afg31 Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Could someone please give me their honest opinion. I have been in a relationship with my gf for 9.5 years. We are about an hour apart in NC so it is nothing terribly far. I am 31 and she is 30. Things have always been a little weird with her and hanging out. By that I mean she we never hung out a ton. Even in the beginning stages of our relationship. We used to see each other every other weekend. I would stay at her house or she would stay at mine. Over the years she we have been seeing each other less and less to the point now where we may see each other 2 full days a month at most. When we see each other there isn’t much to it either.. We hang out, she goes to bed early, wakes up early and leaves the next morning. She never wants to do anything. By that I mean go out, go out with friends etc. As a matter of fact she claims she doesn’t like hanging out with my friends or any people at all. All of my friends are very nice and accepting people. There are a lot of little things I can list but here is my point. We have been together for over 9 years and she has ZERO idea or plan on when she wants to move in together. I have my own place. She has always said from day one she wanted to move to my neck of NC. I never pressured her because I don’t believe in twisting someone’s are to do something they aren’t ready for. That was OK when we were 25.. But 30+ and over 9 years?? And you don’t know yet?? She said a concern of hers was finding a job. Well I have several friends here that assured her jobs in her field and when I told her to send a resume to them to set things up she flipped out and couldn’t understand why some “stranger” was trying to help her. She told me to butt out of her business. I treid to tell her I was only trying to help. I explained that these strangers were friends willing to help “us”. She refused for two years to ever pass on her resume. I confronted her several times about moving north to live with me. Each time she got extremely defensive and angry with me. I asked her if she had thought of a date when she’d like to come down or if she had looked in to potential postions in my area. She said no to both. She actually said she hasn’t been able to think about it because it stresses her out too much so. So she just ignores it.. Again.. 9 and a half years and your still ignoring it. I understand that this is a big move.. Then again I am not asking her to move to another country or state. We are both still close to our families. An hour at most. Now I would have moved closer to her but all along she said how much she loves my area. So I planned everything about her coming to me. I am not doing my story any justice and leaving out a ton. But I can say this for 9 years I have done everything, bent over backwards, put my life on hold, and given her 110% and feel as if I only get 10% in return when its convenient for her. It hurts me though. I love her so much. I care about her more than anything. I know she loves me too. But she has the best of both worlds. Her life where she is, and a BF when it is convenient for her. I have invested so much time and effort, given her everything.. I treat her like gold. Am I crazy to be upset and thinking of breaking things off? I mean come on most people date a few years. A decade of my life is gone and I spent it practically alone waiting and hoping for a shot at a life together. We are adults, its not to much to expect her to either know she wants to move on with me or not, right? PS talking about it is out of the question. She won’t talk about it, I get a run around, or she shuts down. She has to grow up.. A lot. But I don’t want to wait around while she does. I have a life to live and I have missed to much waiting, alone.. I am a sucker.. I know this. My friends and family who see everything tell me I have to move on and I don't deserve this. They see how lonely I am all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Uhh... you're hardly crazy for being upset. After 9+ years together, she's yet to extend you the courtesy of making you a priority in her life... How haven't you thought about breaking this off years ago? Even at 25, her behavior raises horribly massive red flags. You're dating someone and you're more lonely than you would be if you were single... She is incapable of mature, rational, communication regarding minute details about your relationship... She's incapable of dedicating time enough given your distance apart (which is not great). Hell... she doesn't need a new job. If she likes her job, an hour commute to and from work is nothing. This girl, given your description, treats you like **** and has done so for quite a long time. How haven't you broken up with her 8 years ago? Link to post Share on other sites
Author afg31 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) I guess I just always hoped shed come around. I feel like every other relationship I see after a year or two, three at the Max they're working on building a life together. I don't know any woman that would wait 9 years to move in with their significant other. I feel like I've wasted so much time Edited February 11, 2011 by afg31 spelling Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I'm trying to figure out why you're still living so far apart from each other after 9 years. Why haven't you married her or at the least moved closer to one another? I mean honestly it sounds like she's not really into being in a full time relationship, especially if she can't manage to see you at least once a week with you two being one hour apart. I live in NC also (GO TARHEELS! ) and my ex lived a hour from me and we still managed to see each other at least once a week even though I didn't have a car and he worked crazy, long hours. So something isn't adding up here on her end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author afg31 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 I wanted to move in with her years ago but she wanted to work and save some money which I respect and understood. Then it was her waiting for this "right time". I tried to explain that's there's no such thing as a perfect time to move in together, get married, have children, etc. The only thing That has happened waiting for this ideal time was wasted time. Now she wants to wait another year... what does hurt is I care for her so much. But if she cared about me or us I feel likes we'd be together right now. The hardest part is she's doesn't get it. To her this 9 years of feet dragging isn't a bad thing..its so hard to make someone understand where you're coming from when they think their behavior is normal. Link to post Share on other sites
aerogurl87 Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 afg31 this is odd because usually it's the woman complaining about the man dragging his feet in the relationship. Interesting, but a bit odd. My only advice is to cut her loose, I know you don't want to because you've invested so much time into this relationship. But it will be for the best because if she wanted to be with you by now, she would've been years ago. Link to post Share on other sites
folieadeux Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 I agree with everyone on this one; let her go and end this already. You should know what you want after nine plus years together. Even if marriage isn't your thing or if you still lived an hour apart; there's zero excuse for her behavior. Two grown adults should be able to see each other more than twice a month who live that close. You deserve someone who will actually make you and your relationship a priority in their life. I'm sure you've heard this all before but reading stuff like this kills me; I would never waste a decade of my life on someone who clearly isn't worth it. Those are years you can never get back. And the fact that she refuses to even talk to you about it...no one should have that much control over another human being. Sorry to be harsh, but I also have to question what makes someone willingly be treated like this for so long too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author afg31 Posted February 11, 2011 Author Share Posted February 11, 2011 Thank you for all of the responses and I appreciate the harshness I need it. What made me stay so long? Well at first It was b/c we were sort of young and I looked at mid 20s as a time I'd like to move forward. Then it was "just one more year" again and again and before I knew it here I am.. Thank You all though for your advice. Having an opinion of someone who isn't a family or friend, someone unbiased is What I needed! Link to post Share on other sites
sammyd Posted February 11, 2011 Share Posted February 11, 2011 Hiya, i agree with the others i'm afraid. Time to move on. You sound like a really nice person, and deserve someone that wants to be with you. Good luck and keep posting. LS is great for support and venting!! Link to post Share on other sites
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