Anyone successfully reconciled here ???

[loveforever]

How long did it take for you or your (ex-)spouse to ask for another chance ???

 

And how did it start between you .....like a passionate kiss and I love you and *BAM* you were back together or rather a talk and "lets try again" shy kiss kinda thing ???

 

Give me some hope please !!!!!!

[BlindRage]

No. Unfortunately. I just ended up hurting myself and in the hospital with her making plans for the weekend with her friends and not carrying. Hmm I don't know just move on from that. I won't give you hope. I know for a fact hope is not good and actually just hurts you even more.

[robf1971]

How long did it take for you or your (ex-)spouse to ask for another chance ???

 

And how did it start between you .....like a passionate kiss and I love you and *BAM* you were back together or rather a talk and "lets try again" shy kiss kinda thing ???

 

Give me some hope please !!!!!!

 

Much more complicated than that!!

 

She went from total walkaway mode,

 

to talking about the future, Telling me she loves me, making love again, askin me for marriage counselling, showing affection

 

This took 5 months!! Are we fully reconciled? no.. Could it all fall apart again? yes

 

However, I think we are at a point where I never thought possible, and we have a real chance of making it. It helped that there was no infidelity involved. I made MASSIVE changes to myself, and likewise on her side.. This is what really worked.

[worldgonewrong]

No. Unfortunately. I just ended up hurting myself and in the hospital with her making plans for the weekend with her friends and not carrying. Hmm I don't know just move on from that. I won't give you hope. I know for a fact hope is not good and actually just hurts you even more.

 

I would also add, on a positive note:

Re-direct your hope.

 

Hope IS good. But you need to place your hope in something DESERVING OF your hope.

[worldgonewrong]

Much more complicated than that!!

 

She went from total walkaway mode,

 

to talking about the future, Telling me she loves me, making love again, askin me for marriage counselling, showing affection

 

This took 5 months!! Are we fully reconciled? no.. Could it all fall apart again? yes

 

However, I think we are at a point where I never thought possible, and we have a real chance of making it. It helped that there was no infidelity involved. I made MASSIVE changes to myself, and likewise on her side.. This is what really worked.

 

Rob-

A couple additional questions:

1. are you two now in counseling?

2. who initiated the reconciliation?

3. who was the dumper/dumpee?

 

My thanks in advance for your thoughts. Just trying to compare notes, obviously. (Wife and I are nowhere NEAR reconciling, if ever. )

[robf1971]

Rob-

A couple additional questions:

1. are you two now in counseling?

2. who initiated the reconciliation?

3. who was the dumper/dumpee?

 

My thanks in advance for your thoughts. Just trying to compare notes, obviously. (Wife and I are nowhere NEAR reconciling, if ever. )

 

I was dumpee, got the ILB speech and everything, she even broadcast it to everyone that we were separating. We are not fully reconciled are properly working on it. Yep I begged her for counselling at the beginning, all to no avail, then I stopped bothering About 4 weeks ago she dropped it out of the blue that we should start counselling.

[worldgonewrong]

I was dumpee, got the ILB speech and everything, she even broadcast it to everyone that we were separating. We are not fully reconciled are properly working on it. Yep I begged her for counselling at the beginning, all to no avail, then I stopped bothering About 4 weeks ago she dropped it out of the blue that we should start counselling.

 

 

Thanks, Rob. Interesting.

See, I'm the dumpee as well. And I've decided since the get-go to really take the 180's to heart. Specifically: I'm not saying 'boo' about counseling at all; it will have to be her move. I begged & pleaded & wept about 3 days before our separation, and then just put my head in a different place.

 

That said, your situation sounds good, the fact that she seems to be 'waking up'. very good.

 

So I gather you're not living together then, right? (dumb question perhaps, but you never know.)

[robf1971]

Thanks, Rob. Interesting.

See, I'm the dumpee as well. And I've decided since the get-go to really take the 180's to heart. Specifically: I'm not saying 'boo' about counseling at all; it will have to be her move. I begged & pleaded & wept about 3 days before our separation, and then just put my head in a different place.

 

That said, your situation sounds good, the fact that she seems to be 'waking up'. very good.

 

So I gather you're not living together then, right? (dumb question perhaps, but you never know.)

 

We are living together,

[What_Next]

Reconciled yes, successfully, well the jury it still out

 

We "officially" seperated in May of last year and came back together in late October of last year.

 

It happened because I went over to our old place (she hadn't yet moved) and my mind was made up to give it another try. It was sort of a BAM moment yes, in more ways than one.

[Duckduckgoose]

I read on livestrong.com that about 10% of separation/divorces end up reconciled. That's good news to those 10% assuming they want to be back toegether... but it seems like a really long hard road.

[robf1971]

but it seems like a really long hard road.

 

Pretty much like anything worth having. People give up Waaay to easily on stuff. Instant gratification and results society..

[worldgonewrong]

Pretty much like anything worth having. People give up Waaay to easily on stuff. Instant gratification and results society..

 

Totally agree.

[loveforever]

Much more complicated than that!!

 

She went from total walkaway mode,

 

to talking about the future, Telling me she loves me, making love again, askin me for marriage counselling, showing affection

 

This took 5 months!! Are we fully reconciled? no.. Could it all fall apart again? yes

 

However, I think we are at a point where I never thought possible, and we have a real chance of making it. It helped that there was no infidelity involved. I made MASSIVE changes to myself, and likewise on her side.. This is what really worked.

 

Thanks.....

 

He asked for a divorce because I got into massive debt (about 15 Grand) and hid it from him (I wanted separate accounts from the beginning because I knew I didn't know how to handle money, but I didn't think I was that bad !!!)....I let myself go.....from 115/120 lbs to 220 lbs (2 pregnancies included) in 10 years.....and some other things.....no infidelity or big fighting.....

 

Anyway....he asked for divorce Labor Day weekend saying he doesn't love me anymore, he wants me to move out (his house) and for the next couple of months he was a mix between nice and not.....trying to get me to sign the papers....

 

I started making changes right away....being better about the money, enrolling in college, working out (now 174 lbs ) ....he noticed and liked but said he's sure I am only doing it to get him to change his mind, and I told him 50% yes, but I also needed to do it for myself when I'm on my own....

 

Before Christmas I discovered half nude cell pics on his computer.....apparently only an old friend from way back when .....I was mad and devastated and signed the papers (gave it to him on his birthday)....since then he was acting sad and depressed.....then our dog had to be put down and we got really close.... hugging, kissing, sex.....

 

Second week of January the finalized papers arrived in the mail and ex wanted to hide them.....I got them away from him and went into the bathroom crying....he asked me to come out and when I did he held me and said "I do love you !!!".....then why did you finalize it ????

 

He said that I knew marriage is just a piece of paper to him....and that this doesn't mean we have to be over....

 

Basically he told me that he doesn't want me to move out, he isn't ruling out a reconciliation and even re-marriage (but it's too early for it now)....he changed his work hours to weekday nights (before it was weekend nights) to be there for our kids more and so I could have time to work on my college....I'm still on his health insurance, still his life insurance beneficiary.....he's not online (f***book) and on secretive his phone all the time anymore....every time I sneak in he's playing Mahjong or playing with the boys....

 

It all sounds so good, but he doesn't kiss me, or says I love you, or hug me, or has sex with me (unless I initiate it).....

 

Sometimes when we laugh about the kids he gives me those deep looks where I think 'there is the love I know' but then.....nothing else....

 

I am probably too impatient, but.....I feel like there should be more signs by now......

 

But if it can take 5 months I guess I can still have hope.....

 

 

 

 

 

PS. We are still living together and our kids (almost 4 and 10) and our families (except our brothers) don't know anything about the divorce and we're not planning on telling anyone

[loveforever]

Re-direct your hope.

 

Like what ??

[loveforever]

Reconciled yes, successfully, well the jury it still out

 

We "officially" seperated in May of last year and came back together in late October of last year.

 

It happened because I went over to our old place (she hadn't yet moved) and my mind was made up to give it another try. It was sort of a BAM moment yes, in more ways than one.

 

Feel free to specify !!!!!!

[loveforever]

I read on livestrong.com that about 10% of separation/divorces end up reconciled. That's good news to those 10% assuming they want to be back toegether... but it seems like a really long hard road.

 

I hope to be within those 10% !!!!!

 

He's open to reconciliation but I don't see any signs or effort on his part yet (too early ???)......

[Albertan]

Yes. Although it is probably more due to circumstance then anything else. Her bags were packed, and she was literally out of the door when she changed her mind.

[Duckduckgoose]

Pretty much like anything worth having. People give up Waaay to easily on stuff. Instant gratification and results society..

 

That speaks for the person who leaves, not necessarily the person left behind.

 

Divorce and its repercussions haunt a lot of people for a looooong time.

 

The best thing a person who got left behind can do is move on. If it's meant to be then you will eventually end up back with the person who left you.

[Yasuandio]

DDT, I think you have just handed down the best advise ever for the dumpee. I am going listen to yr advice and shut the hell up.

Edited February 14, 2011 by Yasuandio

[martyjones47]

Well, my wife left me but she never really went anywhere. We are in the process of working things out and have been for several months.

 

Basically, my wife decided to have an affair ( though I'm sure she wouldn't call it that) but needed to be "separated" I guess so she could feel alright about herself and justify her actions.

 

Of course, when she told me she wanted a separation, I thought it was more of a wake-up call and I was "working on things." Things got better but she had made up her mind. There was nothing I could do.

 

Finally, I wrote up a separation agreement with rules for being separated in the same house. She made plans with OM that same day.

 

I felt like dying. I was physically and emotionally exhausted but kept it together for the kids. She started living her single life, but it did not work out the way she hoped.

 

I made mistakes along the way, many. I waited too long to give her space, work on 180,etc, but once I did things got better.

 

Once I gave her what she wanted, guess who had a hard time handling things? She couldn't handle the kids on her own when I was off from that responsibility. She couldn't deal with me having my own "date" nights,etc. She went from pouting and complaining about me to gettign pissed at her new attempt at a relationship.

 

Overall the experience was pretty humiliating, but I stuck by what was most important to me. I am still very resentful. I still deal with the questions and the knowledge that we only got back together because things didn't work with OM. I have an ego, and that feeling sucks.

 

I dated..fast. Still not sure if I was wrong to do that or not, but in hindsight it worked. But unlike some people, I care about feelings and how I treat people. I feel bad if it seems I used someone ( I didn't). Basically I couldn't live sitting around the house while wife was out doing what she was doing. I made sure I had free time for going out and doing stuff. At first I just went out and moped around for a few hours and gave the impression I was out doing stuff. The first time I did this, my wife sent me constant texts and wouldn't stop bothering me, just making up stuff to ask me about. The first time I went out with a woman? There was all that plus my wife breaking down and pretty much begging me to sleep with her and trying to force herself on me when we passed in the hall.

 

We've been reconciling around 8 months now. At first we just started being around each other again with no declaration about the status of things. Eventually we went through more phases. It was bumpy because I really couldn't shake the idea of OM, and she did little to declare that things were better or that no one else could be in the picture. Things started to solidfy more, and I guess around 3 months later we were "married again" and for the last couple months things have continued to get better, though we still have our issues.

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack this as my own update thread.. But around 1 year ago I basically watched my marriage fall apart and my wife leave me for another man ( I saw the emails and everything leading up to it and thought I could prevent it from happening). Three months after that I was 100% sure it was over with no chance of reconciliation. I lost around 30 lbs in 1 month from not eating and being sick to my stomach at the thought of the together. My wife didn't have a care in the world. I thought I was being replaced and written out of her life.

 

Today, we are together. There are no affairs. Things are better. I think we are reaching another crossroads of sorts, but it's a good one. So reconciliation is possible, but you may find you don't want it. Work on yourself and let the ex go, for now.

[Surfer203]

Yes.. they are possible. Read my thread. My wife and I are happier than ever and that is not an understatement. Things worked out in the end. She left me, moved in with another man and realized what she lost. I stayed strong during that time and began to move on. She came back, was remorseful and has been doing everything right by me. We are doing amazingly well. So happy. Keep your head up.