DAY 11 NC and struggling big time

[is2008]

Usually I'd post on my thread but today I feel extremely weak and need help.

 

For those that haven't followed my story or my thread, I'd deleted her photo (only photo I had) but managed to retreive it from my brother. Then I found out she phoned my mum, fishing for info I guess. She said she wanted to be friends with the family.

 

I don't think she has any intentions for reconciliation (not yet or at all - not really sure which) but I'm really weak right now. Still on NC, but at breaking point. I want to break NC, but I'm pretty sure the answers I'll get. I still don't really know the proper reasons we broke up.

 

Should I delete the photo again for the sake of healing? HELP!

 

Addition: I keep looking at the photo, I can't help myself.

[PowerOfOne]

Hey Ian,

 

I'm with ya. I'm having a really sh**ty moment right now. I finally went through and de-tagged myself from our photos on FB. It's the first time I've looked at pics of her in almost 3 months. I just feel numb... I don't really know if I miss her or miss that someone. I just don't know.

 

There is a singles night for Vday at my mates work. It's a cocktail/speed dating night. During the week I was considering going but now i find out that it's in pairs. So not really speed dating but similar. In pairs the guys move from pair to pair. My only single mate is overseas at the moment. The rest of them are married or in LTR. I just don't think I could go by myself and make small talk or go through those 'what's your favorite experience/what would you do with 3 wishes' crap. So I think I'm going to pass. That makes me feel a little down as well.

 

Anyway, I think you should get rid of the photo. It won't help. It's just a reminder of the past and that's something you have to leave behind. It hurts I know. I hate to think that I'll forget the good times. But you have to. In time i suppose we can look back on the good times without the hurt. And when we get there we won't need the photos.

 

If I was you I'd tell my mum that I don't want to know if she calls. I don't want to know anything about her.

 

I've struggled with the whys of my breakup as well. Only advice I can give you is that there is only one thing to accept - She left. That's all there is to it. It sucks and it's confusing but in time that's all that really matters. If you didn't cheat on or abuse her then you can't beat yourself up about it. It just happens. I hate that beyond belief but it's the truth of the matter.

 

Please, get rid of the photo. It's only going to continue the pain.

[is2008]

Thank you so much PowerOfOne.

 

I guess I already knew I had to delete it, just needed confirmation and now it's done. Said my good bye to the photo/her and got a bit of a heavy heart but deleted it now. Asked my brother to delete it from his PC too.

 

I'm sad to hear you're having a sh**ty moment too... I can imagine how difficult it is to see her photos after 3 months but I'm glad you're taking steps to concentrate solely on you. Like you, I'm not sure whether it's her I miss or someone being there. Bit of both? More the "what if" situation.. What if she'd just have made an effort to fix it? How different would life have been?

 

Whilst you don't have any motivation going to this speed dating do, I think it'd be a good experience and practise! You don't have to go with the intention of actually getting with someone, just get out of your comfort zone and get talking to new girls again... they'll be as apprehensive as you.

 

I'm not quite at that stage yet but hope to be after 3-4 months NC. I have already instructed everyone in my family to never mention her again. I don't want any updates, or even to know if she's called. The less I know, the better.

 

Same strategy should go for you too, the less we know the better.

 

Best wishes.

[dave560]

Hello again,

 

I think her phoning your mum had more impact on you than you realised. I agree with PowerOfOne and ask your mum not to mention her to you, maybe go even further explain that you would prefer it if she was short and ended the call as soon as possible.

 

I think you have two choices here and one goes against everything that this forum advocates.

 

If she seems persistent in contacting you, if you truly are entertaining thoughts of wanting her back and cannot conclude to yourself it would be a horrible future, if you are clearly keeping the hope alive through positioning the goal of reconciliation is her grovelling to you. If the status quo remains, you know as much as anyone that you will not get anywhere in terms of moving on.

 

So one pathway is, the ridiculous one, the crash and burn option, loose some dignity and ask her if, under any terms or in any future scenario, will she be with you. Get the answer you need, tell her you need space and aggressively block her out of your life. This will take you back many steps, but you seem unable to move on. Keeping the hope alive is poisonous, more than you think.

 

The other option would be to shut her down in your life, relinquish all hope, understand and accept your life can be so much more better in the future. Obviously not right now (nothing worth having comes easy, eh?), but the future has so much more potential, it is clear from your posts a future with her will never be fulfilling for yourself. If you did get back with her, I think a little bit of you will resent the fact you no longer had all that potential for the person (or relationship) you truly desire.

Edited February 11, 2011 by dave560

[is2008]

Hello Dave,

 

I hope you're keeping well.

 

I think you're right, the phone call did have an impact, more so than my initial reaction. Yesterday I didn't seem bothered, today I wanted to reach out so badly. It was snowballed by the fact I'd found her photo again... bad move. Just goes to show healing is not an overnight process and coming out of a 6 year relationship, I'm going to have my ups and downs.

 

My mum knows not to mention her in any way. She knows I'm hurting. She was just fishing for information. She went on to tell my mum she'd be happy if I found someone else... it's pretty clear from her sporadic calls and emails (which usually consist of no more than a few words like "where are you") that she doesn't seem interested in reconciliation, certainly not at this point in time.

 

I think you're right, about my hopes for reconciliation too. I think right now in the back of my mind, I'm hoping she'll come to her senses. Before though, if we'd not talk for 2 days or so, she'd go nuts and bombard me with calls (call me crazy but I liked the possessiveness) now she doesn't even seem to care. Every dumpee deserves a grovelling apology from their dumper though should they want a second chance.

 

When we broke up, I did the whole losing my dignity for her. A whole month's worth. I cannot see the benefit of losing any more except her perceiving that I'm weak. So according to your two options, I have to relinquish all hope. You're absolutely right I feel ****ty right now, but I do see light at the end of the tunnel too.

 

I just want someone who will make as much effort in the relationship as me. It was an 80-20 thing with her (she SERIOUSLY treated me like a toy, picked me up when she wanted, dropped me back down when she wanted) and I'd like a 50-50 with someone.

 

I'm starting to feel better again this afternoon after deleting her photo. The sooner I forget her face, the better. I hope one day she realises what she lost and what could have been.

[dave560]

Good luck, glad to hear you are feeling better

 

I know it's a bit like a roller-coaster.. I suppose the best advice I got was try and realise what is self-pity and what is genuine sadness about the end of relationship. I think a lot of my sadness was (is) self-pity, I try and recognise it as such and make myself realise I am better than this...