and we have a "life" together. It is so hard because there is this HUGE void.

 

I understand what you mean about trusting in a new relationship. It is so scarey to think about starting over when you at least have a known. My husband is loving and caring in every other way. He is not abusive or cruel. But sometimes I feel like I'm being punished or made to pay for the good parts of our relationship.

 

I had a previous marriage where the sex was great but the rest was pretty bad. So what is better? I have given up on having both. I figure if the sex is great, you pay in other ways. I know in my rational mind that this is not necessarily true but in my emotional irrational mind these are my thoughts.

 

It is a secret I have been keeping to myself for years. It makes me feel so sad and unwanted.

I wish I had an answer for you. I'm still trying to find out what to do myself. All I can offer is my support and understanding at this time. Maybe we will get some good advice here. But I feel advice/solutions will vary greatly depending upon the age and experience of those offering it. Age does play a major role, as security is essential as we get older.

 

What is your age, if you don't mind my asking?

 

c

[jenniferlong00]

I am very sorry about your situation. I know how it feels to be so in love with someone and not have the feelings reciprocated. It's one of the most hurtful experiences but what hurts even more is when their non-interest in you turns into an affair with someone else.

 

I suggest that you give him his space. You've already done everything you could to spark something in him. You need to let him see what it's like to be without you. If he really loves you he will snap out of it, but if not then this will be the time he will show what truly is going on.

 

You also need sometime for yourself. Do you really want to be in this kind of marriage. NO ONE should just settle. Everyone deserves to be happy. Do not think you will never find anyone else. The one thing I've learned from my experiences is that I'm stronger than I think I am. And I truly believe that is the case with everyone.

 

I wish you the best.